Cozy's Glowpinions

by Casketbase77

Broadcast #39 [written by Casketbase]

....

.................

Kssssssssshhh. Kssssssssssh...

Ha! The mic’s fine, I just was just messing with you guys.

Been awhile since the last broadcast, huh? Long enough to replace Sam and Ralph with just one new guard. Hi new guard! Welcome to your inaugural episode of Cozy's Glowpinions! Tell me, how're things back at the castle? Federal funds tanking from Twilight’s silly tax breaks? Relying on my talk show for Bits to repave the road behind me? Oh don't look at me like that; I hear you Canterlot bigwigs stepping in pothole puddles all hours of the day. And golly, the cussing I hear whenever you do! I should start a side hustle of selling the things ponies said when they thought nopony was around to listen. Or maybe sell my silence to the nobility who said them.

They’d know where to find me. I don’t travel much.

Either way, my mental bank of blackmail would bump up the Crown's funds, lickety split! Princess Twilight should totally chisel me out from this base and plop me behind the biggest desk in her treasury office!

I'm kidding, of course. Princess Twilight doesn't own a chisel. She owns other ponies who do stuff like that for her.

Hey. Hey now, New Guard. Lower that silly little stabby stick; you should know I can't feel pain.

Huh? Do my petrified unblinking eyes deceive me? Loyal listeners, on the tip of New Guard’s spear is a paper printed with an ad read! I just knew my guileless charisma and/or the Castle’s empty treasure vault would net my show some sponsors. And you know my endorsements are all completely trustworthy. Like Professor Applejack, I'm too naive to ever lie.

Speaking of whom, The Apple family farm is not one of today's sponsors. Darn shame. Maybe none of those bumpkins know how to write, since Professor AJ never wrote on the board in any of her two lectures I attended. Just relayed folksy anecdotes about a magic table that made her butt glow before sending her off to another continent so she could meet mute forest ponies who catch on fire when they’re mad.

Hey, don't return my blank stare with an even blanker one. Stories like that are why I think we’d be better off without magic. Still, if you want context, go pay the School of Friendship's tuition so you can sit in class and hear the story straight from the illiterate horse's mouth.

Easy with that spear jostling, New Guard. I'll get to the ad read, but Cozy's Glowpinions goes at my pace, not yours. Like back in the Summer Solstice ratings trap episode, when I spent the first ten minutes thinking entirely in Yakish. Ralph was fiddling so much with the mic knobs, afraid they were picking up the wrong frequency.

Hey, do my broadcasts actually reach Yakyakistan? Is there a chance someone there heard me reciting the entire transcript of School Raze Part 2 in their native tongue? That was unlicensed content, you goons! Hasbro's gonna come down on us all!

Oh, sorry. Bumped my little limestone noggin on the fourth wall there. And New Guard's spear is starting to tremble with either muscle fatigue or barley restrained frustration. This is the type of thrilling narrative ambiguity you tune in for, folks. Let's see who needs reccomendation from the Dowager Empress of Friendship.

Tempest and Scootaloo's Motivational Speaking Tour: Disabled, But Not Defeated. How 'bout that? Damaged goods carting themselves around to give seminars. Gimme me a shout-out, Scoots. One flightless Pegasus to another. And Tempest... trust me, magic is overrated. If I'd gotten my way, it wouldn't matter whether you had a horn or not.

I mean seriously, wasn't anypony even a little curious what Equestria would have looked like with Creative Mode turned off? I bet Earth Ponies would all become paranoid home defense preppers. And unicorns would be reduced to shack-dwelling beatniks living in the woods. Ooh, do you think the spell holding me, Chryssi, and Tirek together would wear off without magic? Guess we'll never know.

Another ad to read, courtesy of New Guard flipping the page. Thank you dearly for being such a good replacement for my arms. See, if I'd had more time to react while being fossilized, I would've put my forelegs somewhere other than my rosy baby cheeks. Maybe my nose, since it’s been itchy for the past six weeks, two days and nine hours. But hey, who's counting?

Speaking of counting, our second sponsor is Manehatten's number one outreach group: The Equestrian Dyslexia Awareness Society: Teaching neurologically disadvantaged foals the difference between Pony Boops and Bony Poops. Sniffing out the difference will save your butt. Gee willikers, I wonder what casket ba- I mean basket case came up with that slogan.

On the topic of public service announcements, anypony feel like I haven't been using my platform very responsibly? I'm not talking about the platform of granite I've been fused to, I mean this show. Cozy's Glowpinions. I owe you all some actual news, not just editorials. And since I can't exactly venture out to do any investigative journalism, how about a local traffic report?

