• Published 1st Jul 2023
  • 5,625 Views, 68 Comments

A Meat Lover’s Agony - MrPip42



A guide on how to (not)eat meat in Equestria.

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BONUS: Sparkler Brings the Meat

Author's Note:

The top of Featured. More views than I have ever gotten before in a mere 3 hours, 200 bookshelves added, and more positive feedback than I know what to do with.

I genuinely did not expect any of it. This was just a fun little break between chapters for my longer fic. Thank you for checking out my dumb idea, and I hope it brightened your day a bit afterward.

I did see all the requests for more to the meat lover’s guilt trip adventures. At first, I did not plan on doing anymore, since I wanted to focus on my other story and didn’t have any ideas to add. However, with all of the requests and positive feedback, as well as hitting the top of Featured, I decided to write this as a thank you. There will be no more after this, but I appreciate you coming to check it out all the same. :twilightsmile:

If you enjoy my work, I have one other fic on the site you can check out, and I probably will do more one shots like this when the mood strikes me. Thank you again, and enjoy!

WARNING: Animals were harmed in the making of this bonus chapter.

Sparkler came to visit my bench shelter multiple times after I let her go, much to my disappointment. Reminder, Nutters, Beggar and Chomper were already constant memories of my lost meals, now I had a deformed horse with incredibly meaty and delicious looking legs coming by to chat each day. This forest is alive, I swear it. It knows the pain and guilt I feel and decided to punish me for it. Taunting me with delicious meals I just can’t eat!

What the horse brought him on the first day was food. She came after Reminder brought me a berry, Nutters brought me a nut, Beggar brought me an empty soda can, Chomper brought me an entire berry bush, roots included, and Bark brought me a piece of its wood to chew on. Bark didn’t part with that one willingly though. Its woody flesh was hardly a replacement for actual meat, but it made me feel like I was eating beef jerky. I’ll worry about the broken teeth later.

Sparkler’s offering was different, namely because it came on a proper plate. As well as a fork and napkin included. Wait, a fork? How do horses use forks? How do they carry plates without breaking them? Does Sparkler possess hidden hands that couldn’t be seen? Could you make fried fingers from them?… My grumbling stomach and toothache from the wooden bark told me to forget about such silly questions. There was a meal in front of me after all!

The meal was an apple salad, which, coming from a horse, made sense. I certainly wouldn’t complain about getting more of those apples. Whatever dressing they used for it was really good as well. A far cry better than the scavenged food I have been eating. The only problem was the flowers. They mixed actual flowers into the salad, and every so often I had to pull a flower off of my tongue. Daisies made into a salad by a deformed, bug eyed and incredibly adorable horse were still daisies and not at all tasty. Overall, I give it a 6.5/10, less flowers, maybe add some bacon into it. Would really add to the flavor and get me some nice and crispy meat to eat.

The weirder part of the whole meal was Sparkler’s observation of it. She watched me eat the salad and pick at the flowers while writing things down in a notepad. Which floated in front of her with purply glowy stuff around it. Guess that explains the forks.

Oh she also had a camera, spotlight, tape recorder, and some clicking device that spewed out paper but clearly wasn’t connected to anything. What Sparkler was doing, I had no idea, but food was food and until I could get a ribeye it was the best thing that happened to me these past three months. She spoke into the tape recorder in more of that horse language. Maybe I should have tried harder to understand what the whinnies and grunts meant, but after the fiftieth “hrububuluhuh” I decided that was a lost cause.

The next day, Sparkler was back again, another salad in hand… hoof, or maybe hands? The invisible chicken finger hands were still up for debate. We’ll say hoof until I can prove it. She hoofed over the salad, and stood closer to me as I ate this time. The whole time we talked, she tried to talk to me in horse talk. Here was a second try at learning a bit about their language, maybe a word or two that would help with communication. Instead I decided to have a bit of fun.

Whinny.

“You flatter me! I am the most handsome man alive, thank you for agreeing Sparkler.”

Huff, Huff, Whinny.

“Chomper did what to Beggar?! How dare he! I’ll have to talk to him about it next time he brings me a bush.”

Snort, Snort, Whinny, Groan

“Why yes I would love to have a horse flank steak, are you sharing?”

Groan…

After the meal was over, Sparkler left looking rather dejected. I, for one, enjoyed the company. It was delightful to have another intelligent being to talk to. These past three months made me think I've gone crazy or something, but Reminder reminded me that it was nothing to worry about. Reminder does give pretty great life advice sometimes. If only I could turn him into a stew.

The third day brought Sparkler back once again. At this point I think she may have a bit of a crush on me. During meal time she held up a book full of horse words that I couldn’t understand, and read something aloud from it. The words on the page somehow sounded more like horse nonsense than the words she spoke. A few moments later, Sparkler’s horn began to glow purply and sparkly. Two thoughts went through my mind then.

Man, I'm really good at picking names.

And

Holy shit I’m glowing purple what is happening oh god please-

The sparkle glow popped a moment later, and the horse tried talking to me again. More horse gibberish as she calmed me down and explained that she used a spell to help them communicate… Which made a lot of sense, if you ignored the fact that it was magic- Wait a minute.

