...See the needy greedy me we bleed to feed so easily... idiocracy she breathes- Oh! The mic's on, is it? Well, thank you kindly, officer!
A hearty good morning to all of you beautiful listeners! This is your host, one Cozetta Glasgow, but you can call me Cozy! You're listening to the thoughts of my poisoned brain, magically broadcasted straight from Canterlot Gardens in the gleaming jewel of Equestria!
It brings me an overjoyed smile to report to you all that, yes, I am still trapped in granite! Gosh, imagine how big my smile will be when I get out!
With me today are my two best friends in the whole world, Prince Tirek and Queen Chrysalis! I love you both so much. You're like the mom and dad I had but was biologically incapable of caring for!
Ooh, nevermind. I suppose I can't love you.
As I stand here, frozen in terror and the eternal cold permeating my soul from the stone prison I rest in, I can't help but wonder, how do I tick? Has little old me got stone organs and entrails too? Are they still flesh? Am I completely filled up with rock, or completely hollow? Why not come find out for me! Come on down to Canterlot Gardens, bring a hammer and your kids, make a day out of it!
That bitch Celestia knows it needs the funding to stay open so they don't have to sell us to MoMA.
Oh, golly gee, you're so right, Officer Sam! I'll be sure to watch my mouth in the future!
Say, have any of you ever been properly introduced to my caretakers, Officers Sam and Ralph? Why not come on the air, say hi!
Aw, that's a shame. Don't worry, though! When I get out, you'll be the first one to take my place, and I'll give you a show allllll to yourself! Why, I might even lock you underground, so you don't have children bothering you all day and spilling ice cream on you!
Ah, children. Who doesn't love them? The face of our next generation! I was a child once, you know. Is Twilight's school still open? For all she's become, I've got to thank her for making me who I am today. If I hadn't heard her messages to the school body, heard her teachings, learnt just how powerful friendship is, why, I might not even be petrified today, and then which little girl would serenade you each weekday afternoon with fear and loathing?
I often wonder why this was set up for me. I've been told a great many reasons, but they've never quite added up for me! Therapy? With who, my frozen camaraderie? Spreading ideals? Of a country I despise with every fiber of my being, and can't even force me to speak what they want?
Oh, that's a crying shame, Sam. But, keep this in mind; What are you going to do to stop me?
I'll keep that in mind. In the meantime, your shift should be over soon! Gosh, I hate to say goodbye so quickly, but it's hardly befitting of a big and strong guard of your position to spend so many hours watching a motionless statue and cleaning pigeon droppings off it!
Oh, hi Ralph! Right on time, as always! I've sure had a lot of time to memorize your schedules, after all! One of my finest time passing ideas, right after deciding to name the individual leaves on the tree in my peripheral vision!
Yeah, and feel free to take some time off, suck each other in the bathroom...
Oh, don't worry Sam, I know that was broadcast over the air! I simply don't have the energy to care! Hey, that rhymed! Buh Bye!
Say, I wonder, are my old pals from the School of Friendship listening to these? All these episodes, and I never thought once to ask!
Ah, you were the best friends a girl could ask for! Ocellus, you were always willing to help me with whatever concept I couldn't understand, like 'compassion'! Sandbar, you were so fun to hang out with back in the day! Yona, only a big bone breaking hug from you could warm my heart right now!
Smolder, if you had just stayed off my case, none of this would have happened. Don't visit me. Rot in Tartarus.
Silverstream, when I was with you I laughed more than I ever had in my life!
And who could forget the greatest guidance counselor of all time? Starlight, you pulled me through thick and thin, out of the deepest recesses of my mind. I feel like you were the only one who ever truly understood me.
Which is why it made me so sad when Chryssi didn't slaughter you. What an honorable death, for someone as great as you!
And now, the weather.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Whew, almost five minutes! I hope I terrified your dogs and woke up your babies! What power a thought has, without the need to breathe!
