Princess parenting
"Hey, guys," Flurry said that Friday morning, prancing into the Royal dining room and sitting down to breakfast. "I forgot to tell you, I have a date after school."
Shining Armor squinted suspiciously.
"That's nice, dear," Cadance said. "With whom?"
"One of my classmates," Flurry said. After a moment of hesitation, she continued, "He's one of the exchange students."
"Indeed?" Cadance said. "Exchange student... from where?"
"Bad news," Flurry told Tergum at lunch. "I can't date you. They're still a bit weird about that whole changeling-thing with their wedding."
Tergum flicked his wings. "But that was years and years ago! It was before Thorax the Polite and his Reign of Niceness!"
"Sorry," Flurry said, shrugging her wings. "The problem with being the Princess is that my parents are the Emperor and Empress and their word is literally law and they have a private dungeon. Also, they have a place to put prisoners. Can't defy them, sorry."
"But I already bought you a gift!"
"Oh, that's sweet," Flurry said, leaning over and rubbing her nose against his. "What is it?"
"A buzzy light fixture. Last night, I circled it for hours."
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the small teenage griffon into the family quarters. "This is Grifter, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
"Nice to meet you, Grifter," Shining Armor growled. "Tell me, how did you wind up in the Crystal Empire?"
"We immigrated a month back," Grifter said, sitting on the couch next to Flurry and throwing a wing over her shoulders. She snuggled close to him. "My parents and I had to flee Griffonstone. And then we had to flee Hippogriffia. And then we had to flee Yakyakistan. Whoo! Did we ever have to FLEE flee Yakyakistan, I tell you what. And then we had to flee Minotauria. And—"
"Oh... oh goodness..." Cadance said.
"Can we interest you two in an investment opportunity?" Grifter said. "The Crystal Empire's Sovereign Wealth Fund could certainly use one thousand percent daily returns, right? My parents can hook you up with a totally safe business venture with no risk whatsoever. We can show you how to invest—"
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the huge teenage yak into the family quarters. "This is Yanni, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
"Yanni greet," rumbled the yak. He sat on the couch and the couch groaned under his weight. His wool was damp and smelled like a kennel.
"Pleased to meet you," Shining Armor said, scrunching his nose. "What brings you to the Crystal Empire?"
"Yanni jam."
"Jam what?" Cadance asked, frowning in confusion.
"Jam with band." Yanni pulled a yovidaphone from under his massive wool, put the blowstick in his mouth and the bag under a foreleg, and began to play. The sound could, perhaps, technically be referred to as music by a particularly charitable acoustic engineer, but most of the castle staff and residents confused it for the never-before-heard 'Somehow-Sombra-Has-Returned' alarm.
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the tall teenage minotaur into the family quarters. "This is Dolph, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
"Good evening, Dolph!" Cadance said loudly. Her ears were still stuffed with cotton and banaged heavily, on the orders of the Imperial Audiologist. "What brings you to the Crystal Empire?"
"Athletic scholarship," Dolph said in a deep rumbly voice.
"Oh?" Shining said, perking up. "What's your sport?"
Dolph stood and flexed his muscular arms and pecs. "Wrestling!"
"Oh?" Cadance said. "Shining wrestled at the Guard Academy."
Dolph rushed towards Shining. "Wanna go?!"
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the iridescent teenage hippogriff into the family quarters. "This is Tilapia, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
Shining Armor, still in a cast and a sling, looked at him from his wheelchair.
"What brings you to the Crystal Empire?" Cadance asked.
"My parents' fish farming business got shut down by the Hippogriffian Environmental Protection Agency, but we're looking for new places to re-start High Output Industrial Fish Concern, Incorporated. Tell me, you two are heads of government. How are the Empire's environmental protection laws and labor laws?"
"Strong," Cadance growled.
"What about the bribery laws?"
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, levitating in the small stone statue into the family quarters. "This is Cozy Glow. I'm taking her on a date tonight."
