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Twilight Sparkle is the master of her own mind. She is the Princess of Friendship. She is the fourth piece of the Alicorn Tetrarchy. She has incredible power, and she has always asserted it in a necessary and compassionate way. She has a charmed life—a wonderful set of friends, a beautiful castle in a lovely little town, and is constantly busy with her life, stretching her wings upward and outward to new horizons as often as possible.

There can be nothing wrong with her.

Pre-read by Majin Syeekoh.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 111 )

Joke's on you, I read the comment before reading the fic.

But yeah, terribly timed attempts at humour aside, I really liked this. I have a soft spot for fics that consist on a character monologuing about their feelings, and I've seen very few fics do it correctly.

Short, but moving. Good job, Regi.


...... Thank you for writing this.

Comment posted by CWi deleted Apr 6th, 2022

I created this fic based on already existing fics where an MLP characters writes about their suicidal tendencies and I felt that their needed to be a different side to it shown.

Oh, Reg, if only this hadn't been the third of these in a week. It feels like we're being cheated, not because of the subject matter but because we're seeing the last page of a doorstopper fic. We get the ending (in both senses) but not the buildup, which is what lets us accept that this character can feel this way and take these actions. If it had been a random OC the backstory may not have mattered but with Twilight (or Pinkie, et al.) we have the backstory and so much source material it's had to swallow the reveal. On the other hand I can accept that there's a lesson here about anyone harboring these demons, no matter what they show friends, family, and the world on the surface. Maybe that's the point? I'm reacting how her friends might react, by shaking my head and saying, "Twilight? Our Twilight? No way. She wasn't like that, I saw her just the other day and she was perfectly happy. Well, she looked happy, I guess."

This helps me understand depression a lot better than I thought it did.

Well, it looks about time for me to crawl into bed, pull the covers over me, and lay awake for hours contemplating what I just read.

6356056 she's on the road to valhalla now

I will carry her myself, making sure she rides eternal, shiny and chrome

Wow. As someone who's had many reasons to fall into depression, but (I think) luckily hasn't, this really puts things in perspective. Others have lamented that this is 'another' suicide fic within the past week or so, but it's still a great read either way. Nice work.

6356018 I was considering naming this story after that album, but because I have an actual 9 part story based on this album, I decided against it

6355951 This story happened BECAUSE of the other stories. I Am Not Okay inspired this as well. It was a different look at what seemed oddly prevalent this week, and it's something that's been on my chest for a while that I have not managed to put into words until today. The only way this story COULD have happened is the way it did.

6356078 I'm very glad you liked it, and I'm glad you've evaded depression for so long. :twilightsmile:

For some reason, reading sadfics about depressions helps me become less depressed.

Regardless, here's a song to help sum up my feelings about this.

A very well written piece. I am flattered that you found inspiration through me.

</3 Darqfox

6356174 I would only have took your work to my own heart because I'm suffering from depression as well (anxiety mostly), I know what it feels like to be trapped in my own mind. Twilight was devasted, she didn't have time to climb out of the mine shaft, it was all too sudden.

The difference is, that Twilight wasn't afraid of death here, she was ready for it and wanted it to happen, she didn't want a solution like pills because it would make her look meaningless (although it's just the corruption inside her telling her this, if another side of her took over, then the pills wouldn't be so bad). You made a fantastic job on stuffing reality into a fantasy world made of unreal creatures (I mean it, great job). This will totally scare the kids, and this is totally what Faust would be thinking if she was still on the series.

I can't read.


Welp, I've read it. It's reminded me of the many times I've felt buried under depression.

From this perspective, I don't like the story. Yes, your comments and links to depression services are excellent. Twilight was both cogent and analytical enough to spell out her position emphatically, which would be pretty in-character if a cartoon pony princess ever got to this state. It emotionally resonated with my own experiences.

But, the conclusion she reaches feels wrong, or perhaps more properly, rushed. I know it's the conclusion that many depression sufferers reach, but when you get down to it treatment for depression needs to be tailored to the individual, and for a character like Twilight, it seems incomplete. If she's read “The Big Gloom: Depression And How It Affects Equines Of The Three Pony Races In Urban Settings, Volume 1”, where's Volumes 2 through 6? She's rejected medication, but where's the analysis of the effects of different pills on different pony races, and the unknown reaction of an alicorn incorporating all three tribes? She's the element of magic, yet no delving into magical remedies at all? Why only think of Ponyville General, what about specialists in the field in Canterlot?

The letter is written as a measure of completion, yet there's so many steps skipped in coming to that completion that it rings false for me. Even if she felt nothing completing the task due to the depression, Twilight still turned the analysis of her condition into a study program, so I can't believe her OCD would have allowed her to skip checking through all those other measures as well. And her OCD is a canon part of her personality that emotions or the lack of would not overwrite, having caused her problems before. If she DID jump to the end conclusion, it would have been a conscious effort to override her own nature, and probably would have been mentioned in the letter as well.

Other than that, though, very well written.

6356374 Thank you! I've already said my piece about your story in the comments there, but regardless of that I want you to know that your story pushed to write something about something within myself that I had struggled to do for a very long time.

