• Member Since 26th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 35 minutes ago


You now face godlike judgement. May it extend eternally.



Twilight is not okay. That much is certain. She hasn't been okay for a very long time. It's been so long since she's felt anything but numbness and apathy...

Trigger Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and actions, depression, eating-disorder, and anxiety.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 51 )

I am not sure what to think of it, but it was very good written

The four word sentences in this tell the story on their own.

I want to die

I can't do this

I am not okay

I'm here for you.

This is very well written, and very well done. It reminds me of my own darker places, when I just lie in bed for a day because I don't feel anything good.
I hope you aren't suffering too, and if you are, that you have friends and family who can be a light for you.
We all need a light sometimes.

Wow... this was powerful, especially with not knowing what caused this, if anything did at all. Sometimes people just go to dark places in their minds. Very well written. This is going to my special bookshelf, which I hold in even higher regard than my favorites.

While short, this story took me THERE...

Truth be told, this is written partially from my own experience with depression and anxiety. They are always there. There is not always a trigger or cause. The 'why' is not important. It doesn't matter how it happened, only that it happened.

</3 DarqFox

'Yup, this one hurt. Well written, author.

6328843 Yeah. I know that there's no real rhyme or reason to depression or anxiety.
As a fellow long time sufferer, I know that there's not much I can say beyond I hope that you can get the help you need, and that you have support from people that care.
And if you ever need someone to just listen, I'd be happy to. :pinkiesmile:
As I said before, we all need a light sometimes.

am i the only one who wouldn't mind seeing a sequel to this?

For such a short story this had a lot of feels in it :pinkiesad2: Good job ^^

I adore this.

It has been proven that people with higher intellect are more prone to depression. You captured sorrow so beautifully and described it so well that I am at a loss for words. As someone who has battled with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, I appreciate this fic. It also shows that you need to stick by your friends, even if they try to push you away. You never really know what's going on.

Well done! :pinkiehappy:


Wow, well noticed!

I hope there is a continuation. something to conclude this.

Definitely one i would like to see more to.

Wow!!! What I thought would be another sadfic to be sad. What I got was a beautiful story about overcoming something that affects everyone. Well done. Well done. Don't know what else to say. It was an amazing read. This story is a good story to talk about with those that do struggle with depression. You have earned the favorite. Thanks.

Yup! That's depression! Though it's different for everyone, of course. Not sure about the 'resolution' because it seemed a bit quick to me (though of course it's only the beginning of a long treatment for the disease that will never go away - I mean this first step seemed quick) but the build-up was excellent and the message ... pure. Good. Clean. It was really good.

I was going to type some tips on dealing with depression but then I realized that a) it doesn't really matter as everyone is different and 2) the way I do it (haven't had to in a long time, mind) can be ... dangerous. So yeah! I like it and ... that's all.

The "resolution" is not a true resolution. I know first-hand that it doesn't go away. Ever. It's always there and there is no "cure". There is no "recovery". If it's there, it's there, and you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. The ending was simply there to let the reader make of it what they will.

Thank you for your kind words. It always brightens my day to see others enjoying my work.

</3 DarqFox

Wow that was very butterfly written.
I have no words otter then that relay you captured the feeling of depression very well, having gone trough depression myself i relay can relate.
Those four words will never win, but some days it just feels like that would be the best course of action.

6334466 You're welcome. Now to check out your other stories and see what's there. :raritywink:

I am afraid to read this.

Sorry if I miss spell things its hard to type with tears in your eyes..

Sad Fics are what drew me into the fandom. Always got a kick out of them.

But I have a close friend who's basically....where Twilight is in this story right now. Wants real treatment but can't afford it. Hates themselves for it. I'm constantly afraid that I'll wake up to a suicide note on their blog. It's horrible.

I've tried everything, I've said everything you're supposed to....I don't know what else to do.

Great fic, but it was definitely hard for me to read.

I agree with the comments on here; this is very well written.

