• Member Since 25th May, 2016
  • offline last seen 36 minutes ago

garatheauthor


An unapologetic gryphophile, though i pretend to write about other stuff too.- Ko-Fi/Patreon

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coco pommel is Rarity's submissive. Twilight Sparkle is Sunset's. What happens when both their doms leave to attend a conference in Manehattan?

A whole weekend of hanging out, having casual sex, and learning more about one another than either could possibly imagine.

Oh, and maybe the blossoming of a fresh branch on the polycule.


Fourth Story of the Equestria Girls: University Series.

Proofread by Cynewulf, the mama wolf who picks me up when I fall down. Also Undome Tinwe, what more can I honestly say about him, he's the best.

Cover Art was done by iojknmiojknm, so many thanks to him for letting me use it.


A few things to note:
1) There is some funky capitalization in this fic which seems to go against proper English. It's intentional.
2) Chapter 3 references an abusive relationship (though there is no depiction of abuse or the abuser).

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 46 )

Ooh, looking forward to am exploration of how Do/s dynamics affects relationships outside the bedroom.

Also I think I need someone to Dom me into having a reasonable sleep schedule. Not like anything else is working.

10048739
You mean Undome you lololo

But seriously off and on for the past half year I’ve been using generic super cheap off the shelf sleeping pills from Rite Aid or whatever your pharmacy of choice is, and they really do work pretty well, besides taking about 90 minutes to kick in, the only thing to be aware of is that if you’ve been taking them for more than a few days and then you stop then you won’t sleep very well but you can also use that to your advantage if you like need to wake up super early just don’t take the pills that night and you’ll feel less tired waking up than you normally would have.

Also see if you can get your hands on some ADHD meds, they really help me fully wake up and get going in the morning.

I don't feel like there's anything unhealthy about staying up and waking up late, as long as you're getting a good amount of sleep.

Is this??? Is this actual polyam representation????? I'm sure as hell going to be keeping an eye on this, not least because the cuteness of the characters involved :3

10059286
i'm always happy to scratch a niche. If you're looking for more content like this i also wrote A Simple Question, which is a poly get together story.

Interesting premise, tracking. At first I thought the capitalization was a typo, then I realized the implication - consider my curiosity piqued.

“I said, do you need to use the washroom before I shower?”

Merry Canada

Hrm.

Cold cuts.

Movie.

Two bottoms.

That’s sounds like a good night to me.

Do all the stories in the Equestria Girls: University Series only have female on female sex in them?

10073976
So far though i may include male characters in the future.

coco waved her hand and snorted. “No, because i’m trans. Alcohol and HRT don’t go well together.”

Twilight mentally facepalmed. She probably should’ve known that.

I probably should've known that.

“Is it still that really gay musical?”

“Yes, but we made it gayer. The new director is enby and they added a whole bunch of new stuff to it. It’s practically a brand-new show.”

oh my gosh garaa jfldashfgiukres

it's RENT isn't it.

coco waved her hand and snorted. “No, because i’m trans. Alcohol and HRT don’t go well together.”

I just read this line... Yeah I'm going to die is on HRT and still drinks

I don't exactly understand why is all of coco not capitalized?

10075922
Sips Beer

Everything in moderation is fine. Just know your tolerance is lower and kidney's more fragile.

10075939
In certain Dom/sub dynamics, the submissive adopts a kind of position where they don't capitalize their names/pronouns/titles because it helps them feel lesser than their dom. i sometimes include it within my writing.

10076264
I also notice my tolerance is lower for nicotine :v

And I'm not sure how much I like the non-capitalizing thing, but it does sound interesting

coco didn’t even make it to the final act.

And even if she had, she probably would've been distracted by the giant space fetus.

But yeah, discipline is incredibly helpful in terms of an enjoyable day-to-day life, whether it comes from yourself or an outside authority. Also, this story is supercute thus far.

Man, this is a really good slow-burn romance. I honestly wasn't expecting it from a sequel to Play Party, but this is just, excellent romance, and in a very non-traditional setup too. I'm really enjoying it.