I saw colt trip and eat shit in the Sculpture Gardens last week. Knocked out three teeth on the sidewalk.

It was prime entertainment, since he definitely deserved it. Loud obnoxious kids always get what's coming to them. Or does rule that only apply to me? Could just be that my heart's just been hardened. Sentiment turned into sediment. There's concrete evidence I'm made of tougher stuff than most ponies.

I like you, New Guard. You're even more of a stick in the mud than Sam was, the way you actually flinched when I cussed earlier. You probably thought I hadn't noticed, but I did.

And the spear lowers. Wow, only two sponsors for today? Must be saving the pest control ads for Chryssi and the sketchy muscle pill endorsements for Tirek. Then again, I'm not really sure if Chrys does anything but babble threats nowadays. And Tirek spent enough time in Tartarus to teach himself how to zone out for months at a time. Can you pass a message onto the Princess, New Guard? Tell her I know that the reason I get a mic and the others don’t is because I at least pretend like this therapy might someday affect me. I pretend that every moment of senseless immobility isn't a waking, maddening, Hell.

Got all that, New Guard? Probably, since I saw another flinch when I swore again. Golly, what's with all my unprofessionalism today? Could it be that this broadcast marks the tipping point where I've officially spent more of my existence as a statue than I have a living breathing filly? Huh motherbucker? Oh dear, that's a flinch Hat Trick. Toss your collective headwear at your radios, loyal listeners.

Hmm, hats. Apparel. That reminds me:

I’ve been thinking (I do that a lot, you know) that Cozy's Glowpinions should give out free merch to broaden our appeal and audience. How about coffee mugs with my feeble functionless face stamped on the front? Fill em with your favorite hot drink to pretend I'm burning in Tartarus! Or what about miniature snowglobes whose pellets are actual shavings from my tail? I was meaning to trim it anyway, before I hit rock bottom. Who wouldn't want a little piece of me prettying up on your mantle during Hearthswarming?

No one?

Spoilsports.

Ooh, here's a rare Breaking News segment of Cozy's Glowpinions: a newspaper just blew by and stuck to my face. Didn’t get to read it, since New Guard brushed it off with his state-issued sharp stick. But guess what picture I saw? New Guard himself getting given a helmet at Sam and Ralph’s retirement ceremony. And not only that, a few familiar friends are lining the red carpet looking on. An airheaded Hippogriff, a limp-wristed Changedling, an Earth Pony who couldn't be bothered to comb his mane...

Fillies and Gentlecolts, I believe the blue birdy boy sweating next to me is an old schoolmate. This is a reunion to crow about, Gallus! How come you chickened out of reminding me who you were? Hey, come back! Don't quack under pressure! I promise I’m a hoot to hang out with!

Oh phooey. Like poultry in motion, he's flown the coop. I'm left a lonely little jailbird, loyal listeners. No flight attendants whose feathers I can ruffle, and I don't know how much longer my mic's battery will last. Guess I should wrap this episode up, since I'm out of bird puns and it'd be awfully awful if I cut to dead air mid sentence. Frozen in your collective memories in the same pose you last saw me.

Awfully awful indeed.

Let's have an impromptu sweepstakes! How would you like to meet me, Cozetta Glasgow, in the (lack of) flesh? Then listen up, my little ponies. You know you can trust me because I’m one of you.

To win the sweepstakes, just get rid of Magic from this world. I came close to doing it all by myself. Maybe you'll get even closer.

And if you don't succeed, no worries. Your consolation prize will probably be an indefinite vacation here, with me in the Canterlot Sculpture Gardens. Plenty of empty pedestals 'round here.

But if you do succeed...

Then I promise to shake off the statue dust, show up at your house, and give my most dedicated fan a great big thanks. Personally.

I’m cracking up with anticipation. See you soon, sweepstakes participants. One way or another.

As for the rest of you, tune in next week for Cozy’s Glowpinion on Pony Life!

Buh bye!!

Comments

[Twilight_Shimmer]

I do believe shes going even more insane then before XD I do hope this sees more chapters as it could be fun!

[TheAncientPolitzanian]

Man, I honestly can't decide if I ought to laugh, cry, or brace for the flame war this fic's biting snark will inevitably spark. Maybe I'll just go with all three.

Kudos on publishing this, especially seeing as its first chapter was almost a year old!

[Str8aura]

11126194
sometimes it feels like the desire of a commenter to see a flame war start over the bare minimum definition of 'dark' humor that throws no punches is more powerful than an actual, deserved flame war

[the dobermans]

What a pottymouth!

Nicely done. Wonder what the Glowpinion would be on the G5 situation.

