Chupter Thirtables: The Day Earth Kicked Equestria in the Nutshack! (April Fools Special)
It's the nutshack. It's the nutshack. It's the nutshack. It's the nutshack. It's the nutshack. It's the nutshack. It's the-*Shot by Mauser*..................................................................
A mysterious man wearing a silk black suit with the head reminiscent of a large golden bowl steps out into view, currently cycling the bolt of the Kar98k he's currently wielding as smoke still vents from the barrel. A small casing of brass is sent tumbling to the floor, and he begins to speak.
"Well, now that that meme is confirmed dead, allow me to begin." he says with flair to his voice. "I am Lord Vessel, and as you've no doubt guessed, I am the writer of this story, which, if you've reached this point, I can safely assume has gained your interest. As the author I take reader Feedback to the most humble degree, and I've seen that most of you are itching for conflict within my tale to get underway. Yet the more intellectual portions of your all's minds no doubt crave the dramatic intricacies that come with such a war drama. Yet today would just so happen to be the infamous April Fool's Day, and thus it is my vast and knowledgeable decision to simply ignore things like appropriate exposition and a coherent plot progression, for I have the appropriate means to conclude this story in an abrupt and satisfying fashion. So, I say to you, my audience, that I hope you enjoy my definitive conclusion of my story, my magnum opus, Lordvessel's, The Ones From Beyond."
The ride towards Fort Bismark was short and brief, like putting on underwear that is one size too small. The gunner had divulged in conversation with Andrew and Viktor which finally concluded when they arrived.
"And that's how you play the game, switch. Coincidentally, it's also how I got kidney stones. I think." he explained.
"Thanks for sharing soldier, how incredibly inappropriate." Andrew replied in an irritated tone.
Viktor's wide-eyed gaze of horror stifled any words he could formulate into a response. As they stepped out of the car, Andrew felt his foot inexplicably bump into something on the ground. Looking down, Andrew was surprised by the fact that the object in question was a book of all things, and by the looks of it, it seemed to be in pretty good condition.
"How the hell did this get here?" He said aloud.
He bent down to pick it up, rubbing what little dust that was on it off. Viktor, Sarah, and Achmed all saw that their Commander was holding a book, and were honestly intrigued by how the hell he just suddenly had a book on hand.
"Where did you find that, Andrew?" Viktor asked.
"Just on the ground." Andrew replied. "My foot knocked into it when I stepped out of the car."
Andrew flipped the book to its front side and read it's title aloud for all of them to hear.
"Ponies and Their Laughable Weaknesses, an Invader's Guide for Conquering Equestria. For Dummies! Written by Queen Chrysalis. Translated into Human English by L.D Vessel."
The humans were stunned by the title alone.
"Wow!" Andrew exclaimed with a big wide grin, with a look that if there were a camera inexplicably nearby, he'd be staring right at it. "How coincidental that a book like this shows up right at my feet, in a location that currently houses at least 2,000 armed and ready personnel, and an entire arsenal of armored vehicles, gunships, ammunition, and fighter jets!"
Achmed swiped the book from Andrew's hands so that he could gaze upon it. He looked down upon it with malicious intent.
"Along with a psychopath who want's to avenge his friend's dea-uh.....I mean. Who will follow whatever orders he's given and totally doesn't want to start a war needlessly." Achmed went on to say.
"That's a pretty big book though. How long will this take to read?" Sarah wondered.
.......One Hour Later.......
"Not very long apparently." Sarah said completely dumbfounded.
"Yeah, no kidding." Achmed added. "A little weird that a book this big is mostly pictures of those natives being conquered in multiple yet horrific ways. At least that gave all four of us a chance to read it front to back."
"Soooooooooooooo................does this mean what I think it means?" Viktor asked. "That our enemy is incredibly weak and we can simply use this advantage as a major negotiating tactic when we inform the Council?"
The three other human beings stared at Viktor with looks of disbelief, shaking their heads disapprovingly.
"Uh, no." Andrew replied. "It obviously means that we ignore the Council entirely because we humans can conquer them with ease. And that we'll be doing so."
"Wait, what!?"
"You heard me! This will be easy!"
"HEY!" a voice cried out behind them.
They turned to look who it was coming from, who happened to be Councilor Bradford, a very disapproving look on his face.
"I can't believe you all. You can't just go off to war willy-nilly!" He argued.
"Thank you Councilor, finally someone who is speaking some sense!" Viktor said in relief.
"Of course, everyone knows you need to make a statement as your doing it!" He said with a devilish grin.
"Exactly, we-wait, WHAT!?"
Bradford gestured to some pretty advanced hardware that just miraculously appeared behind him. Among them were suits of exo suit power armor frames, a gigantic bipedal assault walker, a gundam suit, hover tanks, railguns and about all forty portals. Viktor lost any capacity for coherent speech, simply dumbfounded how everyone lost their sense of restraint and how all this shit just managed to manifest in one location.
"I like the way you think Bradford!" Achmed chimed in.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Bradford asked, as he stepped inside a suit of power armor, picking up a giant mini gun in the process. "Let's get to doing what we humans do best!"
"But wait, don't we gotta take some time to prep first?" Sarah argued.
"No we don't." Andrew explained. "All the troops and vehicles are armed and ready to roll."
"Where!?" Sarah asked.
"Right here!" Andrew exclaimed in a jumping jack pose that levitated him off of the ground for a few seconds.
Sarah turned around to see the entirety of Fort Bismark as well as all those troops stationed at the research facility armed extensively waiting to move out. Tanks, IFVs, and APCs were revved up and ready to roll. Gunships and helicopters were in mid-air, ready to fly in sending death from above. And Jets were on the Fort's runway, engines roaring and ready to fly through portals that stood several feet above the ground.
"HOW DID I NOT HEAR ANY OF THAT COMMOTION GOING ON!?" Sarah yelled.
"Silly, Sarge." Achmed said. "Everybody knows mobilization is just a myth!"
At this point, Sarah simply gave up trying to explain what was going on and just decided to roll with it. The same could not be said for Viktor, who was currently rolling on the ground like a deranged madman. Andrew stood up on a conveniently placed soapbox, to rally the troops with a heart-filled and moral grandstanding speech!
"MEN OF THE MILITIA! I stand before you today to lead what will no doubt be the greatest fight for survival in human history! For years we've suffered through war and the atrocities it brings! BUT! That was all on us, that was our fault and we realize that! But these guys! OHH, THESE GUYS! Those fuckers wanted to take a jab at us first! Exploit our current situation! Tried to create their own portal so they could wipe us out!"
The amassed troops began a violent, jeering display of boos and derogatory remarks towards their enemy.
"Or possibly enslave or subjugate us! Turn us into a free workforce to tend to their fields, or WORSE, have as working as servant butlers or something!"
"I FUCKING HATE BUTLERS!!!" Francis screamed, pounding at his chest.
"But they made one fatal mistake! They picked a fight with the wrong species. We as humans, have been defined by war! We've fought over land, religion, resources, ideology, we even fought over a bucket one time! They don't know one damn thing about warfare! I say, it's time to teach em' a thing or two!" Andrew yelled.
"THEY INFERIOR SPECIES!" Ahab screamed at the top of his lungs. "MAN TRULY SMARTEST!"
