• Member Since 3rd May, 2019
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Carmine Craft


Just a new writer with a bad profile pic. :)

T

Peter Westmoore, 19 years old. Friends describe him as hard working, but a stick in the mud.
Peter never enjoyed the party scene, not when he could be honing his skills as an animator, nor did he have a taste for alcohol. And what does all that responsibility get him? A quick night terror and being dragged to Equestria. Now he, or rather "she" has to find a way back to his/her world. But the six colors adorning his new equine shape simply keep getting in the way. How will a now stressed college student adapt to the happy go lucky world of ponies, and as a filly no less?


Special thanks to my editors; gerandakis and Jasperr Hart. For going through these chapters and helping me clean them up.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 193 )

Nice story so far! I can't wait to find out what the crystal growth is, and I wonder if Luna can remember trying to summon something as a last defence?

I like the story keep up the good works 👍

Peter flopped down onto his bed, stretching slightly before getting comfortable. His dorm mate was at his computer watching a show, from what he could tell, it entailed magical horses. He, Dillon, had tried to get Peter to watch it, but it simply didn't strike him as all that entertaining. He settled in for the night on his side and closed his eyes. He soon felt sleep pulling at the edge of his consciousness, he opened his eyes to make one last check of the room. Dillon had had a bad habit of not locking the door before he turned in.

So close, Peter! You need your research! :facehoof::raritycry:
We take delight in this. :rainbowlaugh:

And why does everything taste li

Rainbows? Candy?

So Peter (now Argent) is possessed by multiple spirits? Well that just sucks.

"Wh-what?" I asked, trying to clear my vision and keep my voice under control. They shared a look before Twilight popped a mirror into existence beside her. Taking it into her aura she floated it in front of me. What I saw was a three inch, light blue crystal protruding from the center of my forehead.

(It seemed fitting)

Not sure if listening to All Along the Watchtower and Simple Man was appropriate... but it sure seemed that way.

Cool, this got featured.
Really liking it so far, hope that this being featuring will inspire you to continue.

Featured 6/5/2019 if anyone wants to know.

Like the premise of the story so far. Do continue this fascinating story.

"Oh you guys haven't met them yet, right!" Pinkie Pie put the bundle down in front of Twilight, to reveal a thistle colored foal, they had an alice blue mane, their cutie mark appeared to be six grey full circles spaced evenly. But the oddest part of their appearance were the patches of color on their hooves, and streaks of vibrant colors in their mane and tail. "Allow me to introduce you to-! Oh wait, I should let them introduce themself, hehe~" she rubbed the back of her head.

How many foal did they found actually? At first, there was 'A' foal. Then I don't know how many.

Aw, not you too, now I've got two p onies I have to cheer up! I thought with a mental 'tsk tsk'.

For a moment, I thought Pinkie did something to the 4th wall.

Despite its need for editing, this story looks very interesting indeed.

"Good night, my little pony." Twilight replied. Before turning to her own bed.

And I thought Princess Celestia hold a copyright on this line.

I'm intrigued, nice story keep em comming. :3

Ohh hooked. Upvoted and tracked.

Alondro crashes into Equestria as a hydra.

(Huh... you know I don't think anyone's done that fanfic yet... or as a Quarry Eel for that matter... manticore? THERE ARE STILL IDEAS LEFT TO USE!!!)

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they & their are sometimes used to refer to someone without using their name or gender, and I don't think the writer wanted to just litter the paragraph with 'the foal' over & over.

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I believe 'it' and 'its' could fit nicely for non-specific gender baby. Like when they say "It's a boy".

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It was one foal, the author just used non-gendered pronouns

Your - Possessive. Something that belongs to you. That house belongs to you. That house is yours.
You're - Contraction. A shortening of 'you' and 'are', omitting the space and the 'a'. If you mean 'you are' then use you're.
Yore - Noun, indicating a time long ago.

"What'n tarnation is goin' on in here? A country mare exclaimed as She tried to open the door, which was blocked my an overturned chair. Rarity picked up the blockage with her magic and set it back in its proper place."

That's how I read this, I find the concept of Applejack announcing this all out loud excruciatingly funny.

Thank you for the chapter! Is she growing a horn or something? I want to know!

You had an exorcise instead of excercise at one point, but that was the only mistake I saw. Is she going to grow wings after this? Thank you for the chapter!

" Rarity , who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of... Generosity !" The white mare had a slightly sad look in her eyes, "And Rainbow Dash , who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of... Loyalty !" Red shards encircled the pegasus.

With all the other formations of the elements, you describe the elements color, yet here with Rarity's element you didn't. I recommend you describe the color of Rarity's element.

Peter flopped down onto his bed, stretching slightly before getting comfortable. His dorm mate was at his computer watching a show, from what he could tell, it entailed magical horses. He, Dillon, had tried to get Peter to watch it, but it simply didn't strike him as all that entertaining. He settled in for the night on his side and closed his eyes. He soon felt sleep pulling at the edge of his consciousness, he opened his eyes to make one last check of the room. Dillon had a bad habit of not locking the door before he turned in.