And to put this professionally, my only complaint was that I felt it was rather choppy in a few places, some punctuation and so on like that. It's a step above nitpicky, things that could be fixed to make it flow better.

When I read it and think back, you could have made this longer and given some more detail as to why Twilight was this depressed (the cause of). That much would have made the story more relateable to a few people, and given the story more depth and overall character.

I still enjoyed it, and you get an honest 7/10, and my like and fav. Keep up the good work!

In this particular story, there is no "cause" of Twilight's depression. It's just there. For a lot of people, including myself, depression has no cause, nothing that triggers it, nothing that put the depression there in the first place. To those people, it simply just is. And often that makes no sense to people, but I can assure you that that's how it is. This story takes that approach.

</3 DarqFox

I want to die.

Well this is starting out great!

6338926 well i hope youre getting better:twilightsmile:

Unfortunately confirmed. It makes it hard when you can't find the cause. It also makes it hard when I spent the first 99% of my life perfectly content and then... BAM! Don't know the cause, but it's a real struggle always. Sometimes, as sad as it is, it's also comforting to know that someone else "gets you." Great story!

I'm going to warn you now, this stuff is really dark. As you may have observed, this is not in my usual purview of TwiShy/Romance, so you're definitely in for something different out of me.

It's always exciting for people to step out of comfort zones and try something new, something different. I don;t know your other stories, but if this is the case and you tried something new, I applaud you. You did a lot of good work on the emotional content in the story. Grammar is good, characters are good.

My single complaint was that it was too short, and didn't give me enough information. Like why is Twilight feeling this way? I am happy though that there is a sequel out which is what brought me here. Hopefully some more of this story is expanded in that one.

6338926 Yeah I have been there too. It doesn't have to have a cause.

That picture is from Vermillion's Friendship is Tragic right? Excellent fic if you get the chance. The first, if not only fanfic to make me cry, which does not happen often. I hope this does the same.

I want to die.

If I realized I was that much of a Mary Sue, I might think the same thing. This isn't a Comedy so: Dark.

Aside from Rainbow Dash crashing into the library, she didn't see her friends often.

That usually isn't mentioned unless Rainbow wants to see her but can't work up the courage.

She couldn't cry at all. She didn't feel sad when her depression came in like the tide. She felt nothing. She was just there.

That sounds exactly like what depression is.

Twilight paced around the library,...and quickly found out just how physically uncoordinated she was.

She sounds seriously ill.

"I'm fine, just go away!"


Now for the love of Luna let me in already,"

Who cares about that manipulative cow Celestia?

The unicorn's mane was frazzled and unkempt, matted and knotted to the point that Rarity would have outright puked at the sight of it.

Now that I have got to see.

"I don't give a shit. You're going to eat this sandwich," the pegasus asserted.

Good choice on pony, this is not a job for Fluttershy.

I can't do this.

That one is a lot less dangerous, more common, and maybe more frightening.

"Why are you doing this?" Twilight murmured quietly.
"Because I care—"
"Why are you forcing me to suffer?" Twilight growled, a little louder.
"Twilight, stop."
"I just want to be left alone—"
"Twilight, please..."
"—so I can just stop existing—"
"I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I'M SCARED!" Rainbow screamed. Tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she finally broke down into a sobbing mess.

There we go. She cares for someone else, and she will care for herself too.

"I am not okay," Twilight sobbed out.
"I know... Just let it all out..."
"I'm sorry..."
"I'm here for you."

This was dang short, but enjoyable.

Good story. As someone who's suffered from chronic depression most of my adult life a lot of the thoughts/emotions expressed here definitely struck a chord.

I would have liked a bit more at the start to explain where the depression came from, though. But that's just me. Still a good story!

I came here to read this after I read Foal's Errand's "Dear Princess Celestia", because it was recommended to me in the recommended fics section. I figured that this would be a similar story, and for most regards, it was, but the addition of eating disorders developing in an attempt to control the pain that someone with depression feels was an interesting touch. This fic didn't make me feel much, I'm afraid (a fate that Dear Princess Celestia befell as well), but you have a clear skill in writing, so it was not unenjoyable.

