Forget not that I am a derp.
Apple Bloom has a plan for the Crusaders to test countless special talents at once. There's no way this can go wrong!
Never mind the fact that every adult pony in town just shuddered.
A much expanded version of an entry in the January 2015 Writeoff Competition. Prompt: All In
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“Well, that’s good. I hate killing things, especially interesting things.”
Mistress Death abhors torture, think about that.
So... did they get their cutie marks?
7039121
I knew I forgot something. Minor tweak applied. No cutie marks in wreaking havoc; they'd have earned those years ago.
This is one of the most quintessentially CMC things I've seen in a long while. No, Sweetie. Just... no.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders are quite familiar with Pandora.
Gods above and below, my sides have reached orbit!
Poor pinkie, forever scared by the memory of the worst cake on the history of baking...
CMC gonna crusade every day...
I'm surprised Rarity hasn't already put a no-Sweetie Belle sign in her kitchen considering what Sweetie cooks up on her own, much less with the other Crusaders present. Ah, this is what I love about the Crusaders, they can't just try to cook something, they almost destroy Equestria on a daily basis.
Even better is how they all have their own different blind spots that worry the others, but then they just shrug and try it anyway. Surprised it wasn't some giant tree sap monster at the end instead of what sounds like a relative of the smooze. I would say having Discord as a Cutie Mark for them would have been appropriate... except that Discord isn't quite crazy enough for them. 
This characterization is so on point I'm surprised this isn't already an episode.
Unicorn magic would allow you to touch hot things. Why are earth ponies the bakers?
7039374 When was the last time you successfully set a rock on fire?
Much hilarity. Classic CMC.
7039374 Try making a Zap Apple pie with telekinesis and you'll find out.
(Either that or it's a coincidence that all three of the professional bakers we know - the Cake parents and Pinkie - are earth ponies. Three samples isn't nearly enough to draw any conclusions, especially considering two of them are a couple.)
"That story description is absolutely terrifying!"
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/7/79/Flower_Trio_Fainted_S01E04.png/revision/latest?cb=20121219194306
An entire container of saffron.
I wept.
I cringed when I got to the bit about the Saffron.
Edit: Dang, Estee ninja'd me.
7039586
It may be a pretty common reaction. Eventually, you might be able to spot that section of the story by looking for the tear stains.
For those who don't cook: saffron is a spice which, depending on the grade, sells for anywhere from $2.50 to $8.00 per gram. A pound of saffron is at least $1100, which isn't even paying for the good stuff. $1500 is more typical. And since the flowers that produce it provide exactly three stands each, you need one acre of land to create one pound of saffron. Earth pony magic isn't going to help that yield.
7039420
Pony/Donut Joe is a unicorn.
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/b/b4/Joe_ID_S2E24.png/revision/latest?cb=20150630185710
7039750
Of course. How else would you make a hole in a donut?
Pinkie, of course, is focusing on the truly important thing here.
Still, a good little CMC piece.
7039586
7039636
What is saffron good for and bad for?
7041233
Saffron has an extremely distinct aroma and taste (variously described as "hay-like", or "metallic honey", for example), plus it gives food an awesome, rich golden yellow color. You use it in tiny, tiny amounts, because you only need to use tiny amounts to get the color and the flavor, because too much saffron would become unpleasantly bitter, and because it's the most expensive spice in the world.
7039196
What is the Crusade but hope springing eternal amidst all the evils that can befall ponykind?
7039279
Thanks! There are few compliments higher than that.
7039374
If you want my personal hypothesis, the bond between the earth pony and the earth's bounty doesn't end at the harvest. Every step from planting the seed to frosting the cake can be and is enhanced by the subtle magic of fundaments.
7039439 7039586
It's fun to slip in the occasional bit of subtle horror.
In the sequel, Twilight combines earth pony and unicorn magics in a feat of biomantic engineering meant to revolutionize saffron production. Then she sheepishly helps stop the delicious-smelling triffids.
7039374 Cause' all their food comes from plants, plants come from soil, soil is earth.
The saffron...
Pi = 5!
Lovebutt doesn't need to breath, huh?
You know, I sometimes I wonder why those kids don't have cutie marks in havoc-wreaking.
7043665 I know, but holding a hot pan would hurt a pony. it would be be nice to have a unicorn baker who could move hot things or even fix a piecrust by the force of their mind.
7046039 orig14.deviantart.net/8d3a/f/2012/264/7/9/doughnut_joe_by_xain_russell-d50hzcs.png
7044965 Simple... I don't know the answer.
7046164 Ohh. I forgot all about Donut Joe. Thanks for pointing him out.
7046192 vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/b/bc/Cinnamon_Chai_ID_S5E15.png/revision/latest?cb=20150919215837
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/3/3c/Sugar_Belle_ID_S5E2.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/150?cb=20150410104023&format=webp vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/8/86/Cookie_Crumbles_ID_S4E23.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/150?cb=20140614061241&format=webp vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/e/ea/Sweet_Biscuit_ID_S5E14.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/150?cb=20150912224308&format=webp
Do they cover that in biology? I mean, it seems obvious, but now that I think back on my biology classes, I can't remember it being covered.
Random fun fact: I've read that people with color/number synesthesia can see colors that don't exist.
What!
That's irrational! Er, I mean it's not. But it is!
i.ytimg.com/vi/wXIHH6C61I0/maxresdefault.jpg
7046039
In addition to the unicorn bakers listed below, Pinkie and the Cakes have demonstrated that orally operated oven mitts work just fine.
7046576
Well, they hadn't gone over unicorn biology yet, but I don't think it would've told them much on an elementary school level.
And leave it to Discord to make no sense by being rational.
Poor Crusaders, I was thinking the cake was going to be the best of Equestria, even with the monster... I think I know the problem, they forgot to add a little of "Smooze"
One day they might make something edible. It's just...the universe will end when they do.
7039636 *points at applejack insta-growing some flowers during the disastrous redecoration of the castle*
Don't be so sure about earth pony magic being useless for boosting sapphron yield.
This was the predictable outcome of the Crusaders trying cooking. Of course Pinkie would taste it.
Clearly it has been preserved from the days of the ancient unicorn kingdom atop Terra's Horn. Or maybe it's just an import from Pony India.
I love lines like this.
Reminds me of the flavor text on this card. Before the glory of the CMC, even Discord appreciates sense.
And now to wait for Celestia to nom her way out of the cake...
7300907
Pretty sure the saffron was only imported from another country, not another time or universe.
As for the nommery, if Pinkie couldn't stomach the Crusaders' creation, I'm not sure anyone could. With the possible exception of Spike, but he knows better than to try to eat something the color out of space. He learned that lesson the last time Twilight tried to cook.
7300996
So there are reasons why Spike does most of Twilight's cooking. Too much mana spoils the broth, I suppose.
We need moar!
7044965
Well... to quote a theory from Estee’s Continuum...
Revisiting this, and the title just makes me think of "anything and everything and all of the time!" Internet cutie marks carry horrifying implications.
From the title, I thought this might perhaps detail your encounter with an alternate-universe version of yourself. :)
Holy 💩, that was funny. Classic CMC. I love stories that feel like they could be actual episodes.
11353232
A ponified version of "Everything, Everywhere, All at Once" sounds like a fun story.