This story is absolutely adorable.

10073976

The guys don't have much characterization in anything MLP-related, and frankly we tend to like our lesbian ponies and pony-adjacent humanizations. Most people demanding straight sex around these parts tend to be people trying to self-insert through the male perspective (or the rare female trying to self-insert through a straight female perspective?) rather than enjoying the story as a story, and usually get pretty assholish about it. Damned toxic, from the ones I've seen. Most I've seen, again, not saying all before someone tries to jump on me.

10174534
Funnily enough since that comment i've actually been brainstorming a FlashSet fic that takes place in this universe.

10174505
Oh, and I learned a new word while I was reading it, so win-win. :twilightsmile:

10174558

I meant in the community in general, not this specific 'verse. I think this might be the first fic I've seen from it.

10174604
Metamour. Not surprised that there'd be a word to make explaining that relationship easier, but I had never heard it before.

coco wondered if Twilight would feel as lonely without her girlfriend. Probably not. There were few girls as needy as good old coco pommel.

This actually feels like it would be a natural place to tease a tiny telly bit about Coco, otherwise, it comes across as though it's a bit incomplete. She's needy, but what might be a little something that makes it so that isn't shown here? Aside from being a touch clingy (but in an understandable situation), Coco seems very diligent and capable. Is there something that sets her apart from her pony self? Some personal, juicy bit of characterization?

coco offered a polite smile, holding her hands in her lap. “Something from Broadway would be nice.”

This is me just not actually knowing/remembering what the human world counter part is called. I'm seeing pony puns, but then I'm not seeing some.

“So, what will you be doing for your assignment while I’m away?”

Is there any particular reason that Coco has her assignments? Without any knowledge of the rest of the stories, I don't know the exact reason she has these and the information doesn't read in a way that comes across as if it will be answered in the rest of the story or if it's a throwaway the reader is supposed to make an assumption about. The way Rarity and Coco go out of the way to talk about it shows there's some importance, but when that was established or why feels fuzzy.

Four days of sweatpants!

She's only getting four days of quarantine? Lucky.

It was a text from coco.

This part threw me for a loop. The funky capitalization stuff makes loads of sense in anything from Rarity and Coco's POV from what you told me about it. But if Twilight/any other character/a detached narrator it just comes across as off. If it's a significant element to Coco and Rarity, adding it to their sections is a great indirect way of shaping a unique voice. Here, it's currently coming across as excessive and out of place, especially since there's no romance blooming or romantic consideration between the two thus far. It also begs the question of why Twilight would think of Coco the same way Rarity would, when they might potentially have a very different relationship together.

“i…”

This is just a personal thing and it's not intended to be a nitpick, but FIMFIc has a lot of ways to format texts and other non-traditional in-story stuff like books, letters, etc. that could look really neat and make them visually distinct from dialogue and thoughts. It also could probably work super well if you use unconventional capitalization.

For example, I'd probably do something more like this:


It was a text from coco.

Hey, how are you doing?

pretty good! sunset just left

Yeah, Miss Rarity left about half an hour ago.


I'm sure that there's a ton of ways you could swap around their syntax and switch it up if you wanted to mimic texting idiosyncracies based on how you think these two dorks would text. Coco's odd grammar would look super good in these kinds of formats and I find it's something that personally adds to immersion while acting as a visual aid.

Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods!

1) This has neat headcanon implications. 2) I'm not sure if I should think that Coco is just embarrassed or if she's actually scared (and if so, why?).

“What do you want, tovarish?” he asked in a heavy eastern accent.

C'mon Gara, you have excellent horse puns for makeup, but not one for the glorious motherland? For shame.

Twilight broke away and smirked. “After all, we’ve fucked before. So, it’s not like having you over for the night is anymore boundary breaking than that.”