The amassed troops began throwing various bits of rock and junk into the air, their violent tendencies only growing as a result.
"I say we get over to their world and put a boot up their ass! Show them that the tiniest slight towards mankind will be met with a completely unjustified and brutal response! That if they mess with us, THEY GET MESSED UP!"
The troops were absolutely ecstatic at his suggestion, discharging their weapons into the air, as tanks and armored vehicle fired off their rounds into the air as well, causing a lot of unnecessary damage. Some would say this would be a complete waste of ammo, but shut up who cares.
"The time for peace and negotiations is past! Why negotiate when we simply take what we want! Politics is for pussies who don't know how to fight! ARE YOU ALL PUSSIES!?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"I DIDN'T THINK SO! So I say we give our enemy a one way vacation to hell! MEN! WE! GO! TO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!" Andrew screamed.
The troops had essentially reverted back to mindless apes at this point. The portals opened and like the violent monkeys that they were, they charged in, their thirst for blood and warfare currently unquenchable. When they were gone, all that was left was Viktor, still utterly flabbergasted by what just happened. Standing alone for a few seconds, his mind failing to process what just unfolded, he came to a reasonable solution to fix his problem.
"Eh, Trakhayte, pochemu ne?" (Eh, Fuck it, why not?)
MEANWHILE AT SWEET APPLE ACRES..........................................................
The ruins of Applejack's farm had finally been cleared of the bodies of those who had fallen. Those who had attended to the task looked on in somber contemplation. Two of those guards, who were among the fresh troops from Baltimare, were by the barn, simply watching as the last of the bodies were being loaded up into the carts to be returned to their families.
"I can't believe so many were killed." One of them said.
"I know, It's hard to believe."
"What happens if they come back?" one guard asked.
"I don't know." The other said. "It could only be a matter of time before the-"
A loud eruption of static began to abruptly emanating behind the two, and as they turned around, they saw a bright blue vortex form within the confines of Applejack's barn. Then another popped open outside. Then another in the air, and another on the ground, and another. Soon over 40 of these vortexes littered the grounds of Sweet Apple Acres. A few seconds passed by before a storm of human soldiers stormed forth from the portal like the legions of hell, howling, cursing, with clear intent to murder and maim. The two guards were no match, dying almost instantly from the sheer volume of human boots that stormed over them.
The human charge spread across the property, like the floodwaters of yore, and was soon joined by a vast amount of armor and gunships. The barrage set against them was relentless, the bullets! THE SHELLS! THE MISSILES! OH GOD THE INHUMANITY!!!
Applejack, in the process of packing and saying her goodbyes, heard the commotion as gunshots rang out. The sound alone racked her nerves as an enormous pit grew in her stomach. Her first instinct was to hide, along with her family back in the cellar. Before she even could however, the roof above her erupted in a fiery explosion, sending wood and debris in all directions. And soon everything went black in Applejack's vision. When she came to, she found she could barely move, and that it was loud, like really loud, like one of Pinkie's parties gone to far into the night loud.
Her vision suddenly cleared, and what she saw frightened her. All over her beloved family farm, as far as her eyes could see, were human beings, armed to the teeth and causing quite the rumpus! The scene was chaos and disorder, enough to give Discord a run for his money. Humans went on various sprees of unchallenged violence and misdemeanor. From chasing poor defenseless guards in some giant steel beast, the humans operating it laughing maniacally in the process, to lighting her orchards on fire with flamethrowers and setting satchel charges just so they could watch them explode.
Looking down at herself to see if she was injured, she was quick to notice that she was in fact tied to a tree with overly vast amounts of para-cord. I mean seriously one could call it overkill. She was like pig in a blanket, rendered completely immobile. Looking around she saw that she wasn't the only one. All her family, along with several guards were in the same situation as her, albeit with less amounts of restraining material holding them down. She continued watching the chaos in horror.
"LOOK OUT!" A guard cried.
As a stray SOG tomahawk suddenly wedged its way into the tree where Applebloom was tied and nearly took her sister's head off, she heard something rustling above her in the tree. It, or more appropriately, he came swiftly swinging upside down like Spiderman©, his face directly in front of hers. It was no other than Achmed Sabbag.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY YOU!" He mused maliciously.
Applejack responded by screaming in horror, much to Achmed's dismay.
"SHUT UP I'M INTERROGATING!!!" He yelled at her.
"WAI-Wuh?" she muttered.
"NO!!! SHUT UP! I'M INTERROGATING YOU!"
Achmed proceeded to bonk her on the head with a tactical baton. Applejack yelped in pain as Achmed dropped onto the ground on all fours liked some deranged apeman, approaching even closer to her in the same fashion, much to AJ's dismay.
"Now listen up, No doubt you've heard of me already, I was the one who tried to kill your precious Princess, punched the other one, and took the last one hostage. But I know you own this crummy apple place and I know who you are. Applejack!" Achmed seethed.
The hair on the back on the back of Applejack's head stood up upon hearing the revelation.
"H-how do....d-do you know my..N-name?" Applejack babbled.
"How I know your name isn't important right now. What is important though, is what your gonna tell me." He said with dastardly undertones. "I know you know her."
"W...w-who the h-hay is h-her?"
"HHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!" He howled. "The BLUE one!"
Applejack, both frightened and confused, had the nerve to have him elaborate, although she had a feeling on who was referring to.
"There's a lot of blue ponies." She said defensively. "I'm gonna ne-"
"DON'T PLAY STUPID WITH ME!!!" Achmed hissed, aggressively booping AJ in the nose. "You know exactly who I'm talking about. The one with THE MOON ON HER ASS! THE ONE WHO KILLED MY FRIEND!"
That pretty much confirmed her suspicions, yet despite being at the mercy of a deranged alien, she wasn't willing to sell her out.
"Y..y.y..y..You won't get nothin from me!" Applejack defiantly stammered. "And your friend wouldn't have died if y'all hadn't been sneaking around!"
Achmed cocked his head as a wide creepy grin spread across his face, which made AJ almost regret saying that.
"Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh. Devil's advocate all of a sudden now?" Achmed retorted. "You have no idea how much Tim and I were friends!"
As Achmed pulled the Plot dev-I mean Photo album out of his as-I mean, pocket, he flipped the pages to a specific one, where photo records of Tim and Achmed's exploits.
"This is all I have left of those precious moments we spent together." Achmed wailed.
The first mission which ended with them trashing their one and only humvee, that time Tim ate 6 radioactive Twinkies and grew a benign tumor in his stomach, the time they stumbled upon an abandoned yet operational T-90A tank, which was just sitting in some garage, and proceeded to go on a joyride with it. And who could forget that time they burnt the base down with their half-assed rocket experiment, ha ha, such good times.....................................................................................13 people died in that fire. There was also that time Achmed snapped a photo of Sarge in the shower rooms engaging in lewd self-acts of fin-
"WHAT THE HAY IS THAT ONE!!!" Applejack cried out.
"S-SORRY!" Achmed stammered in a fluster, desperately trying to put away that particular photo. "T-t-t-t-that's a..eh...uh..a special....o-one."
Stuffing the album away and taking a moment to recollect and reacquire his more intimidating persona, he went back to interrogating.
