Make It Stop
I want to die.
This single, four-word thought was at the core of Twilight's existence. Every day, it would pop up in her head, at least once, usually more. She rarely had the energy to go outside for fresh air, so she was often shut in her library, windows closed, curtains drawn. No one really bothered visiting. Aside from Rainbow Dash crashing into the library, she didn't see her friends often. At first, she wanted to see them. She knew that talking with her friends would be incredibly beneficial to her slowly degrading mental health. But as time passed, she stopped caring. One month, two, no huge events demanded her presence with the Elements, and other social events hadn't come up to drag her out of her library and make her talk to ponies. Four months, still nothing. Once the library had been sufficiently cleaned, she "allowed" Spike to go hang out with Rarity, which kept him out of the library, and less likely to notice Twilight's worsening mental stability.
Twilight didn't cry when the depression threatened to drown her, nor when her anxiety threatened to crush her. She couldn't cry at all. She didn't feel sad when her depression came in like the tide. She felt nothing. She was just there. For a while, she was afraid of the numbness. She would try anything she could to feel something. She tried reading books to escape to somewhere else, hoping that she could feel something there. But that only lasted for so long. She tried overeating to feel shame and not eating to feel fear. But those tactics didn't work, and soon enough, she just stopped feeling hungry. Sometimes for days on end. Occasionally, her stomach would hurt enough to make her eat an apple, or some other insignificant piece of food, praying that she would just die of exhaustion.
Twilight paced around the library, not entirely conscious of what time it was or where she was, or if she was even awake at all. She was bored out of her mind, and nothing could satisfy her. She tried sketching something, but couldn't even get the first stroke straight. Her magic had grown unstable, and sometimes it would cut out entirely. Just last week, she dropped a cup of freshly brewed coffee on herself because of this. Now, with her magic barely able to be practical to use, she had gotten used to doing things manually, and quickly found out just how physically uncoordinated she was.
A knock pierced the silence, drawing a small measure of attention from the unicorn. She kept pacing, hoping that whoever was at the door would just go away and leave her to waste away as she'd been doing.
Another knock. This time a little stronger, a little more desperate. "Twilight, I know for a fact you're home," a familiar, crackly voice followed. "You haven't come out in three weeks. Open up!"
Twilight felt her heart pounding. She couldn't open the door. She couldn't let her friends see her like this. She couldn't let them find any hints that she had that four-word thought. She couldn't let them see that.
"Twilight, I may not be as strong as Applejack, but I can still kick your door down. Please just open up," Rainbow called.
Twilight swallowed the lump in her throat and called back, "I'm fine, just go away!"
A brief pause. "Even I can tell that's a lie."
Twilight cursed under her breath. "Please just go away, Rainbow."
"Not until you let me in."
"Rainbow, please just go away..."
"No, Twilight. This is not up for negotiation. You're going to let me in, and then we're going to talk, and only then will I leave you alone. Now for the love of Luna let me in already," the pegasus outside said. "We're really worried about you, Twi."
Against everything her anxiety was telling her, Twilight opened the door. Rainbow jumped a bit at the sight of Twilight. The unicorn's mane was frazzled and unkempt, matted and knotted to the point that Rarity would have outright puked at the sight of it. The rest of her fur wasn't much better, only spared the knotting due to how much shorter it was than the hair in her mane and tail. "Sweet Celestia you look like hell," Rainbow murmured on her way in.
"Thanks," Twilight hissed in response. Once she noticed Rainbow's saddlebags, she asked, "What's with the luggage?"
"Spike and Fluttershy are worried you haven't been eating. Spike noticed that the food's been ending up in the trash instead of in a stomach, and he asked Fluttershy what to do about it," Rainbow replied as she reached into her saddlebags and pulled out a pair of sandwiches. "So she made some sandwiches and told me to come make sure you eat."
"I'm not—"
"I don't give a shit. You're going to eat this sandwich," the pegasus asserted.
Twilight fell silent, trying to think of some way to get out of her current situation. Rainbow pulled out a pair of paper plates along with the sandwiches, and passing Twilight her sandwich. For a while, she just stared at it, praying that she wouldn't have to eat it, that she wouldn't have to put the effort into living that eating required of her.
