• Member Since 19th May, 2012
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Master of certain tangible things, writer, mandalorian. Commission Info



Jake, a new arrival to Equestria, finds himself roped into a high tea with Princess Celestia and a group of snobby nobles. The lunch is boring, the tea is boring, and the nobles are boring. Celestia gives Jake an out, and he takes it, braving a final conversation with one 'Lady Rarity' in the hopes that he can escape the whole boring affair and get a cup of goddamn coffee.

Inspired by the amazing cover art, by SunBusting.

Rated T for snarky language and witty banter.
The sequel to this story is now available.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 198 )

And so begins the epic ship that is Jake/Rarity. Knowing Celestia that was her plan all along.

Celestia: Just as planned. :trollestia:

I KNEW IT! :derpyderp1:

This... is this it? Seriously?

Unacceptable, this story is too good to end here. I demand more!

:pinkiehappy: I loved this! What a great story

8121175 It might get a sequel. I don't know where I'm taking this thing, yet, I'm just having fun with it.

Is cute.

"No," you said, after a moment, "n
Wrong PoV, though.

8121275 Nice catch. Thank you!

Very enjoyable I must say. Well written (though a few grammatical errors), light hearted and something I would enjoy reading again .

8121110 i thought match making was cadances job?

Cadance is merely the student while Celestia is the *true* master matchmaker. :rainbowlaugh:

I like tea... :C

For a "saint", she wasn't all that forgiving.

Elisha had two she-bears maul something like 40 kids for called him a 'bald head' (which was an ancient way of saying 'empty head' or as we'd say now 'retard'). You did not want to screw with Elisha. He could summon bears. Probably bees too.

Now, to be fair... I'd do that too. Especially if the little whipper-snappers were on my lawn again! Dang kids! (Alondro is crotchety and old now that he's over 40.)

The ponies had done an admirable job of accommodating some of my more carnivorous needs, as the castle was used to dealing with dignitaries with different diets from the ponies, but the staff that served me dishes with meat always looked a little green around the gills.

I always giggle at the thought of the poor cow who gets chosen as the sacrifice to the ravenous human, "Sorry Bessie, but this alien guy needs to devour your flesh!" It's funny because it's morbid. :pinkiecrazy:

8121110 Poor Spike is left out in the cold... broken-hearted...

And that's when he turns to evil! :yay:

This was an incredibly enjoyable read, Props. I enjoyed Jake's interaction with Celestia and Raven, as well as Rarity immensely. I haven't in my reading on this site seen much of writers showcasing Rarity's more playful side, so it was a really nice surprise to get to enjoy it here.

While I feel like the story ended a little too soon, I've already read your blog about there being a sequel planned, so I eagerly await to see where the story progresses from here. Great job! :twilightsmile:


Celestia nodded, giving a smile to the ponies who were chattering away around you.

I found another accidental 2nd-person reference left behind. :derpyderp1:

ima ship it. also do we have hope for sequel...ship or not?
also+ you get a like and fav


Excellent Title. :moustache:

Too bad that there is only one chapter. This couldve been a full story

I loved this! So cute! :twilightsmile:

and I returned it with a practiced shit-eating grin.

Best f**king description ever! :rainbowlaugh:

Fun and cute, without feeling saccharine. A nice change from the typical feature box fare. I liked this. Not nearly enough coffee, though.

8121490 That, and if anything, Cadence was probably in the background, covertly doing the love magics.

Cadence's whole power over love thing is kinda scary when you think about it considering there is no clear idea as to what extent she can manipulate people in that capacity.

Loved it, would be nice to see a sequel with more political manuevering

The likes are at 66 and the dislike is 6 :trollestia:
I'm gonna have to change that's because this story is pretty good:moustache:

Dude.... bro.... more


He could summon bears. Probably bees too.

I knew the Bible had melee and mage classes, but I didn't realize it also had a summoner class! All it needs now is a ranger class. :trollestia:

Also, I wonder if Elisha could summon bears with bees in their mouths, so that when they roar they shoot bees at you.

:raritywink: Spikey thank you for watching the boutique, Jake Spike, Spike Jake
:moustache: Jerk?
:duck: Jake
:moustache: Jerk?
:raritywink: Jake
:moustache: Jake?
:duck: Jerk!
:moustache: That's what I heard in the first place

The coffee was scalding hot and had a unique musty but flavorful taste, Damn it was really good, Great even, I had to find out where Rarity got such a fine elixir of the gods.