"Tim's dead because of her! She took something from me, and I'm going to take something from her! So I'd reconsider changing your mind on telling me where she is, OR ELSE!"
"O..o..or else w..w-what?" Applejack asked fearfully.
"Or else..."
Achmed moseyed over to where her family were currently tied down, more specifically, Applebloom. Each step closer towards her younger sister sent every nerve of AJ's protective instincts into overdrive. Gone was the fear she felt earlier, replaced entirely by anger.
"YOU HARM A SINGLE HAIR ON HER HEAD AND I'LL-"
"Hurt her?" Achmed laughed. "Oh no I'm not gonna hurt her, it's a T-rated fic for Christ's sake. Plus I think we're already on the verge of pushing it. Need to take a few steps back. But, no. I'm not gonna hurt her, physically at least. I'm simply going to clue her in on the truth about certain holiday icons, what it's really like being a grown up, the futility of striving towards your dream goals, Nickelback, and exposing her to the things you've deemed too inappropriate for her young, fragile, little mind to handle. Like, oh I dunno just spit balling here really..........."
Achmed let a devilish grin spread across his face.
"The birds and the bees!"
Applejack and her family once again grew wide-eyed with their expressions, the mere hint at their youngest being subjected to the lewd and hard facts of the world at an early age, being too much to fathom.
"You wouldn't." Applejack challenged.
"Oh, but I would." Achmed reaffirmed.
"What's the birds and the bees?" Applebloom asked.
"You're about to find out!" Achmed gleefully smirked.
A choice was now before Applejack. Princess Luna's location, or her Sister's innocence.
MEANWHILE AT THE TOWN'S CENTER....................
The scene was utter madness as column after column of armor came raining down the streets of Ponyville in one glorious wave of Blitzkrieg. The Tank leading the charge, one Leopard 2A1, was commanded by Lt. Heinrich Schulze, who reveled at their success in utterly routing the enemy. His gunner was letting loose with every weapon currently in his arsenal, a devilish grin, shouting obscenities and insults towards his cowardly enemy.
"Men!" the Lieutenant announced in a thick Bavarian accent. "I believe it ist time to initiate ze psychological VARFARE! Vee shall break zem und der pitiful defenses!"
"Hell yeah, sir!" the driver shouted, handing him a cassette tape. "Here! Put this in that player to your right, got a stereo system hooked up on the outside, this'll make em' piss their pants!"
Lt. Schulze inspected the tape, the words, "Powermetalacolpyse Volume.1" written in sharpie on its exterior. Schulze grinned, and did as his driver suggested. As he closed the lid to the cassette player and hit play, he cranked the volume to the highest it would go.
The speakers on the Leopard's exterior blasted with an almost triumphant roar, as the glorious sounds of the Swedish chord echoed throughout Ponyville. The human's advance now seemed to have escalated tenfold, each eruption of a tank gun almost coinciding the beating of the drums, as tanks charged through homes, buildings, and structures alike, obstacles practically powerless to stop the iron will of humanity.
Schulze turned out of his Iron coffin, and manned the M2 Browning turret that rested above the Commander's hatch. He pulled back the charging handle, and proceeded to let loose a torrent of 50. caliber rounds down upon his helpless enemies. He then picked up a loudspeaker, which also connected to the outside stereo system.
"HAHAHA!" He bellowed. "RUN!RUN! RUN BEFORE ZE MIGHT OF MANKIND! YOU HAVE NO HOPE OF VICTORY AGAINST ZE SHEER WILL OF MAN! VE VILL ANNIHILATE YOU! Ihre kläglichen Knochen werden unter der Macht unserer Eisenschritte zerquetscht. Den Hunden Ihre Eingeweide werden eingezogen! Ihre Hoffnungen des Sieges werden wie Kühe zum Gemetzel ausgeweidet! Die Träume und die Wünsche Ihres mitfühlenden Rennens werden heraus geschnüffelt, wie unsere Art Ihres sich bemächtigt! Verlassen Sie alle Hoffnung! Hageln Sie Sieg! Hageln Sie die menschliche Rasse!"
As Lt. Schulze foamed at the mouth, elsewhere in town the Infantry were pushing their way up towards Twilight's Castle, putting down anything and everything with four legs, dumb enough to get in their way, with a barrage of lead, so furious, so unfathomable, that the very air around them seemed to ignite into a blazing inferno, leaving nothing behind but the charred bones of what was once your everyday guardspony.
Andrew and Viktor led one of the assaults towards the center of town, dodging whatever magical projectiles the stragglers of Schulze's armored charge left behind. After nearly dodging three shots from some unicorn guard who was positioned in a half collapsed building, Andrew let loose with his M-TAR on the enemy. His shots unfortunately missed, and he took cover behind an abandoned wagon as more blasts of energy were directed his way. Viktor did the same behind some crates on the other side of the street, as several more unicorn guards joined the first one, an soon a multitude of more unicorn guards joined their allies, effectively pinning them down and halting the advance.
"VIK!" Andrew yelled out. "I'm pinned down here!"
"I realize this!" Viktor replied. "Suggestions?!"
"I HAVE ONE!" A triumphant voice declared.
Looking to the direction from whence they came, they see, clear as day, the charging colossus of Councilor Bradford, operating a state of the art, pre-war, mint-condition, bad ass-approved, all around big dick enhancer, XM-2055mk.69g3tr3kt Mod 9000 power-armored exo-suit frame, complete with targeting computer, jetpack, pneumatic fists, built in flamethrower, mini-mortar, missile launcher, and a downloadable copy of Them's Fightin' Herds. Armed with a Gau-19 mini-gun dubbed "Metal Machine", Bradford charged the enemy emplacement, letting out a proud, yet somewhat high-pitched screeching attempt at a battle cry as he let loose upon the ponies.
It was at that moment that an idea popped into Andrew's Brain, and he looked to Viktor, as he would need his help in carrying it out effectively.
"Viktor! Remember Volgograd?!"
Upon those words, Viktor instantly knew what Andrew had in mind.
"On three!" Viktor announced. "One, two, three!"
Like ninjas, they ran towards the center of the street, right as Bradford was passing by. They jumped! Landing one foot on Bradford's arms. Due to his enhanced armor, Bradford didn't even feel the extra weight. Using their momentum, the two First Recon Operators cast themselves into the air into a back-flip, aiming their rifles at the enemy, and dumping the entire mag at them in the process, as the two men arched over Bradford in the air. The rounds wiped out pony after pony, each making their mark until only three were left! Then, both Andrew and Viktor, while still in the air, emptied their weapons, via the patented, TACTICAL MAG FLIP!!!
Using the careful maneuver, each man released their magazines, sending them flying, yes literally flying, towards their enemy. Like Boomerangs, they closed the distance between their targets, in this case, the two unicorns to the left and right of the center pony, who happened to be a certain cyan pegasus with a Rainbow Mane. The magazines swept by, slitting the two enemies' throats in the process and began to circle their way back. Andrew and Viktor had landed from their artful tacticool maneuver, each holding out their rifles as the soaring magazines were once again loaded into their respective rifles.
Rainbow Dash stood no chance as Bradford charged at her, obliterating what little cover their was, and sending her flying back, landing on the ground outside the building. Her head still spinning from the physical hurdle she was sent into, Bradford menacingly walked up to his victim, pointing "Metal Machine" directly into her face. When her sight cleared up, and she saw plain as day what was happening, she did what any smart individual would do in a position like this.
