• Member Since 8th Aug, 2018
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Desperate Dawn


I'm not that Desperate, just to let you know.

T

A/N:
First of all, you might want to know about this story.
Already know? Well, let us say that this is a Sequel for it. The current author for that story seems to be dead and I know that continuing the story without their permission is bad so... A SEQUEL but mostly a time-skip on their childhood. Basically, we're back to around the time before Nightmare Moon eventual escape and yada-yada-yada, you all know it already so... Here you go.
Edit 15/06/2019: Featured at the bottom of the Featured box on the first hour after posting! WOW, I did not expect that...
Edit 12/08/2019: Featured once more, thanks!


What happened if you are destined to be a mirror of someone’s power, a mere copy of themselves? Both in power and intelligence, the only difference is that you lack that someone’s appearance and identity? You could literally say that they are different as the day and night.

Well, Twivine can relate to that.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 93 )
DNC

I really liked the first.:pinkiesmile: yours is looking good too.:pinkiesmile: we’ll i still have hope for the original:pinkiesad2: I look forward to this story as well.:pinkiehappy:

I am glad someone is continuing this story. Although I am mostly liking this the one problem I have that bothers me is that she confessed to the sparkles about originally being human. I don’t know why but it bothers me.

Really happy to see that you've picked up this amazing story/universe.

ah.. someone got tired of waiting i see... lol good luck.

9478584
At first, I wonder if I should mention about her humanity or not and I decide to put it now. I mean, she no longer remember her name or her past life for that matter. I think she would've tell the others about her origin so Twilight could remind her of who she was once, a momento. Although that will not be referred nor mention again in the story because of reasons...

9478769
Thanks, we all know how long it is. And just as any video-game hero ever,
"If no one would do it, then I'll do it."

9479132
that's my thought on 'angelic layer' we have the rudimentary tech for it, but nobody is combining them far as i know. looking forward to see how you write this

I did a little advertising on the original to bring the old fans of this story to this one.

It's about time somepony pick up the story😀👏🙌 it good start chapter I hope you continue with the story 🙏

Comment posted by Texus deleted February 27th

edit: Just in chase something doesn't sound like it's intended, nothing is supposed to sound mean.
I do those kind of comments at least once in the beginning of a story or when I think I notice that something goes into a similar direction like I have seen it a hundred times already or when I feel like it does the same thing like stories did that I disliked. in the end.

Yes, I already told Twilight and the rest of the family about my origin, including Celestia, well except for both Shining and Cadence since the two rarely visits after we moved

Not really a big shock, but my normal reaction would be "NOOOOO", they know she is a human.

well I may be out of Twilight’s league of doing complex spells and skills

The description of her past was not bad, only here I thought that I hoped her power would be unique enough to give Twilight problems should she decite to compete with her somehow.

I guess I wanted to see her as someone that goes a bit against Twilight being the chosen one.
edit: For some reason I just thought I hope that she is at least stronger than Applejac and Rainbow Dash, not sure what to think about Pinkie as long as Twivine is able to stop her from annoying her if she doesn't want it it should be fine.
I can't help myself and image what can go wrong even if I'm happy to see this.

but Princess Celestia said it herself that I can be on par with Twilight if I tried harder, which I don’t. I never tried to be on level with Twilight

:raritydespair: I really don't need an OP character, but I like it if there is someone who can rival someone like Celestia and Twiligt or....suddenly forgot the second reason, but maybe it goes in the direction that the main char human or not acts somewhat useless in those stories.

Don't take me to seriously, but since fimfiction is only about on series I got used to dislike certain.....ideas (not sure if that is the right word for what I want to say here but I can't think of something better this morning).

Thank you very much for continue this story anyway. Of course because of the timeskip "which I usually don't like", there were a few things I could comment about but these were all not big things soooo good job:twilightblush:

My wish for the story would be since they start where the seasons start, maybe do some little things different than in the show like maybe Twivine befriending Trixie or at least supporting her and commenting on how badly the others tread her when they run her out of town.
I guess she could be the last Pony Trixie sees and while she would probably still leave and come back later to enslave everyone beside Twivine, it would probably bring some nice changes.

Also I hope while she doesn't train so much with Twilight, her powers allow her to actually join a VIllains fight and maybe she is better because of being creative with her powers? I just want the others to aknowledge what she does.
I remember stories in which the human had some kind of power or the main char was helping in such situations, but the only thing that happend was, "the other characters ignoring what the main char did or even talking in a way that makes it look bad or like it was nothing special.