So thank you so much for that.

6356398 Do you think Faust would have pushed Twilight to these lengths? I mean, maybe in some sark corner of her mind, but hasbro would never let her make that an actual plotpoint of the show.

6356426 best new meme

6356459 I believe (which just means "muh headcanon) that magic being used to change mental states is outlawed (except with extreme cases like Discord), and is an extremely experimental and unstable field, so she would have never even considered it due to Twilight being Lawful Good and everything. In addition, the magical changing of a mental state is essentially the same thing as the pills, which destroy her personality and build her up to be somepony she is not.

although, good catch there, I had only briefly considered magical cures before I chucked them out entirely. I have no idea why she didn't address them in her letter

I'd say you met your goal pretty damn well, here, in a way that only one who has been there can truly accomplish or relate to. The entire time I was reading it, I was nodding along and going, "Yeah, that's exactly what it's like." I really liked how aware Twilight was of all of it. But as it points out, being aware of depression and its many aspects doesn't make them better. You know what's wrong, but you can't do anything about it. This fic pretty much says it all. I've seen a few suicide letter stories, but none quite as believably-written as this. It looked, well, exactly like real depression. Well done.

You know, I had tried to write something substantial, but this story just has me stumped. What caught me was how clinical, detached, cold, . . . and emotionless it was, and I see now that it was most definitely purposeful and symbolic.

I can't say I hate it, but I didn't enjoy it. That type of finality and despair is something no one should feel, and if this truly is the "final stage of depression," then I cannot understand it. Like, at all. I can't place myself in those shoes, I can't sympathize, nothing. I've got nothing.

And I think that's what scares me the most, how something so vile would cause someone to reach this point of no return and face death like their life and absence means nothing. Or, even worse, that they simply don't care that it does.

That's just about all I can say. You've given me something to think about, that's certainly true.

Welp, I probably shouldn't have read this as my first read of the day. Hit too close home, effectively squashing my want to read right now.

My wants aside, this was a very well written piece of art. As others have said, the story captured, at least from my experience, the feeling of depression just perfectly (excluding the suicidal notes, never felt them myself but in a passing blink). Thank you for the read, even though it got me a bit gloomy now.

6356634 Sorry for inadvertently ruining your day. :twilightsheepish: And thank you for the kind words.


and if this truly is the "final stage of depression," then I cannot understand it. Like, at all. I can't place myself in those shoes, I can't sympathize, nothing. I've got nothing.

this is a good thing. The haze is the final stage of depression for a reason. You suffer through it for a little while before you make the final cut. If you can't understand it, that means you're far enough away from it to stay alive.

6356515 It was somewhat difficult to fit my feelings and viewpoints into Twilight's, but I feel like I reconciled them pretty well. I did some digging through skype logs where I discussed feeling like this to help with authenticity.

thank you, though

True, but there are some days that I wish I could, for just a moment, experience the true pain one feels from depression, if only so I could stand by someone I love and tell them that I know what they're going through, that you can make it out of the darkness and see the light. But truly, depression scares me, and that's mainly because I felt something like it, and very recently. The intense pains of guilt drove me into a minor "depression," one that marked the first time I've ever entertained the notion of suicide. I blew it off almost instantly, and I'm now back to my normal self, but this strikes a little close for comfort, even if I'm sure I don't have clinical depression.

But I digress. Like I said, sometimes I wish I could understand that kind of pain, but stories such as these and my own small glimpse makes me want to never experience such a terrible thing, even if it helps me understand what people are going through.

As per usual, well done and thumbs up'd. Maybe I shouldn't of read this at 7:30 am, either. Man, you and your stories have become a lot more mature over the last year.


And then after a few hours she unties herself, frustrated that the noose didn't work because she's apparently immortal now. (Just ask Celestia how many times she's tried and failed to kill herself.)
Or would that actually make things worse, knowing that it would NEVER end?


Awesome fic Regidar. 9/11

Eh, it didn't ruin my day, just kinda put me off from reading for a while. I just went and took my Renault Premium for a spin in Euro Truck Simulator 2 for a couple of hours and that got me back in good mood. Trucking around does that to me. :twilightsmile:

6356795 thank you i know i shouldnt of read this as it would upset me and your comment may have just saved me trouble sleeping

6356461 Well, Hasbro wouldn't of course, but Faust's ideas are rather creative.

I just came from reading another suicide fic a day or so ago, and it had me really thinking about things. This is the second I've read. I don't exactly know what to say in regards to this... it was depressing, sad, but also says a lot about depression. The outcome was... not one I was hoping to see, but I saw it anyway.

Its not bad, but... you know.
I've been depressed, but who hasn't? I've felt like I'm just a useless sack of crap from time to time, and that my whole being wouldn't be missed if I kicked the bucket. But I'm wrong about that, because I would be missed, but friends and family alike. I know I don't seem the type to be depressed, (if you've read my comments or even know me) but you'd be surprised what's hiding behind smiles.

So, Regi, all I have to say on this, is good work well done. You get a favorite, and a thumbs up for writing this.
Good job man... good job.

