• Member Since 26th Dec, 2012
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You now face godlike judgement. May it extend eternally.


This story is a sequel to I Am Not Okay

Six months have passed since Rainbow showed up with sandwiches. Twilight is by no means okay, but at least she's on the road to recovery. Right?

Trigger Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and actions, depression, and anxiety.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 41 )

It's short, but it gets right to the point without seeming like it's been rushed into production. Some things really are as simple as they appear.

My only question is why Rainbow Dash, apparently knowing so much about depression, didn't add regular physical contact to the recovery regimen she put Twilight on?

I absolutely love this. It reminds me of the things that I struggle with, the emptiness in my heart, the darkness that controls me like a I'm a puppet, and how I want them to go away. I know they won't go away, but I'm living because of the ones who love me. I love that I can relate to Twilight. It's nice to feel that I'm not alone. Thank you for making this well written story.

Ah, the feels. I love this, where it's going. I pray to Celestia that you make a few more... Resolution.

This' so accurate too.


I didn't expect you to continue with it. Well done. If there's a part three I eagerly await it.

I don't wish to speak out of turn, or to start any kind of argument, but I feel obligated to point out that in MOST cases, depression and anxiety can be reduced considerably through proper medical treatment. I really wouldn't want anyone who reads (or writes) this story to leave with the impression that this kind of mental illness, to this degree, is permanent, just something you "have to live with" because that's absolutely not the case.

That ultimately depends, not only on the type of depression being discussed, but on the type of person that's being affected by it.

6337574 No, that makes sense. Biologically speaking, isn't depression just... well... hormones that affect your brain? I mean, most every emotion can be explained by hormones and bodily functions and chemicals. :applejackunsure: (I mean no offense to those with actual depression, I myself have felt a bit of it over the years)

Are you ok? You write such beautiful story's I am sure if you need to talk someone they would be more than happy to listen. Sorry if I have over stepped my bounds your story(s) have touched me deeply.


Key phrase being "proper medical treatment". Easier said than done in a country where universal healthcare is derided as "communism" and the biggest mental health treatment centers are PRISONS. :trixieshiftleft:

While yes, I do know that proper medical care can lead to significant reduction in depression, the fact remains that the condition is still there. Medical treatment cannot, at the current level that I am aware of, cure depression. However, in regards to medical treatment, there are those who do not wish to use medications, as those medications can lead to the patient not feeling like themselves, or other side effects they may not be able to tolerate. In my own personal case, I don't wish to take medications because my creativity is one of my defining personality traits, and I do not wish to risk impairing it in even the slightest capacity.

Seeking or not seeking professional medical attention is entirely Twilight's choice, and is not important to this story.

</3 DarqFox

6337258 Huh. I'm only living because the universe itself is too amazing. Watching humanity's progress in understanding is beautiful.


In my own personal case, I don't wish to take medications because my creativity is one of my defining personality traits, and I do not wish to risk impairing it in even the slightest capacity.

Most people with depression already don't feel like themselves, so they don't feel it can get any worse. I used to be very creative, but the depression makes it very, very hard to get any motivation. I now just sleep and read most of the day. I hate it. I used to make dozens of songs every couple months. Now I'm lucky if I make a song a year. You are lucky your creativity is still intact.

6339006 In my eyes, besides spectacular moments, it's just dull and grey. A society of people who hurts others. Though I can say that nature, such as plants and all of that jazz is beautiful. But really, the last thing I wanna do is die and sadden my family and friends. It's why I avoid death at all costs.

6339011 I see all of you guys that suffer from your illness and shit and I realise how lucky I truly am I hope all of you get better honest:twilightsmile: im not creative either though dont feel like you dont have anybody else.


Though I can say that nature, such as plants and all of that jazz is beautiful.

Nature is cruel and uncaring. You cannot negotiate with a wasp laying her eggs inside a live spider. Stuff like that is the norm with nature. Humans have empathy, and most humans actually choose to use it. Humans have extended our life-spans. Humans have invented medical practices that have dropped the death rate of infants by a staggering level. Humans are, at the moment, actually in the most peaceful we have been in centuries. That may change, but it doesn't change the fact that the percentage of humans dying in wars this past decade have dropped to the lowest levels in hundreds of years. Humans are animals, and because of that we have flaws, but we are as much a part of nature as any lion, or bug.

