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Master of certain tangible things, writer, mandalorian. Commission Info


This story is a sequel to Man Cannot Live On Tea Alone

Jake is a human, pulled into Equestria by a magic mishap. Rarity is a fashionista, businessmare, and all-around interesting pony. Jake and Rarity go out for coffee and conversation, and enjoy each other's company. Can Jake match wits with Rarity? Can he keep up with the savvy, sassy mare that he's come to appreciate?

No. No, probably not.

Rated T for Sassy Waitresses, Blushing Ponies, and Ponies That Are So Cute They'll Make You Die. (Oh, and violence!)

Story inspired by gign-3208's beautiful art.

It is highly recommended you read the prequel story first, but this story can stand on it's own thanks to a preface at the beginning that can bring new readers up to speed.

Special thanks to SS&E, Fourths, and Jern for editing.

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 816 )

And the Jake/Rarity ship continues to go full steam ahead. Again I half suspect that was Celestia's plan the whole time.

Same quality as its predecessor. Good work!

8135632 There are massive re-writes underway, as this story was rejected by a pre-reader. Please come back in an hour or so and check it out once things have been straightened out.

8135681 Clearly, this pre-reader is a drunken sailor going from dive to dive, screaming inaudible words about grammar nazis and proper storylines.


I wouldn't say that, but the entire beginning of the story has been significantly rewritten, adding roughly 1500 new words of content and significantly spacing out the time between Man Cannot Live On Tea Alone and Man Cannot Live On Coffee Alone.

8135704 I shall trust your judgement and berate myself for not being funny.

8135714 It turned into a positive thing. I added a lot of content, so it has significantly improved the story throughout.

8135784 Interesting re-write. It adds without taking away from the main storyline. Nice little insight into Jake's old life.

8135806 Yeah. A passage of time, a new start to the whole story, and even a little in-character recap for new readers. I like it.

Loved it start too finish. Hope to see the next part soon.

Me: Another one! :flutterrage:
Prop: I just gave you another one... :applejackunsure:
Me: Yeah, 'was good, but what about 'second' "another one"? :pinkiecrazy:

The only saving grace of the whole ordeal had been Rarity.

We need a "Fancy Pants sad" emoticon now.

Sapphire! You said so in issue 148 of Mane And Tail Magazine!

hahaha! Have you ever read Ready Player One? There's a similar situation that almost happens in that book.

I just hope Corporal Sapphire isn't too crushed when you don't actually want to use her as a model.

I guess he hasn't learned of the Elements then? Weird.

Indisposed, I'm afraid. The nobles are revolting

Please let this be the joke I'm thinking of...

Nothing. They're just revolting," I said, hazarding the bad joke.

I love you.

letters had been exchanged with Princess Celestia, herself.

Remove that comma


*tête-a-tête (and even after taking French for 5.5 years, I almost forgot the alt code for the "ê")

Margarine trotted away to help other customers, leaving Rarity and I alone again.

Ok, this one, I'm not 100% sure about...I think it should be

*Rarity and me

The way I learned it: remove the other person's name, and which one would make more sense?

So...good luck with that.

That was fast yo. I might edit that original comment in a bit, I see a few editing errors, but nothing major.

8136001 Thank you, anything you spot in the way of typos would be a big help.

It is my sworn duty to stamp out typos. Queen Typeoria can never triumph!

I've got 2 in the original comment (under the dashed line), and I'll see if I spot any more later.

8136188 Yeah, if I like a story that only has one chapter, and will continue to update, i tend to follow/track it

The syrup sure is thick at this diner. :raritywink:

Human with a troubled past may be a bit cliche, but who cares when he's such a smooth operator? Now, off to Ponyville with ye, where teasing pals and adorable sisters await!

I'm confused about how tall are Jake to ponies. Are they just as tall as us or are they just small?

Some parts seems to suggest that their closer to our height.

Anywho, I'm loving this so far! I love the laughs and jokes in the story and hope to see more.

Yo, this chapter was great. You've got great chemistry between all of the characters, and the pacing is perfect. I also added just one last edit that may or may not have to be fixed.

I'm looking forward to chapter 2!

I cannot, and will not, approve of human x pony relations, but this is well done and well written so you will receive an up vote.


the very model of the modern pegasus guardsmare

Eh. Doesn't scan to the tune.