[TheAncientPolitzanian]

11126197
Oh geez, I'm actually really, really sorry I botched that. I genuinely didn't mean for that to come across as rude as it was. For the record, I don't want a flame war in the slightest; it just always feels inevitable whenever "Cozy in stone" comes into play, if that makes any sense. The cynical side of my fandom's never fully escaped the late-2019 fallout, I suppose.

Again, I'm so sorry I screwed that up so badly. I'll gladly edit/delete that comment if you'd prefer I did that.

[Casketbase77]

11126211

11126197

It's all good; we're friendly here. This story was meant to provide some cheap laughs via Cozy's blathering. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Str8aura]

11126211
No no, you're quite alright. I misjudged you and I appreciate your reply.

[TheAncientPolitzanian]

11126216
11126219
No worries; in hindsight, it was a woefully easy comment to misjudge. I was trying to come up with a cheap laugh of my own, and it wound up coming off as more of an antagonization than anything. I ought to be past that sort of lapse by now, and I reckon I deserved to be called out for it.

As for the story itself… I enjoyed it a lot! The forewarned profanities felt surprisingly and pleasantly befitting, and rest assured, I didn't find the laughs' self-proclaimed "cheapness" to be much a problem – if that was a problem in the first place, that is. "Some of the best things in life are free," as the old saying goes.
:P

Kudos, and as you were!

[Late_Night]

y'know
i personally headcanon that Discord's little addition to the stoning process was to make the stone anti-entropic
that is to say, non-decaying
meaning that shit's p e r m a n e n t
making wild child's threats all the more fangless

[Herald of Opera]

11126247
While my own headcanon is that Discord contributing to a stasis spell could only make it work worse and that they'll all break out the moment the plot requires it (in more canon-compliant stuff, as soon as we looked away).

[asdtroi8895]

So Twilight's idea of therapy is to let everyone, or whatever guard is watching her, get to see how Equestria is torturing a child. Very classy. Well written story, but my God, that poor filly...

[Twilight_Shimmer]

*looks at Cozy's statue* "I rather wonder what she'd have done had she suceeded in removing all magic, only for the sun and moon to stop moving, thus locking the planet into a single time of day or night,"

[duckmagee]

11126850
she be dead since the night side all plant life would have perished causing a mass extinction event of the entire planet

[Wild Stallion]

11126454
I mean she somehow managed to pull off the worst of both worlds.

On the one hoof Cozy Glow is not allowed to grow or develop in any meaningful way. One the other, Twilight is allowing her access to a fresh batch of suckers to manipulate over the airwaves.

But this isn't exactly new ground for crack fics. And while I am not much of a comedian myself, I do try to draw distinctions between a fic trying to be funny, and one trying to be smart.

Plus Casketbase77 is a good writer, who usually allows Cozy to give as good as she gets, and that keeps me invested in her characterization at the very least.

[AdmiralTigerclaw]

11126454
Nah, girl just needs a paddlin'.

"Talkin' outta turn... That's a paddlin."
"Tricking your friends into your schemes... That's a paddlin."
"Tryin' to drain magic from the world so you can rule over it as the empress of a burned out husk of a country... Oooo you bet that's a paddlin'."

[TheAncientPolitzanian]

11126454
Twilight could be trying to invoke a variation of the traditional "talking cure". By giving Cozy an avenue to vent her frustrations through, it's possible she could, to one extent or another, expunge some of her inner demons.

Granted, there could be an argument made regarding the therapy's actual effectiveness, but I have to think such discussion is beyond the scope of both me and the story itself. At the end of the day, this was just a fun excuse for the authors to provide some self-proclaimed "cheap laughs"; even so, I can't help but find it slightly unfair to trivialize Twilight's efforts here as "Let the world gawk at her." Maybe only slightly, mind you, but still.

[Cold in Gardez]

I like to imagine there is no microphone, no radio show, no listeners. Just Cozy Glow's mind latching onto a story to keep herself from going insane.

[Ellery Quinn]

I mean seriously, wasn't anypony even a little curious what Equestria would have looked like with Creative Mode turned off? I bet Earth Ponies would all become paranoid home defense preppers. And unicorns would be reduced to shack-dwelling beatniks living in the woods. Ooh, do you think the spell holding me, Chryssi, and Tirek together would wear off without magic? Guess we'll never know.

with g5, we probably will.

[AllenVth]

11126184
You beat me to it. I also think she's going more insane. I think she also realized this since she said the first episode she just cried and sob, but now she's fully into putting on a show because she find it fun.
But I think the petrification with the ability to talk is driving her to HELL.

