• Member Since 14th Sep, 2017
  • offline last seen Wednesday

ShadowedKnight68


"Some people just need a high five....in the face....with a chair"

T

Andrew your basic every day guy, hates Christmas, he finds no purpose in the holiday, but one day he gets in an accident and dies, or at least he thought he did he soon wakes up in an old crumbling castle, not only that but he's been turned into a small filly, one with black fur and white hair, as well as having a horn and wings, now in a world he doesn't know and being seen as a monster and hated for it, he will have to learn how to live in a new life, all while having heard about this holiday called Hearths Warming.


Edited by: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/272063/Organical

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 74 )

This remenber me Past sins and Living nightmare only that this one is fusing both ideas, lets see how will end c:

8439700

I hope I can make it as good

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8440372
Me too ^^ i hope there is soon coming a new chapter i have deep hope in this story

Excellent story overall, but a few things to consider, as far as grammar and such.

She picked him up and slammed his face against a mirror, the entire world was gone now, it was a black void with a mirror just flouting there, the ground was a sickly grey.

Consider: the mirror

Twilight showed Eclipse around town, the different markets, The Boutique, SaugerCube Corner, she showed Eclipse all around town, but whenever a pony would walk by she would hide under Twilight, it was actually very cute, she decided that was enough for today and started walking back to the castle with Eclipse.

Needless repetition, a run-on sentence, and a few minor grammatical errors. I would write: Twilight showed Eclipse around town; the boutique, SugarCube Corner, and the other miscellaneous markets and stores, but whenever a pony would walk by she would hide under Twilight, it was actually very cute. She decided that was enough for today and started walking back to the castle with Eclipse.

"I wanna read some books" Eclipse said looking up at twilight, he didn't really read to much besides fiction p, he was interested in the library because he had no idea what was in this world, this library should have enough of the information he needed.

Interesting placement of the 'p', I'll chalk it up to a typo.
Replacing the second comma ',' with a period '.' should help with continuity. Similar situation with the third.

"Alright I'm always happy to let a filly read" Twilight smiled and walked with Eclipse into the library "alright how many books do you wanna read?".

There are a few thing I would change about this one, so I'll just rewrite it.
"Alright, I'm always happy to let a filly read." Twilight smiled, walking into the library with Eclipse. "How many books do you want to read?"
Minor grammar, the word 'wanna' can stay though, as it's a sort of informal word.

Just remember, all of these are suggestions, and nothing more.

In a story every detail must has a purpose, and something i often found in this type of stories is that the human trait is mostly...pointless. Why is it needed for the main character to be human?, you can remove the human portion of the story and it wouldn't change anything important (for now), was it to make him more relatable? was it to make him play the role of victim? it feels on the verge of a self-insert, and the torture on a protagonist you know nothing about just makes it less relatable.

Some authors introduce humans to the plot for their technological advancements, other use them for their great capacity for either violence or stoicism, and a few use them just to have an outsiders perspective.

I recommend you to think... why its important for the plot and the character that he is human,whats the purpouse to its origin.

Maybe you already thought of this and i am for a surprise in the next chapter, i don´t know. I just want to see this to grow into a good story, as every reader wants.

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I wanted to leave his backstory hidden and it will expand more in later chapters, it will reveal somethings and I hope explain some of what you said

First Twilight tries to kill Eclipse, next Twilight's friends instinctual reaction and now the princesses.....

you're using " ` " when you should be using " ' " :P

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:twilightsmile: don't worry mores in the works

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....honestly I have no idea how to make it correct

8508853
the issue may just be on my end...
but what I found is the use of the backward single quote(?) (under the tilda ~) when it should be the normal single quote (under the quote ")

At last i have the defined time to read it, just to leave me with the feeling for more c:

Can't wait for more!!! Really loving this story bro!! :yay:

I would have a second look at this chapter there’s a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes.

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I fixed one I found, I didnt see other ones

14 Days no update (crasy chuckel) :pinkiecrazy: evrything will be fine...

This is awesome like samurai tribes

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I'm not really sure what that means but thanks :twilightsmile:

8542024
Do you know what a samurai is?

8542738
Well imagine an entire army going against another army that use guns that how cool this story is

8542743

Wow thanks:twilightsmile:

I'm glad you like it so much :pinkiehappy:

I can’t tell if NMM personality got put in or Eclipse is still still fully in control.

8547742
is more like they mixed like in past sin nix after it all still acted like she did before but had nightmare moons temper

I still personally want some from of you suck speach but this is cool

You might want to say this is a bonus chapter as it is literally a retelling of ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’.

8592024
Yeah but the entire chapter feels a bit rushed, in fact this chapter seems to ruin the pacing of the story for me, and there are rules against the retelling of other stories with ponies, not sure if this breaks the rules.
Edit Rainbowdash is spelled Rainbow Dash

It’s still marked as incomplete and there are more then a few grammar and spelling errors.

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