- Member Since 2nd Dec, 2015
- offline last seen Yesterday
Twisted Brew
I am not drunk enough for this right now...
Twisted Brew
Joined 2nd Dec, 2015 ·
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Already love it
This is a concept you don't see too often, I would love to see you continue this story.
Evil this wouldn't happen to be your own version of that story u showed me would it? The one of similar plot?
I love it and I can't wait for the next chapter. Do you have an idea when it will come out?
7840925 When I see that enough people want me to continue this I will post the next chapter
Please continue.
It's hilarious continue with more cursing
Intriguing. ..please continue!
Please continue
Please make more this is great
I'm liking this. Hope it gets continued.
...Why can't I stop smirking? It's actually starting to hurt a little bit.
Technine is a awesome rapper
7840928 interesting but i think them automatically assuming he's crazy is a bit unfair. They don't even try to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Ah, what a lovely young colt... I like this story!
This does look good. I say continue.
Keep it rolling!
When another chapter shows up i'll start reading
I thought this was going to be like something I read before, but no so far it feels fresh. Keep it up.
I guess I'll be the guy that goes against the grain here... all these people saying that they love it and it is new and the like, clearly never went through your other stories, or simply like the same flavor of edge and excessive cursing all of them provide. The worst part of it, simply put, is the fact that while the ideas are good, the execution of them is just so meh.
My biggest beef with this particular one, is that a good third of the story is spent listening to the MC talk about themselves inside their head, and not once is what being said something funny or interesting, and very rarely does it actually pertain to the situation at hand. Simply put, this feels like something you slapped down in one sitting, error checked, then dumped on fimfic.
At this point, I've pretty much said all the negative and critical things that pop out at me the most. To fix some of it, I would recommend sitting down with someone that can give you an alternate perspective on the chapter. If you don't have an editor (as your writing implies), get one. If you already have one fire them, or at the very least pick a third person up and carefully consider their words when they disagree with the general consensus.
So I guess to wrap that up, good idea, poorly written.
7842965 I don't mind that you don't like the story, we all have different tastes and preferences. And the only argument I can really make is with how the character basically speaks to himself, mentally. While it isn't generally liked, I feel like it allows the readers to get to know them better by allowing them to know what the character is thinking and feeling. It adds kind of that META aspect to it which, personally, I enjoy.
Negative or not, I appreciate the feedback and will keep this in mind if I decide to continue writing this story. :P
7842965 It's always so amusing the ones who have never written anything feel the need to rip others for their stories. Exactly the kind of person that makes my point for getting rid of the downthumb from FIMfic.
"Btw, the purple one touched me a lot"
I want him to try and cause shit for twilight lol
i rather like this story so far, I'd like to see how it turns out.
7843292
7843372
Interesting tidbit of the day:
Siskel and Ebert are likely the most renowned movie critics ever. Ebert's film career was minimal, and Siskel was never in any movies.
So is this a continuity without EQG and the various tears between worlds that Midnight Sparkle created in the Friendship Games?
You would think if one misguided human hopped up on magic could tear a hole to Equestria then someone else could as well.
This guy right here 7842965 has pretty much hit the bulk of issues I have with this first chapter. The mix of trying to establish his character, coupled with the foul mouthed, stereotypical human type, and the issues an editor would be able to aid you with fixing really drag the entire thing down.
The concept is certainly far from new, which is why throwing your protagonist in as a foul-mouthed drunken idiot is a poor choice. It hits a few stereotypes right on the head, and the way you approach it doesn't make it funny. It makes it bad, subjectively speaking. Abrasiveness for a reason is fine, but the initial impression here is that your character is a downright dick who I doubt, as a reader, I would ever find interest in. Who you write about is just as important as what you are writing, if that makes sense.
The somewhat stream of consciousness approach to his thoughts could probably be replaced with something a bit more stable that hits on less thoughts, while showing more character. Actions speak loudly as well, but most of your stuff here are all thoughts, as if you're trying to detail him out to us from his perspective alone. Slow it down, carve it back a bit. Let actions and words come together to show us his character, while putting a heavier focus on the environment and other characters so you have more interaction, and more building going on. You can show character while keeping a plot moving with how they interact with others. Arguably, at times, it is the far better approach, too.
The first person point-of-view is also poorly handled here. This is a large part where an editor (One who is knowledgeable, mind you.) would go a long way to cleaning it up. First person is extremely easy to write in a lazier style than other viewpoints, and it rears its ugly head here. A lot of the writing just comes off as lazy, to be blunt. The point-of-view, while arguably easier, shows blemishes easier than other ones. Definitely should try investing in an editor, a little bit of work could really clean things up. And, the more you work with a good editor, the better you can improve your own writing. Trust me on this one, my only first person story was ridiculously lazy at first, but a pinch of work cleaned it up a fair bit. Little bit more time on the chapters, but it's well worth it.
Just a few thoughts. I'll probably keep an eye on it, but I'm not all that impressed. The lazy writing and above issues really makes it not so hot.
7843372 The problem is, my young friend. The downthumb is not used to help writers get better. It is used by MOST (not all) as a punitive measure because there is something in the story they don't like. Lets look at ANY story on FIM that puts Twilight and Flash together. Look at the disproportionate number of downthumbs they get.