"I-I SURRENDER!" Rainbow Dash yelled, hooves stretched out into the air.
Bradford lifted the mini-gun out of her face and pointed to Andrew, who along with Viktor, were catching up with him.
"Talk to him about surrender. I'm just a scientist."
Bradford walked off to participate elsewhere in the battle, leaving the confused mare at the mercy of Viktor and Andrew.
"Well, well, well! Look who it is." Andrew chuckled. "The native who tried to rush us."
Rainbow, still knocked onto the ground, looked up to see two familiar humans.
"You!" Rainbow spat defiantly. "You're responsible for this aren't you!?"
"If you're implying that I'm overseeing this current operation, then yes, I am."
"You're a monster!" Rainbow snarled.
"Wouldn't have happened if your leaders weren't so keen on subjugating us." Andrew said defensively.
Rainbow raise an eyebrow at that accusation.
"What are you talking about!?" Rainbow asked.
Andrew got right in her face, a steadfast look on his face.
"We know all about that portal you guys built. It was prototype! And once you deemed it successful your leaders would reproduce it so that they could initiate an invasion of Earth! OF MANKIND! That's why your leaders killed Berfield, because he knew too much. Well you guys made one BIG mistake! You messed with the wrong species! So now, we're invading you!"
Rainbow's jaw was wide open at just how incredibly wrong that statement was.
"WE BUILT THAT THING TO HELP BERFIELD GET HOME YOU DOLT!" Rainbow proclaimed. "Tim came to us because he wasn't expecting a rescue! We've been with him for days, and throughout that whole time we treated him with kindness, and worked with him to build that portal! When we opened it we got attacked by some affront to nature when it opened up in the middle of nowhere!
"LIKELY STORY!!!" Andrew said in rebuttal. "But we know why you really built it! And why you killed Tim when he found out!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? Tim died by accident! We had no idea magic was lethal to him!"
"LIES!!! No doubt fabricated to cover for your race's crimes against ours! Achmed Sabbag told us everything!"
"And you believed the guy who had to watch his friend die before his eyes?! Did the thought occur to you that he may had made it up as a way of getting payback!? Did it occur to you that he may be EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE!?!?!"
"Nonsense! Achmed's psychological state is as solid as can be!" Andrew assured her.
At that moment Achmed came running past them, cackling like a hyena and wielding two AA-12's loaded with dragon breath rounds and sporting chainsaw bayonets.
"VENGEANCE!!!!!!!!" He screamed, firing rounds of fiery death nonchalantly around him.
"You see, fit as a fiddle!" Andrew reassured her.
Rainbow's brain began to glitch out at the sheer amount of ineptitude that was being displayed. Tim may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but compared to the human perspective she was experiencing now, he was practically fucking Einstein, or whatever pony equivalent exists. Holstein? Einsteed? Hein- ah whatever.
Rainbow groaned quite audibly, the level of stupidity effectively breaking her will to try and reason with the dumb apes. But the fact that she had surrendered was one she hadn't forgotten.
"Celestia help me, you mind telling me what exactly is your policy for prisoners?" Rainbow asked. "Dungeon? Guinea Pig? Turned to stone? Death by stupidity?"
Andrew took a moment to think that over, and came back with an answer surprisingly quick.
"Well...................................Official Militia prisoners are usually processed through the official POW administrator, but given that he's absent in this battle, I'm afraid that responsibility falls upon my friend here. To which he will carry out to his discretion." Andrew informed her while gesturing to Viktor. "Vik, you deal with her, I gotta lead the troops!"
Andrew ran off to who the fuck knows, leaving the the mare to the mercy of Viktor. Rainbow groaned internally, only for a dark looming shadow to be cast over her. Looking to it's source, Rainbow's expression went from annoyed to scared shitless in an instant. What Rainbow saw in the man standing over her absolutely terrified her. His demeanor was cold, his features battered and bruised, his hands grasping one of the marvelous weapons of Soviet Engineering, a chiseled, soulless expression devoid of emotion that would make Stalin proud, the iconic K6-3 helmet with it's fair share of battle scars, and for some strange reason, his very presence seemed to be accompanied by an all male choir singing a song in a language that added an element of foreboding dread to him.
Accompanied by the sight of three Su-25's and a pair of Mi-24D Hinds flying overhead, and he had essentially become Russia incarnate. These combined factors managed to squeeze a very audible gulp from her. Viktor slowly lowered his stance down over her, his eyes devoid of soul and happiness.
"Sooooooo...heh..Viktor, huh?" Rainbow stammered. "So is this prisoner of war like an official thing or is it gonn-
Viktor quickly reached out and clamped an iron collar around Rainbow's neck and tied a rope tight around her wings. Rainbow's eyes went wide as he pulled heavily at the chain connecting to her collar, bringing her face to face with him.
"Do you know what a Gulag is?" He inquired in a thick Russian voice.
"N-no." Rainbow Dash whimpered. "W-what's a gulag?"
Viktor responded with a malefic grin.
"You're about to find out."
MEANWHILE AT SUGARCUBE CORNER.........................
"INCOMING!!!"
The scene was a massacre, everywhere Pastries and the poor souls who were unfortunate enough to be hit by them we're scattered across the ground. One man who had been impaled by a cupcake and survived now lay on the ground, screaming in utter pain as the medics desperately tried to get to him. Four had already fallen in the attempt, but the Pink pony who defending the building they were trying to take was merciless in dealing out death and...........
......oh wait, I forgot she's supposed to be with Twilight at this point, Fuck, I forgot. Uh, ooh I know! I'll just say she teleported, Pinkie's known for her so random personality anyway, that'll make sense! MAN I'M A GOOD WROTER!
So Pinkie Pie is defending Sugarcube Corner by throwing cakes and shit, and the soldiers, who I assume are high off glue, are pretending it actually matters.
"It's a slaughterhouse out there!" Richards cried. "We can't even break a foot or two without getting iced!"
"MY LEG!!!!" Nazif cried out, a splattered cake covering the entirety of his left leg.
"MEDIC!" Delp yelled.
"YOU BOYS HAD ENOUGH!!!" Pinkie taunted. "THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!!!"
Another oversized pastry came hurling over them landing on the windshield of the Humvee supporting them. The Humvee's occupants jumping out of the vehicle, screaming at the top of their lungs and rolling around on the ground uncontrollably. Nick, assigned as a radio operator for this mission, was quick to call for back up.
"Eagle-1, Eagle-1, this is Chipmunk 4-1, we're pinned down at a dunkin doughnuts, requesting air support over!"
"*Copy that, Chipmunk 4-1, we're ETA 2 mikes to your position, requesting attack coordinates, over.*"
"Copy, Eagle-1, coordinates are, Romeo 34636-Niner Foxtrot Uniform, Be advised, danger close, I repeat, DANGER CLOSE!"
"*Copy that Chipmunk 4-1, preparing for strafing run at coordinates, Romeo 34636-Niner Foxtrot Uniform. Gonna make em' taste firepower.................................................................AND FREEDOM!!!*
A pair of Attack helicopters, one AH-64E Apache and one AH-1Z Viper diverted away from their previous engagement and began soaring their way towards the new destination to the sound of electric guitars blaring at high volume. Each were ready and fired up to deliver a heaping helping of Freedom to the undeserving savages who inhabited this world. Their target was soon in sight, and through the view of their thermal camera, they could see the white silhouette of the pony defending it.
