Rainbow Dash Doesn't Know What Hooves Are

by PresentPerfect

Rainbow Dash Doesn't Know What Hooves Are

Rainbow Dash Doesn't Know What Hooves Are
by Present Perfect

Rainbow Dash sprang into action the moment she heard the scream. Feet pounding the linoleum, she sprinted for the art room and flung open the door. She was moving fast enough that everything else was in slow-motion.

On the wall of the art room, above the air conditioner, was a series of metal brackets holding planks of wood that acted as questionable shelves, which Sunset Shimmer was in the middle of falling from. Joining her was a whole mess of paintbrushes, pencils, easels, and cans of paint, not to mention the high shelf they had been sitting on.

In the span of a breath, Rainbow dove, caught Sunset, rolled, and landed safely. The sundry art supplies clattered to the floor behind them a heartbeat later, splattering the art room floor with numerous colors of paint. It was a safe bet to assume Miss Pommel would be overjoyed by the new design.

"Never fear, your friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash is here!" Rainbow stood, still holding Sunset, and grinned at her.

"Wow, Dash, thanks!" Sunset laughed. "I'm glad I can count on you to pull my tail out of the fire!"

"You don't have a tail," Rainbow said, looking at her expectantly.

Sunset chuckled. Then she gave Dash a flat look. "You're gonna put me down, right?"

Rainbow held the expectant grin for a moment longer before shrugging and acquiescing.

"So what were you doing just now? Something dangerous?"

"It shouldn't have been." Sunset rubbed her hands together. "I mean, reaching up high wouldn't be any trouble in Equestria. I'd just use my magic." She sighed and looked up at the shelf just in time for one last paint can to fall onto her head.

Dash doubled over with laughter.

Sunset growled and pushed at the paint can, which eventually released with a 'pop!' and covered her thoroughly in fuchsia.

Rainbow only laughed harder.

"Dash, knock it off!" Coughing and sputtering, she wiped the paint out of her eyes. "Ugh! As much as these things can be useful--" she flicked her hands at Dash, splattering her with globs of paint that did not stop her laughter one bit-- "I'd gladly go back to hooves just to avoid... this."

Dash's laughter petered out, and she wiped some of the paint flecks from her face. "Uhh..."

"Hands are so weird," Sunset mumbled, ignoring her. "One time, I stared at my hands for ten minutes straight. I swear I could see them growing." She shivered.

"Sunset?"

"Yes?" Sunset shook her head, turning back to Dash.

Rainbow kicked at the floor, pushing a small puddle of paint into a different puddle, to form what looked like a negative-image banana tree.

"Just what exactly are... hooves?"

Sunset snorted, spit fuchsia, and started laughing. After a few moments, the laughter died down, and she stared at Rainbow Dash with concern.

"Wait, you seriously don't know what hooves are?"

Rainbow shook her head.

"It's what ponies have instead of these." Sunset held her hand up. "Y'know, hard, heavy, kinda cute?" Her eyes unfocused. "Sometimes covered by, mm, unshorn fetlocks, if you've been... naughty..." She bit her lip and closed her eyes, hugging herself. "Ohh, who's a naughty pony?"

Neither Sunset's words nor the fact that she had just been spattered with more paint caught Rainbow's attention, and she stood there with her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth. After a few moments, her face lit up. "Oh! You mean feet knockers!"

Rainbow noticed Sunset giving her an all-too-familiar squint-eyed, mouth-slightly-agape look, the one that meant Wow, Rainbow Dash, you are so totally awesome and cool!

"Yup, yup," Rainbow said, polishing her fist on her chest, "I know I am. Just can't help being caught off guard when you don't use the right talk-things."

"Rainbow, the word is hooves." Sunset frowned and crossed her arms with a squish. "I think I'd know a little bit more about them than you."

"Sunset, Sunset, Sunset." Rainbow shook her head and chuckled. "That's where you're totally wrong. See, my mom always says my dad is 'hung like a horse', so he obviously knows a thing or two about actual horses."

Rainbow noticed Sunset giving her an all-too-familiar wide-eyed, mouth-completely-open look, the one that meant Wow, Rainbow Dash, you are so hot and I want to kiss you right now.

"What exactly does that mean?" Sunset asked, eye twitching.

"I dunno, he's bad at straightening pictures or something?" Rainbow shrugged. "And my mom knows a thing or two about knockers, since my dad says she's got big ones. So when I say they're 'feet knockers', I think it's obvious I know what I'm talking about."

Sunset shrank away from her. "You must have had a very strange childhood."

"That I did!" Rainbow said, regarding her nails. Her face slowly fell. "That I did..."

"Stop right there, evildoer!"

