//------------------------------// // Broadcast #39 [written by Casketbase] // Story: Cozy's Glowpinions // by Casketbase77 //------------------------------// .... ................. Kssssssssshhh. Kssssssssssh... Ha! The mic’s fine, I just was just messing with you guys. Been awhile since the last broadcast, huh? Long enough to replace Sam and Ralph with just one new guard. Hi new guard! Welcome to your inaugural episode of Cozy's Glowpinions! Tell me, how're things back at the castle? Federal funds tanking from Twilight’s silly tax breaks? Relying on my talk show for Bits to repave the road behind me? Oh don't look at me like that; I hear you Canterlot bigwigs stepping in pothole puddles all hours of the day. And golly, the cussing I hear whenever you do! I should start a side hustle of selling the things ponies said when they thought nopony was around to listen. Or maybe sell my silence to the nobility who said them. They’d know where to find me. I don’t travel much. Either way, my mental bank of blackmail would bump up the Crown's funds, lickety split! Princess Twilight should totally chisel me out from this base and plop me behind the biggest desk in her treasury office! I'm kidding, of course. Princess Twilight doesn't own a chisel. She owns other ponies who do stuff like that for her. Hey. Hey now, New Guard. Lower that silly little stabby stick; you should know I can't feel pain. Huh? Do my petrified unblinking eyes deceive me? Loyal listeners, on the tip of New Guard’s spear is a paper printed with an ad read! I just knew my guileless charisma and/or the Castle’s empty treasure vault would net my show some sponsors. And you know my endorsements are all completely trustworthy. Like Professor Applejack, I'm too naive to ever lie. Speaking of whom, The Apple family farm is not one of today's sponsors. Darn shame. Maybe none of those bumpkins know how to write, since Professor AJ never wrote on the board in any of her two lectures I attended. Just relayed folksy anecdotes about a magic table that made her butt glow before sending her off to another continent so she could meet mute forest ponies who catch on fire when they’re mad. Hey, don't return my blank stare with an even blanker one. Stories like that are why I think we’d be better off without magic. Still, if you want context, go pay the School of Friendship's tuition so you can sit in class and hear the story straight from the illiterate horse's mouth. Easy with that spear jostling, New Guard. I'll get to the ad read, but Cozy's Glowpinions goes at my pace, not yours. Like back in the Summer Solstice ratings trap episode, when I spent the first ten minutes thinking entirely in Yakish. Ralph was fiddling so much with the mic knobs, afraid they were picking up the wrong frequency. Hey, do my broadcasts actually reach Yakyakistan? Is there a chance someone there heard me reciting the entire transcript of School Raze Part 2 in their native tongue? That was unlicensed content, you goons! Hasbro's gonna come down on us all! Oh, sorry. Bumped my little limestone noggin on the fourth wall there. And New Guard's spear is starting to tremble with either muscle fatigue or barley restrained frustration. This is the type of thrilling narrative ambiguity you tune in for, folks. Let's see who needs reccomendation from the Dowager Empress of Friendship. Tempest and Scootaloo's Motivational Speaking Tour: Disabled, But Not Defeated. How 'bout that? Damaged goods carting themselves around to give seminars. Gimme me a shout-out, Scoots. One flightless Pegasus to another. And Tempest... trust me, magic is overrated. If I'd gotten my way, it wouldn't matter whether you had a horn or not. I mean seriously, wasn't anypony even a little curious what Equestria would have looked like with Creative Mode turned off? I bet Earth Ponies would all become paranoid home defense preppers. And unicorns would be reduced to shack-dwelling beatniks living in the woods. Ooh, do you think the spell holding me, Chryssi, and Tirek together would wear off without magic? Guess we'll never know. Another ad to read, courtesy of New Guard flipping the page. Thank you dearly for being such a good replacement for my arms. See, if I'd had more time to react while being fossilized, I would've put my forelegs somewhere other than my rosy baby cheeks. Maybe my nose, since it’s been itchy for the past six weeks, two days and nine hours. But hey, who's counting? Speaking of counting, our second sponsor is Manehatten's number one outreach group: The Equestrian Dyslexia Awareness Society: Teaching neurologically disadvantaged foals the difference between Pony Boops and Bony Poops. Sniffing out the difference will save your