I can't do this.
Another four-word thought, simple, but just as insidious as the previous: the sound of hope dying, of confidence fading out of existence, leaving Twilight void of light, warmth, and resistance. She lowered her head, listening to her stomach growl and feeling even more disgusted at herself for it. Her body was starving, begging her to feed it, but her mind refused to believe it. She didn't need food for what she planned to do. She needed to avoid food like the plague; cast it out of her home and forsake all temptations for it.
"I'm not leaving until I see you eat," Rainbow said.
"Why are you doing this?" Twilight murmured quietly.
"Because I care—"
"Why are you forcing me to suffer?" Twilight growled, a little louder.
"Twilight, stop."
"I just want to be left alone—"
"Twilight, please..."
"—so I can just stop existing—"
"I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I'M SCARED!" Rainbow screamed. Tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she finally broke down into a sobbing mess.
Twilight stared at the pegasus. As she collapsed into a crying heap, Twilight began to feel something in her heart, strengthening with each shallow beat. Pain, the very thing Twilight had spent weeks trying to starve away, came forth again. Sadness wiped her eyes, and freed the tears that should have come out long ago. Fear finally sounded the alarms, alerting her to the gravity of the situation that she was fully responsible for.
Twilight picked herself up and moved closer to her friend, sitting back down next to her.
"Why are you doing this?" Rainbow asked softly between sobs.
Twilight looked away, whispering just barely audibly, "I want to die..."
Rainbow looked over to Twilight with puffy, teary eyes. But there was something else there; something more. Twilight couldn't quite recognize it, but she could sense it. Wordlessly, Rainbow lifted her wing and draped it over Twilight, allowing her to feel warmth again. Twilight finally broke down and cried, her prismatic pegasus friend remaining silent, knowing that more words would only cause more pain than was necessary.
"I am not okay," Twilight sobbed out.
"I know... Just let it all out..."
"I'm sorry..."
"I'm here for you."
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I am not sure what to think of it, but it was very good written
The four word sentences in this tell the story on their own.
This is very well written, and very well done. It reminds me of my own darker places, when I just lie in bed for a day because I don't feel anything good.
I hope you aren't suffering too, and if you are, that you have friends and family who can be a light for you.
We all need a light sometimes.
Wow... this was powerful, especially with not knowing what caused this, if anything did at all. Sometimes people just go to dark places in their minds. Very well written. This is going to my special bookshelf, which I hold in even higher regard than my favorites.
While short, this story took me THERE...
6328768
6328835
Truth be told, this is written partially from my own experience with depression and anxiety. They are always there. There is not always a trigger or cause. The 'why' is not important. It doesn't matter how it happened, only that it happened.
</3 DarqFox
'Yup, this one hurt. Well written, author.
6328843 Yeah. I know that there's no real rhyme or reason to depression or anxiety.
As a fellow long time sufferer, I know that there's not much I can say beyond I hope that you can get the help you need, and that you have support from people that care.
And if you ever need someone to just listen, I'd be happy to.
As I said before, we all need a light sometimes.
So sad :(
am i the only one who wouldn't mind seeing a sequel to this?
For such a short story this had a lot of feels in it
Good job ^^
I adore this.
It has been proven that people with higher intellect are more prone to depression. You captured sorrow so beautifully and described it so well that I am at a loss for words. As someone who has battled with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, I appreciate this fic. It also shows that you need to stick by your friends, even if they try to push you away. You never really know what's going on.
Well done!
6328567
Wow, well noticed!
I hope there is a continuation. something to conclude this.
Definitely one i would like to see more to.
Wow!!! What I thought would be another sadfic to be sad. What I got was a beautiful story about overcoming something that affects everyone. Well done. Well done. Don't know what else to say. It was an amazing read. This story is a good story to talk about with those that do struggle with depression. You have earned the favorite. Thanks.
