A Human's Guide to Surviving Equestria
Day 7
Hey, my name is James Falcon. To the next human that finds this journal, let me tell you two things. One, you are absolutely fucked. Two, you are probably the luckiest son of a bitch out there. Why? Because I'm going to tell you what you need to know in order to survive out here. If you've found this, then you've likely already got shelter covered, since the ponies don't like coming down into the sewers all that much. Yeah, I know. It smells like shit and piss down here, but it's a hell of a lot better than whatever flavor of hell the ponies have up their sleeves. As for food, the dumpsters behind the building that looks like a giant cake has some pretty good stuff, but it's also where you've got the highest risk of getting caught. I don't know how, but there's a pink pony that lives there that can fucking pop up out of literally nowhere. Trust me, getting away from her is harder than trying to bust concrete with a toothpick, so use that place as a last resort when you're looking for food. The safer option is to try taking apples from the town orchard or putting together some kind of weapon to hunt for food in the nearby forest. Just make sure to get the apples at night and watch out for the wood wolves in the forest. Yeah. You read that right. Trust me; you don't want to fuck with those things. You can get water from the local lakes or when it rains, just make sure to boil it before you decide to store it. I made that mistake and let's just say it's a damn good thing I'm already where the shit ends up. If you need blankets or materials for fixing up your clothes, there's a shop that looks like a Merry-go-round that occasionally throws out pieces of cloth or old clothes. Should be a lot safer to get them if the pink one isn't on your trail. Those are the basics, but if anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add them to this as needed.
Day 10
What the fuck!? What the actual FUCK!? Okay, let me tell you this straight out! Do NOT go near the cottage by the forest! That goes double if you see a yellow pegasus there. Like a fucking idiot, I let her sucker me into coming into her house. When I was in there, I was surrounded by all kinds of animals and when I say all kinds, I mean ALL kinds. There was a fucking grizzly bear in there for christ's sake! When I tried to nope the flying fuck out of there, this rabbit tried to block the door. When I knocked the little shit out of the way, yellow came into the room and.....well, I'd say she yelled at me, but she really just whispered really loudly at me. Anyway, then she gave me this look and....I don't know. It felt like that look your mom gives you when you're, like, six and you did something bad. I had to bite my tongue pretty damn hard to snap out of whatever geas she had on me. Then I decked her and ran out of there before her pets could turn me into dinner. I think she has some kind of "dominate mind" power or something. Just make sure you keep your distance from her house and if you see her, you better fucking haul ass if you don't want to end up as her pet.
Day 17
You know how I said Yellow was bad? Well, turns out there's a worse pegasus flying around out there. One that flies really fucking fast! There isn't a lot of advice I can give about this one aside from, if you see a rainbow moving around in the sky, start hauling ass! She's light blue, has rainbow hair, and has a mean right hook. Trust me, you do not want to get decked by this bitch. Not if you don't want to loose a few teeth anyway. It took me an hour of agony to get my jaw popped back into place when I shook her off. I guess moving that fast makes it hard for her to keep track of you if you fake her out quick enough. It also helps if you know all of the tricky ways to get in and out of the sewers. I'm probably going to start making a map of the place to help out anyone that ends up here.
Day 23
Welp, my arm's broken. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot and the orchard has a family of really angry ponies. To put it simply, stick to picking apples on the lower branches and as far away from the farm house as humanly possible. That way, you don't get spooked by a dog and end up falling out of the damn tree. I did, screamed like a fucking bitch when I landed, and had to run from a bunch of pissed-off hick ponies. They weren't quite as fast as Blue, but they were pretty damn close. I had to risk running through the forest with the wood wolves to get away from them. Now, I have no idea how the hell I'm going to fix my arm. I'm not a doctor so I'm....I'm actually pretty freaked out now. Do I try to deal with this or take my chances with the ponies? I....I don't know.
Day 25
My arm still hurts. Its starting to turn ugly colors around my shoulder. What does that mean? I'm scared......why the hell am I here? I want to go home. What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? I miss my family. Will I die out here? I don't want to die here. I want to go home.
