• Member Since 18th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 6th, 2023


Get off my lawn.


Sometimes you really need a nice, big, juicy piece of meat to eat. Unfortunately, every creature around you has eyes larger than their heads and are friend shaped.

No animals were harmed in the making of this story, much to his dismay.

A goofy idea I spent an hour writing. Please enjoy.

Audiobook Version now available - Done by yours truly.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 68 )

You can't stop here, you have to write more author!:fluttercry:

I feel this is how most people that love meat end up in Equestria would do, like how do you go from eating cow every week to never again instantly? The worst cold turkey ever!

I haven't eaten anything but chicken and turkey since I got a meat allergy from a cross reaction to lone-star tick bites.

If I eat beef or anything like that, I break out in gigantic hives and it feels like my internal organs are trying to implode into a singularity, ripping my abdominal muscles inward as they do.

Excruciating pain you can't escape from works very well at breaking habits, I've learned!

Soooooo, anybody need to stop smoking? I got the most super-effective method! :pinkiecrazy:

Please this can't just end it like that! I badly NEED MORE!!! :fluttercry:

This is an amazing story. I have never seen an author ever actually explore a human's diet besides the human just suddenly becoming vegetarian. So it's nice to read a story where it delves into this topic. 8/10 would love to see more!

Chicken and Fish should be good still.

This works as a one-shot, but wouldn’t a follow up with Sparkler be fun to read, with the language barrier and all?

Well, he could attempt fishing... it is technically meat

I am definitely seeing a lot of people wanting to see more of this fic. Which is actually really surprising to me. I wrote it as a refresher between the chapters i’m working on for my other fic on this site. Just from a silly idea I had while eating a salami sandwich.

I don’t have any current plans to work on this story any further than this, but given the surprising amount of positive feedback i’ve gotten from this, i’m more than happy to leave the door open to adding a bonus chapter. If I were to explore it and find something fun to add in the future. At the moment however? I don’t have anything in the works.

I still appreciate that a ton of people liked this dumb fic idea I had. Thank you for taking the time to engage with it.

This story is so funny, while simultaneously being so tragic. I love it, great piece of work!

(I heard of plan’s saying you consider to continue? I support them, do you plan to go with a sequel or simply add a chapter?)

I think it's a brilliant fiction with best idea.

Is it a gun? It's a gun, isn't it? Nothing says 'stop smoking' like someone constantly threatening to smack you with a gun.

How many people thought I said 'shoot' before they looked at the hidden word?

I thought this fic was great and would love a sequel or extra chapter

Came here to give it a look. Turns out that it was a pretty good story. I do hope that there’s more to come (even though the author said they had no plans for it).

Welp, a like and into the follow bin this goes.

You wouldn't have bothered with a spoiler tag if it was the obvious thing. :twilightsmile:

Fluttershy's cottage is on the edge of the Everfree forest. It clearly needs a chapter where he stumbles on to it and tries to eat Elizabeak.

(And, of course, Fluttershy gives him some fish, since she does catch fish to feed to her animals...)

--Sweetie Belle

11626244 I was thinking more a household current hooked up to the groin which turns on every time you reach for a smoke.

But then I remembered some people are into that... :applejackconfused:

11626366 He can eat the Chimera! Nobody likes the conjoined trio cuz they tried to eat Applebloom!

He can probably also get away with eating Cozy Glow... :trollestia:

I think I am going to make myself a sandwich... with a nice piece of salami.

Too easily thwarted. There're at least a dozen ways around that. Just don't ask me to name them all.

He could work in a mortuary. With his Equestrian griffon colleagues.

You can't threaten someone with a gun. You can with an icepick. Or use it as a club. But a club is a better club. You trick wasnt too subtle, though i've learned that subtlety only causes confusion in a forum.

Don't give up the good fight, there's bound to be good meat somewhere.

Sad there's not going to be more, but I can still beg! PLEASE WRITE MORE AUTHOR!:applecry:

Oh god, this is amazing. Now I want this as a series XD
Thank you for the follow up!