The shout sounded like Rainbow, but Rainbow hadn't said anything. The next thing either of them knew, a second Rainbow Dash charged into the art room, fist aimed squarely at first Rainbow Dash's nose. But as the newcomer approached them, she slipped on the banana tree and went down with a shout. She skidded across the floor through a bunch of desks, and came to a stop with her back against the far wall and her feet in the air.

"What in the name of the Vice-Principal is going on?" Sunset shouted.

To Rainbow Dash, it was clear.

Firstly, this other Rainbow Dash -- Rainbow decided to call her 'Crash Dash' to help tell them apart; it seemed to fit, after all -- wore a leather jacket and chaps emblazoned with the Wondercolts' logo, rather than Rainbow's own, far sportier windbreaker-and-skorts ensemble. Second, she was upside-down and mostly covered in paint, which could mean only one thing.

"Obviously," Rainbow said, motioning to her double, "this is my alter ego from another dimension!"

"Darn right I am!" shouted Crash Dash. "I could hear you making us look bad all the way from Equestria! I used Twilight's stupid portal-thing to come clean your clock! Except..." She struggled, but remained upside-down. "That didn't work out so well."

Rainbow crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "So just what is it I was doing this time, huh?"

"Not knowing what hooves are!" Crash Dash flailed her arms, spreading paint all over that corner of the room. Miss Pommel would love this when she saw it. "I mean, who doesn't know that?"

Rainbow smirked. "Okay, hotshot, then tell me: what are hands?"

"Uh." Crash Dash's eyes widened and her pupils shrank to pinpricks.

With a little laugh, Rainbow held up her hand, palm out, at her doppelganger.

"Ohhhhhhh," said Crash Dash. Her gaze travelled to her own hands. She stared.

"Yep, yep, yep." Rainbow dusted her hands off, smearing paint all over them. "Another case solved thanks to the one and only Rainbow Dash!" She glanced over to Sunset, sitting on the air conditioner with a vacant look. "So, uh, how about that kiss now?"

"Kiss?" Sunset shook her head, blinking rapidly. "What kiss? I don't want to kiss you! Who said anything about a kiss?"

"Uh, duh." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "I totally saved you from ultimate danger just now, remember? So you totally owe me a kiss! And you said I was hot and wanted to kiss me! Plus, I've always wanted to kiss a horse." Her vision clouded as she took on a faraway look. "My childhood was strange..."

"I'm leaving." Sunset stomped out of the room, a trail of multicolored footprints marking her path. "Who'd want to kiss an idiot like Rainbow Dash anyway..."

Over by the wall, Crash Dash was still staring at her hands. "I swear I can see them growing..."

Rainbow shook herself and glanced at her.

"Psst! Hey other me. You wanna make out?"

Crash Dash gave her an upside-down grin. "Do I ever!"

Their childhoods had been very strange indeed.

The End

Author's Note:

I have a very interesting relationship with reality. I mean, I can even tell you this story does not make one lick of sense, yet here we are.

I can't believe no one did this already. If you like stories about ponies meeting themselves, you should read Aftershock, which partially inspired this one.

Thanks to Majin Syeekoh and KitsuneRisu for feedback! :D

Comments

[Super Trampoline]

That shirt though...

[PresentPerfect]

6451716
That image so fits this story, I'm very glad I spent the extra time to find it.

[DrakeyC]

I think I just got mind screwed and I don't know if I liked it.

[FanOfMostEverything]

I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or insulted for my part in inspiring this. I'm going to say a little of both. And I am very curious to learn what Crash Dash did to end up upside down.

[Skeeter The Lurker]

There are many fics. Some make you laugh, some make you cry, some make you rage.

And some make you ask questions. Like these:

Why did I read this?
Why did I click that star icon?
Why did I upvote?
What the hell is with that picture?
What the hell were you smoking?
Why did I get every possible meat on my personal pan pizza?

~Skeeter The Lurker

[arancaytar]

Dash² was inevitable the moment one of them stepped through the portal.

[iisaw]

This expression on my face () obviously means shock and awe generated by your literary talents!

And holy carp, that pic! Equestria Girls.mov!

[KitsuneRisu]

WAIT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE LONGER

I THOUGHT THERE WAS GOING TO BE PAINTSEX.

>=|

Edit:
Oh wait, I see a new line there.

Nevermind!

Disregard me I suck cocks.

Edit 2:
Lol crash dash.

[PresentPerfect]

6451771
Yes. :D I want more stories about Rainbow Dash punching Rainbow Dash.

Except I didn't want to rip off Aftershock too much so I pulled up at the last possible second. :B

6451906
I'm glad you like Crash Dash. :D

[FanOfMostEverything]

6451948
Well, they say there are only two possible outcomes if you meet yourself. Though I agree that "Dash punching Dash" needs to be a subgenre of ponyfiction.