Day 27
Alright, so, ponies may be dangerous, but zebras are safe. Well, the one that lives in the forest is, at least. I ran into her one night while I was scavenging for food near the forest. After what happened with Yellow, I was a bit leery to trust her, but since I was dead either way, I decided to give her a chance. Her name was Zecora and she's a shaman that lives in the forest. She's pretty nice, if a bit quirky with the whole "talking in rime" thing. She gave me this shit-tasting potion that fixed my arm along with a few other things I can use if I get hurt again in the future. When I asked her why she lived out in the forest, she told me it was because the place reminded her of her home country and had a whole bunch of useful herbs that didn't grow anywhere else in Equestria (yeah, that's what this country is called. just roll with it). This made her not very popular in town. When I told her that I could relate, she agreed to help me out in any way that she could. So, if you see a zebra with a bunch of tribal stuff on walking around the forest, know that she's at least trustworthy.
Day 35
As bad as pegasus's and regular ponies are, unicorns are way, way, WAY worse. When I was getting some cloth our of the Merry-go-round's trash, the pony living there caught me. The psycho started floating a bat around and nearly took my fucking head off. Yeah, they can do that, apparently! Luckily, there's a way into the sewers near her place, so I managed to avoid getting turned into a piñata. I'm going to have to find another place to get thread or things to patch up my clothes for a while. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Day 41
Stay the hell away from the tree in the middle of town! Why? Three words; fire-breathing dragon! Yeah! There are fucking dragons in this world! As if my life wasn't already shit to begin with! I went there to see if there was anything I could salvage from the trashcans near it. Turns out it's some kind of house or something. Don't ask me how, because I have no clue. Anyway, I guess I made a little too much noise and the little guy came out and caught me. Sure, he was like a foot tall, but he still managed to puke out enough fire to be a problem. If I didn't use the bin as a shield at the last second, I wouldn't be writing this right now. After I threw what was left of the can at him, I took off as fast as I could. So yeah, unless your desperate, do not try to get anything from that place.
Day 55
Unicorns can track you. I don't know how, but they can. I was going through the sewers one day to see if I could find more hidden passageways when I started hearing voices. I looked around the corner and found all of the ponies that wanted my ass on a platter so far talking to some purple unicorn. Good thing I was already in the sewers, because I nearly shat myself when I saw them. That got even worse when I heard the purple one say something about a tracking spell and started moving towards me. If this happens, just start running. The sewers are practically a maze, so if you know it well enough, you'll be able to trip this unicorn up. Do not head towards the shelter unless you're ready to move to a new location. Thankfully, Zecora is more than willing to give me a place to hide for a few days. I just hope I don't end up leading these psychos towards her. She really doesn't deserve to have that crap dumped on her lap.
Day 63
Included in this journal is a set of instructions on how to brew a dreamless sleep tea. Use it! Apparently, there's a super rare type of pony called an alicorn and one of them can enter your dreams. I do not want to think about what kind of shit these things plan to do to me if they get in my head. Hell, maybe they already have! That was probably what made me give Yellow a chance in the first place! This should keep me from getting fucked with anymore than I've already been, but it's probably too late to begin with. I'm going to see if Zecora has anything to fix any damage the dream horse could've done to me. If there is, then I'll include it into the back of the journal.
Day 68
They found my shelter. Luckily, I kept the journal on me at the time, so they don't know about all of the stuff in here, but now I'm going to have to find a new place to set up shop. Hopefully, the guards running around don't know the sewers as well as I do.
Day 73
I almost got caught again. It wasn't the armored ponies from a few days ago. It was Purple's gang. This time, Blue and Pink tried to corner me in the forest, but Zecora showed me a few really good hiding places that managed to trip them up. Once I got back into the sewers, I just had to deal with one of the farmer ponies trying to track me down. When she cornered me, I lobed a glob of....something in the water at her and hauled ass. When I made it to an opening, Purple and the sewing pony tried to get the drop on me. This is why I suggest setting up a few surprises around the openings of your shelter. Because as soon as Purple tried to do something with her horn, I lit a match and dropped it on the ground. Why? because the ground there was soaked with a super flammable tree sap from the forest. Just make sure you don't dump the shit too close to the opening. Made that mistake and now I need to rub some burn cream onto my legs. Great.