Okay, so other than Twi's POV using the funky caps, this is probably where my biggest gripe comes in. As a new reader, things have been fairly accessible so far. However, the biggest thing is that in a story about relationships, the borders of the relationship have been poorly defined. Over discord you said the main girls are dating, but here it doesn't imply that in the opening chapter. Then, the exact openness of the relationship is unclear. The reader knows from the summary that these two will get together, but not addressing the exact openness of the relationship in a clearer way (in what's advertised as a stand-alone entry) and having the reader just rely on the description feels like a huge hand-wave of something very important. Without knowing the relationship boundaries, lines like this, multiple bits of buildup, and the plot come across as close to cheating. (The past sexual encounter also feels iffy without any prior context too). It might be worth retreading some ground, even if it's just a few lines to solidify that this is a happy romance where everyone knows and is on board with what's happening. So, it feels inappropriate having them already asking to share beds and stuff when there's readers who might not know the relationship makeup and rules.

The fire alarm went off.

Okay, this made me laugh. Excellent bit of humor and Sci-Twi clumsiness.

“Oh… sorry! I thought you two had signed a contract and stuff.”

“Yeah, but like that stuff only applies when we’re in scene.”

“OH! I’m so sorry, I thought you two were doing a twenty-four/seven type of arrangement.”

It's good that this gets touched on. This is a good way to build accessibility. (Goodness knows I have some standalone stuff that was never going to be particularly accessible from its conception/story nature/semantics.) However, it does venture into jargon. A reader might be unfamiliar with this. I actually thought they were talking about employment contracts at first. These aren't lines I'd totally scrap and rewrite, but a few clarifying words and implications (or some paired internal dialogue as a natural way to relay some exposition) can go a long mile.

I used to not be very good at taking care of myself. i would uh… stay up all night working on projects and sleep really late into the afternoon.

It's good to see that this was addressed really early. Also, holy shit I didn't need to be called out like this.

The ending kind of goes back to the part about the relationship not being well-defined. Without the explicit permission of their respective girlfriends for this romance to bloom, or at least the relationship being mentioned as totally open, the absolute murkiness paired with moments like this makes me feel a bit bummed. They have such chemistry together, but I don't know if it's okay for the characters to even be doing this because there's been some conflicting moments of dialogue and everything else I mentioned.

Regarding the description: since the description isn't tied to any character perspective and is divorced from the story itself, as well as just generally omscient, I wouldn't have Coco's capitalization there. It does come across as more of an error in the description, while the story and multiple perspectives make it feel more unique. It also doesn't feel like something that a lot of readers will recognize in the description, but at least could gain more context for when the finish the first chapter, since Coco's convo with Twi gives it much more clarity. I'd also move the 'things to note' into author's notes for their respective chapters in order to free up your description. Most readers are just going to try and access the story summary, series info, and editor/artist info. Anything else is a bit much (and it currently hides your cover too). Author's notes at the top of chapters are hard to miss and ideal for people who might only want to pause at one chapter for potentially troubling content that is concentrated vs. prevalent.

Fourth Story of the Equestria Girls: University Series.

This is where you'd wanna add that it's stand-alone! So far, it doesn't look like that. :twilightblush:

“Yes, but we made it gayer. The new director is enby and they added a whole bunch of new stuff to it. It’s practically a brand-new show.”

I'd probably just go with 'non-binary' since 'enby' isn't super recognizable outside of certain spheres.

This was a habit she’d had since she started developing a crush on her and not even dating the girl seemed to make it stop.

Absolutely adorable.

So, for the phone conversation between Twi-Sunset-Rarity, establishing more about Twilight and Sunset's side of the relationship is done much better. Seeing something like this before the kind of moments that Coco and Twi had in the previous chapter really removes all worry.

“But we prefer to call it bible studies. You know, keep it on the downlow.”

The specific mention of bibles is a little odd. I think 'religious' could have worked just as well and the joke's parallel would be understood.

“No, because i’m trans. Alcohol and HRT don’t go well together.”

This was a weird thing I hadn't expected to be told when I got on HRT (though, mine just being T)! It certainly led to having to explain a lot at parties. Also, speaking of uni, what are the majors of all the characters? That's a fun little thing I'd like to know.