For now I don't need romance in the story, but I try to image if a weird little crush as a funny element to the story would look good.
That and I just finally want a shy and clumsy colt having a crush on the main char (maybe for defending him) instead of the usual personalities we get.
I don't need any of that teasing the main char stuff well maybe from her sister and two close friends if it's in friendly humor and not overdone.
That and while it happens more often lately, I hardly see the other char blushing while it's usually the main char who is nervous and a blushing mess.

Sorry that it is so big but I guess I got suddenly a bit excited by everything that could happen now that this is back and honestly I was just looking for a Twivine story again.

it's here :pinkiehappy: i'm a little sad because of time skip (we lose all the cute filly twilight and twivine shenanigans) regardless can't wait to see where the author will take this story, best of luck :heart:

9479753
Yeeaah, as much as I would like to see of how the two adorkable fillies growing up, but its not going to happen unless the original author somehow came back from the grave, until then, no filly Twilight and Twivine unfortunately :fluttershyouch:


9479714
YES YES YES! HAHAHA, FINALLY A REAL FEEDBACK! YUUUHUUUUUU *Maniacal Laughter* :pinkiecrazy:
*Clears Throat*
First of all, thank you for this AMAZING feedback, for a new writer such as myself that started writing about six-seven months ago. I really need an honest say about my story and seeing this made my day, I just got back home from school and logged on to see your comment. For that, I truly appreciate it. Let me do another backflip of joy :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy:

That aside, let us jump on the commentary!

"Not really a big shock, but my normal reaction would be "NOOOOO", they know she is a human."

I actually never intended that much big of a reveal, both Twilight and Twivine's Parent (Nightlight and Velvet) are already seeing some weird stuff back then. I suspect that both would just go for "Eh, cool." kind of reaction and brush it off aside as it was another day in the Sparkle household. Y'know, they already seeing crazier stuff ever since Twilight 'give birth' to both of Spike and Twivine, so that is to be expected. About the Princess however, I would say that she's like a mother (as usual) listening to their children's wild story, and again just like before, Celestia already seen some weirder stuff in the past so this one is probably one of them. Of course, Celestia wouldn't immediately brush that aside easily, she would like to think about it. Thats all I can say in the matter. :pinkiesmile:

The description of her past was not bad, only here I thought that I hoped her power would be unique enough to give Twilight problems should she decite to compete with her somehow.

I guess I wanted to see her as someone that goes a bit against Twilight being the chosen one.
edit: For some reason I just thought I hope that she is at least stronger than Applejac and Rainbow Dash, not sure what to think about Pinkie as long as Twivine is able to stop her from annoying her if she doesn't want it it should be fine.

Ohohohoho, Twivine wouldn't be the usual "I don't give a shit" attitude, she'll probably more along the line of "I'm tired with this crap" kind of stuff. Twivine isn't weak, recalling back in the story that Twivine beat up a group of bullies and manage to broke one of the bullies ribs resulting of her being feared by the whole class (and also getting some detention plus lecture from the teacher). That one alone hinted that she already is strong in some way. She would be more similar to Shining Armor, protective about its siblings and will do anything to protect them. I would say that Twivine would be able to compete with Twilight and in fact become stronger than her if she wishes to be. Alas, she don't want to...
Because of reasons... :trollestia:

I really don't need an OP character, but I like it if there is someone who can rival someone like Celestia and Twiligt or....suddenly forgot the second reason, but maybe it goes in the direction that the main char human or not acts somewhat useless in those stories.

Same, I also disliked Overly Overpowered character that makes them a Mary Sue/Gary Stu. Again as I mentioned earlier, Twivine could in fact be stronger or equal of the two. OP character that I can tolerate is a character that had an actual purpose in the story rather than them being in the center of that story. It'll make a really good story if they did had a purpose :pinkiesmile:

About the rest of the stuff...
I don't intend for Twivine at the center and watch things going on around her, because this is an AU and my interpretation of the story, things will change with her around I assure you :raritywink:
And also, about the romance stuff, I actually got one for the next chapter and I assure you, it won't be much nor would it be Twilight/Twivine on crushing on somepony, but the opposite. Again I assure you, things will be different unlike the other mess of a Fiction. :duck:

Welp, I guess that's all I can say in the matter. Thanks a lot for commenting :twilightsmile:

-Desperate out

Maybe its a bit early in yore act of the story, but I feel like you should focus a bit more of her odd magic an why the oter are afraid of these magic. The only thing that makes her stand out is that she can summon and control plundervines. In the original i hat the feeling that her magic thends to act more agressive then normal magic should.
But that's just my opinnion. Keep on going.

