• Published 1st Jul 2023
  • 5,648 Views, 68 Comments

A Meat Lover’s Agony - MrPip42

A guide on how to (not)eat meat in Equestria.

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A Meat Lover’s Agony.

Three months in a forest, alone, afraid, and fending for my life. The sun barely peeks out from the treetops, and every night brings with it a new terror to fend off. Everything from the violent weather, the deceitful plantlife, or the vicious creatures seemed out to get me. If there ever was a good description of hell, this forest would be it. No sane man would ever call this place his home, or venture into it willingly. I certainly didn’t.

There I was, sitting on a dog park bench after a long day’s work. I didn’t have a dog, but I did love watching dogs. The way they would run around and play in the park was oddly calming to me after the hard labor that fills most of my day. They danced and pranced around each other, lovingly played with their owners with balls or sticks or any other toy they could get their teeth on, and sometimes they would even come up to me and say hi. Those dogs were the ones that got pieces of my after work salami sandwich.

The best salami sandwich you’ll ever eat, mind you. Meat from the most run down deli you’ll find in the city. Given to you by an overweight man who barely spoke english but somehow could have deep philosophical discussions that left you questioning reality itself for three days straight. The only break from the unending thoughts were the delectable pieces of salami he would give you, between two pieces of white bread I bought at walmart. Hey, I didn’t say the bread was going to be fancy.

Now where was I? Ah, right, so there I was. Sitting at the dog park, eating my salami sandwich. I don’t exactly know when I dozed off while sitting on that bench, but I did fall asleep at some point. I remember dreaming about some weird kids show I saw my niece watching years ago, but the details were fuzzy. What was really odd was what I saw when my eyes opened.

It certainly wasn’t a dog park, I can tell you that. Most dog parks have lots of open grass with a spattering of trees for shade and variety. What I found myself sitting in after my nap was very much the opposite. Trees as dense as a rug surrounded me, and I could barely see the grass underneath the bush and brush that covered the ground. There was only a small space on the earth left bare, the spot where me and my bench sat.

Now I don’t consider myself a wildlife expert, but I did grow up as a boy scout and did plenty of wildlife expeditions. What I found myself sitting in was nothing like the forests I had camped in as a kid. It was dark, and damp, and oddly two dimensional when I looked at it in a certain way. A part of me thought I was actually in a jungle in the southern hemisphere. None of the flora or fauna was at all familiar, and there were clearly no signs of civilization in any which direction.

I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, not that I was in Kansas to begin with, it just felt fitting to say. The dog that stood in front of me didn’t seem very amused, though. Probably the only dog left from the dog park. It was an odd looking dog, larger than any other canine I had ever seen. It’s breath was absolutely rancid, like a bunch of moldy fungus went up my nose. It also had a pair of glowing greenish-yellow eyes, with leaves for angry eyebrows. Oh, and it was completely made of wood, I almost forgot that part.

Still, a dog came up to my bench, and I was never one to be picky. I pulled off a piece of the greatest salami sandwich of all time, and offered it to the wood dog. Call it a habit that made me do it. This dog looked angry, sure, but so did bulldogs and they were always the loveliest dogs to meet. I’m sure some nice salami will help cheer it up.

Apparently, the salami wasn’t enough, as it chomped on my entire extended hand instead.

Holy Salami!” I cried in pain and jumped up from my bench seat. My arm lifted quite easily despite the giant wood dog currently attached to it, it may be surprisingly light because it’s made out of a loose collection of twigs and leaves. That didn’t make the splinter it was giving my hand any better.

I did what any sane man would do when suddenly bit by a bundle of sticks shaped like a dog. I swung it around and screamed like a little girl. Each swing I made connected with a nearby tree, and I don’t think the wood dog was expecting to be picked up so easily. Within a few slams of the nearby tree trunks, the wooden animal was splinters. The firm grip of its jaw finally letting go when it too was hit against the tree.

The hand, thankfully, survived. The salami did not. The last piece of meat I ever ate.

From here, I could detail what life has been like for me for the past three months. How that wood dog(whom from hereon will be called Bark) repeatedly grew back together and chased me through this mess of a forest. How I had to use every instinct trained in me as a boy scout and a scared man to survive. But in these three months, I've actually learned quite well how to survive. At first it was frantic, but after I was able to build a small shelter and some basic traps, I was left alone from the greater dangers in the forest.

I learned what food I could gather that wasn’t poisonous, what places in my immediate area to avoid were. I created primitive tools to use, and fought against the beasts of the wild. Where once a regular 9-5 laborer sat on a bench, now a cold-blooded survivor of hell stood… I did bring that bench to my shelter though, it’s more comfortable than the dirt.

I found a way to survive, but in the process, I lost something important. It wasn’t the phone I accidentally dropped in the river, or my underpants(no explanation will be provided). What I lost was far worse, and even now haunts me.

I lost meat.

That salami sandwich, that beautiful, delectable, philosophical discussion ending salami sandwich. Even after so long I remember its taste on my tongue. The texture, the mouth feel, the flavor. Out of anything in this new world I woke up in, I desperately wanted to eat a piece of meat.

You may ask me ‘did you not set up hunting traps?’ Of course I did! One of the first things I did was set up a few small game traps, in hopes of catching a rabbit or squirrel. It would be tough and gamey over an open fire, but meat was meat and I wanted it bad.

Eventually, I did find a rabbit caught in one of my traps! Not killed, but tied up in a rope vine I made. I watched it struggle against the vine, desperately trying to break free. Until it heard me approach and looked in my direction.

This, this right here is what made this forest truly hell. It wasn’t the Barks, or that giant purple bear I once saw, it was this rabbit. This vulnerable, meek, pathetic rabbit, with the biggest eyes you could ever see on a creature like that. Its eyes were half of its damn head, and all of it was pointed at me with fear. Tears started forming around the edges, and I swear I saw it start to hyperventilate.