butt. Gee willikers, I wonder what casket ba- I mean basket case came up with that slogan. On the topic of public service announcements, anypony feel like I haven't been using my platform very responsibly? I'm not talking about the platform of granite I've been fused to, I mean this show. Cozy's Glowpinions. I owe you all some actual news, not just editorials. And since I can't exactly venture out to do any investigative journalism, how about a local traffic report? I saw colt trip and eat shit in the Sculpture Gardens last week. Knocked out three teeth on the sidewalk. It was prime entertainment, since he definitely deserved it. Loud obnoxious kids always get what's coming to them. Or does rule that only apply to me? Could just be that my heart's just been hardened. Sentiment turned into sediment. There's concrete evidence I'm made of tougher stuff than most ponies. I like you, New Guard. You're even more of a stick in the mud than Sam was, the way you actually flinched when I cussed earlier. You probably thought I hadn't noticed, but I did. And the spear lowers. Wow, only two sponsors for today? Must be saving the pest control ads for Chryssi and the sketchy muscle pill endorsements for Tirek. Then again, I'm not really sure if Chrys does anything but babble threats nowadays. And Tirek spent enough time in Tartarus to teach himself how to zone out for months at a time. Can you pass a message onto the Princess, New Guard? Tell her I know that the reason I get a mic and the others don’t is because I at least pretend like this therapy might someday affect me. I pretend that every moment of senseless immobility isn't a waking, maddening, Hell. Got all that, New Guard? Probably, since I saw another flinch when I swore again. Golly, what's with all my unprofessionalism today? Could it be that this broadcast marks the tipping point where I've officially spent more of my existence as a statue than I have a living breathing filly? Huh motherbucker? Oh dear, that's a flinch Hat Trick. Toss your collective headwear at your radios, loyal listeners. Hmm, hats. Apparel. That reminds me: I’ve been thinking (I do that a lot, you know) that Cozy's Glowpinions should give out free merch to broaden our appeal and audience. How about coffee mugs with my feeble functionless face stamped on the front? Fill em with your favorite hot drink to pretend I'm burning in Tartarus! Or what about miniature snowglobes whose pellets are actual shavings from my tail? I was meaning to trim it anyway, before I hit rock bottom. Who wouldn't want a little piece of me prettying up on your mantle during Hearthswarming? No one? Spoilsports. Ooh, here's a rare Breaking News segment of Cozy's Glowpinions: a newspaper just blew by and stuck to my face. Didn’t get to read it, since New Guard brushed it off with his state-issued sharp stick. But guess what picture I saw? New Guard himself getting given a helmet at Sam and Ralph’s retirement ceremony. And not only that, a few familiar friends are lining the red carpet looking on. An airheaded Hippogriff, a limp-wristed Changedling, an Earth Pony who couldn't be bothered to comb his mane... Fillies and Gentlecolts, I believe the blue birdy boy sweating next to me is an old schoolmate. This is a reunion to crow about, Gallus! How come you chickened out of reminding me who you were? Hey, come back! Don't quack under pressure! I promise I’m a hoot to hang out with! Oh phooey. Like poultry in motion, he's flown the coop. I'm left a lonely little jailbird, loyal listeners. No flight attendants whose feathers I can ruffle, and I don't know how much longer my mic's battery will last. Guess I should wrap this episode up, since I'm out of bird puns and it'd be awfully awful if I cut to dead air mid sentence. Frozen in your collective memories in the same pose you last saw me. Awfully awful indeed. Let's have an impromptu sweepstakes! How would you like to meet me, Cozetta Glasgow, in the (lack of) flesh? Then listen up, my little ponies. You know you can trust me because I’m one of you. To win the sweepstakes, just get rid of Magic from this world. I came close to doing it all by myself. Maybe you'll get even closer. And if you don't succeed, no worries. Your consolation prize will probably be an indefinite vacation here, with me in the Canterlot Sculpture Gardens. Plenty of empty pedestals 'round here. But if you do succeed... Then I promise to shake off the statue dust, show up at your house, and give my most dedicated fan a great big thanks. Personally. I’m cracking up with anticipation. See you soon, sweepstakes participants. One way or another. As for the rest of you, tune in next week for Cozy’s Glowpinion on Pony Life! Buh bye!!