9479806
edit: I'm happy that I can help you with my comments, it's always nice to see if someone likes it.
I guess if we have more to talk about we should use the PM's right? If you want it and if I should have more to say I tell you about it in a PM.

Of course, Celestia wouldn't immediately brush that aside easily, she would like to think about it. Thats all I can say in the matter. :pinkiesmile:

For now that is enough for me, I just like to know how you imaged the characters reacting or thinking about the matter.
I guess I only hoped for it to stay a secret because that would lead to one or another complication or them wondering how she is so different than them if you know what I mean.
It's at least a fact that this mysterious element of a story get's often solved right in the second or third chapter in other stories when a human is turned into something else as an example. I like it if they have to figure it out or whatever situations comes from them not knowing it.

Like I said it's not a big thing here, especially if they don't make a big thing out of it all the time when they meet someone. I guess what I mean is the introducion should maybe not be "Hi I'm Twivine a former human".

I would say that Twivine would be able to compete with Twilight and in fact become stronger than her if she wishes to be. Alas, she don't want to...
Because of reasons... :trollestia:

Goood to hear, good to hear, :twilightsmile:
I didn't wanted the main char to be useless or anticlimactic weak, getting manipulated or pushed around by others.
You know the main characters who don't give a #### and aren't interessted in making friends with someone? They shouldn't be able to change their personality so fast, but only give Twilight and her gang one or two chapters and you have a flower sniffing new cuddle buddy if you know what I mean.

OP character that I can tolerate is a character that had an actual purpose in the story rather than them being in the center of that story.

I think I can agree with that too.
Not sure if that counts as this or not, but there where several stories with Celestia and Luna being control freaks or ridiculous powerfull and I disliked that.
I mean I admit I get tired of something like that if it's always happens like that. I don't know if it#s a comic thing or how much is just imagination from readers and authors on this side here, but I just like to see them being vulnerable too instead of droping an energyball as big as a planet on their enemies or using the moon or sun to create devastating elemental attacks.

I guess if someone is not to invisible they are also more likeable. Baaah now that makes me think of those Displaced characters who accidently act like pro ass####.
I have a headache so please excuse me if something makes no sense and ask again if you want to know what I meant.

I don't intend for Twivine at the center and watch things going on around her, because this is an AU and my interpretation of the story, things will change with her around I assure you

------ very good, in some stories you get the same stuff as in the episode and two aditional sentences from the main char to prove he exists :pinkiehappy:

Oh I can't wait to see what you have planned, I would still hope for an unusual quiet someone who falls in love with her but I'm sure I simply trust you for now, it sounds good what you say.

Twivine wrecking Nightmare Moon with FACTS and LOGIC!

(You'll get an internet cookie if you recognize this refrence)

9492445
The plants could run on magic instend of sun. (It’s Magic, noone explaned the rules to me)

Thank you for the crush, if his personality would have been a different one I might have disliked him being a guard.

I probably said it in the other story already, but I hope Twivine get's different "main" friends than Twilight or that half of the main six likes Twivine more and Twivine dislikes those a bit who like Twilight more.
Just because it happened to be like that.

I'm glad Rainbow reacted to her I was wondering about Applejack for a minute.

I’m seeing no army to take the Royal Guards on, so this plan is already doomed from the start, so, well done.”

In some stories an army of wild bunnies could take on the Royal Guards.

I wasn't sure what I should put in a spoiler here.

I let you suprise me with the ending, but because of her weird dream I actually thought Nightmare would maybe want her at her side for some weird reason, like wanting to forcefully adopt her because of her power or stuff like that.

How did you solved it actually that her parents didn't wanted to have her? I think you maybe already suggested something, but I wouldn't be against Luna officially adopt her. I mean the situation wouldn't need to change much beside a few rare family related chapters but I like to think they more or less accepted her there so far and maybe with Luna she will have her first real parents moments beside what she got from Celestia in the beginning.

I don't say the Sparkles hated her but it could be that she notice a differents I guess.
I forgot how much her brain remembers about her old life actually sooo.....I would like you to at least think about it please.

