- Member Since 16th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen 12 hours ago
Slateblu1
I love to write, and I'll write just about anything. I seem to be most well known for my stupid little comedy pieces though...
Slateblu1
Joined 16th Sep, 2012 ·
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This is quite well written and I, well, I won't go as far as to say I "enjoyed" it, because with a piece like this how can you, but it's definitely the type of story that makes you stop and think.
Definitely worth reading.
Holly sweet mother of justice was this.
😦
So, another story of Sunset killing her double? This danm creepypasta/theory sure got popular.
This was amazingly well done, and expertly put together. Though it stretched my expectation of what this would be about, it wasn't unbelievable. Well done, I thoroughly enjoyed this!
Oh... Damn.
Ok sounding grim but erm can this be continued I mean you had pinkie aj and dash leave her people are bound to want to know what they did after leaving as well as if they can still accept sunset as a friend and hopefully after enough time someone from equestria can work out a way to bring sunset back from evening and maby just maby see if sunset can be allowed to return home but so she can see her family before she dies or for the funeral of her parents under armed giard
I.. just... cannot....
I just feel that after having done that kind of action and confronted by her saviour and best friends, Sunset should be more emotional? I don't know, but the reaction and action of Sunset & Mane 6 feels very wrong.
I ached for resolution for Evening's and by that, also Sunset's own.
The condition now is catch-22 situation. If Evening is manipulated/treated into her former-self then it is contrary to her own free will even if her will had been created by Sunset. But if let be Sunset will never have her resolution instead an never ending self-punishment that will constantly triggered by interacting with Evening.
Imho an improvement to the situation will be by reconstruct/training/conditioning/brainwashing/Whatever-it-takes-ing/teaching Evening's to be a better Evening's. If Evening is as talented as Sunset, I think at least Sunset owe Evening a self-made future. tl;dr Sunset should be best mom for Evening and prepare Evening to have her own life, happiness, and struggle without having to be dependent to Sunset.
Thanks for the nice thought-provoking story.
It hit all the wrong button in my temper.
8383167
Agreed
Disturbing, and unresolved. As a headcanon dump, while it's interesting enough, all we can do is say 'that's horrible'. There is no true ending here, the story just... stops.
Still, not badly written, but there is definitely room for improvement.
Holy shit.
Adding this to my separate folder for Dark stories. It certainly fits.
So at the start this looked like it could be a thoughful piece on Sunset feeling ashamed of how she screwed over her dimensional twin for fun and profit, only to cheerfully careen off into grimderp.
I know the idea of Sunset torturing and violating her twin is supposed to be dark and horrifying, but the mental image of Sunset as a psychological torture technician rapist with a maid fetish is so over the top that i just can't take it seriously.
I would give this an "Unintentional Comedy" tag.
I have to say, Sunset got a most befitting punishment. She must look at the woman she destroyed and be reminded of the atrocities Sunset committed against her for the rest of there lives. And she will never get to try and rebuild any bridges she burned in Equestria.
So, how many of her friends will Sunset lose?
I am going to assume Princess Twilight found all this out after the Battle of the Bands?
I do wonder where that 'Evening's' parent are during all this?
8383399
This is the exact reasoning for Twilight's punishment. Sunset gets no resolution and will have to remember what she did for the rest of their lives.
8382519
What other story has Sunset killing her double? This is the first one I read. Even though, technically, Sunset didn't kill her... which I think would have been far more merciful than this.
This is one of the darkest stories I have ever finished reading.
This story just didn't work for me. At all.
From a technical angle, the story is very much an infodump to backbuild how psychology works in Equestria in order to build Sunset up as a master of mental manipulation that imprisons her doppelganger and brainwashes her into total servitude and loyalty, even love. The rubik's cube metaphor is a bit forced, and the idea of Sunset using a toy to illustrate her point was a bit silly. As is making "Evening" wear the maid's outfit. And where are Evening's family during all this, if Sunset lives in a mansion shouldn't there be some sort of caretakers or other servants, especially if her parents are absent?