[AllenVth]

I can't believe Gallus chickened out in not telling her it's him. He was either scared of communicating with her or was just uncomfortable with it.

[Herald of Opera]

11127144
Read that paragraph again. She was so specific about things we know happen in G5 that it practically qualifies as a fourth-wall break.

That said, there was presumably enough time between magic going away and G5 proper for her to die of old age.

[Uz Naimat]

Congratulations on hitting #1 on the Featured list!

[shadow wolf1573]

Nice

[RainbowDoubleDash]

11127048
I mean I don’t like to think that, but it’s also something I think is more than likely.

Not sure if it’s better or worse than the idea that Twilight actually is providing her with a mic and listening in on her in some way. Kind of a tomato/Roger Smith situation. What’s worse: torturous neglect, or torture that isn't recognized as such due to neglect?

[Uz Naimat]

11127748
You’re welcome.

Here is a full breakdown of my bookshelves. But if you want to describe Heartstrings in one word, it would be ‘poignant’.

[new55]

That was a good story.

[TheCommunistDog]

The journal following cozy glow's journey to insanity.........ehh.......journey to becoming EVEN MORE INSANE

[CasualReader]

One flightless Pegasus to another.

Cozy Glow can fly though? And I doubt being petrified counts as a disability.

[Fancy Fox]

Seems like time is passing by a little quicker than she thinks, either that or the guards were already close to retirement.

I wonder if she ages? Like mentally, I assume she’ll (IF she gets out of the stone) still be a filly when she gets de-petrified but will she mentally be an adult? Or does the lack of life experience from being petrified also stunt her maturity / mental age?

IS she already considered an adult mentally? She plotted the demise of… well not equestria but at least all magic so that warrants SOME mental maturity…

Hopefully she’ll take listener mail and ponder/answer these questions

(I love the idea behind this story! It’s neat and I’ll be reading the chapters as they come!)

[Herald of Opera]

11128472
She certainly can't fly at the moment this story takes place.

[Pogmin]

I know this is marked as complete, but I'd really love to see more!

[Ariel Schnee]

"Now ponies, you might be asking yourself 'Why is that filly so... so... so... mean? So cruel? So,,,,, inpony?' Well, the reason for that is... I wasn't born a pony. I was born a human. Yes. That's right! I'm human! 'Now how can that be?' you ask. Well it's simple. Back before that bitch Twilight opened the portal with those journals, back when it opened for only three days, I stepped through. I found my pony counterpart, hit her over the head, stuffed her through the mirror, took her place, and proceeded with my plan to take away this world's magic forever! 'Now why did that pony want to take away magic?' you ask. It's because... Humans don't have magic. I wanted to take away magic to level the playing field. Then, I would have led a team of mercenaries using human weapons to conquer this world. With magic, you ponies can stop us. Without magic, you ponies can be shot. With machine guns. And multiple times. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Conquering you would have been easy. But, no. That fucking bitch Twilight, damn her, stopped me. But, I'll get out of here. And when I do... I'll show you just what a human can do. Yes I will. E=mc2. I will find a way to make it happen. Oh what fun we will have then my dears. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

[Comma Typer]

There isn't much for me to say that hasn't been said, but still: nice comedy! It's surreal to read this, knowing that it's coming from a filly (a psychotic one at that, yet still), but you two manage to pull it off without making it seem out of character. In fact, I would imagine this is what Cozy Glow would be like if MLP:FiM were a PG-13 show (or, perhaps, Cozy Glow simply grew up the immature way and picked up quite the potty mouth during her time in prison).

In a meta way, the chapter-split between the authors makes the time between the two broadcasts seem quite lengthy. I can't really judge on writers' styles based on just a thousand words (and words written for "cheap laughs" at that), but str8aura's chaotic brand of comedy [especially with Cozy's weather report] for the 38th broadcast being followed up by Casketbase's saner, more level-headed take on Cozy's character [as level-headed as can be for a filly who's now leaning more on the fourth wall than last time] for the 39th... it seems like a natural progression, given her extremely dire circumstances and perhaps some hope that maybe she's on the way to recovery. Maybe. I'm not sure if I can say that 100% seriously given that it's a comedy, but still.

Anyway, thanks for the fic! It's been crazy.

[Saiyan Cartoon Champion]

Shame this story had to end so soon, but it was enjoyable while it lasted.

[Block]

I mean seriously, wasn't anypony even a little curious what Equestria would have looked like with Creative Mode turned off? I bet Earth Ponies would all become paranoid home defense preppers. And unicorns would be reduced to shack-dwelling beatniks living in the woods.

Smart G5 reference