• Member Since 15th Nov, 2015
  • offline last seen 12 minutes ago

Lordvessel


Thou who art undead, art chosen............

T
Source

In 2045, humankind declared a war that would nearly eradicate them. For 20 years, mankind engaged in the self-inflicted suicide of nuclear war. It is now 2087, and humanity has looked past its differences and have united under the banner of "The Survivors". But the Earth is dying, and humanity is only a little over 50,000 strong. However when a portal shows them the realm of Equestria and its endless prosperity, the last of humanity chooses to take up arms, and invade the peaceful country in the name of survival. But many can't help but feel that something else is at work, and that they might be fighting for the wrong reasons.

First featured on 11/15/15

Chapters (38)
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Comments ( 869 )

Damn. Great start. Also welcome to Fimfiction! :heart:

I don't see how invading Equestria would be the brightest idea, but it's der plot, and a different time of thinking, so it's okay.

2045?

*Alondro whispers to himself* The Apocalypse is scheduled much earlier than that... God told me so... :pinkiecrazy:

Let's hope that humanity can claim a new homeworld, though peaceful negotiations or though forceful conquest with them on top.

Amazing story, I await for when they feature this because they have no reason not to.

Wow, I really like the way this is going; and the way the world goes to shit in the first 2 chapters is perfect.

I wonder if the ponies are going to screw up first contact which convinces the humans that the ponies are their enemies. I have a few theories about what might happen but it would make this comment long. (Let me know if you want to hear them)
Stories looking good so far.

Welcome...have some Cola

FIRST....love this story...Need more like it.

6643595 Thanks for the pic man, can't believe this story got featured.

6644270 You have earned this dudes thumbs up!:pinkiehappy:

MMMMMM
Another one of this to add to my plate.

6647924 No problem, and more shall come

6644119 well you have a ratio of 43 likes to 1 dislike a feauted was expected

I like where your going with this so far, and I am curious what else you have in mind for this.

Comment posted by Castok the Shadow deleted Nov 20th, 2015

I kinda like this new chapter a day thing, not alot of good for feedback but you can get featured more easily this way.

I have four main problems with this story so far:

1. The writing could be better

2. The plot is progressing WAY too quickly

3. This chapter was basically one massive exposition dump that not only contributed to the hasty plot progression but also, in my opinion, portrayed the mane 6 out of character (for one thing, I highly doubt any one of them besides RD would be excited about fighting a monster)

4. You gave away too many details in the description. Thanks to the paragraph that was meant to do nothing more than catch my interest, I now know generally what's going to happen for, at the very least, the next couple of chapters.

I'll continue reading, but I thought I would at least comment about these.

6649671 That may not always be the case. Don't worry, I'm writing every day, but I'm currently enrolled in college, and have classes to think about. I intend to write a lot more come Christmas break, but for now expect chapters to be 1-3 days between each other, depending what my schedule's like. But I appreciate the advice, maybe if I have a lot more time on my hands I'll get featured again.

6649794 I appreciate the constructive feedback. Being this is my first story, the stuff you said will come in handy for future reference. I can assure you that the rest of these chapters won't be so rushed like the first four, as I'm taking a little more time to lay out the events of the story.

so far so good. Pretty unique plot, well written.

I like long chapters.

The intro drew me in. This has potential, and while I don't want to be a grammar nazi or rain on your parade to harmfully criticize, it needs some polishing when it comes to grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and even pacing. I want to see how this story develops, but you need to put a bit more care on how you're writing.

I'm noticing tense changes, and what I call "time shifts", in which you talk as if it was something happening in the present, as opposed to events that have already transpired and that you're telling us about.

Since I don't want to be an armchair critic, here are some I found. Please don't take it to heart as harmful criticism; quite to the contrary, I want to see this baby soar.

Ural’s

Plural. Should be Urals. No apostrophe needed.

The duo was sent on this particular assignment to keep them far away as possible from the weapon retrieval today, due to last week’s ammo dump incident.

Time shift. Should be something like "The duo was sent on that particular assignment (in order) to keep them as far away as possible from the weapon retrieval that day/happening that day, due to the prior week's ammo dump incident." (Saying "last week" makes it sound like it happened 7 days or less prior to our reading it.)

most survivors we’re bilingual,

Were.

and the 3rd’s was made up mostly of English and Arabic speaking individuals.