Aw, darn. While I had not yet read the original, I was looking forward to it because I thought it was going to be one of the very, very rare HiE's where a human didn't end up in a romantic relationship with a pony (excluding Displaced where plenty of humans are too busy being idiots to fall in love).
But now I see I was mistaken. At this point, I just want to read more non-romantic HiE's for the sheer novelty since I've read myself sick of their counterpart. What's do you think the ratio is between the two? A hundred romantic-HiE's to every one non-rom?
Guess it's not surprising though. It's not exactly the writers' fault so much as it is the fact that such stories get significantly less attention to their counterparts. Most bronies don't care about humans and ponies being just friends and would rather read stories in line with their own fantasies.
Being only Kind of a Brony myself, such things don't interest me as much.

Great chapter! Loved all the interactions, great work!! :twilightsmile:

So I seem to remember saying in the last story it was too good not to have a sequel, well I see it here now and I was not disappointed, that is a good thing for you! Have a favourite with a side of upvote!

Hmm. Is it possible to write about a romance, but not a relationship? Acknowledge or discuss feeling without action behind it? Love takes many forms and has many ways of expressing itself. I might surprise you.

That being said, it's equally possible that I'm going to write something totally romantic in the classic sense. There's a lot to explore and many ways to tell this kind of story, and I'm going somewhere in-between these two ideas.

I pride myself on writing characters that are complex, and part of my curiosity and fascination with Jake is that (some idealization aside because nobody can be that smooth) I'm trying to keep his reactions in the realm of authentic and realistic. I mean, it's fun to write about a romance, but a romance between two different, sapient species?

Pay attention to what Jake identifies as attractive about Rarity. Think about what they share as people, commonalities in physical form. It's not as cut-and-dry as it might seem, and it's this aspect that I want to dig into, because so many gloss over that as an avenue for storytelling and character growth.

All of that said... if you don't like human x pony romance, you're probably not going to like chapter three, because we're going to bring this whole thing to the fore in that one, and you guys might be a bit uncomfortable with that. No shame in it.

Anyway, there's my two cents.

8136815 Also, the original story stays firmly in the realm of friendly interaction, two adults having fun and being a bit flirty. It would be right up your guys' alley!

Lovely chapter! I know it seems some people are a little disappointed that it went the HiE x Pony romance path, and to each their own, but I personally can never get enough of these. Looking forward to the next installment

Loved the prequel and i'm loving this sequel. Can't wait for more of their SASS!

Still haven't read the stories, but my biggest problem with the bulk of HiE-romance stories is that they simply aren't believable in how the pony falls in love with a human. I'd be fine with them if the human was actually a good fit for whatever member of the Mane6 they ended up with instead of some generic dude nine times out of ten.
Like, let's use Rarity for example for when she's shipped with human guys. Okay, here is this pony who is an ever-growing success story for entrepreneurship, a hero, is supposed to be beautiful by pony standards, and truly loves high-society and fashion, so it seems she should have certain standards, and yet, writers expect me to believe that, not only is she completely willing to look past appearances to the most extreme degree, as in the decidedly alien ones of a human, but that all she is looking for in a lover is for them to simply be "nice" and show interest in her...
Okay, well then, if these are the only standards she has, why then is she not already dating a nice stallion? Ignoring the head-canon of skewed gender-ratios, surely there are plenty of male ponies who are both nice and who would have shown interest in the attractive and successful mare, yes? I mean, if she is open to the idea of a relationship, it would not be long before she was in one.
So then, why is she single and so eager to jump on some random human's dick? It just doesn't make sense, and this goes for all the rest of the Mane6, and Princesses too. People keep writing these stories where the human love interest is just some guy with nary a thing in common with the pony they're porking, and yet it's written that way again and again. Ponies fall for humans simply because they are not an asshole, and interact with them on a regular basis. These are the pony-standards which have apparently never been met by a stallion before Anon shows up.