Day 77
I think this is going to me my last entry. The ponies got real smart and have managed to corner me at Zecora's place. I'm all out of tricks, my legs are still pretty burnt up, and I don't want to drag Zecora into any of this shit. I don't know what these techno-colored fucks have in store for me, but I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of doing me in themselves. I'm going to give myself up to the guards standing around our house, but not before taking a slow acting poison. In about ten minutes, I'm not going to have to put up with this hell anymore. It's funny. Now that everything is about to come to an end, I'm not really all that scared anymore. It's kind of soothing, knowing that it's almost over. If you're reading this, then that means Zecora has followed my last request. All I have to say is good luck and good bye.
Tears ran down Twilights face, staining the already withered pages of the journal in her hooves. The hospital room was dead silent, save for the beeping of a heart monitor. Laying in a magically enlarged bed was the human known as James. His tattered clothing had been replaced by an almost comically small medical apron that barely covered his six-foot frame. Muck stains tainted his tanned skin, his build still toned in spite of seemingly going days living off of scraps or foraging. The hair on his head and face was long, blackish-brown, and messy from days of neglect. Hooked into his arm was an IV, the object slowly feeding his body a steady cocktail of potions to counter the damage from both his treatment and the poison. She couldn't bring herself to look at his legs, the screams she heard from him that day still ringing in her ears every time she did. They would heal, but the memory would take far longer to fade.
Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she set the journal aside and in a shaky voice forced out two words.
"I....I'm sorry."
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Am I the only one who feels like she’s not actually sorry?
Good one shot, hope you make a sequel or expand upon this someday!
Might want to take one of those out, but boy did I enjoy this! I love short and
sweetbittersweet stories, but I wouldn't say 'no' to some sort of follow up.Damn dude this is so good! You are extremely talented!
Yeah, I could see a human in Equestria would definitely get the Zecora treatment. Twilight might be insanely curious, Pinkie would be too friendly for most and Fluttershy might go into caregiver mode without knowing what she's dealing with (like in "Bird on the Hoof")
As to the end, Twilight realized the guy was merely trying to survive and ponies were just too much for him.
An enjoyable read!
Very good one shot, I liked how Zecora was the only who showed the displaced human any form of kindness as she knew what it was liked to be misjudged.
Sounds about right for the ponies, especially before they listened to Applebloom in the end about Zecora. They're like children with no real concept of proper reaction level to things outside of the daily routines, culture, or species. Pretty certain a human 6 out 10 times would be running from them.
Great work one this. 👍
I, too, would like to see a follow-up.
However, it's more impactful leaving as it is, with the open question of whether they will ever be able to counteract the poison or not....
11488925
Bunch of frickin hypocrites on "friendship/harmony" aspect, am I right?
Hopefully, they get karma on their colorful butts.
Talk about misunderstandings and poor communication skills from the ponies and even from James to a degree. I can only hope James pulls through and that mess could finally be cleared up.
Follow up please?
11488925
As much as I wish otherwise, the pones can be pretty pone-centric at times.
My own reaction to pones would depend heavily on HOW I met them. If I blacked out one day and woke up to see a purple muzzle and horn I might panic a bit, if I found that gosh-darned extra-dimensional portal, I would be a lot more enthusiastic. Of course that begs the question on how they would react to me, hopefully they'd be cautiously friendly (if that makes sense).
This can’t end what happened next
(What I like about this is that it portrays people as reasonable, but failing to communicate. Fluttershy sounds like she was just trying to help and Angel ruined everything, because Angel is horrible. Applejack? Yeah you chase down something eating your livelihood. Pinkie Pie probably wasn't actually trying to hurt him, she was probably just excited and curious. Rainbow DEFINITELY was, especially after she heard he decked Fluttershy, she gets tunnel vision. And Twilight was just attempting to solve the 'problem' of him, find him, likely due to a letter from Celestia.
Oh, and Rarity using a bat to chase away a forager... yeah actually that one's kind of bad, she should have put two-and-two together that someone rummaging in her trash isn't doing it because he has many options. Also, Spike's still a kid, so I give him kind of a pass. He shouldn't have done it with the fire, but at the same time, I can easily see him panicking and defending the household, and for all his maturity he is still a baby dragon. He's learning. Oh, and the Guard continues to just make things worse and/or be useless. Of course.
But again... there's some suggestions that they weren't ALL out to get him just to get him. That this was a series of miscommunications as much as anything else. That there were attempts to speak. That they didn't really understand. And I like that... there's some certainties, and some ambiguity... leaves it open for more, especially with Twilight's reaction at the end.)