I must ask, why would Sunset do this? Yeah she was a "different person" under Celestia, but if she's this evil that she'd commit such acts, why wouldn't she just kill Evening? Why would she take the chance that someone could come across the Evening and start asking questions? Why would she keep Evening around as her servant when this girl has done absolutely nothing to her? Like, dark and horrific as the acts are, I could see Sunset in her evil days doing this to the human Twilight, exacting a revenge-by-proxy on her rival's double. You make Sunset so evil, such a sociopathetic monster, but provide no reason or explanation for why she does these things to Evening.
That's not even getting into the really uncomfortable point that you try to make Sunset a victim in this as well. She is NOT the victim. I know you want us to feel sorry for her, that she does truly regret what she's done and must live forever with the shame and guilt, but that is really cancelled out by how awful her crime is. I could see that sympathy angle working if Sunset had just killed her doppelganger, but not for this kind of stuff. Sunset is one of my favorite characters but even I'm really trying to reach to get to where you are on your intended reaction to this story.
This story just goes too far to take it seriously. It's torture porn of the psychological kind, and it also really strains the suspension of disbelief with how greatly this backstory clashes with Sunset Shimmer. These are the actions I would expect of, say, Albinocorn's "Sunset of Time" Sunset, not the canon Sunset. It's like building backstory for Regina George that reveals her to be Ramsay Bolton. It just doesn't work.
To be honest, the story could have been better. this feels more incomplete to me and should be edited or even proofread by someone.
Well written and worth the read, but I have to agree with DrakeyC here. Sunset is not the victim, she's the perpetrator of an act so heinous that honestly, I have to say she should have been executed. There is no justice short of a death sentence for what she's done, considering the horrors she visited upon "Evening."
And like DrakeyC said, it's like adding a backstory for someone who's personality did a total 180. It goes beyond what any reformation could accomplish. It's like looking into Betty White's backstory and finding out she was responsible for the Green River Rape/Murders, or that she talked Ariel Castro into taking those girls and torturing them for years on end. There's redeeming yourself from being an MLP villain, and then there's...whatever this is.
I still say it's worth the read, but the suspension of disbelief just gets stretched way too thin to really call it "good." Maybe I'm biased because I hate the "Death of Personality" trope, as it's overused as fuck and actually unrealistic: just look at Ariel Castro's kidnap victims, who went through way worse shit than any of the most depraved fuckers on this site can dream up and still came out strong in the end, albeit in need of some therapy to go on with their lives. I like the explanation using the Rubik's cube, but at the same time I can't believe that any of it would really be as simple to implement as any of these fics make it out to be. And again, I want to reiterate, SUNSET IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE. She is the perpetrator who got off DAMN light for what she did. Even if she'd failed to break Evening, I'd still say she'd deserve nothing less than the executioner's axe.
8383923
In this situation, the death sentence would be a mercy to Sunset. She has committed a crime so horrible, death is not punishment enough. Also, "Evening" needs someone to take care of her, and there is still that tiny, minute, almost nonexistent, chance that Sunset could improve Evening's mental health, at least a little bit. I don't think there's any hope of bringing the original Sunset back, but there is a chance that she could become a normally functioning human again. So, in a way, while this was the cruelest punishment Princess Twilight could have created for Sunset, it is, in it's own way, the kindest punishment, especially for Evening, who currently depends entirely on Sunset for her own happiness.
8383845
8383923
These two pretty much summed up everything I could have said about this story, so I'm just going to add that my insides squirmed as I read this, and at the end, I downvoted it. Sorry, but this crosses too many lines.
Being a huge fan of Silent Ponyville, I am quite interested in what would've happened if someone would put both Sunset and Evening through the Mind Delve spell. It is a psychological spell after all.
8384064
To be fair, I gave it a thumbs up, but just for the writing. I just can't fave something that breaks suspension of disbelief just to squeeze a bit more grimdark out of a concept that was barely believable to start with.