I hope you continue to make that guy akward and shy or whatever at least if he is in contact with her. I mean part of his otherwise maybe confident personality could be because being on dutie and with friends. I just really want my weird guy bein in the "shy guy" position the main char always gets to be. Thank you for the nice chapter I start to get a really good feeling about it

Keep up the good works I can't wait for the next chapter do not forget twivine is a pegasi sister

9479132

It is your decision as the author to do that. Albeit I think it isn't the best move to simply have her confess her humanity and then suddenly forget about pretty much everything. It seems strange for one. And secondly in the original Twivine mentioned the Pinkie Promise. The way the scene back then was phrased made it sound like it would come to bite her back in the ass. So, if Twivine had kept her secrets and memories and Twilight suddenly had found something questionable like her knowing the term Pinkie Promise, this could have led to a great confrontation and some improv on Twivine's side to talk herself out of it, or use a lie, afraid to have her sister know the truth. This could have gone places, like Twivine being seen as an Oracle of sorts or other things.

That is at least my view on things. Just to give you a perspective on how it could be handled in a different manner. But like I said it is your decision how to handle it.

And also, about the dream sequence on the last chapter?
*Glanced towards the Random Tags*
Yeah... it's completely irrelevant...

9575154
Press F to doubt.


F F F F F F

“Okay, do you have any idea where should we look then?” I asked, not too happy at her plan as I felt like it’ll go wrong somewhere along the way.

Probably will :moustache:

“I’m fine geez, I think you should worry more about Nightmare Moon,” Silver Sky said with a roll of his eyes and attempt to stand back on all four.

I know he can't just only be akward but I would like to see him nervous more often.

I think it's the situation and his injuries because he has himself under control.

I hope she never really remembers anything she might know from when she probably was a human.

Just as we said our goodbyes to the kind Serpent, a thought crossed my mind and then my eyes widened as I’ve come to a realization. This is where Twilight and the others will get the elements and defeat Nightmare Moon and turning her back to Luna, but this where it comes complicated; what will happen if I was in there, does the Element suddenly come up with the seventh element? I started to panic but immediately calm myself. Even if it does happened, I reckon nothing would change because the more they change the more they stay the same or so as they say. Right? I mean, what would I represent as?

I don't remember the details from when she came to existens but I hoped she would not remember this much.

I at least hope this won't be a whole "I can't do anything because I change the timeline thing", I dislike those more or less lazy reasons to keep the main char out of whatever happens. However I think you already promised me she get's her action time.

Awww now I'm a bit dissapointed that she got trapped and that it happened in a timeskip.

I was confused but it seems you had written a tiny part for that.

Not sure how far you follow the show itself but I kind of wish you either make Twilight ignore whatever duties Celestia wants her to do or think of a very good reasons why she would still do that a few days later. Somehow this story takes me back a little bit to where I thought Celestia only thinks of what is good for herself or what she wants for Twilight.

Ignoring what happens in the other story I get the feeling from your Celestia that she only want's stuff to happen as she had planned it.

All of the mares excluding Twivine let out a collective gasp, in the wreckage it wasn’t Nightmare Moon but instead a midnight bluish Alicorn with a light blue mane trapped in a large block of stone.

Honestly I think I watched to many main chars with a certain personality, but I suddenly feel like she is gasping a bit to much, that she easily get's suprised where I think she would maybe get annoyed and deadpan. ( or how you say it.)

What happens in the past, stays in the past. That word swirled around the Princess’s mind repeatedly. Twivine is right, I shouldn’t stayed in the past any longer, Princess Celestia takes a deep breath to calm herself, completely unaware of the stares from all eight ponies in the room. Upon realizing it, Celestia cleared her throat as she return to her usual calm mask.

“Yes, we do have a celebration to attend.”

Have I missed that or is that what Twivine meant when she said the stuff with the double meaning? I know she is right or at least I always had a similar feeling about that sentence but I want to ask what was meant exactly.

I still like the chapter, just doing my usual critism if you want to call it that because I like the idea/story so much.

edit: The thing with a nervous and maybe slightly clumsy Guards guy in this chase is still more or less just a personal wish from me. I usually see that personality in the main char and got the feeling that I haven't seen it yet that we had a stronger female main char and a shy/nervous and clumsy guy that she maybe even needs to protect once in a while despite his job.

It could be that he has some weird phobia or that he is just different when he is alone or out of his uniform I suppose.

As much as i like the story, but Twivine don't have a purpose, besides being there. You should do something against that. Maeby give her a purpose, something that she want to achive, a Identety of her own.

Tracking until you make it readable.

I suggest getting some poor sap to edit for you, plenty of late teenagers willing to edit on this site for some reason, just use a big brown bag and nab one or two.

I just hope the next one won’t go as bad. I didn’t really invoke Murphy did I?

*pulls a squirt bottle out of his Hammer Space and sprays Twivine!* "No! Bad! Bad Twivine! You do not tempt the Universe!"