6340660 But I used to be creative. It's like loosing an arm. But worse.

6340742 'Plants and all that jazz'

Or the sun and moon. The dirt. The very air we breathe. The things that sustain life itself. Trees, grass, bushes, all beautiful. We rely on them to live and they don't protest. They simply give and give, despite us taking them for granted. Sure they don't have cognitive thoughts, or emotion, but it's still life. Life that we'd be nothing without. It's beautiful to me. It looks beautiful and the things they do are beautiful. I just can't really find myself liking humans too much. I don't hate 'em though. I particularly hate the way they treat each other. They are strong, yet stubborn, and don't like compromise. A lot do, but then there's the giant amount that doesn't. You know how big Africa is? Well, almost all of Africa hates gays and wants them all dead, and even their government wants them dead. An entire country of people (Except the gays, obviously). Everywhere, you can find so much hate. And that's why I'm not too fond of humans.

Just read both this and its predecessor. They're a bit hamfisted, and especially in this fic Twilight and Dash are obviously just serving as mouthpieces. But for what both the fics are, I think that's ok. As outlets for speaking up about depression, they get a meaningful message across in a short amount of time.

I can't claim to be an expert on depression, but I will say, from what I read I believe you have talent as a writer.

*see's the complete tab

Dammit. Okay, some questions were answered that I really like. Cause of depression - totally happens all the time. It just does. The hints are more than enough to gain a understanding of why RD is there. I think there are two love and having similar depression.

But I want more! :raritydespair:

6341001 The African problem you are taking about is 100% Christians' fault. If religion didn't exist, then they wouldn't have the excuse of god telling them hating gays is just. Viloence is an animal thing, but religion is purely a human creation that pits 'us' against 'them'. Without it the world would be a lot less bigoted. There would still be bigots, but at least it wouldn't be based on fairy tails.

You look at the negative, but not the positive. Why? Humans will be the mechninism for life teaveling the galaxy if you let us, but at the moment we are young. We are children just now figuring out how to stack blocks, and learning that something can be theirs. Give humans a few more millennia, and then we will either be dead, or wonderful. Give us a few hundred million years and we will either be dead, or spread across multiple planets, spreading other life with us. We will evolve into many different species, because how could we not with all the isolation that will occur? Imagine, thousands of different alien species, all decendent of humanity. Glorious.

I'll be honest. The main reason why I'm gonna read this is because the smaller description said something about Twilight recovering over Rainbow bringing sandwiches. Never forget the Sandwiches of '83

6341800 Yes, religion. We keep creating things to argue over all if the time. Why so negative about humanity? Because of how everyone is treating each other over stupid things. I look at some of the kind and smart people in the world, and they are the only hope we have. But as generations pass, people are getting dumber. Little kids are cursing and getting kicked out of school, not even trying to go somewhere, even as they grow into teens. It's like 1/3 of the population is good. The rest... are just batshit insane. Or ignorant and cruel. Or just plain dumb. But I can appreciate those who actually have common sense and great personalities.

I don't completely hate humans. I'm just always surrounded by negativity and idiots, with me being one too. I, just like lots of people out there, am insane, dumb, and cruel, even though I hate being that way. It's just who I am. So... maybe it's my own self pity clouding up my mind and making me think bad of most of this world. I have nice friends and all that. I shouldn't even be complaining. You know, people go through worse. I may not have my own free will, and am controlled by my insanity, but people go through worse. I should just... stop being so negative about it. Just give up and live like this for the rest of my life. It's not like it matters.

6343608 You're right. You have friends, you shouldn't be this negative if you can see something in others to be friends with them. I have zero friends, and I find that everyone around me is either Ignorant or just plain stupid, but I realize that is because of bad luck, not humanity.

6343978 Well, being trapped in this cell of my mind tends to make me have negative thoughts. I keep telling myself that this won't change. That I will forever be corrupted and controlled by darkness... but never fully accepted it. If I just accept it, I wouldn't be negative. I'd be able to realize that, yes, most people are better than me, because I am simply a monster. There's nothing wrong with humanity. It's me who is at fault here.