Shining Armor and Cadance boggled at the petrified filly resting on the couch.
"Where... where are you taking her?" Shining finally asked.
"Rock concert."
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the calico teenage abyssinian into the family quarters. "This is Swiper, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
Swiper ignored the Emperor and Empress. His hackles rose and he meowed loudly. He stalked on silent paws to a side table. With the soft pads of his forepaws, he delicately picked up a crystal decanter filled with Sweet Apple Acres brandy and examined it, whiskers quivering. "Ancient Imperial Crystal, third century pre-Harmony. Inlaid with Fuligin Hills gold. Fifty thousand bits, if you knew the right buyer. Which I do."
"What brings you to the Crystal Empire?" Cadance asked.
Swiper put the decanter down and walked to the harpsichord in the corner of the parlor. He played a single note, middle-C. "Sea serpent ivory keys. Illegal for the last nine hundred years; this must be at least a thousand years old. Half a million bits to the right buyer. Whom I know."
"You're in classes with Flurry?" Shining asked.
Walking to one of the priceless, ancient tapestries on the wall, Swiper unsheathed a single claw. He picked one of the threads loose from the edge. "Fake. Not even a good fake. Five bits, tops."
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the teenage zebra into the family quarters. "This is Zelle, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
"What brings you to the Empire?" Shining Armor asked.
"My fifth cousin, the late Prince Untombe of Neighgeria, passed away and left his massive fortune in a Crystal Empire bank! Now, I just need some trusting good-hearted ponies kindly to help me move his money. I need only a small seed investment of a few hundred thousand bits—"
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the green teenage crystal pony into the family quarters. "This is Alexandrite, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
"Nice to meet you," Cadance said. "You're a local, I take it?"
"Yes, Highness," he said. "Born and raised. Mom n' dad say my crystalling was just two weeks after hers."
"Flurry's last few dates have been a little off the normal," Shining said. "We're happy to see you!"
"She told me about some of her prior dates. Hippogriff, griffon, minotaur?" Alexandrite chuckled.
Shining and Cadance chuckled too. Flurry glared.
"I suppose that means," Alexandrite said, "that from a dynastic point of view, if the Empire wants an heir, of her various dates, I'm the only one of them who's capable of impregn—"
"Hi, Mom and Dad," Flurry said the next Friday, leading the small teenage changeling into the family quarters. "This is Tergum, my classmate. He's taking me on a date tonight."
Shining and Cadance looked at each other, then frowned at Flurry.
"What brings you to the Crystal Empire, Tergum?" Cadance asked.
"Thorax sent me as an exchange student, ma'am," he said, sitting down on the opposite side of the couch from Flurry and nervously putting his forehooves together. "He wants to grow better relations between our hive and the Empire."
"Is that so?" Shining asked. "Any investment opportunities? Industrial concerns? Reselling ancient ivory? Dynastic necessities?"
"No, sir. Thorax told me to study hard and get good grades, so that's what I'm focusing on."
Cadance squinted. "You're in classes with Flurry?"
"Yes, ma'am. Advanced Math. Advanced Ponish. Advanced Magic. Advanced—"
"Well," Tergum said an hour later as they got in line at the theater to buy tickets to the movie, "that was awkward but went reasonably well."
"Yeah," Flurry said, putting a wing over his back. "They are still a little reluctant about you, but they seemed almost relieved by the time we left."
They shuffled forward with the line, getting near the ticket booth. "Oh, heck, this movie is rated 'R'," Flurry said, levitating her coin purse to Tergum. "Turn into my mom. An adult has to buy the tickets."
After changing into Cadance, Tergum said, "Do you think your parents will figure out I was also all your bad boyfriends?"
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Oh. Oh! Ooooooh...
Good show sir, you made air flow at a faster than normal rate out of my nostrils.
Oh dear.
And well done.
A male calico? Very lucky!
He's definitely a keeper. Elope! Now!
But then... If Shining and Candance knew much about cats, that might have clued them in that something wasn't on the up and up.
