• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2011
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Fanfiction masochist. :B She/they https://ko-fi.com/presentperfect


Princess Celestia sent her student, Twilight Sparkle, to meet five mares in Ponyville who will help set up the Summer Sun Celebration.

She just never said they'd be hot.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 197 )

This was hilarious! Although I’m a little sad there wasn’t additionally a “please dominate me and rule me forever more” Nightmare Moon part. Or actually I now can’t get Twilight imagining Nightmare Moon quoting Jareth from The Labyrinth out of my head. “Love me, adore me, do as I command and I will be your slave.”

"So, any of you girls fuck?"

Do we!”

:ajbemused: "I've been up fer more'n twenty-four hours bustin' my hump with caterin', trampin' through the Everfree, blastin' the new princess we suddenly got, an' gettin' through two different Pinkie parties."
:twilightsheepish: "So... that's a no?"
:ajsmug: "That's a 'Lemme sleep fer a week an' I'll get back to ya.'"
:pinkiehappy: "And in the meantime..."

Oh, my fucking god. I would genuinely read a full blown MLP retelling of this, altho leaving it be on that note is fine as well :rainbowlaugh:

Seconded, this is absolutely hilarious and with so much shenanigan material. The banter this this'd allow, oh dear! :rainbowlaugh:

Leave me be, Spike, can't you see your has died and gone to the Green Fields of Forever?

missing a word


I learned a new word today

I could gouge my eyes out right now and die happen

Overwhelming beauty causes mental typos


I learned another new word today

Funny hoers in funny love

Author Interviewer

ghhghgh how did 'sister' get lost? I KNOW IT WAS THERE

thank you :B

A million upvotes for the use of "pulchritudinous." It's been one of my favorite words since the moment I learned it.

I feel like this was just an excuse to get some poetic descriptions of each of the other mane 6 down on paper, but who am I to question it? They were all awesome. And got a couple laughs in there, too.

Every step she takes, every move she makes, I'll be watching those taut cords ripple and shift, right there under her skin.

So I see Applejack got The Police talking (and maybe Linkin Park snuck in there, too).

And I'm not sure, but I think The Corrs saw Rainbow Dash...

Just wait till she gets to the Royal Wedding.

"So, Shiny... can I have her if you're not interested? It's the one-size-fits-all entomology package I never realised I've always wanted!" :twilightblush:

Edit: There's no way you aren't planning bonus chapters for Trixie, Sunset, Starlight and Tempest, right?

Apologies to any actual lesbians for how much I find the term "useless lesbian" amusing. :B

In my experience, lesbians love the term, and use it all the time just for the laughs.
~Signed, a useless lesbian who read this story specifically because she couldn't stop giggling when she realized what "the Useless" meant here.

this... is pure gold! :rainbowlaugh:

thanks so much for this, have a mustache my friend :moustache:

you know what? take all of them!

Fluttershy is just so stinkin' cute, and it is not fair.

I love the contrast between the stuff like that and the more poetic bits :raritystarry:

Headcannon accepted!

Did you post this under the wrong account? :trollestia:

Author Interviewer

If there was any purpose to this story beyond just the joke, it's trying to figure out what anyone, not just Twilight, might see in each of her friends.

It's just so funny and descriptive. :D

Nooooo...? :O

This is an absolute trainwreck of lust at first sight that's no basis for a healthy and longterm relationship you poor adorkable purple shut in.

And it's beautiful.

This is so hilarious and so stupid and I need more of it right stat now you absolute madman.

this this this this THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!

I must be out of the loop, because im I'm not familiar with that term. :rainbowhuh:

Dear Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student,

Enclosed is something we in Canterlot call a 'Restraining Order.'

No, it has nothing to do with the padded hoofcuffs that you and Cadence played with, or the 'Fungeon' in the palace basement where we had our little 'lessons' in magic. It is a legal document, forbidding you from entering the city of Canterlot for any purpose, or approaching within three miles of my sister.

Your loving teacher,
Princess Celestia

P.S. You should know, I saw her first. Hooves off, kid.

The moment I meet Rainbow Dash, I am in too much of a food coma to really appraise her. The moment after, I am too huffy at her gross incompetence to really appraise her. And then I am too covered in mud. And then I am too spinning around. And then I am too oh no, she's hot.