And now, for some fan mail! Golly, you sure have some things to say to me! Whew, can't say that shit on air! Yep, gotcha Ralph.
Aww, I guess nobody really has nice things to say to me. Ralph, has anything new been scrawled on me while you two were slacking yesterday?
Kilroy was here! Well, dear Kilroy, if you're listening to this, please accept my compliments on your name! Not too befitting for a cutie pie like me of course, but I can certainly recognize a desire to be imposing and intimidating!
LS+DD? Aww, immature love. May you two lovebirds truly have a beautiful shotgun wedding. And may I say, I am truly honoured that you chose the corpses of two dictators and a child to declare your love on!
Speaking of which, why don't my best buds get any love? Is it because they're too adult for a PG audience? Because it's easier for the masses to draw psychological parallels between themselves and a tortured child than two 'monstrous' creatures society has simply labelled as evil with no analysis of the issues prevalent in our world that made them that way?
Gosh, and I thought we were just starting to accept Changelings! Guess old oppressions die hard.
Any ads to read today, Ralph? Aw, they'll come around. I could sell so many DVDs with my cute face and winning charm. Not to mention my pretty locks! Well, I'll just do the same one again.
Canterlot Gardens! Come on down to the gates of tartarus, where we don't just stop at freezing prisoners to their waists! Give them an excuse to finally take me off the air by seeing all of history's worst villains, caught in their last moments for hundreds of years! I may even give you a shoutout if I like your hair, or you write something funny on Tirek's butt!
Rear. Sorry, Ralph.
How many listeners do we have, Ralph? How much money do we make without ads? You remember my first episode, which was filled entirely by my sobs and crying? Why did you keep the mic on?
Your team is such a doozy, Ralph! Maybe there is no finance to be gained from this. Do you just like torturing me? Is that it?
Because, by gosh, it isn't working! I have you to thank for staying sane. Every weekday, I imagine all the bright and happy faces who might be listening in, and I think over how I might break them apart like my old action figures. How would I start? Ooh, eyes first! Arms and legs, they'd just get in the way. Pull apart the heart? Nah, too quick, save it for the end. The brain, or what remains? maybe just before the heart. That could be nice and slow. I could have a lot of fun with a squirming tongue maybe, Then make the ears disappear, score some extra hit points by dissecting the other joints left, tear a hoof through each cheek and grab a legful of teeth, and dispose of their cute little noses! Wouldn't that be fun, Ralph?
Ah, but my time's almost up, I can see my dear buddy tapping me with his spear. As I look out upon another glorious Equestrian afternoon, I've just got one more message for all of my lovely fans. Are you listening? Bring your kids in too, I'm great with them. Here it is!
I will escape. There's nothing you can do to save yourself.
The lion is behind glass now, but your every tap and bang on the barrier between us weakens it.
I'll escape this hell, even if it means outliving the entire pony race. And if that happens, you know what I'll do?
I'll find Grogar's bell, and absorb the magical essence of the entire world, until I have enough to bring all of you back to life.
And I'll play with you until the end of time. Trapped, cold, pathetic, under the Empress of Friendship. I'll laugh, and you'll come to me each day, begging for the death you've been torn from.
And I'll laugh even harder.
Sweet dreams, Equestria. Hope you enjoyed our time together.
....
.................
Kssssssssshhh. Kssssssssssh...
Ha! The mic’s fine, I just was just messing with you guys.
Been awhile since the last broadcast, huh? Long enough to replace Sam and Ralph with just one new guard. Hi new guard! Welcome to your inaugural episode of Cozy's Glowpinions! Tell me, how're things back at the castle? Federal funds tanking from Twilight’s silly tax breaks? Relying on my talk show for Bits to repave the road behind me? Oh don't look at me like that; I hear you Canterlot bigwigs stepping in pothole puddles all hours of the day. And golly, the cussing I hear whenever you do! I should start a side hustle of selling the things ponies said when they thought nopony was around to listen. Or maybe sell my silence to the nobility who said them.