Yup! That's depression! Though it's different for everyone, of course. Not sure about the 'resolution' because it seemed a bit quick to me (though of course it's only the beginning of a long treatment for the disease that will never go away - I mean this first step seemed quick) but the build-up was excellent and the message ... pure. Good. Clean. It was really good.
I was going to type some tips on dealing with depression but then I realized that a) it doesn't really matter as everyone is different and 2) the way I do it (haven't had to in a long time, mind) can be ... dangerous. So yeah! I like it and ... that's all.
6334425
The "resolution" is not a true resolution. I know first-hand that it doesn't go away. Ever. It's always there and there is no "cure". There is no "recovery". If it's there, it's there, and you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. The ending was simply there to let the reader make of it what they will.
6334206
Thank you for your kind words. It always brightens my day to see others enjoying my work.
</3 DarqFox
Wow that was very butterfly written.
I have no words otter then that relay you captured the feeling of depression very well, having gone trough depression myself i relay can relate.
Those four words will never win, but some days it just feels like that would be the best course of action.
~Tobben
6334466 You're welcome. Now to check out your other stories and see what's there.
I am afraid to read this.
Sorry if I miss spell things its hard to type with tears in your eyes..
Sad Fics are what drew me into the fandom. Always got a kick out of them.
But I have a close friend who's basically....where Twilight is in this story right now. Wants real treatment but can't afford it. Hates themselves for it. I'm constantly afraid that I'll wake up to a suicide note on their blog. It's horrible.
I've tried everything, I've said everything you're supposed to....I don't know what else to do.
Great fic, but it was definitely hard for me to read.
I agree with the comments on here; this is very well written.
And to put this professionally, my only complaint was that I felt it was rather choppy in a few places, some punctuation and so on like that. It's a step above nitpicky, things that could be fixed to make it flow better.
When I read it and think back, you could have made this longer and given some more detail as to why Twilight was this depressed (the cause of). That much would have made the story more relateable to a few people, and given the story more depth and overall character.
I still enjoyed it, and you get an honest 7/10, and my like and fav. Keep up the good work!
6338903
In this particular story, there is no "cause" of Twilight's depression. It's just there. For a lot of people, including myself, depression has no cause, nothing that triggers it, nothing that put the depression there in the first place. To those people, it simply just is. And often that makes no sense to people, but I can assure you that that's how it is. This story takes that approach.
</3 DarqFox
Well this is starting out great!
6338926 well i hope youre getting better
6338926
Unfortunately confirmed. It makes it hard when you can't find the cause. It also makes it hard when I spent the first 99% of my life perfectly content and then... BAM! Don't know the cause, but it's a real struggle always. Sometimes, as sad as it is, it's also comforting to know that someone else "gets you." Great story!
It's always exciting for people to step out of comfort zones and try something new, something different. I don;t know your other stories, but if this is the case and you tried something new, I applaud you. You did a lot of good work on the emotional content in the story. Grammar is good, characters are good.
My single complaint was that it was too short, and didn't give me enough information. Like why is Twilight feeling this way? I am happy though that there is a sequel out which is what brought me here. Hopefully some more of this story is expanded in that one.
6338926 Yeah I have been there too. It doesn't have to have a cause.
That picture is from Vermillion's Friendship is Tragic right? Excellent fic if you get the chance. The first, if not only fanfic to make me cry, which does not happen often. I hope this does the same.
If I realized I was that much of a Mary Sue, I might think the same thing. This isn't a Comedy so: Dark.
That usually isn't mentioned unless Rainbow wants to see her but can't work up the courage.
That sounds exactly like what depression is.
She sounds seriously ill.
LiarLight.
Who cares about that manipulative cow Celestia?
Now that I have got to see.
Good choice on pony, this is not a job for Fluttershy.
That one is a lot less dangerous, more common, and maybe more frightening.
There we go. She cares for someone else, and she will care for herself too.
Bittersweet.
This was dang short, but enjoyable.
Good story. As someone who's suffered from chronic depression most of my adult life a lot of the thoughts/emotions expressed here definitely struck a chord.
I would have liked a bit more at the start to explain where the depression came from, though. But that's just me. Still a good story!
