• Member Since 14th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Monday

TheUltimateBrony-Class-S


A high-school student whom has been getting ideas for fanfictions for FIMfiction.net

T

This is a one-shot, not for a competition, just something that got itself into my head and wouldn't leave.
...Oh!
And this is also a Displaced Story, even if it is a one-shot.


WARNING:
There are spoilers for My Little Pony: The Movie ahead.
There are spoilers for Fire Emblem Fates ahead.


A woman who was sent to Equestria, by a being unknown to all of them, and became much more powerful than she had once been. When she was discovered, not everypony accepted her, but the Mane 6 tried their best to show them that she isn't a bad pony - or in her case a human. During a celebration, they, as well as herself, learned that she had a beautiful, yet powerful singing voice. What she also learned, but kept from the others, is that if she sang with her power, she is also harmed in order to use this power. After being in Equestria for almost a year, she had seen so many things, and had gained so many friends, some she even considered family and they felt the same way. This made her give up trying to go back to Earth - her Earth - and begin a true life here. However, it all went sideways when the Storm King arrived, the guards didn't stand a chance against the opposing army and Celestia, Luna, and Cadence were all imprisoned in crystal, while Twilight had been captured. Azura knew what to do to stop this once and for all, she just hoped her friends would forgive her for leaving them...

... by making the ultimate sacrifice.


DISCLAIMER:
I do NOT own MLP, that is owned by Hasbro.
I do NOT own Fire Emblem, that is owned by Nintendo.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 23 )

*frowns deeply* A real shame its a oneshot, you don't see many Fire Emblem Displaced.

that was good.

I haven't even played or watched anything related to Fire Emblem (aside from Smash) but wow was this sad.

It could do with some more polishing. The Author's Note in parenthesis mid-story - which frankly could have been handled in the author's note you included at the top of the story, instead delivering it with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer - broke the immersion for me.

Writing the backstory for this Displaced - your protagonist - in the description in such a detailed manner is also broadly considered fanfic faux pas.

On another, similar note (badumtiss), there was at least once instance in which Azura's dialogue was punctuated in a manner that came across as rushed, both having me personally envisioning the delivery as written in-universe and as written (and allegedly proofread) by the author and their associate. I speak of the example below.

"I am Azura," the figure announced, "and I am a friend to these ponies, the ponies you have hurt, I ask for a one-on-one battle, a duel.

Finally, the description of Azura's attire felt similarly rushed and lacking in subtlety. It read more like the laundry list of the world's vaguest cosplayer than an actual character being introduced to the metaphorical screen. The only way you could have made it worse is if you hadn't gone the route of "single stilted sentence confined to an orphaned paragraph" and instead said "like the cover image of this story." You may think I'm being a bit harsh in my criticism there, but I'm sad to say that I've actually seen that before in a Displaced fic.

My personal advice is to find a way to work the details almost as if you're eating a meal - in small bites, at a comfortable pace that lets one process and savor the flavors, but not too long lest the meal grow cold. Also, I suggest working in some other senses. What sounds does she make as she walks, and which ones are as a result of her clothing? Does her staff thunk into the ground in time with her steps, adding a rhythm to her stride, or does she hold it free of the ground?

It is ultimately your story. I can only offer my opinions and thoughts, for you to do with as you will.

8874950
0.0' ...
Wow, I have never gotten this much critic before... :twilightsmile:
Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

8874955

I must say, the fact that you are so open to criticism is a fantastic sign of potential. While constructive criticism is meant to help you recognize the good and bad in your writing, the best advice I can give is to keep at it, continue to be open to suggestions, but do not let yourself by ruled by them. They can let you know what you may have missed in your own editing process, and what may or may not make sense, but this doesn't mean that they're perfect. The greatest teacher of any art is experience, by continuing to write even if what you write doesn't seem 'perfect.' No first draft is, and the second draft will likely have its own issues as well. Just remember to keep having fun with it, and worry about editing it all after you've finished the first draft (as you'll spin your wheels if you worry about 'perfection').

I look forwards to your growth as a writer. ^_^

While your one-shot could benefit from editorial work due to some minor snags in the typing, plus descriptions at times - it still manages to evoke feelings within the reader, with the song serving as a backdrop and signaler of what is going on. For that alone it deserves the fav and thumbs-up despite the flaws.

The fanfic intro could use a complete rewrite, though - as it spoils the contents and can potentially drive readers away.

I'll PM you a copy of the message a fellow user who knows his stuff told me back then about story blurbs, so you can profit from it as this story does deserve some love.

May this criticism find you in good health.

8875097
I thank you for the criticism, and I will take to heart like I do all of them and will use them whenever and wherever I can.

8875107
My recommendation? Try snaggin' a good proofreader if you can't get hold of an actual editor.

The input is usually worth learning, too. :yay:

This was pretty great.

9441668
Thanks! This is my first attempt at a one-shot.

That was a very good read. I appreciate you writing it. :pinkiesad2:

9453889
I'm happy that you enjoyed it, as I have said before, it was my first attempt at a one-shot. :twilightsmile:

One well earned thumbs up.

The Monk
“On her doorstep was Twilight Sparkle. While Derpy deeply respected the mare, like most in Ponyville, they wished she'd either switch to decaf, or start hitting the harder stuff.” -Dan_s Comments

9454493
Maybe it's time to bring her back a sequel maybe Discord brings her back because he misses the chaos that she brings for all we know that she's destined for something because she was brought to this world a sequel please

10302179
Perhaps... maybe even a prequel...?

Prequel dear god a prequel please!

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