Dorm mate as two words is odd to read & when i searched it up online the dictionary websites stated it as one word like this: dormmate.

Followed up by horror as the hand turned to "face" him, it clenched a few times moving like a serpent as it stretched across the floor to him. He felt his vision blur with tears, the hand rested on his face, scratching its claws on his temples. It shivered with what Peter thought was wicked delight and he swore he could hear faint cackling. The monster hand released its grip on Peters skull and centered itself above his chest. It dove into his chest like it would pass through water. What the f-? It suddenly reared back dragging a blue and white wispy thing with it. What in the he-!! Suddenly his vision blurred and faded to nothing, the next thing he knew he was struggling in the giant hand's grasp as it retreated into a small glowing hole in the shadow it came from.

I strongly recommend adding more enter/return things (don't know name of them) in there as currently it entirely one paragraph & looks quite bad.

... Where am I? Peter wondered, before him was a pitch black horse-thing with the night sky for hair. That... that can't be right, that sounds insane. He thought, and judging by how quickly the horse-thing. Oh, it's got a horn? Unicorn-thing then? Anyway, the blinking motion was taking forever, so the world must be moving in slow motion. He thought. What ever had happened to him was wierd, because he could now see in 360°, but because the human mind isn't meant to experience such things it felt more like he was able to turn his "head" in any and all directions effortlessly. He could feel light at what was currently the rear of his perception, so focusing on it he saw what was both humorous and terrifying. A rainbow was descending in his direction. The rainbow was coming from, and possibly being generated by, a group of six more smaller horse-things. Upon closer inspection, and as the rainbow got closer, it was, fortunately, not actually heading for him, but the unicorn-thing behind him. It touched down at its feet, hooves? And begain swirling around the thing. But much to Peters chagrin, upon its third spiral upward the would-be tornado changed paths and began funneling into Peters ethereal form, much to the surprise of everyone in the room. Why do I keep getting targeted by all the weird things today!? Peter screamed. What the hell was that rainbow!? And why does everything taste li- He was cut off, because apparently he was unable to contain the full rainbow-death-laser-thing for very long, and he promptly exploded in a rainbow nova. As he faded from consciousness the last thing he remembered was feeling cold stone on his stomach.

'Begain' is actually spelled 'began' & 'wierd' is spelled 'weird', this also requires an enter key press right as the bold text starts.

Nightmare Moon was pulling with all the magic she had left, hoping that what ever she had managed to grab would save her. It has to, that was the one requirement I put into the spell! As the rainbow beam arced into the air, the claw came into Equis before her, releasing its prize, a small white whisp, the claw disappeared. This is it? This will save me? What even is it? Nightmare wasn't left much time to ponder the strange ethereal objects effectiveness as the rainbow had reached the peak of its ark and was now falling down upon her. Grasping the whisp in her magic she held it before her in an attempt to shield herself.

This requires many new enter key presses to make it so it's not all one paragraph when it was trying to be multiple.

The group of mares slowly came back to there senses, "Ugh, my head" Rainbow was the first to speak, followed by Applejack. "Everypony okay?" she asked her friends. "Oh, thank goodness!" Rarity exclaimed, drawing everyone's attention. "Why Rarity, it's lovely." Fluttershy said in a half whisper. "I know! And I'll never part with it again!" Rarity said, jubilant. "No, your necklace, it looks just like your cutie mark." Fluttershy clarified. "What?" Rarity looked down at the gilded necklace that had found it's home on her, the purple diamond shape displayed proundly. "Ooh. So does yours." Flutter shy gasped, looking down at her complimentary accessory.

I'm pretty sure proundly is actually supposed to be profoundly & this entire paragraph needs more enter key presses to separate it when it failed at being different paragraphs.

Pinkie Pie bounced into view, chanting "Look at mine! Look at mine!" Clearly proud of hers, then bounced off toward the far wall. "Aw yeah. " Rainbow Dash exclaimed, with her red lightning bolt necklace on display.

This needs an enter key press when rainbow dash starts talking as it failed to become 2 different paragraphs.

AppleJack looked to the crowned unicorn, "Gee, Twilight! I thought you were just spoutin' a lot of hooey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship." Before anyone could respond, a voice came into the room, followed by the light of dawn, "Indeed you do." said the disembodied voice. The sun rose quickly and then, in a flash of light, appeared Princess Celestia. Everyone bowed before her, save for Twilight, whom trotted over to her teacher and received a hug. "Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it." Twilight looked up at Celestia with mild confusion. "But... you told me it was all an old pony tale." "I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more." Celestia countered, "I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return, and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her, but you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart. Now if only another will as well. Princess Luna!" All eyes turned to the blue alicorn mare, lying surrounded by shattered armor before the dias. She gasped not meeting the princesses eyes, "It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this. Time to put our differences behind us." The princess lied down beside Luna. "We were meant to rule together, little sister."