"*Light em up!*" Eagle-1 yelled over the comms.
Pinkie realized her fate the moment she saw the first helicopter.
"...oh crud..."
Within mere moments, Pinkie Pie was subjected to torrents of 20mm and 30mm fire, along with wave after wave of Hellfire, Sidewinder, and Hydra rockets. Fire and death and explosions and stuff rendered Sugar Cube corner into a newly rendered oil refinery.
"*YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! That's what I'm talkin' about! Chipmunk 4-1, did you-...............oh, shit.*"
It was at that particular moment Eagle-1 realized that his barrage had also killed a majority of Chipmunk 4-1, along with 4-2, 4-3, 4-4, you get the picture.
"*Ah, ah, ah shit.*" Eagle-1 Babbled.
"*Well that's a court marshallin'.*" Eagle-2's Pilot quipped from the other Helicopter.
"*Way go you team-killing fucktard!*" Eagle-1's Co-pilot jeered.
"*HEY! You helped! This is as much your fault as it mine!*" Eagle-1's Pilot said defensively.
"*Should have thought about that before unloading death from above!* Eagle-2's Co-pilot mused in a strange feminine voice.
This was enough to elicit a somewhat confused, if alarmed response from Eagle-1's occupants. Turning to look at the other Helo, what they saw shook their core. In the Pilot's seat was now a Pink Pony, garbed in all the appropriate Pilot Gear, giving them a teasing little wave with her hoof. When they saw the Co-Pilot's seat, they greeted with the sight of Eagle-2's Co-pilot dead in his seat, several eclairs shoved down his throat, no doubt causing death via asphyxiation.
"*Oh, look!*" Pinkie exclaimed. "*Eagle-2 has two unused Sidewinders. I wonder how I can put those to use?*"
"*You're bluffing! That kind of vehicle takes months to know how to operate, let alone use it's weapon systems. You don't know you to even use those things!*" Eagle-'s pilot adamantly claimed.
"*You wanna bet?*" Pinkie cooed.
The Viper turned ninety degrees towards Eagle-1, and soon enough, the Missile tracking alert began to blare within Eagle-1's Apache.
"*SHE'S LOCKING ON! HOW DOES SHE KNOW HOW TO LOCK ON!*" Eagle-1's Co-pilot panicked.
"*EVASIVE! Have the flares prepped!*" Eagle-1's Pilot shouted out.
Pinkie let out a gleeful giggle as she fired the first missile. It erupted at such incredible speed, leaving little time for error on Eagle-1's part. But despite the unfavorable odds, Eagle-1 managed to flip their bird around, popping their flares just before the missile got within kill-range. From there, they began to work their way around to get a possible position behind her, and thus gaining advantage over her. But Pinkie was quick to give chase, beginning an aggressive pursuit of Eagle-1.
"*You can run, but you cant hide!!!*" Pinkie yelled over the comms.
"*Shit! How the hell does she know how to fly that thing!?*" The Co-Pilot yelled.
"*Doesn't matter! She's only got one more sidewinder! All we need to do is evade her last missile and we'll be fine!*" The Pilot reminded.
"*BUT WE'RE OUT OF SIDEWINDERS!!!*"
"*Yes, but we also have access to something she doesn't! The chaingun! Once we get behind her, we can let loose with the-*"
Suddenly a stream of 20mm fire came whizzing past their cockpit, with a few rounds landing on the back of the outside chassis.
"*SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THE CHAINGUN!!!*" The Co-Pilot screamed.
"*HOW!?!*" The Pilot squealed.
"*Manual Fire Mode!*" Pinkie mused over the comms
"*Manual Fire Mode? What is this, Arma?*"
Another stream of fire hit them, this time inflicting heavy damage to the tail rotor.
"*SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! We've been hit!*" the Co-Pilot screamed.
Their missile tracking alarm began to let out with the warning alarm.
"*FLARES! NOW!*" The Pilot ordered.
"*THEIR NOT RESPONDING!!!*" The Co-Pilot wailed.
"*Kiss your flanks goodbye!*" Pinkie taunted, followed by a maniacal laugh.
"*This may be it buddy.*" the Pilot said honestly to his friend.
"*Since we're gonna die, I'm just gonna let ya know it was me who knocked up your girlfriend.*"
"*...........................................................................WHAT!!!??!!*"
"*Wow. Pardon my language, but only a bucking flank-hole would do that was kind of thing!*" Pinkie added.
"*I'm sorry! We we're drunk! She came ont-*"
"*I'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF MOTHERFUCKER!!!*"
The comms soon, turned into the sound of a violent brawl, and before Pinkie's eyes, the Apache turned underbelly up and crashed into the ground.
"*Wow, I didn't even need to fire the last-*"
The Missile tracking warning began to blast inside the cockpit.
"*What the hay?!*" Pinkie exclaimed.
Suddenly something jumped from a nearby roof and in front of her hijacked Helo and into view. It was none other than Corporal Harris, holding two FIM-92 Stingers in each hand. The Stinger Missiles erupted from their tubular housing and charged at Pinkie's death machine at point blank range. The missiles made impact, and upon detonation, shredded the Viper and its occupant.
As Harris landed on the ground, discarding the expended missile launchers as he watched the attack helicopter go down in fiery blaze. As it exploded upon crashing, Harris said to himself.
"Tango down."
"Not quite!" A voice mused behind him.
Harris turned around, to see Pinkie Pie, completely unscathed. Pinkie however, found herself just a tad bit disappointed at his lack of a response. No jump, no twitch, nothing.
"Huh?" she said aloud. "This is usually when you humans get scared or alarmed."
Harris said nothing, maintaining the same neutral stance, his face obscured behind tac-goggles and a face wrap.
"Okay, the whole silent thing is creeping me out dude."
"THERE'S ONE!" a voice yelled.
Within seconds, Harris found himself surrounded by dozens on dozens of guards, bearing shields, spears, and swords.
"OH HEY EVERYPONY!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
The guards simply ignored her and began to close in on him. Harris went for his gun, yet found out that his firearms were in fact missing.
"Looking for these doohickeys?" Pinkie gloated, displaying his guns, knives, and grenades that she somehow managed to swipe away from him without him noticing. Harris was simply silent, his body language unchanged, much to Pinkie's disappointment.
"Seriously, nothing?" She said unbelieving. "Well, whatever, you're out of options anyway."
Harris simply responded by pulling out his Sapper Shovel.
"PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFT! HAHAHAHAHA!" A guard laughed. "A shovel? And what the hay do you plan on doing with-"
The guard's hilarity ended when Harris cleaved the sharpened spade into his skull, eliciting an ear-splitting shriek from him. Harris followed this by a quick slash to the throat. Like lightning, Harris began his assault on the guards, hacking, slashing, stabbing, bashing, and tearing his way through his foe. The guards were quick to engage, yet their efforts seemed almost in vain, as any attempt to stop him was met with a quick but gruesome death by Harris' hands.
