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After the events of "Magic Duel", Trixie abandons Ponyville after all the trouble she caused, afraid of what will happen if she were to stay. During her long travel, she stops at a diner to get some food, but this decision will affect Trixie much more than she expects.
Thanks to Midnight Radio Hotline for pre reading this story and for providing editing advice.
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I can't believe you where nervous about it. I loved the writing and the description was amazing. I really liked how she shifted from first to third person when she kind of recovered in the bar. Seemed a little off that ponyville would send somepony out to find her after what she did, but twilight does have a lot of influence and it was somepony who wasn't there that was sent, so it's still believable. I really liked this one, you did a good job on it.
5601002 Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
This is a good story. I enjoyed reading it here.
Your style here reminds me of my own somehow.
5601012 I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it. Thank you.
5601004 It was definitely worth reading.
I can see why you let friends look at your stories to see if they are good to submit, this one is definitely good.
5601056 Thank you.
5601106 You're welcome,
So this was all the hoo-ha a while back?
Damn. Not bad. Not bad at all. I could have said the change between depressixie and happyixie could have been a little better-- having the speech change was okay--, but the switch hadn't been too impactful. Good, but not like... uber amazing if you get me. Slow down, delve between the difference between and unmotivated Trix and a motivated one (head movement, eyes, speech, action etc) and emphasise on her reaction to hearing the news.
Now don't get me wrong on this point, but I think Trixie wouldn't have easily accepted Cloud Winger's message for she values her pride way more than she should. If she did, she would have hated the fact that she wasn't as great as Twilight, and being prideful as she is, she will not accept defeat. Yes, eventually she will return, but only as a mere challenge to Twilight to reclaim her pride. If so, she'll never forgive herself for being humiliated by Twi not only once, but twice.
But other then that character flaw, this was written well and definitely worth a read.
5601253 Thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to keep that in mind for my future stories.
In all seriousness though, this is really good! I'm a total sucker for stories about characters suffering in poor weather (blame Wind in the Willows for that) and that comes across beautifully in your descriptions.
That was excellent! Some of the best writing I've ever seen you do.
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Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
One little nit: wasn't Trixie already looking down when the sandwich was placed on the bar, which she then looked down to see?
5605634 Thanks for catching that.
5607292 Ah, okay. For a moment I was wondering if she was looking down, then down further in more detail - the sandwich was just that small - then maybe down further to inspect the texture of the bread, then down further to examine the remnants of the wheat cells that went into it, then down further into the molecular chains that made up the bread, then down further to inspect the atomic bonds, then down further...
So I'm about to post a review for ya. Overall I thought there was a lot that could be improved for sure, but I don't feel like reading this was a waste of time in any sense.
" response. Actually look hard at the advice/critique offered and ask other people about it too if you can't figure out what people mean. We're all here to help each other.
On that note, if you ever think you want a prereader, don't hesitate to ask me in future—but you've got to cut the self-depreciating attitude, y'hear? There's a difference between acknowledging your flaws and moaning about them to everyone.
Keep your chin up and keep writing. I think your problems can easily be solved by having a more positive attitude, and actually getting some hardcore editors that you can learn from. And if you get a thorough critique on a story pointing out everywhere it could be improved, don't just wave it off with a generic, "Thank you for the advice, I hope I do better next time.
So this reads with a little bit of melancholy, and a little bit of Trixie getting back on her hooves, in a not-too-bad way. Trixie's time in the diner just looking around and talking with Spring Cleaning does her a world of good, as does Cloud Kicker's appearance at the end.
However, some of the metaphors you employ here are practically tortured in straining to make them. Likening Trixie to the fence early one is one of them for example:
That's incredibly cringeworthy, and that's one of a few examples in the story.