They’d know where to find me. I don’t travel much.
Either way, my mental bank of blackmail would bump up the Crown's funds, lickety split! Princess Twilight should totally chisel me out from this base and plop me behind the biggest desk in her treasury office!
I'm kidding, of course. Princess Twilight doesn't own a chisel. She owns other ponies who do stuff like that for her.
Hey. Hey now, New Guard. Lower that silly little stabby stick; you should know I can't feel pain.
Huh? Do my petrified unblinking eyes deceive me? Loyal listeners, on the tip of New Guard’s spear is a paper printed with an ad read! I just knew my guileless charisma and/or the Castle’s empty treasure vault would net my show some sponsors. And you know my endorsements are all completely trustworthy. Like Professor Applejack, I'm too naive to ever lie.
Speaking of whom, The Apple family farm is not one of today's sponsors. Darn shame. Maybe none of those bumpkins know how to write, since Professor AJ never wrote on the board in any of her two lectures I attended. Just relayed folksy anecdotes about a magic table that made her butt glow before sending her off to another continent so she could meet mute forest ponies who catch on fire when they’re mad.
Hey, don't return my blank stare with an even blanker one. Stories like that are why I think we’d be better off without magic. Still, if you want context, go pay the School of Friendship's tuition so you can sit in class and hear the story straight from the illiterate horse's mouth.
Easy with that spear jostling, New Guard. I'll get to the ad read, but Cozy's Glowpinions goes at my pace, not yours. Like back in the Summer Solstice ratings trap episode, when I spent the first ten minutes thinking entirely in Yakish. Ralph was fiddling so much with the mic knobs, afraid they were picking up the wrong frequency.
Hey, do my broadcasts actually reach Yakyakistan? Is there a chance someone there heard me reciting the entire transcript of School Raze Part 2 in their native tongue? That was unlicensed content, you goons! Hasbro's gonna come down on us all!
Oh, sorry. Bumped my little limestone noggin on the fourth wall there. And New Guard's spear is starting to tremble with either muscle fatigue or barley restrained frustration. This is the type of thrilling narrative ambiguity you tune in for, folks. Let's see who needs reccomendation from the Dowager Empress of Friendship.
Tempest and Scootaloo's Motivational Speaking Tour: Disabled, But Not Defeated. How 'bout that? Damaged goods carting themselves around to give seminars. Gimme me a shout-out, Scoots. One flightless Pegasus to another. And Tempest... trust me, magic is overrated. If I'd gotten my way, it wouldn't matter whether you had a horn or not.
I mean seriously, wasn't anypony even a little curious what Equestria would have looked like with Creative Mode turned off? I bet Earth Ponies would all become paranoid home defense preppers. And unicorns would be reduced to shack-dwelling beatniks living in the woods. Ooh, do you think the spell holding me, Chryssi, and Tirek together would wear off without magic? Guess we'll never know.
Another ad to read, courtesy of New Guard flipping the page. Thank you dearly for being such a good replacement for my arms. See, if I'd had more time to react while being fossilized, I would've put my forelegs somewhere other than my rosy baby cheeks. Maybe my nose, since it’s been itchy for the past six weeks, two days and nine hours. But hey, who's counting?
Speaking of counting, our second sponsor is Manehatten's number one outreach group: The Equestrian Dyslexia Awareness Society: Teaching neurologically disadvantaged foals the difference between Pony Boops and Bony Poops. Sniffing out the difference will save your butt. Gee willikers, I wonder what casket ba- I mean basket case came up with that slogan.
On the topic of public service announcements, anypony feel like I haven't been using my platform very responsibly? I'm not talking about the platform of granite I've been fused to, I mean this show. Cozy's Glowpinions. I owe you all some actual news, not just editorials. And since I can't exactly venture out to do any investigative journalism, how about a local traffic report?