Hot. Since this is torture porn without the torture, try adding some flair next time and show the good st-Sorry, that was mean. It's an interesting idea to a point but the above were right. I know Baconhair LOOKS like EqG Sunset but acting like her? What about PINs and security questions? Bank accounts and loved ones? Taxes on that Saints Row crib she has? There are a number of plot holes pretty large here that need filling. Again, a BIT better than the Baconhair-kills-Baconhair I was expecting if only for the psychological aspect of it. But yeah, mechanically well written but lacking some polish and fill. No down from me but I can't say it was 'great'.
Also, how the fuck did rainbow beam fix Jeffery Dahmer there Jesus.
If this happened to me, as in have my mind broken, I’d honestly prefer someone euthanize whatever is left of me then let it live on.
If I’m not ‘me’ anymore, if my mind is compromised to the point that I lose lets say 40% of my normal fully functinoing consceousness with no way of reversing it I would honestly wish whatever is left of me would be put down reguardless of if it’s happy.
To me that thing living on would be a greater crime then killing my mind.
(Keep in mind this only applies to this very spefic line of thought. Losing a limb(s) or having something else happen to my mind would obviously have a different reaction. I just mean under these specific circumstances, if I was allowed to look into the future and decide if it should die, I’d say yes, definately, kill that disgusting thing. I don’t care that it is part of the punishment for the guilty party that caused it.)
So far, other than the opening pacing being rushed and the pacing abrubt, this is my only real complaint. The whole point of the EG world was that, initially, it had no magic. So this entire premise is built on something that couldn't have happened the way Sunset is describing it.
Additionally, how did Sunset manage this considering her alternate's parents/guardians should have been around? I fail to see how parents, even poor parents, would not notice the tied up girl resembling their daughter in the basement.
I...I really don't see this as being their reactions. Fluttershy's is fine, but no matter how good their friendship is, Sunset just admitted to raping her counterpart on top of essentially murdering her. The fact that they aren't stunned or violently reacting and refusing to stay the night just doesn't sit right with me, and doesn't seem like a realistic response, given what we know of their characters.
So, Twilight refuses to remove Sunset's memories of what she did, but is perfectly okay with the Elements of Harmony rewriting Sunset to remove her villainous tendencies?
If intentional, I honestly like the discrepancy here; mind control magic used to make a "good" person is good, but when used for malicious purposes it's "bad", despite the fact that in both cases you're essentially murdering someone.
If it's not intentional, then this is a point I doubt you intended to bring up and likely detracts from the story.
This is also problematic because Sunset's punishment just...isn't. She's forced to watch over Evening Shine for the rest of her days? How is this exactly a punishment, if Evening is still doing the same things and shows little signs of recovery? This just doesn't really add up to me.
Sadly, you missed a chance here. If you'd gone with the elements actually rewriting Sunset into a new "good" person, then to punish her for what she did before would be akin to punishing Evening for something she did before Sunset's arrival. But, if she was forced to acknowledge Sunset as a new person with genuine regret and guilt, I can accept Twilight would punish Sunset this way.
So overall, I don't find the character reactions entirely believable, the premise itself couldn't have happened as magic just wasn't possible on the EG side, and finally, the fact that no help is coming for Evening Shine despite the fact that she has been clearly identified as a victim is just troubling and speaks of neglect or ignorance on Twilight's part.
Still, not a bad dark story, and it does hold potential, although it lacks real impact being told like this. Spread over several chapters, with showing rather than telling this story, it'd be real interesting.
8384325
*squints* I know that Avatar. *rumbles around his unfinished favorites before pulling out a picture* A-ha! Here we go, I knew I recognized you, what the fuck are you doing here writing something that isn't a new chapter of "Oh to be Old Again"?
Kidding, lord knows I need to do something other than read new H.I.E. stories like fucking update mine OTL
Also yeah, no down vote here (on account I literally couldn't read past physical disfigurement and rape) but fuck this story. Add implied rape and torture to your god damn trigger warning as at this point psychological trauma is literally the tamest thing in here.