[MythrilMoth]

"Sometimes covered by, mm, unshorn fetlocks, if you've been... naughty..." She bit her lip and closed her eyes, hugging herself. "Ohh, who's a naughty pony?"

Yikes...

"Sunset, Sunset, Sunset." Rainbow shook her head and chuckled. "That's where you're totally wrong. See, my mom always says my dad is 'hung like a horse', so he obviously knows a thing or two about actual horses."

"And my mom knows a thing or two about knockers, since my dad says she's got big ones. So when I say they're 'feet knockers', I think it's obvious I know what I'm talking about."

CHRIST, Rainbow!

Sunset shrank away from her. "You must have had a very strange childhood."

"That I did!" Rainbow said, regarding her nails. Her face slowly fell. "That I did..."

Should...should we be worried...?

That was insane and brilliant. Well done!

[BaryonBrony]

This is everything I wanted in life. I can't tell if my life goals are whack or this story was, but either way I like.

[horizon]

pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8748-oie_812377cBUaEsg.gif

(it's either flee, or be tempted to write the clopfic "Rainbow Dash Doesn't Know What mmnhmm Are")

[PresentPerfect]

6452046
So long as I get at least one comment like this, I will continue writing stories like this. :V

6452068
doitfilly

[RainEStar]

I hate to be the odd one out... but I didn't find this story very funny. I guess it's just not my type of humor.
You're an excellent writer, but I'm afraid my thumb comes down on this story.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

Is there supposed to be something sexual about unshorn fetlocks that I'm not getting? I'm scared to Google it too much, but from the little bit I did, nothing racy came up.

Also, in "Rarity takes Manehatten," I got the impression that Coco Pommel was younger than them, so I guess they can just order her to clean up the mess.

[Cloudhammer]

Your avatar is more fitting with regard to this story

[Admiral Biscuit]

It is very rare that I can say this, but...
What the actual fuck?

[Catalysts Cradle]

So when Rainbow Dash says she doesn't like ponies touching her hooves what she really means is that she doesn't want anyone touching her knockers. Everything makes much more sense now!

[Orbiting Kettle]

This story was quite funny and had a perfectly logical development considering the premises (I may not know what any of those words mean and/or I need more sleep, upvote anyway).

[Derpator]

Selfcest.

I like it.

[PiMan]

I think you should give this a romance tag.

[PresentPerfect]

6452233
If you can read this and still say I'm an excellent writer, then that is all the upvotes I need. :V

6452508
this is such a good joke you obviously understand my genius

6453385
Honestly, I agonized over it, but in the end, there's no real romance, just sexual tension. :B And Tsunset Shimmer

[PiMan]

6453527
I was referring to the selfcest.

[Zyrian]

Here we go...

[KitsuneRisu]

6453527

If you can read this and still say I'm an excellent writer, then that is all the upvotes I need. :V

But you're a terrible human being :c

[PresentPerfect]

6454031
That is also an upvote. V:

[Ralfil]

media1.giphy.com/media/13pjWHYzUOWACI/200w_d.gif
This story was so ridiculous that I couldn't help but laugh.

[CuttlefishDreamer]

Oh my... xD

[DF]

I'm alternating between laughing and repeating "What the fuck?" over and over again.

Entertaining and confusing, enterfusing!

[Random Order]

Huh… wha… ba… uh…

randomorder.exe has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for this inconvenience.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

Rainbow decided to call her 'Crash Dash'

You'd think Rainbow Dash would be more sensitive about Rainbow Dash's feelings, since Rainbow Dash hates being called "crash," which Rainbow Dash should know on account of being Rainbow Dash.

[PresentPerfect]

6722333
No, she hates being called "Rainbow Crash", which as you can see is a very different -- and much less original -- nickname than "Crash Dash". :B QED

[Brody Deitrick]

wow just just wow to friging weird

[PresentPerfect]

7001840
Man, this isn't even as weird as I go.

[Brody Deitrick]

7003000 ok how weird can u make rainbow go cuz i need a good laugh and this story was one with the way rainbow is dumb on both sides of the mirror

[PresentPerfect]

7006771
Rainbow specifically? Try Things Rainbow Dash Doesn't Like. :B

[-DELETED ACCOUNT-]

Hmm. Weird. *slams fist on table* I LIKE IT.

[Ice Star]

I worry about you writing this far more than I worry about me reading it.

[PresentPerfect]

8182207

[Ice Star]

8182308 Just take your newest follow for your follow hoard, m'kay?

[PresentPerfect]

what the fuck is this story