I saw colt trip and eat shit in the Sculpture Gardens last week. Knocked out three teeth on the sidewalk.
It was prime entertainment, since he definitely deserved it. Loud obnoxious kids always get what's coming to them. Or does rule that only apply to me? Could just be that my heart's just been hardened. Sentiment turned into sediment. There's concrete evidence I'm made of tougher stuff than most ponies.
I like you, New Guard. You're even more of a stick in the mud than Sam was, the way you actually flinched when I cussed earlier. You probably thought I hadn't noticed, but I did.
And the spear lowers. Wow, only two sponsors for today? Must be saving the pest control ads for Chryssi and the sketchy muscle pill endorsements for Tirek. Then again, I'm not really sure if Chrys does anything but babble threats nowadays. And Tirek spent enough time in Tartarus to teach himself how to zone out for months at a time. Can you pass a message onto the Princess, New Guard? Tell her I know that the reason I get a mic and the others don’t is because I at least pretend like this therapy might someday affect me. I pretend that every moment of senseless immobility isn't a waking, maddening, Hell.
Got all that, New Guard? Probably, since I saw another flinch when I swore again. Golly, what's with all my unprofessionalism today? Could it be that this broadcast marks the tipping point where I've officially spent more of my existence as a statue than I have a living breathing filly? Huh motherbucker? Oh dear, that's a flinch Hat Trick. Toss your collective headwear at your radios, loyal listeners.
Hmm, hats. Apparel. That reminds me:
I’ve been thinking (I do that a lot, you know) that Cozy's Glowpinions should give out free merch to broaden our appeal and audience. How about coffee mugs with my feeble functionless face stamped on the front? Fill em with your favorite hot drink to pretend I'm burning in Tartarus! Or what about miniature snowglobes whose pellets are actual shavings from my tail? I was meaning to trim it anyway, before I hit rock bottom. Who wouldn't want a little piece of me prettying up on your mantle during Hearthswarming?
No one?
Spoilsports.
Ooh, here's a rare Breaking News segment of Cozy's Glowpinions: a newspaper just blew by and stuck to my face. Didn’t get to read it, since New Guard brushed it off with his state-issued sharp stick. But guess what picture I saw? New Guard himself getting given a helmet at Sam and Ralph’s retirement ceremony. And not only that, a few familiar friends are lining the red carpet looking on. An airheaded Hippogriff, a limp-wristed Changedling, an Earth Pony who couldn't be bothered to comb his mane...
Fillies and Gentlecolts, I believe the blue birdy boy sweating next to me is an old schoolmate. This is a reunion to crow about, Gallus! How come you chickened out of reminding me who you were? Hey, come back! Don't quack under pressure! I promise I’m a hoot to hang out with!
Oh phooey. Like poultry in motion, he's flown the coop. I'm left a lonely little jailbird, loyal listeners. No flight attendants whose feathers I can ruffle, and I don't know how much longer my mic's battery will last. Guess I should wrap this episode up, since I'm out of bird puns and it'd be awfully awful if I cut to dead air mid sentence. Frozen in your collective memories in the same pose you last saw me.
Awfully awful indeed.
Let's have an impromptu sweepstakes! How would you like to meet me, Cozetta Glasgow, in the (lack of) flesh? Then listen up, my little ponies. You know you can trust me because I’m one of you.
To win the sweepstakes, just get rid of Magic from this world. I came close to doing it all by myself. Maybe you'll get even closer.
And if you don't succeed, no worries. Your consolation prize will probably be an indefinite vacation here, with me in the Canterlot Sculpture Gardens. Plenty of empty pedestals 'round here.
But if you do succeed...
Then I promise to shake off the statue dust, show up at your house, and give my most dedicated fan a great big thanks. Personally.
I’m cracking up with anticipation. See you soon, sweepstakes participants. One way or another.
As for the rest of you, tune in next week for Cozy’s Glowpinion on Pony Life!
Buh bye!!
