Chapter 57: Shopping
“Spill, aisle three. Spill, aisle three.”
Deadpool glanced upward at the general items listed under each aisle number. “Huh. Either it’s pasta or uranium.” A scream, followed by nails scraping against the floor soon followed after. “Nope, looks like eldritch abomination munchies it is.”
Fluttershy followed close to his leg, her eyes darting back and forth at the objects they crossed: mustard, grenade launchers, mustard gas, agent orange, orange juice. All manner of produce and weapons made to kill in great numbers along with causing intense agony were stacked on either side.
“Uh, Deadpool, why are we at the supermarket at two in the morning?” Fluttershy asked. She immediately ducked behind Deadpool when another shopper crossed their path. This one was at least six and a half feet tall, hairy all over, wickedly handsome, and appeared like a wolf had done the dirty dance with a human and this guy was the result.
“Hey, Sabretooth,” Deadpool said, halting to grab a pickle jar from the shelf.
“How’s it hanging, Deadpool?” Sabretooth answered. He grinned at the pair, his razor-sharp fangs peeking out from between his lips for a brief flash.
“Two inches off the ground!”
The duo shared a laugh, with Fluttershy chuckling nervously while keeping Deadpool between her and this Sabretooth fellow. He appeared to be even hairier than most of the animals she had back at her home.
Sabretooth grabbed two extra-large bags of kibble and hefted them on his shoulders, untroubled by their weight. “So, whatcha here for?” Sabretooth asked, his voice as gruff as a dull blade on a bear. He looked to Fluttershy and smirked. “Brought your pet along?”
“This is Fluttershy, and apparently in our current living conditions I’m her pet,” Deadpool said.
Sabretooth glanced at her again, and Fluttershy gave him an awkward wave. She hid further into Deadpool’s shadow after this.
“Anyway, I’m here to pick up supplies for killing vampires.” Deadpool pointed to the multiple cloves of garlic and golden holy crosses stacked up in his cart. “Have a recent… infestation I need to take care of. What about you?”
“Food for the dogs.” Sabretooth shrugged, even with his heavy load on his shoulders. “I used to just feed them scraps when I went hunting, but, erm, going good has me thinking more about being…”
“More responsible for your animals?” Fluttershy guessed.
Sabretooth smiled. “Nah. More like leaving less blood tracks in the house.”
As Fluttershy held back a scream, Deadpool said, “You know, Oxiclean really helps keep the tough stains out. Or so Billy Mays’ ghost tells me. Did I tell you the time I had to fight him—”
“And Mr. Rogers’ ghost. Yeah. I read about it in your blog,” Sabretooth said.
“And I read how in your blog you’re doing yoga and picking up litter under overpasses.”
Sabretooth rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, after turning good I kind of turned myself in. Lucky I got community service instead of years in prison.”
“And the yoga?”
“Relaxing.” Sabretooth turned his neck side to side quickly, a few cracks being heard from each turn like a gun going off. “Just cause I’m good doesn’t mean I still don’t have... tendencies.”
“I find killing people helps my tendencies.”
Fluttershy squeaked beside him.
“Oh, right, nearly forgot.” Deadpool pulled from his pocket (if you didn’t already notice he has a ton of them) a scrap of paper and showed it to Sabretooth. “Since you used to be a major league baddie and all that, by chance do you know who this guy is?”
Sabretooth picked up the piece of paper and frowned. “Why does it smell like chocolate?”
“Complications.”
Sabretooth’s eyes briefly glinted as they passed over the name. “Ooooh boy. This one, huh? Didn’t think he’d make an appearance again. But for someone like Celestia, I’m not surprised.”
“You know about that?” Deadpool asked.
Sabretooth nodded, passing the scrap of paper back. “Know about it? I’m part of the site. Practically everyone knows Canterlot castle is bloodsucker stomping grounds for the entire night.”
Deadpool slammed his fist against his cart. “Damnit! Then I’m going to miss all the fun!”
Fluttershy poked Deadpool’s side. “Deadpool, I’m tired.”
“Later, Fluttershy. But first, we’re gonna kill as many vampires as possible in the quickest amount of time so that I can formally declare myself the vampire slaying master of the multiverse.” Deadpool slowly shook his fist and stared off more blankly than usual into the distance. “That’ll show Abe Lincoln and Blade. That’ll show them all.”
“Well, if you want my advice, I’d go after the special they’re selling on aisle ten,” Sabretooth said.
“The two for one deal for shurikens?”
“Well, yeah, but the other special.”