I know what you were referring to, but it would be clearer if you stated "The 3rd Squadron/battalion/division/company". Also, "English- and Arabic-speaking individuals" works better.

Achmed admired his friend’s optimism and resolve, even in the shitty situation they now call life, and he could still find something to look forward to.

Time shift with the "now". "They called" works better. The part about still finding something to look forward to sounds awkward and doesn't gel well with the context of Achmed's respect for his friend's attitude.

Sarge'

Apostrophe not needed.

“Never said we had to shoot it Achmed, we could probably bash it open, heard they’re made of plastic, so I figure they can’t be too durable.”

It's usually a good idea to put a comma to direct a statement to a person referred by name. Also, try using more periods and semicolons:
"Never said we had to shoot it, (COMMA) Achmed. (PERIOD) We could probably bash it open; (SEMICOLON) heard they’re made of plastic, so I figure they can’t be too durable.”

The conversations we’re a way to pass time for the two, but as time passed, they finally reached their objective.

Remember: "We're" is used to contract "We are".

“Well s#it. A damn shame.”

"Well, s#it. A damn shame." Otherwise, it sounds like you're referring to s#it that came from a well, or congratulating someone for having performed a proper evacuation. :rainbowhuh:

“Alright ya’ made your point.”

"All right, ya' made your point." Comma to acknowledge Achmed was right, and remember that until a proper English authority states so, it's never all right to write "alright".

“Tim you honestly didn’t expect me to stay forever did you?”

Comma after Tim's name.

“Well I’m the exception! Tim I-”

"Well, (COMMA) I'm the exception."

dimly lit

Dimly-lit.

I'll stop here. Please, don't think my intention is to trash your work, but to show you where it can be improved. I want to see how this story develops, and I urge you to review and proofread, or get the help of someone who can. Best of luck, and keep on writing.

6651545 No, No, of course not, I really appreciate your analysis on my work. This is my first time ever really writing on my own and constructive feedback/criticism is good, I can learn from my mistakes and end up writing better in the future. I'm glad you gave your own thoughts and opinions, and I'm glad to see, despite my early writing style, that you're interested in my work.

Waiting for the other horseshoe to drop here, and I wonder whos going to make the error

Wow your popping these out fast!

I like how you're posting a chapter a day, but you're taking the time to edit, right? The writing quality has been steadily decreasing and quality > quantity.

3 days ago: I just blew through this fic, damn me and my obsessive reading!

Today: 3 more!?! OH YESSSSS!

Oh Twilight, wanting to know more about humans. In the words of a young Illidan Stormrage "You are not prepared..."

6654210 The reason the first couple of chapters came out so quickly is because I had pretty much had that part of the story set in stone, now I'm taking a little more time with it deciding which path the narrative is going take. Last chapter I had to actually rewrite about 3 times before I got the one I liked, just because I felt like I was rushing it. I am now taking a little more time with each chapter now, making them longer and setting up the events that will unfold, so that the story reads out well.

6654895
So are you taking more time to write chapters or to edit them? Because there's a big difference. The reason I ask is because this line, though accurate, has several structural errors, doesn't read well, and makes no sense in context:

"That's it, 130? The only war worse for humans other than The Conflict, was World War 2. That killed about 65 million!"

If your character is trying to portray how bad humanity's conflicts have been in the past, he should say something along the lines of:

"That's it? 130? That's a minor skirmish in most human wars."

And then there's this line:

"We all agreed, that we were never to talk about that, Pinkie." she said. Tim was confused, for he had no idea what these ponies were going on about.
"I don't get it? I'm guessing I had to be there?"

The underlined part is completely unnecessary and should be taken out. You're making a common mistake here where you "tell" us what's happening and don't "show" us with context clues and character reactions. This, of course, is a common mistake and is usually hard to see but you actually "show" us what Tim's reaction was while also "telling" us with the underlined part, which actually makes it worse.

Neither of those should've made it through an editing process.

6655328 Alright For the second example, what you're saying is if the character is just going to state his confusion, there's no need to explain any of his thoughts in the sentence prior?

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