Harris was merciless as his attacks drowned out the screams and cries of mercy of his victims. Blood poured by the gallon and guts fell by the pound onto the ground as the guards tried to close in on their foe, yet to no success. Pinkie Pie watched in pure horror as guard after guard met a gruesome end to his spade. It was over in less than a minute, as the ground was littered the butchered corpses of those who had tried and failed, leaving only the blood-soaked figure of Harris as the only one left standing, his back turned to the only pony present. Pinkie began to backpedal away from the murderous machine. She didn't even get a step in before his head darted back to her. His goggles had shattered in one spot, giving Pinkie a clear view of his left eye. Her body froze, her gaze completely enraptured by his one eye as it stared right into her soul. Pinkie tried to scream, yet she had lost the ability to speak, her voice completely gone.
Harris began to close the distance between Pinkie and himself, his spade splattered in a crimson coat. Pinkie's innate abilities to seemingly defy logic had suddenly failed on her, as this human somehow defied her powers of absurdity with his own powers of sheer might. That Pinkie sense that she had been known for told every bone in her body to run, as her powers had now been supplemented with pure flight instincts. Pinkie Bolted, running towards anywhere but here as she sought her escape from a human who's sole goal seemed to be putting an end to her.
MEANWHILE IN PONYVILLE MARKET DISTRICT.........................
As the assault made it's way through town, many a human found themselves indulging in the age old wartime tradition of looting, pillaging, and r.......oh wait, no just those two things, nevermind that last one.
Among them, were Ahab, Lamond and Francis, who, after curb stomping one of the poor guards who thought to surrender, had their sights on what looked like a extravagant business establishment, evident by what looked like a monetary value sign accompanied by a chest with the words that said, "Filthy Rich Brand General Store", although none could actually read it due to the alphabetical differences.
"Yo, guys." Francis started off by saying. "What are the odds that this place has a stable economy?"
"Pretty high considering their civilization seems more structured than ours." Lamond replied.
"So would say things such as private business ventures would exist in such as stable economy?" Francis suggested.
"That would seem very likely. Thriving economic growth usually leads to more private business outlets."
"And if we humans are here to stay, we'll need a way stay financially stable as we compete with whatever other countries or species for monetary gains. Make our own private business outlets."
"Yeah, that sounds accurate. We'll need economic foundation if we're to survive in this new world." Ahab added.
"And that building over there just so happens to look as if it wants to sell certain luxuries. If so, it would need to have a hefty amount of monetary value on hand, right?" Francis assumed.
"That makes sense, I wonder what were to happen if three well-trained heavily armed individuals were to, exchange, whose hands said monetary value belongs too?"
The three men looked at one another, expressions that practically indicated that they all had the same idea.
"Let's rob it!" Francis cackled.
TEN MINUTES LATER.................
Within ten minutes, Lamond, Francis, and Ahab ran out of the establishment, laughing and cheering as they just made bank on robbing Filthy's store of everything that held monetary value. Each man had a cartoonishly large sack of Bits, jewels, and gold slung over their shoulder.
"We're fucking rich!!!" Lamond exclaimed.
"And that was just one store!" Ahab added.
"What are we gonna do with all the money though?" Francis asked.
"Yeah! What should we spend it on!?" Lamond eagerly inquired.
"I'm gonna invest in a genetics company!" Ahab stated. "That way I can bring back dinosaurs to create my own dino army to take over the world!"
"That's stupid!" Francis mocked. "Let's spend the money on bitches, booze, and guns and start a career in doing this!"
"I gonna buy a fuck-ton of crack with my money!" Lamond announced.
"FRANCIS VANHART, AHAB AL-KINDI, AND LUCAS LAMOND!!!!" a shrill voice shouted.
The three men turned around to see Sarah standing a few feet behind them with a sheer look of disapproval.
"Did you three just rob that place!?" Sarah asked.
"No." Francis lied.
Sarah's expression didn't change.
"I cannot BELIEVE you all stooped to looting..." She went on to say.
Lamond, Ahab, and Francis all looked down in feelings of guilt in shame, though it would be short lived.
"WITHOUT ME!" she wined.
Suddenly their guilt was replaced with a sense of newfound appreciation for her their Sergeant. Sarah proceeded to pull on the charging handle to her M4A1.
"C'mon boys. I saw a bank nearby and Momma needs to make a withdrawal!"
MEANWHILE AT TWILIGHT'S CASTLE................................................................
The scene was what all three princesses feared. All across Ponyville was just one big battlefield that was clearly favoring the humans. All around her castle, the horde of human soldiers did everything in their power to break down the large bubble shield Twilight had conjured to defend her castle. Even with Celestia and Luna, along with every other Unicorn guard and towns pony that sought refuge within her home aiding in the effort of maintaining it, it still a challenging task. Fluttershy and Rarity managed to run back to the castle in time, both cradling one another as the sound of heavy gins battered against their last remaining defense
Tanks fired shell after shell at the shield, unloading everything they had at it. Infantry used rockets, grenades, and whatever other explosives they had on hand to bring it down. The sheer strain of such an assault along with the concentration of keeping it up pressed those magical adept ponies to their limits. The three princesses stood on the castle balcony overlooking the scene of madness, each one strained to their limits.
"I can't............keep....................it...............up!" Twilight said breathlessly.
"We..............must.................for...............every.....pony's...................safety!" Celestia replied.
"It.....................won't..............hold............much...........longer!" Luna cried.
It was at this moment Andrew had caught up where the majority of his men had converged. Seeing they had effectively started a siege, he smiled cheekily.
"Nothing like a siege and the smell of fire and brimstone to make victory taste so much sweeter." Andrew smirked.
Andrew picked up a nearby megaphone and began to announce orders to stand down. The soldiers complied, and upon noticing that their enemy had ceased attacking, the princesses took a moment to gain back what little strength they could, and looked to see who had ordered the humans to stand down. Peering over the balcony the sight of a mob of heavily armed human soldiers was there to greet them, with armored behemoths and flying death machines nearby. Andrew noticed them the minute they came into view.
"*Ah, good, I have your attention.*" He said over the static boom of the megaphone. "*Greetings! You must be the folks in charge! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Commander Sawyer, head of the Militia. So listen, you guys may have noticed that you've kicked the hornet's nest here, and while you may want to try and resist our assault, it's probably in your best interest if you go and surrender now.*"
Twilight, Celestia, and Luna all had looks of reluctance on their faces, but ultimately went through with his demands. Each cast a voice amplifier spell, so that terms could be worked out.
"What are the conditions of the surrender?" Celestia asked.
"*Unconditional.*" Andrew said with a smile.
That one word and the implications tied to it sent unease spiraling through all three of the Alicorns. They had staunch reasoning to refuse, as so many things weren't guaranteed.
"I can't do that I'm afraid." Celestia informed her. "There must be certain assurances!"
Andrew, surprised that they'd be this ballsy in face of overwhelming odds, decided to humor them.
"*Pray tell, what assurances do you seek?*"
"First and foremost, our subjects safety and the complete ceasing of hostilities!" Luna shouted harshly.
"*Ahaha! One more slight outburst from Bluey McMoonbutt there and we crucify you!*" Andrew snarled.