If you expect me to believe a pony is going to be willing to look past a human's odd appearance and fall for them opposed to the many equine-options surrounding them, then make sure the human is deserving of the attention.
Make the human Twilight falls in love with an academic. Make them someone who doesn't avoid Twilight's questions on human culture with scorn and instead someone who is just as eager to share his knowledge as he is to learn about her pony culture. Not some guy who mooches off of her and lives in her basement.
Make the human Rarity falls in love with a gentleman. Make them someone who understands high society and enjoys it instead of someone who scoffs at the notion and who Rarity must constantly drag to soirées.
Make the human Rainbow Dash falls in love with someone who shares her competitive nature. Make them someone who embraces physical exercises and enjoys training with Dash instead of someone who avoids workouts like the plague.
Make the human Fluttershy falls in love with someone with a lot of compassion who wants to take care of her as much as she does her animals. Make them a kind and kindred spirit who doesn't just twiddle his thumbs, eagerly awaiting for his marefriend to pamper him while Fluttershy tends to her animals friends.
Make the human Pinkie Pie falls in love with someone who can match her energy with some of his own. Someone who can understand her scatterbrained-yet-orderly antics and actually help her plan the next big party.
Make the human Applejack falls in love with a hard worker with strong family values. Make them someone who she can rely on around the farm to really pull his own weight instead of someone who she's just given a pity job.
Don't make these men two-dimensional canvases for you to place yourself over, make them their own characters who deserve the love of the phenomenal mares they end up with.

And then Gilbert nudged Sullivan, and sang:

I am the very model of a guardsmare of fair Canterlot,
A pegasus of high esteem and reputation without blot,
And so I'm here to guard you, Jake-
Whatever mistakes that you make-
I am to cover ...or to break,
Whoever shames fair Canterlot!

(That sounds just lovely, Saphire!) :raritywink:

I get the feeling that you two should hang out or something.

And nice work, spotting the reference!

It's part of the brony condition that the bulk of us are losers in both love and life, so many of us devolve into the stereotypical neckbeard way of thinking that, even though we are unattractive physically because we don't exercise, don't cultivate interesting hobbies because we are lazy, and don't have good jobs because we lack ambition, we still think girls should like us because we are nice guys, and because this hardly ever happens in real life, we write fanfictions where it does happen. Why shouldn't these mares fall in love with our sparkling personalities? So what if we don't have anything else to give either mentally or physically, our presence alone should be enough, because at least we are nice guys, right? Really, look at the wildly popular Your Human and You story, It's about a Equestrian Princess who falls in love with a McDonald's worker who literally shit on her floor on purpose, but stood up for her once when an entire town inexplicably watched as their hero and ruler was verbally abused. Wow, he sure is a keeper.
Also, if anyone reads this and thinks, Hey I'm successful! or I'm in a relationship! You are exceptions, not the rule. Congratulations. What are you doing here?

8137179 Whew, you have a dark view of the fandom, friend. This probably isn't the place for this discussion, at all, but I figured I'd say something, anyway.

I think everybody likes a bit of romance, and though there are a lot—a lot—of self-insert wish-fulfillment stories on fimfic, it's just sort of human nature to enjoy those things. It's along the same vein of Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey, which are wildly popular because they allow people to place themselves into the shoes of the main characters. It's not really a thing that is central to Bronies. They're the fan-fiction equivalent of a trashy romance novella. I wouldn't just start shaming people for enjoying things that are pretty much built to draw them in. There's no harm in a little fantasy, as long as that escapism isn't taken to an extreme.

Maybe there's a little tongue-in-cheek self-deprecating thing going on with you, or perhaps it is less tongue-in-cheek and more serious. Regardless, it's sort of depressing that you associate bronies so heavily with this negative stereotype and assume that the successful/happy people are outliers. I think that your perceptions are colored pretty heavily by whatever group you associate most strongly with inside the fandom itself, because the majority of the people that I speak with inside the fandom are either young people who are students and finding their way in the world, or are adults who are reasonably successful in their jobs or relationships.

I'm not saying that I have the right view of the fandom, either, but I'm just expressing my viewpoint, which has pretty much been the complete opposite experience from what you've expressed.

Congratulations now both the stories in this series are on the front page.

8137284 Sheer insanity. The first part was OFF the feature box, and it CAME BACK.

You guys are amazing. :heart:

Hopefully that will inspire you to keep writing.

you did it! you promised it would happen and you did it! i LOVE YOU!

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