• Member Since 19th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Kamen rider yokai

Part of the displaced group. Likes adventure, machines and foxes with cats. Dragon fan and part of toa coy's writer group.


Well this is a really bad situation. Not only have I went to brony con dressed as flutterbat but I just had to buy that replica of crescent rose and a replica of a Gothic Victorian era dress. So here I am as a humaniod vampiric fluttershy being hunted by the princesses while hiding out with my 'twin'. I'm not shy but it's up to me to stop any of the more dark oriented monsters from attacking ponyville at night while trying to prevent getting killed by Celestia who confused me for a corrupted fluttershy. Sometimes a girl just can't go anywhere without something strange happening. (Cover art is the closest to what I had in mind)

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 114 )

6377857 first off thank you and second don't use that video on my stories for the comments in the future for some reason that head just freaks me out more then chuck the maniquin.

This feels extremely rushed, not only that you brought up that Celestia might mistake Flutterbat for a corrupted version of Fluttershy two times in one chapter. Why not just say she's going to mistake her for being a corrupted version right now, its not like it could be anymore obvious. Next is the fact that she is able to fly immediately after she wakes up with no training. She immediately spills the beans to Fluttershy that she pretty much knows the future, making her knowledge of future events completely null and void due to her involvement. Next is the fact that Fluttershy is taking this WAY to well. I mean, random stranger shows up looking almost exactly like you with a few aditional features and claims she is both: A) From another world, and B) pretty much her biological sister. The worst part of this is that Fluttershy just shrugs it off like it's a daily occurance.

I'm sorry for the wall of text, but while this story has potential it is off to a very bad start. I'd suggest rewriting it and maybe getting someone to bounce ideas off of for future chapters. Maybe get them to help you write the next chapter.

Celestia is being completely unreasonable, Fluttershy's family just committed a crime forging documents, which they somehow did in just several hours with little to no knowledge. Fluttershy's family just accepted Flutterbat into their family no questions asked. She immediately gains Angel's trust after one night. For some reason Princess Celestia is in Phillydelphia and not holding day court in Canterlot even though her sister just got back from a thousand year confinement sentence, probably forcing her to hold court in her place even though she probably doesn't know all the laws and most likely at the mercy of the nobles as we speak. Fluttershy's father is being unreasonable, and not only that he pretty much tells PRINCESS CELESTIA to kindely fuck off... Yeah... I'd suggest rewriting this chapter too.

6377864 Celestia hunt flutterbat or fluttershy it remind of Sir You Are Being Hunted

6377956 well of course it does this is a Victorian styled version of equestria with some lore taken from vampire stories as I noted they look like they fit that era. So you might see more vampire related stuff in the future. Right now the first part takes place before the gala where I plan to have celestia realize she had made a mistake.

6377889 for one it kinda is a daily occurrnce I mean look at what the mane six deal with thoughout the show at that point not much could phase them when something odd happens. Remember the bugbear? But you did bring up some good points about the fact flutterbat knew how to fly so quick. It was possibly instinct from her new body. She is still learning how to get used to it. Shes just applying her knowledge of vampires on her abilities there trying to see what she has. And the celestia thing will be explained next chapter.

6377926 also this is equestria most ponies beleive anything or do I need to point out a certain trio that cause the usual ponyville panic that was revealed during slice of life?

6378012 Slice of life? If that was an episode in season 5 then I'm sorry but I stopped watching after season 4.

6378033 yes it is so you pretty much wont understand why most ponies can accept that at face value. Plus ponies in equestria tend to have different ideas of normal. Its a world of magic so things that make sense for a human is going to be slightly skewed here. And yes ponies do beleive almost anything remember trixie and her boasts? After that I saw ponies tend to belief a lot. A certain comic with a minotaur and applossa comd to mind for example.

So... This chapter confuses me. Where in the timeline is it? I think it's in season one, but when in season one is it? In the first chapter they had just gotten the tickets, but now apparently Twilight knows about Pinkie sense indicating that at least a week has passed even if you mix up the episode order.

6378108 it's been a long time since I saw the season so my memory of events are a bit off okay.

Comment posted by mrkillwolf666 deleted Sep 4th, 2015

It's really a *D'aww* chapter but like the dud said slow your role a little bit please...