“Probably not,” coco grumbled. “Because the director and her are having sex. She probably borrowed it for their date.”

Is that allowed? It sounds theater-illegal.

“No, no, no, i liked it. It was very cute.”

Everything they're doing in this scene is cute so far.

Doo

There's only one 'o' in Daring Do.

Extremely snuggly and wholesome end scene. I wish there were more romances with stuff like that.

coco pommel is Rarity's submissive.

1) I like how you were able to make a connection between Suri and Coco, even in this world. That they had an abusive relationship is all too fitting and a very understandable parallel in the EqG world of teens and high schools. How well you portrayed even this after Coco has been out of the relationship does make me wonder if there might be a sequel/side-story that explores it.
2) The stargazing scene was appropriately cute. Scenes like this in slow-burn romances really add to the flavor.
3)

Twilight chuckled. “My doppelganger is Little Miss Law Abiding Citizen. I’m less lawful good, and more neutral good.”

This was a really nice, brief way to put the contrast between the two.
4)

You idiot, this is a queer conference. It’s crawling with trans coders. This wasn’t the juniors, Sparkle.

This joke ended up being more confusing, even as a queer person. I know the stereotype of transwomen usually working in IT but I've never heard it apply to just trans people. So, it ends up falling kind of flat. There's a lot of build-up to this joke and it does detract a lot from the activity in this scene because it isn't some quick aside.
5)

“0w0, what is this? A hacker?”

I'd really not format this like dialogue. I actually thought that this was something Coco was saying because it wasn't delivered differently.
6)

Miss Rarity smirked at the room as she walked back and forth across the stage, treating it like it was her own personal catwalk.

So, what was confusing for me here was seeing Miss Rarity (as Coco would call her) and Rarity (as I'm sure Twi would) all in the same chapter, despite this one not being divided up into the distinct perspective of Coco or Twi. It makes it feel like the references/nicknames are getting switched up.
7)

I am a trans woman and have been on HRT since I was sixteen.

This actually brings a question to mind. The first three movies (if I remember correctly) were implied to take place over the course of the girls' senior year. If that's the case, wouldn't that have meant Rarity wouldn't have been on E when she first met her friends in the old yearbook from the first movie? The story potential for that aside, it makes me wonder about her voice. You haven't mentioned anything being very different about this Rarity's appearance or voice, but if she went on HRT at 16 and wasn't on blockers before, do you envision a different sound to her voice? I just can't see (if those are the circumstances) how her voice would pass to the degree it does in canon. Though, I'm not sure how effective MTF voice training and surgeries generally are.
8)

metamour

This is a super neat word! It also establishes the involvement (or in this case, lack of any) between Twi and Rarity.
9)

Sunset turned to face a rather peeved looking woman behind a bank of computers. She had cream coloured skin, pink hair, and a pair of glasses which made her golden glare all the more intense.

Oh Gara, you didn't... :raritywink:
10)

Twilight came out of the bathroom, waltzing across the apartment in her finest ensemble.

With the natural closing to the live stream scene, this line here and the lack of any divide between the scenes in this chapter made me wonder if you forgot to add any scene dividers.
11)

“Anniversary for just you two, or all three of you?”

All three? I thought you said that Rarity and Twi weren't dating, but over discord you said all of them were dating each other...

I'm super, super confused now.
12) The cute little bi-bracelet makes me wonder what the exact makeup of the relationship is, orientation-wise. Do you have any nifty flow-charts?
13)

“you and I… We’ve never actually been on a date before, have we?”

This line is another one that adds to the confusion of the relationship. This is a story about them getting together, and in the first chapter they have the obvious newness that they haven't been together, but then there are lines like this here and in a couple of other places. They end up making the situation more confusing and inaccessible than clear. As a reader, I find it very hard to understand their relationship, its boundaries, and history.