No, I am all for people giving constructive and good feedback/criticism. However the downthumb does not do that in its current state. Now, were there consequences attached to it. Something I have suggested before, making it where you must write at least 200-400 words to go along with the downthumb, then limit people to 3 a month or something along that line. Then yes, it would be a fantastic tool.
Now, I don't know you at all friend, but we are all brony here. Let us try to remember that, and the lessons in the show/fandom that is there for all of us. Ad hock attacks are beneath us, are they not?
This is teetering DANGEROUSLY close to being 2edgy5me. Like, complete black and red alicorn syndrome here. I'm not against swearing, even to a unreasonale degree. I use it in my own writing. But it needs to serve a purpose rather and not just be filler words every third word. Too much of it like that and it starts to come off as "look how cool and tough this guy is". But this character was stated to be a basket case, so okay, I can deal. But when he had on a leather jacket, I rolled my eyes. When he had sunglasses, I sighed. When he gave his name as an acronym for "evil brain, angel heart" I actually groaned at the edge and said to myself "if this unicorn ends up getting red alicorn wings, I'm out." Then it turned out he'd been an alicorn the whole time and I was about to click the back button. But then I remembered that the name of the story implies that he's child of Luna, and that was the reason I clicked onto the story in the first place, so I stuck around. But this is still right on the brink of being too edgelord for me to handle, so I'll keep reading for now since I like the idea and you have my attention, but it could all collapse at any second, so be careful.
Yeah, this isn't even remotely how this works. As someone who basically has no sense of smell, trust me, that does not happen. It's true that blind people's other sense tend to highten some, but that's because they've lost their primary means of navigating the world around them and they need to compensate to survive. Smell is not an important sense, so if you don't have it, your sense of hearing doesn't magically get better.
For future reference, can people please not argue on here. I am more than accepting of some constructive criticism. If it's something that's gonna help me out, that's just fine. However, I do feel like this is being taken WAY too seriously. Can everyone please remember that this is a comedy and not meant to be perfect. All I'm doing is trying to make something that'll get people to laugh. I mean, this is fan fiction! It's never gonna be perfect, nor do I want it to be. I'm just trying to enjoy myself while I still can. (To those who have read my past authors notes, you know what I mean)
7843510 As for YOU, good sir! As I said, I'm alright with criticism. But, for me, this just fun! I don't like to take things too seriously, it kills all of the enjoyment. Also, I can't afford an editor. So if you don't like what I'm putting up, then I can almost guarantee that it won't be getting too much better. I'm not saying this out of spite, I swear. I'm just stating it as a fact...Sorry
Please continue :o
7843581 As for you though! The sense of smell is very important! Without it you can't taste things properly, it sucks! However, I've done plenty of studies on human biology...and I've seen a lot of doctors. Any impaired sense can heighten your other senses. I'm not saying their superhuman by any means, I'm just saying that they do try to make up for the lost sense.
7843582
You don't have to take things too seriously. Just look at Bendy or Admiral Biscuit. But if you want your stuff to be well received, then you should put in a certain amount of effort. Sorry, but saying you don't want to put in that kind of effort is not it.
7843601
Research is all well and good, but I'm telling you from experience, as someone without a sense of smell, that I get by just fine without it and my other sense aren't improved.
I would definitely read more of this.
7843532 media.tenor.co/images/54451401d52c0dd2fe9ee5752857d53c/raw
7843292
I write adult material for other sites.
I don't write stories for FimFic, but I do edit a few.
7843656 I'm not saying I'm not putting in the effort, I'm saying that I don't like to get too serious in my writing aspects. It keeps things fun and enjoyable.
7843670 "I've seen a lot of doctors." That was kind of my way of saying that I'm speaking from experience too XP My sense of smell is nearly gone, as well as my taste. Again, your senses don't take a drastic change. But, they do become slightly more acute.
7843896
If you say so...
7842965 Agreed. This story has potential. A pre reader and an editor would definitely be good for the author to bounce ideas with.
I love the idea you got here. I think this could be a fun story.
7843896 you lucky bastard!! You got featued for this story you little bitch! Grats man!
I can kinda see how people would feel the cursing went too far, but the honest impression I get from the character is that he's supposed to be a crazy douchebag, so it makes sense that he'd act kinda like an edgy douchebag. It's too early to tell if it'd go too far or not, but from what I've seen so far your story is pretty funny, my only complaint would be that the character interactions starting from when he met Twilight to the end seemed a bit rushed. Not ridiculously so, but it did feel like a fair bit of story was trying to be shoved in there at the last stretch.
Hi!
This first chapter was really nice! I love the laid-back drunken behavior of the protagonist!
. Winter freezes your hands and feet off. 
Oh and if the Raynaud syndrome is something you have IRL, I have it too
Anyway, love this first chapter, and good luck for the rest!
authors note:
"I want to know if you guys want me to continue this story..."
Next day:
Featured!
Over 100 likes!
I think we want you to continue :P
7844406 You'd be surprised
7843896 Amazing Story i write pretty rarely a Comment under a Story only a few that are good you should keep it up and continue the Story!
I love the direction this is going. It's such a breath of air to find something new and so interesting. I really hope you continue this story, hell I only made an account just so I can say how awesome this story is.
7844595
Step one: Krazy man goes to equestria
Step two: Ponies thing krazyman is krazy
Step three: Profit?
7844629 yes
7843582
"As I said, I'm alright with criticism unless acknowledging it actually requires me to do something!"
That's how that comes across.