- Member Since 28th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 16th, 2023
Crimmar
If you find an instance of me being wrong, that's non-canon.
Crimmar
Joined 28th Jun, 2015 ·
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This looks good! Upvote and Favorite.
Story-wise, an excellent start! I hope you have more in store because I would like to see it continued. Unless intentional for an as yet unknown reason, I have to point out the absence of a physical description of our HiE leaves a hole in the scenes you're otherwise painting very well.
That being said, I suggest you find a proofreader or editor. Way too many lower case "I" pronouns and incorrect usage of punctuation takes a bit from the story. I'd hate to see this get negged for easily fixable errors.
Keep at it! Have an upvote and a track; the fav will come later with progression and correction.
It's been a while since a story description excited me, I think I'll read this later on and edit this comment to add my thoughts so far. Also the picture is cute...
You have my attention
I'm most definitely going to read this, I've had an idea of a similar concept involving a human befriending Luna who later takes on as an apprentice of sorts to untimely become her personal guard. For some reason this story has that feel and actually sounds different and original when compared to the cast HIE stories. Plus at 6k words for the opening chapter I'm hoping great things will come from this story.
6515220
Unless the lowercase "i" is a stylistic choice. To show how self deprecating he is. Sort of like the reverse of talking about yourself in the third person.
seems damn good so far.
tracked
This is quite good. Keep up the awesomeness.
Um... you didn't capitalize your i's. Don't know if that was intentional or a mistake.
(Summary)
Typo: 2x its
("it's vs its" like: "I'm vs mine")
(quick story check:)
its shelf
I very much like it, although the errors do detract a little bit from the experience. A fine first start. I can offer my services as a prereader if you'd like.
Its...not bad. I admittedly was enjoying it up till the whole 'Canterlot nobles are assholes' part, which sort of just struck me as using them for a quick conflict sort of scenario. Realistically speaking, it would prove more fruitful to get in the good graces of Celestia's student, rather then the opposite.
And Celestia is perfectly fine with having someone who is literally willing to go ape-shit on someone over a relatively trivial matter as a guard? That is...actually something canon sun horse would fucking do.
I also don't know how far your going with the AU tag, so it may be unfair to make assumptions.
All in all, worth a track I guess.
6518060 The i's not being capitalized is a mistake. I wrote some very differing drafts of the first chapter at first -which have been unceremoniously cast into the purging depths of the recycle bin- and I did so using Word which I relied on to fix as I obliviously typed on. When I realized that bold, italics and other settings are not transferred over with copy-paste I started writing straight on the site. And that's where the magic happened.
p.s. Yes, I had to fix the i's even on this comment
p.s. Even on the postscript above, god damn me to hell.
Aww come on man more!
Also, if you wrote light as a wave thing because you forgot the name of the particle it's called a photon. Just putting it out there.
He seems very similar to Rainbow Dash and Applejack but with a streak of cruelty to those who harm others especially those that choose to harm those he loves like Twilight.
6518125 That's why I generally copy-paste my stories to Google Docs, which I believe actually does carry over the formatting data - or at least I can write it there with the formatting, and then import that over to FiMFiction.
You my new friend have captured my interest.
6518289 me to
Can't wait for more. This first chapter has got me hooked.
well written, and good premise. I'm hooked. :)
Not a bad start although you really need to look it over before uploading it from now on, half the time you forget to capitalize the "I" and it's really annoying as you keep making that mistake over and over again.
6518522 Well the guy is Greek and it doesn't say he has a proof reader or anything.
Also, maybe you should stop thinking about something as small as non capitalized "I" 's and just enjoy the story?
6518555
If it gets distracting enough, errors like that can pull someone from a story. It's like if I suddenly had two the's the's in this sentence, and then you see similar errors in every sentence after. Wouldn't that that be annoying?
6518566 I didn't even notice any errors while reading the story so I wouldn't know.
Maybe it's because English isn't my native language so I don't notice errors as much as you do?
6518582
Might be. It's possibly because I edit short stories all the time for a magazine, plus having to edit my own stories all the time, so any error being consistently made may make my eyebrow twitch. It depends on my mood. To others, they might not care as long as the sentence is a complete thought that doesn't careen off a cliff.
This look promising. I will wait for the next chapter.
i like this story so far
its awesome
more please!
You dirty whore! I was going to write something kinda similar to this... Still, it looks super interesting, so I'll be giving it a read now and will just have to deviate from my plans if they seem to have too many similarities like I'd expect.
Not even two chapters in and you already have my favorite. Good job, Sir. Good job.
Sir, you've my attention.
I'll put this in my 'read later' list. I think that I'll enjoy this as much as I think.
Well, you certainly have my attention. Not enough content to really judge yet, but I'll keep an eye out for updates.
No romance?
Great we are starting good there, that's a typical thing that most people do with this
4.bp.blogspot.com/-Cb8sCrhrXEY/UQBXfzoMCYI/AAAAAAAABe4/m4PsZ8SILAA/s1600/django-meme-generator-madam-you-had-my-curiosity-but-now-you-have-my-attention-1c91f2.jpg
Hmm not bad. I'm waiting for more.
Intrigued.
Usually I don't read this kind of stories, but this one got my attention.
6518590
You know what I love?
You this read wrong
6519907
Nope, did read not wrong, just read with right words.
You missed a question mark there. :D
6519913 mm I did
I shall fix it
i1-news.softpedia-static.com/images/news2/Team-Fortress-2-Goes-Free-to-Play-Gets-Meet-the-Medic-Video-2.jpg
MFW this story:
31.media.tumblr.com/762ee314083d2e35c11c118c2d57bb27/tumblr_inline_nuvka2aAmR1rqo3at_500.gif
MFW it has only one chapter:
slm-assets1.secondlife.com/assets/7495050/lightbox/darth_vader_noooo.jpg?1365367238
In conclusion: A unique, almost Twilight Zone (pun unavoidable) story. The MC isn't perfect. He knows he isn't. And he accepts that. This is the kinda shit I WANT to see more on FiMFiction. It's glorious. Like, a Ferrari filled with beautiful women, my mom's delicious calzone, and a bunch of Coca Cola kinda glorious. Although, I feel the whole 'nobles hate the human because blatant racism' thing is something of a cliche, but then again, I suppose that it can't be perfect.
Now, MAKE MORE, SLAVE! *cracks whip*
wright more pleaz
upvote and tracking. this has all the marks of the start of something great
moar plx
6519989 "'nobles hate the human because blatant racism'"
Actually given he's a different species it would be specieism instead.
Racism would be when the (noble) unicorns started hating on the pegasi and earth ponies.
And then they would get their flanks kicked hard by Princess Celestia for doing it.
Is this guy a Displaced from Earth?
So far so good!
6520277
Yeah, he'll go bad alright.
Twelve chapters in he'll use the salad fork for the main course.
Trully a complete monster. Send the girls to deal with him.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/134/753/130266366163.jpg
ANyway. Interesting so far, fairly believable.. but i hope the guy wont just go "full pointless brutality mode" at the drop of a hat. That wouldn't be fun.
So, he is a natural magical null? I think I read that story already, but yeah, this seems interesting. Also, good display of how humanity is double sided at one point depending on who they are dealing with. If we care about some one, we are very much big puppies. If you harm some one we care about... Well, we wiped out two cities with the force of a sun each because we wanted to end a war.
Oh dear god more chapters PLEASE! I already love this so much! Like, fav, everything! Keep up the great work!!!!
6519989 What is MFW?