6378108 The events could be in a different order he doesn't need to stick to the script shall we say..
Also not everyone has perfect memory but I get what you're saying.:twilightsmile:

6378807 you didn't see the author note at the end of chapter three didn't you. I said the next few chapters won't be out for a while. My mother is in the hospital with both cancer and pneumonia. Until I know if she's going to make it out or not my writing is effectively on hold as I can't think on the story due to my worry.

Remember to cap the name of the characters and places cause most of the time you seem to be leaving them lower cased

im going to say this right now YOU NEEED AN EDITOR!!!! or learn to edit better yourself. This has the potential for a intriguing story but its written poorly;the authors note felt more natural than the wrest of the piece.

What I've read so shows great potential, there are however a few things, like capital letters missing from names, as well as there is no indication when there is a switch in either POV or when there's a new scene.

I will would complain about how OOC Fluttershy felt, but I'll let it slide since the story has an AU tag on it. Also the fact that she would be cam and accepting about meeting herself...

Another complaint would be how fast the story is progressing. It feels a bit rushed in the sense that there is nothing to flesh the story out, almost like only the absolutely necessary is included.

The concept however, is great and I enjoyed the story none the less. Keep up the good work.

I wish your mother will and that she heals up soon.

6390431 I'm sorry everyone but just yesterday I received word that she passed away I'm going to be taking a break from writing to greave and may try to remember the times I had with her. Her cancer and pneumonia plus her already degrading body had been to much for her. When I get things back in order I will be back but I am officially dedicating this story to her as I started on it when she went to the hospital. So with that said I have no idea how long this will take so I'm going to put my account on hiatus until I can find myself again. At least I know she's no longer in pain.

6391541 my mother recently died! I will continue but first I have to get my emotions back on track and properly greave. any more of these types of comments are just going to set my temper off. And considering I'm dutch Irish you don't want to see me not emotionally balanced with the tempers the Irish are known for. Just let me have time to sort out this first. Trust me when I say you are being a bit insensitive here. It was Litterally only been a day since she died here!

awesome premise but sadly poorly executed.
Too rushed and fast paced, you need an editor, I got through half the chapter before I finally couldn't take anymore. I am not trying to put you down, I am just saying you may need a little help and a couple of revisions. If you got that I will probably be back to read it.

Good luck to you though, I hope it does good :twilightsmile:

6393562 have you read the recent comments? Because life just decided to throw me a curveball out of left feild. I'm going to try and do those once things are not feeling like my heart got torn out.

Sorry to say this mate, but your story needs a serious overhaul. This is the type of story I would call rushed exposition and nothing else. We are constantly reading characters telling about stuff that happened. The actual stuff that happens is there for a second before you repeat it in a wall of text afterwards. Also you should get someone to look over the grammar of this story since the mistakes were starting to feel like punches to the face.
Another problem I have with the story is that it all feels very forced. Everything just happens suddenly and without any explanation. The best example of this is the meeting between sky and fluttershy where they meet and instantly everything is a-ok. If suddenly someone that looked like you came to you and said the stuff sky said I think you would not instantly say ok come to my house and I will pretend to be your sibling.

So if you look past all the critic review about your style or that you need a editor, I personally don't care about all that. I just want the story and I loved it. I get it and it's awesome! Please continue it! It's a different perspective I've never seen before.

6411236 I'm working on it I just have to make sure to pace myself here.

I like it. This was better then some of the more recent stories I've come across.

6480286 thanks and as I got the au tag up I don't have to follow episode order for events!

Interesting story. I look forward to the next few chapters.

Do you have an editor? I don't mean to be rude, but you need one. The typos distract from an otherwise great story.

6937743 when I can find a way not to blow up the battles on here out of porportion. After seeing gurren lagann I found it difficult not to make the battles of my stories on the kind of scale of it where it isn't needed. I have to relearn restraint there before I update this story.

7190292 I'm working on it but insomnia takes a lot out of my will to write even when it's the only thing I do all day.

7603814 yep. Mainly so I don't go the overpowered route. I rather my characters be believable not unreal. I like curbstomps for comedy sure but escalation is hard to prevent. Which is why I decided to focus on one story for now so I can handle it.

7604607 I can comprehend that logic. And, due to my sleep deprived state (woke up Tuesday, at 05:30. Still going.), I will count that as a win on my behalf. So, I accept your answer as valid, and sound.

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