Same energy.

Honestly.. I want this to become a full story :rainbowlaugh: it may seem odd but darn it I'd love a full story of this:pinkiehappy: so if you can PLEASE make a full novel of this! I'd really appreciate it. If you can't I'll understand just recommending it.

"So, any of you girls fuck?"


Shut up you useless lesbian :twilightsmile:

Sweet! :pinkiehappy:

Just buck me in the head and drag me off to bed, you divine goddess of fertility.


this would be amazing for a full story :D

This is stupid, funny, but also surprisingly useful.

...Why the hell do I now headcanon Twilight being this ravenous beast repressing her carnal urges through books and academia and scientific inquiry, with the horniness to match, or quite possibly surpass the Princess of Love herself?

I've had that headcanon for years. :rainbowlaugh: now this just needs a sequel to where she sleeps her way through the main six followed by one where she runs into chrysalis, starlight, Sunset, and the Dazzlings and has the same issue getting over the fact that they're all sexy too.

I need her reaction to Nightmare and the other mares, like Zecora and the mare villians.

the first part of the story may as well be a list of examples as to why various groups within the fandom love their respective ponies as they do
the rest of it's just goddamn hilarious

Coranth #35 · Oct 1st, 2019 · · 1 ·

This... is gold. Just fucking GOLD. We NEED Twily to ogle Chrysalis--who doesn't love sexy bughorse?!

(Back off, Spike, I saw her first!)

I knew this line would have to come up, and I still laughed out loud. I thought Rarity's would be my favorite, but then Fluttershy's happened, and then Luna's.

Hilarious and slightly stupid and a very good job at catching an adorkable, possibly way too horny, Twilight's inner thoughts.

EDIT: I would love to see chapters with Twilight meeting some other prominent mares: Cadance, Chrysalis, Trixie, Starlight, Sunset.

So, can I just say.................this story is actually the best thing ever and I want to know the answer! DO THEY FUCK! SCIENCE DEMANDS ANSWERS!!

This was honestly just very sweet and nice and just... lovely.

Radiant. Gorgeous. Pulchritudinous.

I really must learn that last word. So beautifully sesquipedalian, so delightfully rare.

Pinkie's a mare you can't get away from, no matter how hard you try. She's sticking to me like glue. I'd sure like to make her stickier, if you catch my drift. Just smear that frosting all up and down.

Getting naughty, are we? :raritywink:

Dear Princess Celestia, your little sister is super fucking cute. She may not be evil anymore, but she is still going to cute pony jail for the rest of her life, where I will make conjugal visits every night for cute pony snuggles. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

Can "conjugal visit" and "cute pony snuggles" coexist?


Yes, yes they can.

"So, any of you girls fuck?"


Straight to the point with your new "friends," Twilight.

Sure your entire life's sexual energy wasn't repressed until Ponyville and then it burst in the moment you laid eyes on AJ?

Twilight! I entirely agree with your elucidation on Fluttershy's world-class cuteness!

Now, just describe yourself like you did the others, and I'll be perfectly happy to bask in the glorious depictions! :pinkiehappy:

Oh, and I'm saving that art.

*looks through comments*

Wow, the number of likes here are the highest I've ever seen. :rainbowderp:

And I've posted entirely too many comments in my enthusiasm.

Never knew it that adjective was connected to lesbians.

I thought it was "the Useless" because she was entirely too busy staring and salivating at mares to do anything useful for the Summer Sun Celebration.

Wait... is it a double entendre?

Short, silly, hilarious. Thank you for this one:pinkiehappy:!

Author Interviewer

I mean, what else do ponies do on a conjugal visit? :B

Oh wait, I got the meaning of conjugal wrong. :twilightsheepish:

Had quite a different image in my mind. :twilightblush:

Offscreen, Twinkleshine, Minuette, Lemon Hearts and especially Moondancer are having an epic attack of jealousy. "Hey! She was our girlfriend first!"

Needs 10% more naughty.

You seen Lyra as Diplomate? Some compliments would have gone a long way.

Twilight, you need to get laid.

What do you think she's trying to do here?

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