Arrrgh. Allergies. Maybe crab instead?

Thanks for the follow up also so sad that the only meat that isn't cute he's allergic too

Everyone remember to like this story, so others can see how great it is.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with just shooting people. What is wrong is killing them when there's no justified reason.
So, don't shoot to kill. You can do far worse than kill them--you can let them live.
In regards to Alondro's use of the groin as a useful way to help with smoking cessation, however, you should reserve that target for last. Instead, when using a gun, you should start with the fingers. Kind of hard for someone to pick up a cigarette if they don't have something to pick them up with.... And starting with fingers, followed by the hands, you've got at least twelve chances until the lesson finally sinks in. Thereafter, if need be, you've got the toes and the feet (another twelve opportunities, there).
If that still doesn't work, then it's time to start becoming imaginative. And practice improving your aim, because it's really hard shooting someone's lips off without damaging other parts of their face.
But, as mentioned above, leave the groin for last.
Anything after the groin just won't hurt as bad.
Besides, if it ever goes that far, you might as well end them, since it would be mercy killing at that point.:trollestia:

Pretty good story keep it up

11626932 Alondro tilts his head curiously, "Mer-cy? What's that? Is it tasty? Is it crunchable?" :pinkiecrazy:

Comment posted by Alondro deleted Jul 2nd, 2023

This was a delight to read.

Can't even blame the MC. I'm also allergic to fish, and also don't really even like the taste. But if I'd gone three months without any meat, I'd definitely destroy a piece of grilled salmon.

And puke my guts out for the trouble.

All that suffering, all the pain, was it worth it?

And by god it was worth it.

Huh, guess it was:twilightsmile::rainbowlaugh:

Geez, that sounds like some serious meat addiction. Maybe he should just try to eat the Timberwolves? There`s bound to be some fleshy part in them, somewhere.

Well then...
At least he is satiated... for now.

Oh wow, you actually made another chapter!!
Bonza mate!

It fits the style of the first too, it’s not some OOC addon.

Now you need to keep writing or you will never hear the end of requests from your new fimfic followers.

very nicely done, you deserve all the accolades you are receiving for this.

Then that horse started screaming.

My eyes shot open, and there the horse was. Pleading for its life, struggling against the trap that ensnared it, and speaking. I couldn’t exactly understand what all the whinnies and horse noises meant, but they were formed in a way that clearly were making words. I locked eyes with the talking creature, and she continued to plead while looking at me with her giant, dark purple, adorable, fearful eyes.

Oh! I can just see poor Twilight begging for her life, and it simply breaks my heart...

I'm glad your protagonist was soft-hearted, even though he couldn't understand her.

If the horse leaves anything at my shelter tomorrow, I'll name her Sparkler. Oh, and I'm becoming a vegetarian.

The horror of Equus takes another soul.

What the horse brought to him the first day was food.

hidden hands he couldn’t see?

You changed tense accidentally.

Holy shit i’m glowing purple what is happening oh god please-

Capitalise I in i'm.

A few other little things, but that's enough nit picking.
I really like the story you've written and if you're able a several chapter story could come of it! If you need editing help I'm available and I look forward to what you write with this in the future.
You have the potential to do a lot with this, having given him several companions already and a way to communicate with ponies.

great story!!! my favourite pony is fluttershy! btwww I am vegan now, this is scary!!!

look at this cool picture I found, can you please right a fegan story about fluttershy and grimace, (dad says it was his birthdat ) thansskjkssss :flutterrage: 😁 👍 🐭

If the horse leaves anything at my shelter tomorrow, I'll name her Sparkler.

I know it's Twilight's name in the tags and face in the art, but the description of the horse in the story is pretty consistent with her being Sparkler (aka Amethyst Star) so I'm choosing to believe he guessed right.

This story was featured on Equestria Daily. Congratz!

Humans can live well for 2 years without meat right?

now i know what hell would be really like :pinkiecrazy:

Login or register to comment