I actually want more of this like just sunsets life on having to deal with all this
8384434
No, the lements of harmony don;t rewrite a person, it purifies or forces one to face their sins, empathy.
Sunset was rule dby rage, jealous, madness and lust for power, peopel can be overwelmed by sheer rage or become obessed over somone or something in real life.
the elements strip them of that obession and makes them face what they done, or actted, like lifting the blind fold off someone.
Aslo I thinkit's a proper punishment, because not even the elements can fix Sunset's counter part, she broken beyond measure.
so Sunset having to care for her, and seeing the conqunces of her actions is apporite.
Your writing is pretty good, but I don't think any writer would be good enough to sell this concept in a story this short without a serious AU label. No matter how much Sunset was a "different person" in the past, you need a lot more background to explain why the girl who wouldn't hurt a puppy and whose notions of psychological manipulation involved sending fake text messages and hoping no one ever talked to each other about it could or would do something this crazy and evil.
Well that was something. From a story perspective i think there are a few holes that make it hard to get around and truly "enjoy" the story, i mean enjoy in the loosest possible terms seeing as to what the subject matter is about. From a writing and technical perspective i think it was pretty well done. It got the idea across well, albeit maybe a bit rushed and exposition dumpy.
Honestly the reactions of the girls was about as well as i could imagine it. A person did horrible horrible things in the past but has changed, do you leave as AJ and Dash did, or do you stick with the person they have become as the rest did? I dont think there truly is a "correct" answer in that situation. If there is no "fixing" Evening then this is the only thing Sunset can do is to keep her happy in her own broken world.
Overall good job and congratz on the feature!
Needs a second chapter, just so we can see how AJ, RD, and PP respond after thinking.
So, what you're saying, Sunset, is that majored in psychology in Celestia University? Man, that sucks. Anyway...
One mocha frappuccino, please, and hold the whip.
This story would be great for a Chapter 2 or a Sequel
8384580
Agree... such excessive evilness in her former life would haunt her every waking moment if in fact her reformation was genuine. Such a Sunset Shimmer would have severe psychological trauma herself and would most likely never be able to smile or laugh again... which is completely contrary to her canon persona. AU indeed...
I don't feel like this does enough with the idea. You present us with it...and then the story just ends.
Additionally, there are several places where it seems you're attempting to impress upon on how extreme something is, but these attempts fall completely flat. For example, you have Rarity expressing skepticism that taking care of Evening is a suitable punishment. Sunset then explains that execution is rare in Equestria, but that Sunset's crime is exactly the case where Equestria considers execution appropriate. This doesn't exactly drive home the idea that taking care of Evening is suitable punishment. It tells us that she got off more easily than would be normal.
Sunset then tells us how terrible it is that she has to take care of the person she destroyed and enslaved. Do you see how having to take care of the slave you created, isn't much of a punishment? She was obviously doing that anyway right? And yet Sunset acts is if this is some cruel and unusual punishment to be forced to feed and care for her slave. To ensure the "happiness" of the person she mindscrewed into being happy serving her.
"Slave! I have been commanded to ensure your happiness. So make me a sandwich!"
"Oh, yes mistress! I would love to!"
"Oh woe is me, such punishment having to keep Evening happy. <pout>"
Do you see how this is really not such a terrible thing? And yet you have Sunset in tears over this. And then you casually toss in that she's been banished from Equestria. Oh noes! And then immediately in the next sentence clarify that she actually can visit Equestria, provided it's with permission and supervision.
"For your punishment, you will forever be banished from the place you voluntarily left on your own! Mwahahahah! Oh, except you can visit sometimes. Mwahahahaha!!!"
I'm just not feeling it. Every step of the way you're completely pulling all the fire out of everything you're saying.