My eyes widened as the mist solidified to a spear-like and then it was launched at me. For a moment… I saw blood.

I'm so evil, I'm so really-really Evil...
I have no regrets :trollestia:

🙄 you call this evil? Pfft, please.. this is Chaotic Neutral, Evil would be to have her die. Only to come back a a pissed off Litch. :pinkiehappy:

Dislike the idea that they forget who they were before but otherwise glad to see someone is continuing that story.

Nice also it would be interesting if she could summon her vines through the tree.

There are several places that were mistyped or misspelled... If possible, I would like to be the proofreader for you. I enjoy reading, and errors jar my experience like a speed bump on a highway. I attempted to copy the majority of them, but my phone, the style I'm on the most, acted up and only kept the most recent.

9680079
I mean... You spend long enough, reborn so your physical age is reset, in another world with a full set of memories that overlap and overwrite the previous set. See how long it takes to forget your past.

9681165
That... Actually makes since, given what is known about the tree and Plunder Vines.

9744899
Still said knowledge is what made the original so endearing.

Oh hey your back!!!!! YEY!!!!!

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

9765813
For Twivine, as mentioned in the original work. Is slightly deeper tone than Twilight, but same nonetheless.

“OW!” (My voice sounded somewhat like that of a little girl, yet with a dark undertone along the lines of Darth Vader).

For other character however, eehh I don't know. I imagined Silver Sky having a slight similarity with Soarin with a few minor pitch and demeanor adjustment. (Since Silver Sky is a Pegasus) :applejackunsure:

The two of us looked at each other in awkward silence. After a while, he finally broke the awkward silence. “Uhh…I can explain?”

Go ahead, we're all listening.

Twilight frowned, her ears flattened. She isn’t happy that I’m leaving her is she? “Oh, why is that? Isn’t Princess Celestia said that we should continue our study in Ponyville?”

She never said you can't travel or that you can't go and visit family :moustache:

I mentally laugh at that, surely she wouldn’t. She may be loyal, but not suicidal.

No, she's borderline fanatical :trixieshiftleft:

The two of us looked at each other in awkward silence. After a while, he finally broke the awkward silence. “Uhh…I can explain?”

... I don't think the explanation will be good enough :applejackunsure:

Doesn't Silver Sky have a crush on Twivine? Also when does her eyes give off that purple mist effect, only when she casts magic?

9767821
Yes, and yes. Although I rather pictured it like when Twilight uses Dark magic for the first time, so there's a bit of green on it.

9772812
I'm surprised by the lack of reactions to that effect of Twivine using magic and her and Twilight being twins. Even more so the fact Twivy has slited eyes. Being Twilights twin with different color's isn't new, just look at the spa twins.

9773280
At the very most, Twivine would get a weird look from ponies alike. I'm still doing most of canon Twilight backstory, and because of the polar opposites on their personality, Twilight were too engrossed on her books while Twivine would be out there socializing. Most ponies wouldn't think that Twivine had a sister during her time in Canterlot High School, hence why the lack of reaction.

One of the minor details that I don't put in because of the 'First-person' perspective is; the more intense and complex a certain spell to cast, the brighter the effect on Twivine's eyes. If it was a small and simple spell, then it wouldn't be noticeable. It's there but required you to have a super eyesight to even faintly spot it. (Or it's all because I'm lazy :derpytongue2:)

9774230
Yeah I figured that's why, I was meaning more around Ponyville. Sorry for the mix up there. :twilightsheepish:

I wonder what the other 5 of the Main 6 think of the Sparkle Twins and Twivine in particular. Will you mention there thoughts/feelings on the twins at some point in other chapters maybe? For that matter I wonder what Luna thinks of Twivine, knowing that she's a Nightmare.

9774285
I swear, if you keep this up, I'll be spilling more to everyone what I had planned. :pinkiecrazy:
So, you gotta wait until a few more chapters or so to know, kay? :raritywink:

(Might as well spoil you now lol) I'll be centering on Twivine First-Person perspective, but there is possibility of a switch to Third-Person on future chapters.

What is the story with the "Trinket"?

9777476
I have plans...
...Plans that you shouldn't be worrying about... right now, juuuuust enjoy... :pinkiecrazy:
*Evil cackle* :pinkiecrazy:

9777495
Okay PS I really don't want to see more OC'S.

Congratz, you got featured. 8/11/2019

9777497 Maybe leave that up to the author's discretion, yeah?

9777514
Just an opinion.

Comment posted by Timeless Lord Slayer deleted August 12th
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