Name's Storm. It's my title, my alias, and my identity.
I've been fighting for centuries now. Thousands of them, in fact. Traveling from dimension to dimension, trying my best to maintain proper balance. Not too much Law, not too much Chaos. Not too much Good, not too much Evil. At the same time, I am different. I have something that's unimaginable. Something that strikes inspiration in allies, fear in enemies, and horror in Gods themselves. A piece of interstellar technology I so aptly named the 'Universal Editor', a device that enables me to 'edit' the Strands of Existence, which then allows me nearly impossible feats.
After a close-encounter and failure to perform my self-imposed duty, I escape with only a flesh wound (or seven). Only to fall right into a realm packed with mythological beings, heavy emphasis on peaceful environments, and colorful technologically-inept equines that constantly try to become closer to me. Let's see how far my remaining sanity will plummet after this...
---------------------------------
Rated Teen (Good amount of swearing, minor descriptive gore, and plenty of violence)
Story began: January 26th, 2012 (Posted on the 27th)
Editors: ShadowHorizons (Editor-In-Chief), SovietBacon
Cover Art (using Photoshop) made by: SovietBacon (artist of original picture [found thanks to EdwardJ] is this guy.)
Okay, another dimensional traveler competing with me... alright, I'll track this to see where it goes.
I really think this is interesting and I look forward to reading more.
Also well done for awesome profile pic of the guy.
Before I read it, before I say anything else: take the f-bomb out of the summary. I don't care what you replace it with, but there are some of us who don't want to see profanity when just browsing for pony fics. Second: take out that note in the summary saying it's your first fic. It's irrelevant, and makes it look just as unprofessional as coarse language.
This is very random.
I like it.
Well besides Grammar And spelling errors this was actually a very enjoying if short read ^^
Okay. Not bad, for a first fic. In that sense, I'm inclined to be generous. However, there are still several issues I must point out. One of them being the consistent misspelling of 'feud', which you spelled 'fued'. It's a simple letter switch. And...the biggest issue here is the abrupt shift between first and third person. That's something you just don't do. From the style so far, I'm inclined to suggest you start it in first person and keep it there.
Plus, there's the fact that Storm is a far bigger pottymouth that I would ordinarily tolerate. Cut down on the language. Please.
I'm also noting a significant amount of run-on sentences and minor form errors, including my absolute favourite, and probably the one I see the most: including more than one phrase in a quotation before a dialogue statement. For instance: "Oh don't look at me like that. I'm the baby dragon here and I stayed up just as late as you, yet here I am having to drag you outta bed it seems?"
A better way to write that would be: "Oh, don't look at me like that," he said with a sly grin. "I'm the baby dragon here, and I stayed up just as late as you. Yet here I am, having to drag you out of bed."
And there's some areas that need commas, and stuff like that...just general grammar there. Either do a proofread, or get yourself a prereader, or both.
Now, if I seem a little harsh, it's because I am. Don't get me wrong. If I didn't think you had potential, I wouldn't be criticizing you this much. To be honest, I probably wouldn't even have commented. But you do have potential, and I'm just trying to help you reach it. I might track this, just to see if you end up improving.
That's all.
It's rather quirky. I guess I'll see where this leads to.
165367
Completely understandable. Fixed both of these on your request. Thank you for being completely blunt and honest.
This story interests me
is main character brony?
165526
Nope. Absolutely zero knowledge of the MLP realm. I kinda gave that away in the summary
I like this so far. Did Storm curse every other line before you edited this? That is the only way that you could say that you edited out most of the cursing.
165608
It was less every other line, but more like several in the same line.
165656 Wow, and he was trying to negotiate peace between to waring tribes of an alien race? No wonder he said something that made everyone want to kill him. I am looking forward to seeing how the residents of Ponyville react to his bad mouth.
165349
No, no, you're fine. I was just kidding around. But really... it seems I have another dimensional traveler to compete with. Let's see what happens...
moar
165936
Planning to start on Chapter 3 tommorow. Or maybe tonight if I'm really feeling up to it.
Insulting a creature that could probably easily kill her. Yep, that's Rainbow Dash.
Every robot, A.I, android,cyborg.. the list goes on HAS to speak with an English accent.
166574
You can't deny the sexiness that is the English!
I am english!
And it's very good! I look forward to reading chapter 4!
Loving this so far :)
170014
Why thank you my good man.
I concur with the first guy's statement.
This is great.
awesome story,
tracking + 5 stars
170787
Why thank you good sir. People like you are what keep me up late at night typing!
Well then, stay up longer!
171214
Augh! So many ideas so little time... This will probably go for quite a while. Action, comedy, references, ADVENTURE!
More. May your road guide you to warm sands.
Possibly the best story I am currently reading. Good work, keep going.
i
this fic
great fic is great
No you shouldn't have gone left 4.bp.blogspot.com/-2VJgaOcp5GY/Tfqs_-MFP0I/AAAAAAAAAl4/8SCriVfa494/s1600/i-am-sorry.jpg
Italian?
very clever.
penso che è così bello che hai avuto lo speek italiano solo per pisciare fuori di Twilight. ho trovato estremamente divertente.
Fun start to a story. Interesting
wow, i'm so glad i finally got some real world use out of Italian class
How you like me now, people who decided to be all practical and take Spanish
167005 sexy english men? read the april fools chapter of "Name's Eliss"
MotherTRUCKER LOL
Seems interesting I shall track it and its always nice to see a Disturbed fan
Live in hawaii took japanies so konichiwa ganki desu ka or hello are you happy but generally used for hello hows your day
I translated that Italian and it was: That Twilight is so? So I'm also not smart enough to speak a language as well?