Whatever sparkly shit Sparkler just did, it didn’t quite make horse talk make any sense, but it helped me understand the intent behind the gibberish. It just went into my head after she said anything. If only I had this when reading online internet messages. Sparkler was able to “say” that she wished to learn more about me, and promised food and assistance for allowing her to observe and study me.

This was the greatest revelation yet! A living, sapient miniature horse civilization was now within my grasp! Not to eat, my guilt would kill me, but to communicate with! Doors newly opened, I could live a better life than this. With a home and a garden and a Bark to feed salami too on my trusty bench. All I had to do was communicate with this horse, get it to be my liason to the local government leaders, gain approval as an ambassador to humanity, and live a life of luxury!

I could have a new life of adventure in this horse world! Find out I have magic powers of my own, maybe even find love with a dragon, if dragons existed. I did it once in a dnd game, might as well try it now.

The possibilities were endless, and all I had to do was ask! My first message to Sparkler was an important one. The stepping stone to my future in these foreign lands. If I chose correctly, my days would be brighter than ever! So I came to my decision, and spoke.

“I want the biggest, juiciest, fattest, tastiest piece of meat. Give me that, and you may study me!”

I have my priorities straight.

Sparkler flinched as the intent behind my words entered her mind. The hesitation she felt was apparent, and I swear I saw a hint of disgust. I took it on the chin. Judge me all you want, if I get the best meat this world has to offer because if it, then your disgust would be worth it!

Just please don’t give me those frightened eyes again, dear god my heart wouldn’t be able to take it.

Clearly, Sparkler was considering my offer. I was asking a herbivore, possibly pacifist horse to take a creature’s life and give me its flesh. That could be considered a blood sacrifice here for all I know. What I really wanted to know was if making a deal with a demon and sacrificing a goat was worth it to this horse.

Thankfully, it was! Newest cult member Sparkler nodded her head in agreement. The last message I was given from her was that she would bring the meal tomorrow. I could barely contain my excitement. Real meat! Meat that wasn’t alive and able to guilt trip me with ridiculous intelligent gazes. Meat that didn’t give you gifts and slept with you for warmth at night after you released them.(Chomper is a really good big spoon.)

I awaited the moment Sparkler would arrive with the vast amount of patience you found in a child left in a doctor’s office. Complete with constant whining, groans, and fiddling with every little thing around me. Except instead of magazines, that doctor’s office toy with the shapes, you know which one I'm talking about, and my mom’s hair, I had leaves, branches, and Nutters’ fuzzy wuzzy cheeks. Which were remarkably flexible, mind you.

Eventually, Nutters had enough with her cheeks being my stress ball and ran off. Thankfully, that was the moment I saw Sparkler approach my shelter. This time, she wasn’t alone. A light yellow deformed horse followed behind her, half of the horse’s face covered by a pink mane that reminded me of a strawberry ice cream cone with how it swirled around her face. This horse had a butt tattoo as well, but unlike Sparkler this one was of three butterflies. Between the color of her coat and the butt tattoo, I decided her name was Butters.

Butters regarded me with a shy demeanor in the first moment she saw me, but soon after looked up in awe. As if I was some rare mythical creature. I wasn’t the one with wings on her back!… Hold up, she did have wings! Two small wings were pressed against Butters’ back, and as far as I could tell, no horn stuck out of her big forehead. Either they could retract the horns, or this horse was an entirely different species!

It really made me wonder what horse chicken wings would taste like.

Before my mind could continue to imagine food that I would never eat, my nose picked up a smell. A wonderful smell I had not smelled since I started smelling in this forest of really bad smells. Freshly. Cooked. Meat. My mouth began to water, my eyes went wide, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. This was it, this was the meat!

Butters approached carefully, a gentle smile on her admittedly very adorable and not very edible face. Her wings spread and lowered themselves to reveal a glass plate that was resting on her back. I’d applaud the incredible balance she needed to carry that plate on her back, but the smell took over any other thought I had. I was a dog that just saw my owner pull out a treat. In God's name my tail would be wagging if I had one.

With her mouth(ew) she picked up the plate from her back and gently set it down in front of me. Sparkler with her sparkly glow magic then placed a napkin next to it, along with a fork and a butter knife. My eyes locked onto the most beautiful sight I had ever laid eyes upon.

A fish, salmon to be precise, grilled and laid out evenly upon the glass plate. Lightly seasoned with salt and pepper, and a spritz of lemon drizzled over the top. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes upon. To whatever gods above that damned me to this cartoony hellhole, I thank you for this day, and forgive you for all of your past transgressions against me. Thank you for making an intelligent, magical creature such as Sparkler be so stupid as to get caught in my trap. Thank you, for the best meal I will ever have in this life.

Butters and Sparkler smiled towards me, waiting patiently for me to finish my meal. A meal I wasted no time indulging. The first bite melted in my mouth, and I swear the music of the gods began to play. Each bite added an instrument to the growing symphony in my heart. It was beautiful, it was perfect, it was euphoric.