Rainbow ended up spending a lot of time in Twilight's home.

That's what's really going to heal Twilight.

Had anyone not known better, ponies would have mistaken Rainbow for Twilight's personal nurse, or a potential marefriend.

Wait, maybe that's what happened between Lyra and Bon-Bon? I for one would not mind Rainbow being her marefriend.

she was still anxious around her.

I would get anxious around her too, but for different reasons.

Love, be it platonic or romantic, is the single most powerful emotion and feeling anypony can ever feel, and once found, it can really help.

Even a smidgen of light/love can pierce the darkness in her.

"Am I worth it?"


Only thing I'll point out is that Rainbow doesn't really sound like Rainbow to me. Having Twilight or Rainbow bring her other friends in and having this be in Rarity's or Fluttershy's voice would have suited on a character level better. Or even Celestia or Luna. I just can't hear Rainbow Dash in the character above, I'm sorry.

Other than that ... yeah. Everything else is dandy.

Oh my goodness this made me so very emotional! I can really relate to them both

6360942 Though it never directly says this, I'm pretty sure Rainbow used to be depressed. The way she said that it would never go away, but love could help, it seemed like she was speaking from experience.

Uhh, yeah that's a bit obvious. But that doesn't matter - it's not the subject matter, it's word-choice and usage I'm talking about. The WORDS sound like they come from Rarity or Fluttershy. Rainbow would say the same thing but use different words to express herself.

Painfully accurate. Just because you try to pull yourself out of suicidal depression doesn't mean that the pain and desire to die disappear. There's a feeling of shame when months pass after you start getting help but thoughts of death still cross your mind. Even years later, when you find motivation again, become productive, find joy in things... scars don't disappear, and wanting to die is a scarring thing indeed.

6363914 I also felt that the way she said it was out of character.

Can you do a sequel to this? Like if she gets better, or the others find out or something? :heart: Please. It's a awesome story

Truth be told, "I Am Not Okay" and this story were written because I was feeling the emotions written about here. Those feelings have passed, and writing about them when I'm not actively feeling them is very dangerous to my mental and physical health. I'm sorry, but this story has to remain the end of the line.

<3 DarqFox

6409987 I completely understand. I've been there before and it is a very dark place . :fluttershysad:

This abd the other were the first stories aboh suicide and pretty much was interesting and dark. It was quite accurate in how a depressed person would be and how hard is to deal with somebody who wants to die

awesome, i really wish this could be a series but then i read the comment below :twilightsheepish:

It would be nice if you could 'pass on the torch', so to speak.

I understand why you don't want to continue writing this, and by the Nine if it were to be harmful to you - by all means don't touch it again even once in your life. :-) But the other commenters are right - this story has so much potential for many, many more little vignettes into this Twilight's life (and possibly a few for the others) that it's almost painfully sad there's no follow-up.

Reading through the comments, I have this to say:
1) Medication can totally help. I had to use it. It made me feel like I was being dragged by a rope through the water. But it kept me above the water. I stayed there for a while until I was actually able to pull myself up.

2) physical touch is huge. But only for people that need it. I've known quite a few people in my life that absolutely hate getting hugs. Hugs wouldn't help them.

3) Time is always needed. I'm a happy go lucky type guy, but it still took me two years to fully recover from one episode. And about six months for another episode. And the shorter recovery time was when I finally concluded that being depressed was okay and nothing to be ashamed of. My friends helped a lot too.

4) I still carry it with me. Sure I'm here, at work, being productive and feeling fine. Happy, even, since it's my Friday:pinkiehappy: But it's still there. I feel it swimming around inside me whenever I think about it. It's kind of weird to acknowledge it without letting it take over. It took me a long time to build these mental defenses that still allowed me to enjoy life. But they can still get knocked down. And I'm not saying that everyone can do this. I just got lucky.

Hey, you okay if I do a Audio reading of this?

I know someone made a reading of I Am Not Okay a while back, but did so without asking me first, so thank you for at least having the courtesy to do that. To answer, I'd prefer people not, but I won't stop you or report the recording if you post it somewhere. I'm just some chick on the internet.


I mostly really want to do an audio reading since this story honestly connected with me on such a deep level.

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