Needs more enter key presses where paragraph failed to separate, 'dias' is supposed to be dais unless you were trying to state something in another language, and I recommend having an ellipses between the 'Now if only another will as well.' & 'Princess Luna!', like 'Now if only another will as well... Princess Luna!', I also recommend removing the exclamation point as it makes it seem like she is surprised at Luna being there even though directly before she hints towards doing something with Luna.

Celestia stood back up. "Will you accept my friendship?" She asked, her voice not betraying her emotions.

Saying her voice doesn't betray her emotions doesn't mean much if neither Celestia nor her voice were given any emotions, so I recommend you add something like 'in a caring tone' after the 'she asked' part, or at least something similar.

Luna gave only a moments pause before jumping up to embrace her sister. "I'm so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister!" The royals embraced with tears in their eyes. "I've missed you, too." Celestia said, with tears of joy.

This requires two enter key presses in the places where the paragraph failed to separate.

Twilight was the first to ask. "Uhh, Pinkie?" She called to the party pony who just stepped out the door. "Yes Twilight?" Pinkie replied from behind her. Twilight managed to contain her suprise."Wh-what do you have there?" She asked pointing a hoof to the blanket on her back, a lock of pale blue hair poking out of it. "Oh! Well they're sleeping, but I figured we should take them back to Ponyville!" Pinkie said in her usual chiper tone. "Uh, Who?" Rainbow asked Pinkie with a raised eyebrow and a pointed hoof.

This is missing three enter key presses where the paragraph failed to separate, 'suprise' should be surprise, & 'chiper' should be chipper unless your talking about some french word.

The Elements of Harmony, sans Pinkie, were accompanying the princesses back to town, Twilight was busy inspecting their unkown addition. The vibrant splashes had faded to a degree, along with her stripes, save for two shades of purple which were as bright as ever, that alone was worrying, but what was truly concerning was the slowly growing crystal embedded in their forehead. Twilight was unsure as to how they could have gained such an anomaly, but it was growing by the minute. At first it seemed to be nothing more than another odd splash of color, but it had now progressed to a few quarter inch crystals that were fusing together and growing in thickness. No spell she used seemed to dampen their growth, if anything it made them faster.

The word 'unkown' should be unknown & addition should be a different word like 'tag along' as using addition in my opinion would relate more to their recently obtained elements of harmony than to the new foal as both are somewhat unknown & I believe that addition refers to an object more often then not or at least a body part.

Nurse Redheart preformed a few standard tests on the foal, and had the protrusion on her head magically scanned, but from what the tests showed, they were just an earthpony with a severely under developed Gaean duct. "Where did you come from?" she asked the unconscious pony. The nurse sighed and walked out of the room. "I hope she's gonna be ok." And with that she quietly closed the door.

There needs to be an enter key press in this paragraph where it failed to seperate.

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I do believe that she is in-fact growing mini-elements of harmony out of her head, as the seem to grow when near friendship & when around the elements of harmony.

You need an editor.


Other than that, Good story.

A couple of mixups of the your (possession) and you're (you are) variety. "Are you okay" should have a question mark instead of a period.

Well... didn't see that coming.

Hmmm... I wonder what else I won't see coming?

Deleded from watchlist...
Add to favorites.

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Eeeyup. It's considered polite to use they/their over it/its when speaking about a person of indeterminate gender rather than an inanimate object in English, even when you're only speaking of one person and not multiple.

So far she has ‘channeled’ laughter, honesty, magic, and loyalty. All that’s left is kindness and generosity.

He have do deal being in filly body with smell and hornmos and learn magic and how do read in equsetria and learn about land and the history and everything and meeting with the princess and deal with pinkie pie and everypony and dealing with bad guys and not being a jerk and not being a dumbass charge everypony also with the princess Luna and princess celestia it's will be a very bad day if he does that and going have he will be very sorry does that

The one thing I’m wondering about is why isn’t her cutie mark on the cover art?

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That would be because I forgot, and that's not even the most glaring mistake this piece has had in the past. I'll be fixing up a more permanent cover art later.

For some reason, the thought of lying to her and saying, Yes I was indeed born with it. like a normal person would when they are given an out, just made my hoof itch. So instead I went with a sort of half truth. "For as long as I have been a pony yes." That passed the hoof-itch test.

Ohh i just realized what that's for. nice

^
When the featured list has something you like

now I find that I can't even read!? This can't get any worse. I grumbled.

Interesting, same speaking language but completely different writing symbols. Well, just tell Twilight her parents were gone before they could teach her how to read/write. Given they thought she was from backwater, it should be fine.

letting in a purple furred mare with a dark blue mane, with streaks of purple and raspberry in it.

FINALLY, a story that gets Twilights mane color right. I cant tell you how frustrating it is when people say stuff like: "lavender unicorn with a purple mane." So THANK YOU for that.

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