Excellent
Gosh damn it to heck. Well played.
Non stop giggling the whole time.
oh flurry you silly filly
He turned into a statue of Cosy Glow? That's dedication.
Speaking of petrification, how did Dolph escape it after assaulting the person of the prince consort?
11673645
When Shining tapped out, Dolph let him go. Cadance recognized good sportsmanship.
11673647 . . . and got his number.
11673653
In first draft, Cadance got the zebra's number, but I liked the final version better.
I see Flurry is already practicing for when she becomes the empress. May god have mercy on crystal ponies.
Not gonna lie, one of the best endings I've seen in a while. Especially for a short one shot. Takes maybe a little too long to get there (you can probably do with a few less dates, like 2-3, because it drags on a bit right now), but boy, is the payoff worth it. Please tell me it was Tergums plan.
Loved it, though I've managed to predict the reveal
Caught some vibes of sketch comedy show there, like 'Monkey Dust', where main character conjures something implausible. Reads like a short series of vignettes, too
11673724
thanks!
Also, "short series of vignettes" is one of my specialties. I love writing that format.
Oho, clever girl!
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/11/4/757645.png
Well played.
Though... just imagine if Cadance and Shining had been Pharynx and Thorax meeting all her other bad dates because Cadance and Shining didn't have the heart to make Flurry give up on another date after they'd first heard of Tergum.
That ending
i kinda knew it was coming but it's still sooo hilarious!
11673741
Dang it, I missed that XD
I wish that if G5 ever reintroduces the changelings, that Thorax is remembered something like this. It just fits.
I guess also calling the latter the dungeon would be confusing and might send the wrong impression.
Still, the fact that they have one is some nice forward thinking.
She's either getting desperate or they need to check those three to make sure they aren't communicating telepathically. Or both.
Clever girl...
Tilapia's a keeper, I don't care what Shining and Cadence have to say about it.
they had us in the first half not gonna lie
That ending... I feel like I should have saw that coming, but didn't but still annoyed I didn't.
Sigh, take my like, fav and my comment and go on.
Hahahahahaha, flawless. I especially liked Swiper. n_n
That would be how Thorax is remembered among the 'lings.
Okay, Grifter at least had it coming.
No one said you had to accept Dolph's offer to "go," Shining. That one's on you still.
Yeah, okay, Tilapia had it coming too.
And here I was about to comment that Flurry didn't seem to be into ponies.
You know, I think she might be trying to make a point to you two, Cadance and Shining.
Oh yeah, she's definitely making a point here. No way Flurry's bagging all of these bad dates on accident at this point.
Heck, I'm half-expecting all of them to be in on it too.
Oh, that's even better! Well-played, you two, well-played.
I love the ending! And the middle, or middles. The very beginning is quite serviceable too, but not as good imho as the rest of it.
I could say "Recommended! 👍" but I think most people will already know it's very good.
The question is, was he the Cozy Glow statue too, or did they steal it for a prank? (it was probably found after the concert, wearing a funny hat and a pair of sunglasses).
Haha that was really fun!
Perfect ending line!
Okay i think that gets her approval!
gets em every time
Epic bait and switch scheme from Flurry :)
Well, you can't argue with results, I suppose....
Perfect, no notes.
I saw the twist coming as soon as Flurry brought her first date home, but I'm not mad about it. 😂
I like bugs 🐞
Lmao
Nice to see something Chaos approved!
I had a feeling that was gonna be it after what originally happened.
Even the Cozy Glow statue?
Excellent. Perfect ending as well.
11674831
Spoiler this please
I knew it! Still hilarious. The story's structure is very much like an old timey joke, and a well put together one at that. The inertia keeps the pacing going strong and helps with every oncoming joke. There are no duds either, so the comedy holds up pretty well. Good job!
Oh, that was a devious plot on Flurry's end. But hey, it worked! And it got a few chuckles out of me. Very good story!
Hilarious.
Game that system Flurry!