“Oooooooh, riiiiiiiight.” Deadpool winked at Sabretooth and made his way down the aisle with Fluttershy in tow. “Thanks a ton! Hope you don’t suddenly go back to being evil! But if you do, we should really get back together sometime over coffee!”
“Deadpool, where are we?” Fluttershy asked.
“The most magical place in the multiverse, Fluttershy,” Deadpool answered, pulling up his cart into the next aisle. “Walmart.”
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Wait, Sabertooth's
iswasa good guy? I thought hewasisused to bea member of the brotherhood of... ugg, Marvel hurts my head.Futurist! Dyrr hurrs! Ma mañana said I'm speed special ones braid d caeslsl
...the last line cracked me up.
What about primal Sarah Kerrigan not human or infested as human was not immortal and infested was on the crazy xenocidal side.
5585715
He's a good guy now. Don't worry, it won't last long. He'll probably change sides before this story is over.
Now I know where to go when I want a Blu-Ray. shurikens and grenade launchers but don't want to make multiple stops!
5585727
I swear, some of these guys switch sides more often than Jean Grey switches (life) sides
5585758
A wild fucking trip, that's what.
Vampire Slayer Deadpool needs to become a thing.
Can you make it a thing, Bob? Pretty please?
5585715 AXIS, the latest Marvel arc. A spell was cast that turned several bad guys good and several good guys bad. Sabertooth became good, Carnage became good (but he's terrible at it), Scarlet Witch became a wicked version of herself, Falcon (who's now the new Captain America) is an American supremacist jerk now, Thor (now calling himself just Odinson after losing the ability to use Mjolnir and giving up his name to a female goddess who picked it up) is an axe-wielding violence junkie, Iron Man is now a REALLY creepy jerkass version of himself, several X-Men have abandoned Xavier's dream and are now working for Apocalypse... it's messed up.
When it comes to dealing with the evil dead, I prefer to shop smart: shop S-Mart!
5585788
... No amount of fuck no can ever describe what I feel inside right now
Of course it's Wamart. It's always Walmart.
Walmart? Oh geez, get out of there before the Walmartians steal your brain cells!
'Walmart"
Fuck this story.
I'm done.
Compared to some of the creepy Walmartians out there, Deadpool and Sabretooth seem terrifyingly normal,
Weird, yes, but seeing as she can Stare you into submission, and is strong enough to suplex a bear if she so wishes, I wouldn't make her mad.
Fair enough, I guess.
No surprise there.
Then why are you getting the
out before you lose what brains you have?
So when in doubt go to Wal-Mart for all your supernatural tendencies!
'What tendencies?'
The kind that get you kill son.
"But what happens if it's Count Chocula?"
Son. Count Chocula turns you into chocolate after sucking your blood and sells the statue.
'WHAT!?"
Sorry I crushed your dreams of super powered beings, but Twilight lied.
"Well, it was the worst love story of all time..."
You're learning Son. That's good!
Excellent chapter. Carry on.
Please let one of the vampires be Nyteblade. PLEASE!!!!
Walmart has nearly everything
Although, I was entirely oblivious to the whole Walmartians thing. Don't know when that happened.
5585788 Well that blew me away.
5585762 Peyote's a hell of a drug, man.
Also, nothing about the attire of the average mortal Wallmart clientele?
5586261 Why do you think that that comment is 20 weeks old?
5590519
Time travel.
5590827 Exactly! I have concluded IN THE FUTURE that this story..... is still shit, gonna go back in the TARDIS.
5591664
I have a delorian so hahaha!
5585715
Marvel has two continuities in which Sabretooth has 'gone good', six in which he's an outright villain, two with him as a misunderstood villain, one as an anti-hero, one as a double-agent really working for the X-Men, three in which he's neutral and/or a mercenary, and seven in which he's a victim who's been sucked into the anti-human stuff by fervor and a distinct lack of foresight.
That last line explains so very, very much. Well done, sir.
5606919
I have to wonder how many of those are the same continuity.
5586148 < this guy. Give him cookie.
Is it the weapons or the produce that cause death and agony?
You write deadpool way too well.
Wolverine actually isn't immortal, as Deadpool killed him during the whole "Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe" comic series. Sabertooth isn't immortal because the sword that Deadpool used to kill Wolverine can be used to kill Sabertooth.
5925011
Two words... Lemon figging... is this reply two years late? Yes. Do you want to know what figging is? No. But if you do, imagine doing it with a lemon. Will I explain why I know any of this? No. TMI? Maybe.