It was enough for me to forget my fish allergy.

Butters and Sparkler watched in horror, for as soon as the final bite of my salmon went down my throat, I promptly spilled my guts in front of them.

And by god it was worth it.

Comments ( 35 )

Sad there's not going to be more, but I can still beg! PLEASE WRITE MORE AUTHOR!:applecry:

Oh god, this is amazing. Now I want this as a series XD
Thank you for the follow up!

What a twist

Arrrgh. Allergies. Maybe crab instead?

Thanks for the follow up also so sad that the only meat that isn't cute he's allergic too

Everyone remember to like this story, so others can see how great it is.

11626244
11626384
Oh, there's nothing wrong with just shooting people. What is wrong is killing them when there's no justified reason.
So, don't shoot to kill. You can do far worse than kill them--you can let them live.
In regards to Alondro's use of the groin as a useful way to help with smoking cessation, however, you should reserve that target for last. Instead, when using a gun, you should start with the fingers. Kind of hard for someone to pick up a cigarette if they don't have something to pick them up with.... And starting with fingers, followed by the hands, you've got at least twelve chances until the lesson finally sinks in. Thereafter, if need be, you've got the toes and the feet (another twelve opportunities, there).
If that still doesn't work, then it's time to start becoming imaginative. And practice improving your aim, because it's really hard shooting someone's lips off without damaging other parts of their face.
But, as mentioned above, leave the groin for last.
Anything after the groin just won't hurt as bad.
Besides, if it ever goes that far, you might as well end them, since it would be mercy killing at that point.:trollestia:

Pretty good story keep it up

11626932 Alondro tilts his head curiously, "Mer-cy? What's that? Is it tasty? Is it crunchable?" :pinkiecrazy:

Comment posted by Alondro deleted Jul 2nd, 2023

This was a delight to read.

Can't even blame the MC. I'm also allergic to fish, and also don't really even like the taste. But if I'd gone three months without any meat, I'd definitely destroy a piece of grilled salmon.

And puke my guts out for the trouble.

All that suffering, all the pain, was it worth it?

And by god it was worth it.

Huh, guess it was:twilightsmile::rainbowlaugh:

Well then...
At least he is satiated... for now.

Oh wow, you actually made another chapter!!
Bonza mate!
:ajsmug::ajsmug:

It fits the style of the first too, it’s not some OOC addon.

Now you need to keep writing or you will never hear the end of requests from your new fimfic followers.
:rainbowlaugh:

very nicely done, you deserve all the accolades you are receiving for this.

What the horse brought to him the first day was food.

hidden hands he couldn’t see?

You changed tense accidentally.

Holy shit i’m glowing purple what is happening oh god please-

Capitalise I in i'm.

A few other little things, but that's enough nit picking.
I really like the story you've written and if you're able a several chapter story could come of it! If you need editing help I'm available and I look forward to what you write with this in the future.
You have the potential to do a lot with this, having given him several companions already and a way to communicate with ponies.

great story!!! my favourite pony is fluttershy! btwww I am vegan now, this is scary!!!

i.pinimg.com/originals/41/f1/af/41f1af778efc390d77cf48c5d348d10d.png
look at this cool picture I found, can you please right a fegan story about fluttershy and grimace, (dad says it was his birthdat ) thansskjkssss :flutterrage: 😁 👍 🐭

This story was featured on Equestria Daily. Congratz!

Humans can live well for 2 years without meat right?

11629413
Indefinitely, actually.

That MC ROFLMAO.

This is an update comment to let anyone checking out the story that there is now an audiobook version. Done by yours truly.

You can check out the Audiobook version here

Thanks again to everyone who has read. It’s been a blast since posting it.

Absolutely beautiful, the punchline absolutely made it.

It was enough for me to forget my fish allergy.

Yea, faith continues to be a d###! :rainbowlaugh:

11629696
If you include dairy and eggs, then yes. But I don't think he has easy access to those in the Everfree forest. But if you are talking about a vegan diet... well, that's debatable.

11630544
My online research said otherwise on that as well, but the topic is indeed vegetarian and not vegan. Also, it is eggs and/or milk. In the Everfree, it is whatever you decide to write. Some areas on Earth are surprisingly well-suited to foraging, others are not.

In the latter case you would likely starve even if you try to hunt, fishing would be more succesful.

Comment posted by DarkGred deleted Jul 6th, 2023

11630986
My dude, they've shown fluttershy feeding animals fish in the show

Oh. There actually was fish.

Uhhh… Would Cockatrice be a good replacement? Maybe actual Chickens?

It was enough for me to forget my fish allergy.

Truly a fate worse than death.

Can he still eat stuff like lobster or shrimp, though? That'll be at least somewhat of a consolation prize.

11703145
¿No es más cruel eso? Tenés que echarlos vivo al agua caliente para consumirlos.

11630618
Creo que la información está incompleta, te recuerdo que la falta de carne también puede causar anemia, lo que se puede contrarrestar con legumbres. Pero el ser humano es tan débil que cualquier cambio en su dieta debe estar supervisado por un doctor, doctor que no hay en Equestria.

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