11488829
Is she ever?
People who regret past actions make an effort to not repeat them. Toollight and crew seem to repeat the same mistakes each season if not each episode.
Personally I wouldn't set foot in that place without a full set of survival gear, the complete contents of my gun safe, and a 100% guaranteed way out. Humans may have lots of issues but at least there is a chance for reason to prevail. Ponies have this issue where if something doesn't fit 100% into their established routine their first, best, and last reaction is to kill or lobotmize it.
Great story. As others said I would like to see some more pretty please.
Who was actually in the wrong here????
11489171
yeah so...
who's really in the wrong here????
It's pretty weird that he camped up with Zecora for around 50 days, and never did it occur to Zecora to tell him that the ponies are alright. Also, the MC's decision to ingest slow-acting poison, an excruciating way to go, was highly questionable.
This. This story hit me like an unexpected gut punch...swift and without mercy.
Among all the 'what-if' scenarios I've seen explored by writers in the many years I've been part of this fandom, it's been rare to see this perspective. Take away the cutesy attitudes about 'friendship' and the seemingly "adorable" features, and consider the ponies for what they might actually be: a purely alien race, with unknown motives and desires. Because we're fans of the show, we're given to being welcoming of them. Still, this story makes one consider what would really happen if you suddenly found yourself on an alien world, with no clue how to get back to Earth, surrounded by colorful freaks with weird powers! Like our protagonist here, you wouldn't know what they want with you, and you seriously wouldn't want to find out...
I'm of two minds about this ending. On the one hand, I would like to know more about James and his journey, but on the other, I'm also fine with not knowing. I don't believe every story has to have a neat little bow at the end...and in this case, going further with the tale would lessen its impact. Does he make peace with the ponies? Does he find his way back home? Or is this the end for him, and he slips off on his terms, determined not to give those he perceives to be his enemies the satisfaction of watching him suffer?
I am rooting for him either way.
Cool idea and an interesting take on HiE, but damn dude, there are so many spelling errors. I also thought the ending was... pretty cheesy and short. It's a decent, smooth read, but could have used some editing.
the story is entertaining. but the idiot hid in the sewer. take a 7 in maximus stupidity.
Well
Shit
Sequel story please?
This was alright. Interactions are plausible enough, I could see the various characters reacting the way they do, especially since this seems pre-ascension Twilight era, possibly before Zecora came to town as well?
Fluttershy's Stare has never sat well with me TBH. It seems to directly affect the mind of the observer, inciting fear and/or docility. It appears to actually be magical, not just attitude and expression. It's not direct mind control exactly, but it does forcibly influence certain emotions in a way that it leaves the target vulnerable. The mind is sacrosanct, and should not be violated in such a manner without life and limb being at stake. Granted, he DID kick a bunny, but the only one who seems to like Angel is Fluttershy herself, and she should know he's a jerk to basically everyone. Fluttershy usually doesn't abuse The Stare too much, but she does use it instinctively, even when it's not really necessary.
If I were in a completely alien world (even if I was somehow able to communicate clearly like the protagonist), I'd definitely be cautious of the local population, cute or not. I imagine myself more open-minded than average, but I can't be too hard on someone who was forcibly ripped from their world and thrown into Equestria with no context.
I'd be open to reading a sequel, should it be made. Could expand on the cultural differences, and explain things between the protagonist and the world he finds himself in. As far as they knew he was some grubby sneaky and violent looter somewhat similar to the Diamond Dogs the gang experienced. He's a scared person alone in a strange world with no idea how he got there. Wouldn't need to be too long either, under 10K words, heck it could be around the length of this story, so long as one is fine with a lot of exposition being boiled down to 'we talked and explained our perspectives and circumstances, and realized we had more in common than not', followed by him writing about settling into life on an alien world with friendly, if skittish, locals. For a longer story in this vein, one might want to check out Misunderstandings by The Rogue Wolf on FimFetch (the author took their stuff down on FiMFiction).
This was a really good story! Any chance we can see a sequel where the various ponies (Mane 6, Luna, Celestia, guards) are writing in their own personal journals about the events leading up to the hospital? From when James arrives in Equestria to the end?
Most excellent.