I have trouble with certain fics like this because I've never truly experienced suicidal thoughts.

Depression, though...

I know the claws of depression all to well, having suffered that as a result of low self-esteem issues for the majority of my life.

So I know what Twilight- and Rainbow Dash, who strikes me as having gone or is going through the same thing -is going through. I never starved myself, though I have used gluttony as a fix. Food, books, and video games.

There's no real cure for this kind of thing except life.

I almost cried. Almost. Had you had a few more lines with Twilight starting to break down the walls, it would have been game over for that.

Okay...This was a good fic. Good for the feels. I've been in that dark hole before, and seeing how a friend can lift you up, how a friend would be scared of seeing you go through that. Really touched me deep. Thank you.

Felt nothing!

Not sure whether to be ashamed at that, or thankful, I'm not blubbering.

Also, I feel there should be more to this. Probably like Dash helping Twilight through her recovery, like "Unwell"

Hope you don't mind, but I'm writing a fic that may reference this. It will be focused more on Rainbow and will give a reason for Twi's mentally degrading state. Again, I hope you don't mind :twilightblush:

Sorry for such a late response.

Firstly, it's not out of my comfort zone, it just isn't my favored genre.
Second, there is no "cause" for Twilight's depression. Like most cases of depression, there is no "cause." It's just there. It's always been there, and since there is no cure, it will always be there.
Third, there is in fact a sequel that's been out for a while. Check it out if you haven't already.

<3 DarqFox


I've noticed all of that from reading your other comments later on. I have read "Am I Worth It?" in hopes of some more answers to my questions and such.

http://youtu.be/WWaLxFIVX1sOOOO not the sandvich anything but the sandvich!

6626736 I think from personal experience that there's always a cause deep down or loosely tied to depression, but that cause isn't always what matters.

The idea of Living itself can be depressing, but you don't always need to know that's why I'm depressed to cheer me up

Firstly i suffer from depression, and second, as much as i want to keep reading and will keep reading it makes my depression worse, because i know theres no one will give a fuck more than rainbow does :D

I didn't really feel anything from this fic, but it was well written enough for me to fave.

This should be what people find when they Google what depression is like, not a page written by a medical professional who has no idea what it's like.

I appreciate the sentiment, but I disagree with your point. When people Google depression, they should find the medical stuff. Finding the DSM-5 entry on Major Depressive Disorder allowed me to see what was going on in my head from an outside perspective, unmuddled by the subjectivity and fog of my own malfunctioning brain. While finding something like this story certainly makes those who have it feel validated and not alone, it doesn't help. Being able to bring the knowledge of your depression to a medical professional in the terms that they studied it in makes their job of helping you get better much easier, and allows them to find treatment options that are more effective for you.

<3 DarqFox

I meant as to when people Google what having depression is like when they do not have it themselves. My thinking was of a parent trying to understand what their child is going through with depression and only finding articles that seem to give only textbook definitions. When you have depression yourself articles by medical professionals are typically what help in explaining why as you already know how it actually feels. I guess I didn't put enough of an explanation into my reasoning in my first comment :twilightsheepish:

I think what this guy is trying to say, is that different people need different wake-up calls. Some need the DSM-5 entry, some need to recognize the problem in someone else (and see that it's possible, if hard, to get out of it).

In the end, it's just a bit of fiction, I think. And as far as that, it's a little shot about shaky hope. I like it.

"I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I'M SCARED!" Rainbow screamed. Tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she finally broke down into a sobbing mess.

Sometimes I wonder why I curl up into my blanket and read late in the night crying my eyes out

"I don't give a shit. You're going to eat this sandwich," the pegasus asserted.

Damn. This stabbed me right in the heart.

I've had to say this to friends. More than once.

Login or register to comment