I came here to read this after I read Foal's Errand's "Dear Princess Celestia", because it was recommended to me in the recommended fics section. I figured that this would be a similar story, and for most regards, it was, but the addition of eating disorders developing in an attempt to control the pain that someone with depression feels was an interesting touch. This fic didn't make me feel much, I'm afraid (a fate that Dear Princess Celestia befell as well), but you have a clear skill in writing, so it was not unenjoyable.
I have trouble with certain fics like this because I've never truly experienced suicidal thoughts.
Depression, though...
I know the claws of depression all to well, having suffered that as a result of low self-esteem issues for the majority of my life.
So I know what Twilight- and Rainbow Dash, who strikes me as having gone or is going through the same thing -is going through. I never starved myself, though I have used gluttony as a fix. Food, books, and video games.
There's no real cure for this kind of thing except life.
I almost cried. Almost. Had you had a few more lines with Twilight starting to break down the walls, it would have been game over for that.
Okay...This was a good fic. Good for the feels. I've been in that dark hole before, and seeing how a friend can lift you up, how a friend would be scared of seeing you go through that. Really touched me deep. Thank you.
Felt nothing!
Not sure whether to be ashamed at that, or thankful, I'm not blubbering.
Also, I feel there should be more to this. Probably like Dash helping Twilight through her recovery, like "Unwell"
Hope you don't mind, but I'm writing a fic that may reference this. It will be focused more on Rainbow and will give a reason for Twi's mentally degrading state. Again, I hope you don't mind
6341331
Sorry for such a late response.
Firstly, it's not out of my comfort zone, it just isn't my favored genre.
Second, there is no "cause" for Twilight's depression. Like most cases of depression, there is no "cause." It's just there. It's always been there, and since there is no cure, it will always be there.
Third, there is in fact a sequel that's been out for a while. Check it out if you haven't already.
<3 DarqFox
6626736
I've noticed all of that from reading your other comments later on. I have read "Am I Worth It?" in hopes of some more answers to my questions and such.
http://youtu.be/WWaLxFIVX1sOOOO not the sandvich anything but the sandvich!
6626736 I think from personal experience that there's always a cause deep down or loosely tied to depression, but that cause isn't always what matters.
The idea of Living itself can be depressing, but you don't always need to know that's why I'm depressed to cheer me up
data.whicdn.com/images/66007529/large.gif
Firstly i suffer from depression, and second, as much as i want to keep reading and will keep reading it makes my depression worse, because i know theres no one will give a fuck more than rainbow does :D
I didn't really feel anything from this fic, but it was well written enough for me to fave.
7361184
I do!
This should be what people find when they Google what depression is like, not a page written by a medical professional who has no idea what it's like.
8660671
I appreciate the sentiment, but I disagree with your point. When people Google depression, they should find the medical stuff. Finding the DSM-5 entry on Major Depressive Disorder allowed me to see what was going on in my head from an outside perspective, unmuddled by the subjectivity and fog of my own malfunctioning brain. While finding something like this story certainly makes those who have it feel validated and not alone, it doesn't help. Being able to bring the knowledge of your depression to a medical professional in the terms that they studied it in makes their job of helping you get better much easier, and allows them to find treatment options that are more effective for you.
<3 DarqFox
8675858
I meant as to when people Google what having depression is like when they do not have it themselves. My thinking was of a parent trying to understand what their child is going through with depression and only finding articles that seem to give only textbook definitions. When you have depression yourself articles by medical professionals are typically what help in explaining why as you already know how it actually feels. I guess I didn't put enough of an explanation into my reasoning in my first comment
8675858
I think what this guy is trying to say, is that different people need different wake-up calls. Some need the DSM-5 entry, some need to recognize the problem in someone else (and see that it's possible, if hard, to get out of it).
In the end, it's just a bit of fiction, I think. And as far as that, it's a little shot about shaky hope. I like it.
Sometimes I wonder why I curl up into my blanket and read late in the night crying my eyes out
Here is a reading of your fic: https://youtu.be/g5l7gCWLGwQ
Damn. This stabbed me right in the heart.
I've had to say this to friends. More than once.