Andrew's threat was met with resounding cheers and small fits of guns going off in the air by his troops. Celestia quickly placed a hoof in front of her sister, her face alone beaming with an alarmed desire for Luna to step back and let her do the talking.
"*But I suppose that's a reasonable request. And we'd be happy to oblige, hell we'll even release the prisoners we took.*"
"Wait what?!" Twilight exclaimed. "You took prisoners!?"
"*Da!*" Viktor replied as he suddenly appeared handling the megaphone Andrew was just using.
"Where did you come from?" Celestia asked.
"*Not important.*" Viktor replied. "*Just know that 103 pony souls currently reside within the confines of our newly set up....eh........detainment center.*
Viktor gestured in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. Turning to see what he was pointing to, there jaws dropped when they saw the newly erected 14th century gulag--complete with icy tundra setting--that had been erected where Applejack's home had been.
"When the hell did you build that, Vik?" Andrew asked.
"About five minutes ago." Viktor replied. "Isn't it blyatiful? And to think, it only cost sixty lives and a small famine to complete! Here, let of my builders add her input on its construction!"
Still connected to an iron collar was Rainbow Dash, though she was no longer the same mare. Her mane had been cut down to a buzz, her body looked severely malnourished, bags formed under her skiddish and shaken eyes as they stared out into space. She was garbed in a dirty, patched excuse for a winter coat that covered the rugged, torn up, beige jumpsuit she wore underneath, the numbers 000020 printed across the chest area. Twilight saw her friend and found herself struck with horror for what they did to her. She would have derided and cursed the humans on the spot, were the threat of immediate death not looming overhead.
"*Prisoner 000020, tell your leaders how your treatment has been so far.*" Viktor ordered.
Vik lowered the megaphone down to Rainbow Dash. Almost instinctively, Rainbow donned a smile so fake you could practically call it Chinese knock-off worthy.
"*My time spent under human detainment has brought to my attention the values of the hard working class and how by contributing to their collective effort, it leads to a better, safer, and more equal society!*" Rainbow claimed profusely with a slight twitch in her eye. "*My labor efforts along with those of my fellow comrades builds strength towards the revolution which will forge a society free of hardship and class divide!*"
Viktor pulled the megaphone away and handed it to Andrew, a smile across his voice.
"Very good, prisoner 000020! Here." Vik said tossing her a scrap of bread.
As Rainbow spared no second in scrambling to devour every last bit of the measly amount of food she was given, Andrew went on to discuss further details on the surrender.
"*So we've come to an agreement, all your citizens will be left unharmed and those taken captive will be returned. Now. Onto what you'll be doing.*" Andrew smirked, letting out a small chuckle.
The three princesses couldn't help but feel nervous after that statement, as all three whimpered a little bit.
"*Now if you'd be so kind as to lower your shield and we can-*"
"NOT SO FAST!!!" boomed an irate voice.
Everyone turned to the tree closest to the castle to see Achmed standing among it's branches, his vision fixated on the blue alicorn princess on the balcony.
"Sabbag!?" Andrew called out. "What are you doing up there!?"
With one swift action, Achmed strapped himself into a exosuit jetpack (Essentially just think of that jetpack from Killzone 3 for a reference), and returned Andrew's query.
"REVENGE!!!" He shouted.
Like a bird of prey ready to pounce upon its prey, he took off at incredible speed! Once he was airborne he began to descend down on the balcony. He began to fire a long burst of rounds from the suit's built in MG3, shots pounding against the barrier at 1200 rounds a minute! The assault was quick, so quick that the princesses had little time to react as the shield began to crack like an egg. Cutting off power to the jetpack's thrusters, Achmed plummeted down towards the weak spot in the shield, shattering it upon impact and effectively bypassing the princesses only defenses.
"OH BUCK!!!" Princess Luna screamed.
He quickly reignited the thrusters and began to quickly close the distance between him and Luna. Another stream of tracer rounds fired forth from his MG3, but the rounds scattered around the princesses as they quickly retreated inside, closing the doors with a magical seal behind them to prevent their pursuer from making chase.
"That should hold him for now." Luna panted. "Right?"
Celestia would have concurred, but before she could, she heard the strange sound of what could best be described as a motor on steroids. Suddenly the door began to glow bright yellow and dispersed into fading embers of magical energy. The blade to Achmed's chainsaw bayonet came bursting through the door they thought secured, sending sawdust, shards of crystal, and wood chips flying in all directions as Sabbag cut a hole large enough for his face to be visible. He withdrew his blade, and pressed his face through the hole, resulting in the princesses screaming in abject terror as they saw the absolutely nerve-racking look of pure insanity across his face.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S ACHMED!!!!!"
The princesses wasted no time in gaining a head start, as only a few seconds passed by the time Achmed kicked the door down into several pieces. Purely bolting, the three alicorns turned a corner only to collide at full speed with Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie, ending in all six of them falling to the ground. They were quick to recuperate, and to avoid any wasted time they could spend fleeing their pursuer, offered the quickest explanation they could.
"HE'S AFTER US!!!" all six shouted.
somewhat confused, and even a little amazed by how all six of them said the same thing, they sought to elaborate.
"Who in heaven's is chasing you!" Rarity wailed. "Aren't you supposed to be keeping the shield up?!"
"It's Achmed! Tim's friend! HE'S TRYING TO KILL US!" Luna shouted.
"Who's chasing you!" Twilight asked.
At that the moment, a far off scream could be heard echoing down the hall, followed by the sound of a shovel being scraped across a hard surface.
"The.....s...sh..sh...sh...sh..sh-shovel man!!!" Pinkie stammered loudly.
The sound of a chainsaw revving up followed by maniacal laughter clued everypony in that they were about to be caught in a pincer by two pursuing killers.
"We need to run!" Celestia urged. "NOW!!!"
But it was too late. Too much time had been wasted. Achmed immediately jumped at the group from around the corning with a gravity hammer. Slamming it down on the ground he sent everypony launching towards the walls. Harris soon came into view from the other corner, closing in on Pinkie Pie at a slow and inefficient pace. As Pinkie Pie recovered, she found herself being pulled off of the ground by her tail. Upside and four feet off the ground, she found herself eye to eye with Harris as a pit in her stomach grew to enormous size.
"You want to know what tango down means?" Harris asked.
Pinkie didn't answer, purely out of fear.
"It means when I've killed an enemy, they stay dead."
He brought Pinkie face-to-face with him.
"So when I say tango down. TANGO. STAYS. DOWN!!!
Luna lied on the ground just a few feet away from where Pinkie Pie proceeded to everything in her power to resist being shoveled into oblivion, disoriented from just being sent flying towards a wall, did her best to recollect her vision. Upon doing so, she found herself staring directly at a pair of combat boots. With a petrified gaze, she reluctantly worked her eyes up, only to see the large shape of Achmed towering over her, the most livid, grim, irate, "I'm ready to fucking murder you right now" face she had ever seen.
"VENGEANCE!!!!!" Achmed screamed at the top of his lungs.
"NO PLEASE!!!" She begged. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!!!"
Achmed responded with a cackling fit of maniacal laughter.
"FINALLY" Achmed cried out. "I have you right where I want you! And now, it's time to answer for what you did!"
"Please! I beg you!" Luna pleaded through her tears. "I never wanted any of this to happen! I had no idea magic was lethal to your kind! Please don't kill me!"