This continues to be completely adorable, I love these two together

10254055
That was on purpose, it's part of the characterization. It's done that way throughout the entire story. Pulled directly from further down in the story description:

1) There is some funky capitalization in this fic which seems to go against proper English. It's intentional.

10254060
Ahhhh i'm actually an idiot who forgot to put in scene dividers

10254055
This was intentionally done.

Okay, Coco not having the basic ability to pick her own food is really dysfunctional and depressing. It makes me wonder if this is a hold-over from her past abuse or if she just doesn't have certain adult capabilities and Rarity hasn't noticed.

It was called Gay Gyros and had two flags in the windows, one belonging to the gay community and the other to a Hellenic Republic across the ocean.

I need this place to be real.

she would have to order for herself, something she had not done since… high school? Maybe even earlier.

This is another blow of depressing. For such a comfy story, there's a lot of little red flags shaping up about Coco's life.

I like that you've worked in LGBT slang that's both unique and more easily accessible, but I would have liked some more descriptions of these characters beyond that, like there are for the girls. Is the bear fella more strongk or cuddly? Are they wearing matching shirts? Etc, etc. Better a smidge too much than a lot being vague.

coco nodded. “Honestly, she knows what i like better than myself.”

Rarity, get your girl to a therapist.

This only seemed to make Twilight’s frown grow increasingly dire. “Does she let you make any decisions for yourself? No offense but this kind of sounds a little uh… controlling to me.”

Only a little, Twilight?

“Too many dude bros, not enough queer women.”

Gara, why would you hurt my dudebro heart like this? :C

“Is this about a trans character?” she asked.

Is this a Rae the Doe reference?

“Oh! That would be Magic.”

Two women who love Magic the Gathering and run a comic/manga store with a large LGBT section? Hm, I wonder who they could be...

“I just don’t understand how everyone else can be wired toward monogamy.”

I mean, inverting this is how a mono person (like myself) would feel about being poly...

Moonstone is the name of 2 characters in Marvel comics.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moonstone_(comics)

I hoped there'd be a sunstone reference from the moment you mentioned the comic book store. I don't know why but it just felt right

This is one of the most underrated fanfics I've read.

I salute you sir...

A lovely sweet end to an adorable story.

Thank you.

10259553
i'm a girl XD.

10259565
You're welcome, glad you enjoyed it.

Whoo!

And I’m sure Sunny only lets AJ think she can top her.

Good story, girl. And I agree, the poly tag needs to be a separate tag from “It’s complicated”

Very nicely done

“Oh no reason,” coco said, her gaze drifting to a shelf which had a Magic: The Gathering starter kit on it. “You just made it sound like a lot of fun is all.”

Yes. Just yes

While this last chapter does wrap up things for the girls, it feels like a bit of a mish-mash. Sci-Twi and Coco reuniting with their girlfriends were adorable and had a lot of funny lines. Having Rarity pick up on some of their new behavior felt very natural. However, the conversation about dating and relationship boundaries between Sci-Twi and Coco felt like it should have happened at the very start of the story, not the end. It would have communicated the relationship of the six/seven/however many women in this polycule in a way that the reader would have needed at the start. Here, it feels out of sequence, especially after the development of Coco and Twilight's romance.

Still, that aside, I really liked the fluffiness going on here. I hope you write more like it with these gals again soon.

All around wholesome, adorable story. Thank you for sharing. :heart:

Not sure why this doesn't have more views, because this story is great. The thing that stood out to me the most was Twilight's characterization. Especially the end-of-college thing was spot on, never expected to see that in a fic.

This continues to be really great Slice of Life. Love the developing relationship between coco and Twilight, and just how cozy this whole thing is despite touching on some pretty serious topics w.r.t. coco's backstory. Really digging it.

This is a stellar example of SoL romance and one that's quite inspiring to me. It's amazing how much you were able to do with such a simple premise, and I'd love to see more like this. I'll admit I was a tad disappointed when this fic was T-rated, but it really is better for it and there wasn't really a need to make it more, and I can always go and reread Play Party for the twentieth time if I want something M-rated in this universe.

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