11489294
I thought it might have been because this story might have taken place before Birdle Gossip. Though if it did take place after it, then it doesn't make much sense other than the story's plot demanded her not to. Given Zecora's pretty wise, she would have easily told him that the ponies are generally peaceful and harmless but can be potentially hostile to someone they don't know or understand--and it wouldn't help if the one they are hostile too are hostile right back (i.e. punching Fluttershy when she was trying to help) due to their own fear, and everything keep snowballing.
11489192
Sadly, humans can be like that too to a degree, given now it's far from unusual for someone to want to "fix" someone that isn't acting like a "normal" person, or who they see as a "normal" person, though due to political and religious reasons I won't go into more detail. But going back to the story, despite how it's easy for us to get on the ponies' case, I can really see humans acting the same way the ponies did in this story if an alien showed up here and (in our eyes) acted like they are dangerous (I.e. attacking a friend; most people wouldn't take kindly to their friends being attacked, let alone by some alien). Now some people would wonder if the alien is acting out of fear and could be peaceful, but realistically, just as many if not more people would just think they are dangerous and should be dealt with, either by capturing or outright killing them.
Misunderstandings can be a bitch, and yet can happen so easily in even real-life, it's almost sad. But at least they can make for good stories, when done right of course.
Should have taken the ol' cynide pill
Great story, not a fan of HIE but this one had me hooked.
My interpretation, under the assumption that Zecora was the one who gave James the poison, is that it wasn't poison but some sort of strong non-dreaming sleeping potion that will knock him out for a few days, make the ponies think he'll die so that they can reflect on how they've been handling this whole situation so that when he wakes up, they will be calm and rational and hopefully learn from this experience.
And the moral is... Being homeless sucks, I guess?
11489324
Any better alternative? Specially with Twilight chasing him using locating spells?
Everfree is death.
11488829
Nope, cause she shouldn’t be. You could cut out the last bit and the story wouldn’t change a bit.
Human runs scared before killing self. The end. Why is Twilight sorry? Uhhhhh… cause main character?
11489776
That's the real question, isn't it? Why is she sorry?
11489813
You tell me, you're the author.
11489816
It's meant to be an open ended story.
11489192
I think it’s more than that. Maybe it’s the timing?
11489776
Maybe because she had something to do with his condition.
11489850
What does open ended mean exactly? I am curious as this is the first time I've ever heard of it. So does it mean that it's opened up for anything?
11489892
It means that the ending is open to interpretation. A good example of this done relatively well was the ending of the movie The Lamb.
I would like a squeal! Prefect fitting for a prologue.
11489924
Thank you for answering my question, I really appreciate you giving me a better explanation of what "open ended" meant.
11489929
You want a..."squeal?" Odd request, but here you go: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!
No, no...no need to thank me. It's what I do!
11490041
OOOH MY GOD, LMAOO, YOU CAUGHT ME LACKING BIG TIME!
Should've reread my sentence. Nice rib friend.
11489924
I would assume James was mentally ill, possibly paranoid, and basically causing havok around Ponyville. The Elements had to take "extreme" measures to stop him and would have handled it differently had they only realized he was a fellow sentient suffering a mental break down sooner. Now he's severly injured, because they where too rough on him.
When the poison is either a sleeping potion or the doctors have better treatments.
Sequel?
11489294
Because maybe they aren't?
Remember that it wasn't just the Idiot Six who decided she was evil. It was the entire town. Hundreds or thousandsof creatures all deciding on the basis of where she lived and her appearance along with the irrational words of their neighbors that Zecora was as much an immediate threat to their lives as a manticore. And keep in mind that where her stripes hidden Zecora would be viewed as just an eccentric earth pony.
That level and scale of bigotry does not just appear out of nowhere. Its something that is instilled when young and reinforced by the creatures culture. Yes sometimes they seem to accept an outsider. If the outsider adopts all their cultural norms and defers to their "betters". If that outsider doesn't accept a lesser place in society though...
Well there was a phrase used during the days of westward expansion here in the USA. "The only good injun is tame or dead". That seems to fit the ponies view of non-ponies quite well. Either they become a funny-looking socially inferior pony (aka tame) or get chased out/ killed/ blasted with whatever mind-rape magic the ponies can bring to bear.
That said here is my challenge.
Name me ONE time in the show when a pony from Equestria actually interacted with another species using non-pony norms from the start and without being coerced to do so.
If this story gets a sequel, I’ll be a very happy man