"It's too late for mercy!" Achmed hissed, pointing the Elite energy sword directly in her face. "You took someone dear to me! NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE SOMETHING DEAR FROM YOU!!!"
"My life?!?" Luna cried.
"Of a sorts." Achmed sneered.
Achmed pulled out a large black rectangle object, along with two game controllers. Suddenly Luna recognized it, and felt her heart skip a beat as she realized what would be taken from her.
"NO!!!" She pleaded. "NOT MY PS4 PRO!!!"
"That's right! I know all about your little gaming obsession, and I also know how much time you've spent working through those chalice dungeons in Bloodborne. I say it's time to hit the reset button!!!"
With extreme prejudice, Achmed fired his Spartan Laser at point blank range into the 300 gold bit console and both 60 bit controllers, effectively disintegrating them into a pile of burning plastic. Luna watched in horror, unable to stifle her shrieks as hours upon hours of grinding were rendered into a flaming pulp.
"MY STAT ALIGNMENT! MY K/D! MY MOONLIGHT GREATSWORD!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY DOWNLOADABLE COPY OF P.T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Luna screamed at a sorrowful pitch.
"Are you freaking serious!?" Twilight yelled out. "You chased us like a wild animal in the name of revenge, and you destroy Luna's stupid video game machine?"
"Oh Luna's PS4 isn't the only thing I plan to render into a pyre." Achmed smirked, gesturing to a conveniently placed stack of the remaining books Twilight had in her possession after the portal had destroyed her library.
"NO DON-"
It was too late, as Achmed already torched the pile of knowledge with his flamethrower.
"YOU MONSTER!!!!!!" Twilight cried out in despair.
Achmed then turned to Celestia, he seemed somewhat unamused by the stupidity of the current situation.
"So Celestia." Achmed addressed her with curled lips. "I hear you have quite the sweet tooth!"
Almost as if logic had fallen victim to homicide, a large pile of sweets--most of which happened to be Celestia's favorites-- suddenly appeared behind Achmed as he took a step backwards, almost fondling his USAS-12 with frag rounds. Unfortunately, Celestia wasn't an idiot and pointed a very glaring fact out to him.
"Uh, go ahead and destroy them. I'm pretty certain I can always have more baked for me." Celestia said.
Achmed's malefic look suddenly vanished, realizing she had a point.
"Dammit. I didn't think about that." Achmed pouted.
"Okay, that's enough Achmed. Take five!" Andrew said walking up the hallway with Viktor, Bradford, and a platoon of soldiers following behind him. "Harris, you too."
Harris, who was still struggling to murder Pinkie Pie, ceased his actions upon receiving the new orders.
MEANWHILE IN TWILIGHT'S CUTIE MAP ROOM....................................
Celestia, Luna, and Twilight sat across from Andrew, who currently sat stretched out with his boots on the cutie map table. Each of them, sunken in posture and feeling the soul-crushing defeat as they watched Bradford write out the terms to the official surrender document, which they would no doubt all be signing by the end of this. Feelings of failure and fear plagued their minds as the last bits were written down.
"Okay, I think that about wraps things up." Bradford--still in his power armor--announced before reading over the official surrender doctrine. "Upon signature, Princess Luna, Princess Twilight, and Princess Celestia will formally order all forces, both military and civilian, under their power cease hostilities against any and all human beings, and will submit both the principalities of Ponyville and Canterlot under Survivor occupation. Their majesties will officially be recognized as hostages of war, and will be subject to release upon payment of the 1,000,000 bit ransom. Official communications will be maintained by whomever leads in your absence, one Princess Cadence by your accounts, to discuss negotiations on the ultimatum pertaining to your release. You, along with any remaining military personnel, will be granted rights as Prisoners of War under Survivor Code 321. In return, Militia forces are to halt their advance into Equestrian territory. This is subject to change should the government leading in your absence provoke our forces. Militia forces have also been ordered to cease all hostilities against the local population unless provoked on a case by case basis. Upon ransom payment and your release, Equestria is to pay up to 500,000 bits in reparations and will engage in a 10-year trade treaty with mankind. Henceforth, any and all territory annexed by the Survivors is to be officially recognized as The Holy Human Empire, by both the remainder of Equestria and internationally. Do you agree to these terms?"
Celestia looked to each of her counterparts, and let out a sigh.
"We do." Celestia agreed.
"Each of you sign on the bottom line, please."
Bradford handed them the document, and each proceeded to place their formal signature upon the document, and handed it back to Bradford. Upon looking it over, Bradford looked to Andrew and Viktor, and the room erupted in cheer.
"THIS CALLS FOR CELEBRATION!" Andrew Announced.
Celestia had an annoyed glare on her face as she was forced to watch the humans celebrate their victory in an erratic and chaotic manner. They were all in a rumpus, wrecking shit, driving small vehicles in doughnuts, dancing to Hardbass, and drinking what seemed to be an endless stream of alcohol. Celestia was unable to leave as she, along with Twilight and Luna in utter and abject terror, were tied to the castle's support beam, forced to endure the destructive display of what followed their defeat. At that moment, both Viktor and Andrew slid next to Celestia with the biggest shit-eating grins on their faces.
"Hey, why the long face, Sunbutt!" Andrew teased.
"Yeah, we're just horsing around!" Viktor added.
"I hate you all." Celestia uttered.
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8832816
It's out.
s18.postimg.org/3s9b5ls0p/EEA61_BCA-_B5_F8-4_D62-_A6_B4-22_A038_DE6870.jpg
This chapter...it’s blyatiful. Lack of Rush B but it’ll do.
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Best parts right here.
Military fics do have a tendency to throw around jargon and overly elaborate descriptions of hardware, don't they?
8833041
YES! xd
What did he have a time bubble on hand?
This is the funniest thing I have read in 2018.
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8833409
8833957
I'm glad I was able to make y'all laugh!
8835039
I dunno. Maybe.
This feels like a full fledged Anon fanfic. Hell the personalities would be perfect for it
1000/10 would read again
8836275
Now I'm just imagining an army of anons rampaging across Equestria.
This was kinda awesome, but mostly HAILARIUS!!! ...dont think I spelled that right, oh well! Lol
I can't wait for when the real war starts, thou also kinda dreading it.
Only this story man, only this story giving me mixed feelings. Xp
Hey dude! I see you've been adding this story to story groups to promote it. GOOD FOR YOU! xd
Hope it brings in more fans!
8844448
Here's Hoping.
8848885
What?
kwality continent
This is about the point I was expecting him to order a Krabby Patty.
Am disappoint, Son.
8888204
I thought it was Koala titty*?
https://youtu.be/_NmdbWbIQ3E
Now this is just too priceless
THIS CHAPTER WENT FULL ON WARHAMER 40K IMMPURIUM OF MANKIND THIS IS..... NO, FOR THE EMPEROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was a top tier shit post I couldn’t stop laughing at the gulag scene nice art at the end finally I don’t know why but I keep thinking about senator Steven Armstrong becoming the leader of the coalition
Harris is the incarnation of
img.ifunny.co/images/c9daa22808716f19da69a148ccc18066ce9639e90b2aa17a7145c2c98058ceba_1.jpg
I fucking love this man hope your still out there.
harris is literally a robot😂