Then for the final "wow" you tell us that she's not allowed to see her family, prompting Fluttershy to hug her and Rarity to be surprised that Twlight would be so harsh.
Uhh....really? This is a crime that would ordinarily be punished by death. Dead people don't usually get to see their family either, right? But dead people don't live in luxurious mansions attended to for life by the mindscrewed slaves they stole the mansions from. You mention life imprisonment and banishment as other possible punishments...and again, imprisoned and banished people also don't usually live in mansions while being attended to by the people they stole the mansions from.
You had this idea, and it's an interested idea but the delivery falls very flat. You're pulling all of the weight of impact out of it.
8384552 It really depends on how you interpret them, and I admit there's no right answer. Probably should have made that clearer in my post, but oh well.
You could say the elements purify a person of the evil inside them, and that fits rather well with the perception that Luna was possessed by some malevolent spirit to become NMM. I find that a bit dull and cliche, however, and find it more interesting that Luna became NMM of her own volition. To this end, it's hard to describe NMM as true "evil", more a dark gray. Working on this, what could the elements do but rewrite her, if she lacks a true "evil" to purify?
I find this particularly relevant with Sunset Shimmer. Before the elements, she was arrogant, power hungry, and cared little for others. She is not the type of girl to cry, even if she is beaten. Post Rainbow Laser of Doom, she's crying and regretting every action she's taken in a perfect little "moral" lesson. She went from willing to murder to regretful and repentant in under a minute. Even NMM never directly tried to murder the mane 6.
Anyway, the thing is this is how I believe the Elements work, but I admit different interpretations could work for different stories.
But, if the elements do work as you say by more or less installing empathy in those it blasts, then this gives even LESS reason for Sunset to be punished the way she is. Sunset isn't a different person, she's still the same individual that raped Evening and broke her mind. The only difference is Sunset feels guilt for her actions.
As for Evening, she's still going to live with the abuser who raped her and broke her mind...
That just doesn't sit right, and I'm by no means convinced the damage is permanent. Did they take Evening to Equestria to be examined by leading psychologists? Would Celestia simply give up on someone ever resuming a normalish life?
In a sense it is poetic, I admit. To be forced to care for the victim you made. But, it just doesn't work here in my opinion. A similar thing would be to have someone murder a mother, and then because they felt the slightest guilt they have to take care of the children that watched them murder the mother.
Anyway, I've said about all I want to on the subject. Have a nice day now.
8383845
8385018
8383923
I can't accept this being cannon. Because the sheer insanely diabolical things that Sunset did before being reformed do not fit with her portrayal in Equestria Girls where she just used texts, badly edited photos, and convincing two idiots to do as she says. Hell, her whole plan depended on the Humane-Six not to talk to each other!
If Sunset Shimmer was hit with the Soul Purification Rainbow Beam that she was hit with in the first Equestria Girls movie and then it turns out that she did all of THIS. She wouldn't be able to smile or live with herself ever again, hell she would have killed herself ages ago.
HELL, the Sunset Shimmer I know probably left Celestia's side because she considered her too merciful on evil, and left to human land as a massive fuck you to Princess Celestia. Then the hormones, combined with her being on the streets for months, (getting robed, raped, possibly even having attempts on her life to sell her organs) only for her to loose it at some point and find the real human Sunset Shimmer and kill her and her family, steal anything she can from them afterwards and then live in some basement with millions of dollars worth of stolen goods living the life of her counterpart. Without anyone being the wiser.
The above is less evil and far less insane than what was hinted at this story. And would be something less cruel than what we heard. THINK ON THAT!
Hm, I think it was a nice read for an one-shot, but the characterization of Sunset? It was wayyyy to AU for my tastes, sorry. And it just didn't work what you tried to convey, yes, Sunset was sincerely sorry, but that just doesn't cut it. There are just crimes which can never be "forgiven". This, well, completely perverted form of torture of human Sunset counts to these examples.