:duck: It's a special blend of beans dragon roasted for that special flavor!
:moustache: I made some extra special coffee for Jer...Jake....I ran it through twice...
:twilightoops: Spike what did you do?
:moustache: A little pee doesn't hurt
:facehoof: Why me?
:moustache: Her pot was full of tea and she didn't have an extra pot, how else can I boil water?

:derpyderp1: Coffee ? Tea? Milk? everything goes with muffins

This certainly feels like the beginning of a story as opposed to a one-shot. I will say that he and Rarity seem well-matched. Nice to hear from your blog that this is the start of something greater.

Very amusing. I admit Celestia grated, but I'm much like Jake and strongly dislike being manipulated so really you wrote her perfectly. :rainbowlaugh:

I can see Jake the army guy in this position though I'm skeptical he'd be as suave. :raritywink:

I'd love to see more of these two if you have the inclination. Not necessarily as a ship, but just as two kindred souls finding friendship in each other.

8121531 if you guys want Sparity, I literally just wrote a story called Rarity Snuggles Everypony (Whether They Like It Or Not). My tithe to all the Sparity shippers has been fulfilled.

8121674 There will be a sequel.

(Not) An Awful lot of Coffee in Equestria

8121627 Thanks for the catch! It was so strange, actually. Because this was written in such a short time frame (12 hours, for those of you that didn't read the blog), once I switched away from 2nd person... I KEPT slipping up and writing 2nd person. That's some insidious brain games, right there.

:trollestia: All according to plan. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

8122093 Read 'Snuggles :pinkiehappy:
read this too :rainbowlaugh:

:duck::moustache: Prop Master is a word masters master master masters master...
(Spikey counts his claws as the masters roll off his list of masters)

:twilightsmile:thank you

Yeah I'm going to need to borrow the MOL Triumph so I can properly ship Rarity and Jake.

Super cute super fun story.
I haven't read an hie this good for a while.
:ajsmug: Nice job

Now I really want a pastrami sandwich though :pinkiecrazy:

I've never seen what the asshole-in-Equestria genre would look like when written well before.

That said, Rarity is out of character. She genuinely eats this stuff up.

She's about to walk out of the luncheon with the mysterious otherworldly stranger that is otherwise at Celestia's beck and call?

The rumor mill alone will grind out enough satisfaction considering it's with her and none of the others, which on a social ladder is at least worth a rung or two up, whether notoriety or otherwise.

8121974 Why not!

And besides, Moses summoned snakes and frogs and flies and lice and MRSA (all those boils...) and then finally the Angel of Death!

Moses was HARD CORE!!


(Alondro is so getting leprosy for this...) :twilightoops:

8122093 *chuckles* I just hope you'll take note of it in the story. It's basically the most hard-set canon of all the ships. Spike's infatuation with Rarity has existed since Season 1, Episode 1 and lasted to the present day; there's no way Spike's simply going to ignore it and move on.

Comment posted by Therisinghero deleted Apr 27th, 2017


Whew, this one-shot just screams for a sequel (or at least the peanut gallery here is). As for all the comments about shipping Jake and Rarity... meh! Meh I say! This isn't a romance, it's merely friendship, the common bond shared being the black gold of the brewing pot and a far more realistic view of life than the rarified air of snooty nobles. I suspect he'd get along with Applejack just as well since she's a mare with a level head. The rest of them? I dunno, probably in small doses.

I wonder if Jake's ever considered how ponies would react to scritches? And if you scrub lightly at the lower back, does their back leg start kicking the ground? Next time he meets Pinkie he'll have to try it. (Yes yes, I know, the dog trope)

Single chapter is 7,030 words long.
Whole story is 6,899 words long.

Seems legit.

this was way too enjoyable. your writing style is super comfortable to read.

:twilightsmile:This was absolutely delightful! If love to read more into this particular AU, it seems so cozy

Wherever you take it, we shall follow.

'Cuz this s:yay:t's good.

This is too good to be simply a one-shot. I'm kind of wanting more from this.

I sense a glowering Spike in Jake's future....:rainbowlaugh:

One correction:

You're expected for breakfast in the Starswirl Study, in the East Wing."

It is called the Starswirl Lounge everywhere else in the story.

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