• Member Since 21st Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

MetalBrony823


A brony that loves Heavy Metal, Africa, Rock, and Animals. Not to mention Ponies too. Fluttershy is best pony! \m/

Sequels1



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Spike is the most well-known baby dragon in Ponyville. Not only that but all of Equestria. However, Spike still misses his parents very deeply, whoever they are, So Twilight notices it, and couldn't stand Spike being all depressed and such. Now it is up to her and some of her friends to help him and console him, if they can, that is

Rights on the cover art go to Queencold on Deviantart.com

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 27 )

Like really like this just a little grammar error here and there. I give this a thumbs up.

Well, it was... mediocre. I likes the premise and the overall story, but the actual writing leaves somthing to be desired.
First of all, please proofread your work. Or at least dump it into Microsoft Word and run spellcheck. There were far too many simple typos in this story that could have been solved by that step alone.

Second, you tell, not show. It's a rather bland progression of events. You put the chicken in the broth. Now it's time to add the spices.
You need a little more character insight. And to break things down a little further so they flow smoother. I'm not the best at doing this upfront or explaining it, but in editing I have a pretty good eye for it.

Keep on writing. You'll get better. And read lots of good works too. You'll learn better.

Good story. Can't really say anything else.
But I do have a little question, is there gonna be a Story on how the Ponies are adapting to this and how the lives of Twi and Spike change?

Eh, good enough, but quite rushed.

You missed a few letters and periods, but mehhh.

"Alright, last night I.... I...."
"Yes?" the all said in question
"I had a dream. about.... well..."
"Yes???" they all repeated

Facebook posts in a nutshell. :ajsmug:

I like the sentiment, but it seriously needs some solid editing pounded into it.

OOoooh Lord. This fic! It has me so... conflicted.
On the one hand, it needs Grammar editing and some pacing tweaks like nopony's business...
But on the other, it's telling such a beautiful story with a decent plot that (granted, may be improved upon but) brought me to tears.
Dangit! Why you no English greater goodly?

6567327 Are you on crack? Seriously. This thing has a tremendous number of errors.

"Okay Spike. See you in a little while." Twilight called back to him before he exited the crystal castle. Manwhile, Teilight was looking on proudly at him through the door. "i am so lucky to have a little brother like you, Spike,." she thought to herself.

this seems like the kind of thing that would have a billion sequels, like, "what if Twi starts hoarding books and can't control her new dragon instincts" or "new villain comes to ponyville only to find large dragoness is also Element of magic." My love of this idea demands sequels:twilightsmile:.







...:moustache:

6572517 i was trying to be nice.

So... Twilight is staying a dragon forever?

Uh... o-okay.

Good idea. Poor execution.

6574451 I'm sorry buy English class wasn't my forte. I am American just so you know, I am doing my best. I swear. Please cut me some slack.

Holy sh*t. If I wasn't so busy with college and working on my own projects, I'd edit the ever loving sh*t out of this. The idea is unique but the telling of the story was just...bland. I felt like I was reading a grocery list at times and the characterization was practically missing.

My advice: Find somebody willing to edit and proof your story. It has promise, now it just needs polishing. Secondly, give detail and describe what's happening. Paint me some pretty head pictures, rather than "x" goes here and does "y" and feels "z" about things. I see that English isn't your first language, and that's okay. I'm learning a foreign one right now and I'm not much past simple sentences, like the above. That's why my third point is never post your first draft. Don't even post your second. Your story, unless you are supremely talented, is rarely ready until after your third. If you (or whowever you have helping you) have gone through the story throughly three times and read it out loud, then you should have caught many of your mistakes as well as found parts that sound rushed, weird or just plain.

...so that we can get a bite of someone to eat

:pinkiegasp: Cannibals!
Oh wait, that would be 'somepony to eat'. So they're just carnivorous ponies. Much better.
lol

6575060 Oh Celestia yes.

Thank you... for saying everything I was thinking.

Go here, get an editor/proofreader, profit.

I really like this story, good job.
I like how it show the deep bond that Twilight and Spike have.
Some grammar errors though.

Amazing, that is the only way i can think of describing this.

If you love someone so much then you should be willing to move all the obstacles in the waynto make it happen.

Really great story. Does anyone else know of any other stories like this one?

Twilight's heart was about to break from the sight of how Spike was feeling. She was highly reluctant too, but she decided to just give him some space as he requested. "Alright." She said. But please. Talk to me when you feel like it."
"Okay." Spike said. He continued his soft sobbing as Twilight got off hi bed and looked at him one last time before she went out of his room.

"But......
His......

What is is?

I read that in Spike's voice and could help but do a spit-take with my coffee.

Wow... just, wow... I'm guessing English isn't your main language as this was... cringe worthy. Now don't get me wrong, it's a great story, but you definitely need to work on your grammar or get an editor to help you.

other then the fact that some letters where missing its very good

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