It would be like an author tried to write a "Cupcake" story with Pinkamena's "redemption". It just doesn't work, because the crimes are on so many levels so cruel, so insane, so evil that I simply couldn't feel any pity for this Sunset version at all.
But as I said, that was way to AU for me anyway.
Was the earlier Sunset arrogant and self-centered? Yes, she was.
Was the former Sunset prideful to the highest degree and the queen of bullies? Of course.
But was the former Sunset a psychopath who was so angry and disappointed by Celestia's decision to commit such heinous and unforgiving acts? Not in a hundred years.
So to sum it up, interesting read, but just not my cup of tea. This Sunset is just completely mad if she's truly capable of something like that.
I'm sorry but its just too over the top.
Kidnapping, torture, disfigurement, slavery, brainwashing/mind control, then rape thrown on top?
Doing what amounts to fucking herself, or herself in a maids uniform?
(Which is beyond weird in so many ways.)
It just seems like you threw every crappy thing you could think of against the wall, just to show us how evil Sunset was. Then like others said, tried to make us feel bad for her, because she has to take care of her.
Not to mention, as others pointed out, where are her parents? Other household staff? Friends? Hell, even the paperboy should wonder why he never sees her anymore.
She cant ever leave the house, since you have her covered in scars, so does Sunset use the family Lexus to get food? And use her credit cards? Bank accounts? Did anyone from magic pony land try and help Evening? In no real way has anything changed for Sunset, other than you telling us she feels bad.
And Rarity Twi and Fluttershy throwing any moral outrage they SHOULD have, out the window. Was a bit much too I think, given that everyone hated her, when she was just a petty bitch. But now they find out she's done stuff 10000x's worse they still stay with her and try to cheer her up?
Because real friends really do help you move bodies I guess.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a dick here, but if you just took some stuff out, it could be a pretty good dark story.
Um...well. That was interesting, and I liked it. But...does anyone else feel like this should be a rated T? Because it feels like a rated T.
Aside from that, the ending doesn't feel like an ending. It doesn't really give us closure, I mean. But still it was well written and very well executed.
kudos!
8/10
8383845
8385018
8383923
Yeah.... Had I read these before I wouldn't have written anything else myself. But I agree with them. This entire story is just beyond understanding.
Kay... Really interesting concept, especially the bits about using advanced psychology, but I wasn't sure about some of the stuff near the end... Like, the nonchelance with which Sunset described how Twilight reacted, or just that whole thing in general. I also felt like you needed to get more into what Sunset was doing to fix what she'd done. I'm also not sure what happened to the parents in this...
Other than that, good concept for a short, dark story, and you wrote it decently enough. :3
8385492
Yeah, seemed like a T to me...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
8385636
Pretty much sums up my reaction reading this.
8385666
Ah, I see you too appreciate how hilarious suffering is.
8385583
Maybe you aren't seeing something that I am. Like, logically this is WAY too evil. It's beyond forgiveness.
Whoa. This is dark.
8385724
No it's not. Somewhere around the maid outfit it curved right back into being hilariously overplayed.
8385671
Indeed. Good drama dances on a fine line. You can only throw so much suffering at a character until it becomes funny again.
I've always had a headcanon that Sunset murdered her human counterpart in order to take her place. I know that might seem pretty messed up, but THIS?. No. Just no.
The overall story is well crafted and dark, but I have to raise doubt on this idea that I've seen elsewhere, that ponies are more advanced than humanity in the social sciences, especially psychology. We haven't seen any evidence of that, but we've certainly seen things like Party of One, where Pinkie has a full-on dissociative disorder breakdown, and we never see her meet with an actual psychologist. We also see things like Loosy Screws, a deeply disturbed individual that not only has pony social services failed completely, but they keep her locked up in the regular hospital, since Equestria's mental health services are still not advanced enough to have dedicated facilities apart from regular medical facilities.
Now, from the song in the most recent episode, we know ponies do have the idea of mental health and the psychology profession, but it's in no way shown to be any more advanced than our own, and quite probably more primitive.