A rabbit trapped and frightened for its life was by far the most adorable thing I've ever seen, and I was about to kill and eat it. My mouth was salivating at the mere thought of the warm, juicy meat that laid just beneath that pelt of adorable, cuddly, terrified fur…

I cut the trap and let the rabbit run off. Hell had beaten me that day. In the process, I made a new friend who periodically visits my shelter to leave berries or snacks. Eventually, I named him Reminder, a reminder of my desperate wish for a big, juicy piece of meat.

Reminder wasn’t the last of the animals I succumbed to, unfortunately. My next trap caught a squirrel, who’s chattering noises and pleading gaze left me unable to plunge the knife. I got nuts left at my door after letting it go, I named her Nutters, because of the nuts. After Nutters was a raccoon. Why a raccoon was in a jungle forest like this, I had no idea, but it used its tiny hands to beg for mercy. There wasn’t even a chance of killing it after watching its little display. His name became Beggar, and now I got actual trash left in my shelter too.

No matter what I fought, or who I hunted, I couldn’t get myself to kill it. A gigantic lion monster with a scorpion tail attacked me one day, and if I had beaten it I could’ve had the most luxurious lion/bug meat in my life!… When my makeshift spear stabbed into the palm of its hand, however, the giant beast began to cry. Like a child who just got a boo boo. It rocked back and forth like a baby. I could have killed it and had meat for weeks, months even!

Chomper left a giant tree branch near my shelter the next day.

As I laid in my bench, with Nutters, Beggar, Reminder and Chomper all snuggled in with me, I decided that no matter what, I would find and kill my next capture. No matter what it was, no matter how small or adorable or cute or cuddly or lovable or- Aaagh! No matter what, I was getting to eat some meat!!

My newest traps were larger than the previous snares I had been using. With enough strength to catch a deer inside of it. I had seen what looked like a zebra a couple days ago and wanted to hunt it down, but it ran off before I could even think about it. It did, however, make me want to catch a deer. If there were any in this forest. They probably would have huge, adorable eyes that-

No! No! Don’t think about the eyes, only the meat. The sweet venison… it would soon be mine! I did my rounds around my territory, checking each trap that I had laid out. No luck on the first few. If that zebra was around, it was smart enough to avoid this area, and I hadn’t see any other creature like it. Now that I think about it, I did see some gold on that Zebra. Was it normal for wildlife to have jewelry?

Focus, don’t think about jewelry, only the meat! There was one more trap to check, and if I was lucky, it would have the perfect prize waiting for me! Don’t think about the eyes. Think about a t-bone, bacon and lamb. Chicken wings, rabbit stew, hamburgers, pork chops, salami! Venison…

…Horse meat.

Ding Ding Ding! Jackpot! Count my lucky stars, my last trap caught something! A creature that had plenty of meat on it was struggling against the vines that held it. With its eyes quickly scanning the- no, don’t look at the eyes! You found meat! Don’t let this cartoony hell forest take that from you, me!

The creature itself, ignoring the eyes, was some form of horse. A miniature horse maybe? With its body proportions shrunk and misshapen. It didn’t have hooves, rather its legs ended in soft stumps that vaguely looked like hooves. Its head also didn’t look like a horse. The face was smashed in and made into a dainty little snout, and its eyes- were nothing of note!

I seem to forget to mention the most important parts of a creature when I describe them. Just like the wooden part of the Bark. This mini-deformed horse, for example, was purple. A purple horse, or is that lavender? Magenta? I don’t know colors that well, we’ll just call it purple. Even its mane and tail were purple, with streaks of different purple mixed in. Like a fourteen year old’s first hair dye. A purple deformed horse thing was caught. It was about as weird as all the other creatures I've found in this place, so I decided to accept that it is just the way it is. If I denied it, I wouldn’t get any meat! Just accept that it's a horse with a weird sparkly tattoo on its butt and has a horn on the top of its head. Those aren’t important, that butt tattoo didn’t matter, but that juicy flank meat did!

I pulled out my knife and approached. If I wanted to get meat today, I had to do it fast. One quick slice before the horse had a chance to incapacitate me. There was no way this one would use its adorable eye trickery on me today! I even shut my eyes to make sure of it! Out of the bushes, and approaching the horse, I readied my knife to plunge into its neck. One quick movement, and everything I have ever wanted since landing here would be mine!

Then that horse started screaming.

My eyes shot open, and there the horse was. Pleading for its life, struggling against the trap that ensnared it, and speaking. I couldn’t exactly understand what all the whinnies and horse noises meant, but they were formed in a way that clearly were making words. I locked eyes with the talking creature, and she continued to plead while looking at me with her giant, dark purple, adorable, fearful eyes.

I punched myself in the face, starting the unicorn-horse thing. I’ve come this far and I won’t let those cursed eyes stop me! Horse meat was on the menu for tonight! Finish the job and everything I ever wanted would be mine! Just do it… kill it! Kill it! Kill the talking, pleading, scared, adorable, huggable, cuddly horse!

My knife swiped, and the horse shielded itself in terror, but the blade never connected with it. The vine that held it up gave way and dropped it to the ground. The horse scrambled to its feat and took a few fearful steps back away from me. I already gave up, and waited for it to leave. It seemed to recognize what I had just done for it. Galloping away into the dark forest, a moment later, I saw a bright flash of sparkly light in the direction the horse went.

If the horse leaves anything at my shelter tomorrow, I'll name her Sparkler. Oh, and I'm becoming a vegetarian.

Author's Note:

I’m gonna go eat my meat lover’s pizza now. Hope you enjoyed.