To anyone who happens to be reading my comment... yeah its been said, but I'm saying it again. Just know there are people out there who care about you, and are willing to hep you out through a tough time. Talk to your family, or a friend, go get a hug, watch a good movie, something fun. Find someone to help you battle through depression, and kick that depression in the fucking face, German Suplex that shit into the ground, and bury it six feet deep.

And here's a hug for everyone, depression or not.
:heart: *hug* :heart:
Because peeps deserve one, ya feel?

This has been Dustchu, farewell for now.

6356064 All shiny and chrome, just like she should be. To Valhalla, she goes. *holds up wheel*

The time for useless melodrama has passed.
i’m sorry
Farewell and goodnight,

Just a small error there, besides that there are no other errors in the story, not even the one where you made me sad for a little bit.

What a perfect way to start out my morning. Don't get me wrong, it's well written, but that's sorta the issue. It's depressing, in the figurative sense, y'know?

EDIT: Wait, did she hang herself? Why would she do that? That takes FOREVER to kill someone.

6356675 The one thing that stopped me from ever having suicidal thoughts ever again (it's been 12 years without one) was that I wouldn't get to experience anything anymore. Even if people and life made me upset or depressed, ending it would rob me and others of ever experiencing infinite possibilities. Not all of them could be good, but they would all be different than being dead.

Everyone is different and so is depression. The solution above worked for me because I love learning and I love hobbies. I didn't really believe in an afterlife, or didn't feel like risking the chance that there wasn't. Ending my life would be an end to the chance to learn something new.

I also lived through a life threatening illness at a young age leaving me better able to get along with adults than my peers. Problems of other people my age (high school) just seemed stupid. Living through this traumatic event made me think it would be a waste to end my life, especially for all the people that worked to save it. I couldn't spit in their face like that.

This story really hit me because I always see Twilight as one who feels the same way about living a life of knowledge seeking. Not just books, but friends, family, and new people. She also lived through so many challenges with her friends, that I thought in the end she would have chosen to live:pinkiesad2:

On another note form my other comment. While this was written well, I didn't enjoy it (it was sad). I read depressing things on this site, but suicide really takes it up a notch. I'll just leave with a virtual thumbs up.:pinkiesad2:

6356795 It would make things worse... Much Worse.

Sometimes the happiest ending to these stories is the one where the character gets what they want. I don't feel as if it is right to come up with our own endings to the stories so that the person lives if that ending would only prolong the suffering of the character.

"I think part of the reason why we hold onto something so tight, is because we fear something so great won't happen twice."

Rest In Peace Twilight Sparkle.

The unfortunate reality I am forced to face is that suicide does not make the pain go away; it merely hands it off to others to deal with.

This is a very wise and powerful thought. I wish more people would realize the consequences of their actions before they act.

Thank you for writing this. It has been inspirational.

...Is the closing deliberately parallel to that in Brave New World, or did that happen on accident?

I'm so sad right now. I want to just..... eat a tub of ice cream.:raritycry::fluttercry:

Words can only push a person so far, but that distance can make all the difference. When words fail, actions speak louder. Where action fails, time will forget. She pushed away all her friends, the only people who could have helped. Twilight Sparkle must have truly been lost, because she forgot herself, she forgot magic. I wonder how much just a simple hug could have done, if only there been someone there to give it?

She shattered a world when she left. She shattered a lot of worlds. What will Pinkie do, the pony that could make anypony smile, but wasn't there when her friend needed her most? What will Rainbow Dash do, the mare who never leaves a friend hanging, when she finds her friend hanging? Shining Armor, the brother that swore to protect his sister from all harm, when he finds he failed to save her from herself? Sunset Shimmer, when she finds her first friend and the mare who was everything she wished she could be, broken by less than she herself faces? What happens to the honest mare when the truth tears her world apart? The kind mare, when kindness can no longer reach a cold dead heart? The beautiful mare, when lost eyes cannot see her art?

6358522 Honestly I was having a great day today, and then I read this. Please don't be offended, Regidar, I loved it - I really did - but watching Twilight wrenching her heart this far out, and taking action this far, after having the greatest life anypony could ask to lead . . . I started questioning some things. Some things I wasn't sure I wanted to question.

Anyway thanks, I guess, for just saying what you said. Helped to turn my day back around. Beautiful fic, Regidar!

6357200 it was intentional, but thank you for taking the time to point it out, as it easily could not have been

This reminds me of my personal description of Magic: "A part of the whole that, while apparently useless, acts as a nexus between present and past, between the internal and external; Dreams. The belief in the intangible. Memory.", seems like Twilight forgot the importance of the intangible herself.
I can't say than this made me sad (I know apathy too well for that, ironically) but I still liked it.

Comment posted by Southern Moon deleted Aug 26th, 2015

6358436 Indeed. That's the thing about tragedy though, isn't it? The what-ifs. Those what-if questions that everybody affected will end up asking so many of. Sometimes, we never stop asking.

6355262 I can't read fics like this, sorry. My reasons are because I know it will upset me, so I choose not to make myself more miserable.

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