• Member Since 28th Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen September 12th


If you find an instance of me being wrong, that's non-canon.


Eldritch abominations from outer space abduct an orange yokel. The country bumpkin is fine. The aliens are not.

Trigger Warning! This story contains:
- Applejack just telling the truth when asked.
- Space.
- A nutshot.
- Looting.
- Attempts to be funny.
- Celestia sneezing hard.

*Reached the top of the Feature Box! Nowhere else to go now but down!*

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 119 )

Excellent tale of strangeness, good Author.

Three hours later he was almost finished, and feeling quite at peace as he watched the hands tick while assembling the case around them.

Celestia sneezed.

This is gold. Thank you.

Now we need a sequel.:scootangel:

An absolute delight of outer space strangeness, with a hint of Hitchickers Guide to it and featuring our all favourite background apple horse. I truly lost it when Celestia sneezed in the end.

I laughed many a time while reading this, good little story.:rainbowlaugh:

Quite humerous. Cope==>Cop

This, was a beautiful start to my morning after coming home from work. Thank you.

*Sheds draconian tears of joy, after applying drops of liquid draconic tears to eyes.*

Dear lord, this is beautiful. Makes me think of some kind of glorious hybrid of Terry Pratchett's love for footnotes and P. G. Wodehouse's talent for absurdity, with a sprinkling of Douglas Adams for Sci Fi flair. :pinkiehappy:One thing I noticed needed correcting, though.

“Rainbow Dash, eat yer heart out.” Applejack sand with tears of joy glistening at the end of her eyelashes. “Let’s see ya beat this!”

That should probably be "said."

Just good, pure awesomeness :pinkiehappy:


I was quite impressed. Not sure what i expected , but this was much better and i generally don't like HiE fics.

“The hell’s a star trek door?” Chen asked.

Don't worry, I've never seen Star Trek either.

7359757 Thank you for your kind words, and the catch! I already delved in the edit function and fixed it.

7359521 Aliens abduct a cyan braggart?

I think Mark said this will help ya fly even faster. He called it amfeta-something…

Amfetamine? Isn't that supposed to calm you down? Why not give it to Pinkie, AJ?

Mark, and Wade, huh? That's not a coincidence I assume?

7360310 Taken from wikipedia

In healthy people at oral therapeutic doses, amphetamine has been shown to increase muscle strength, acceleration, athletic performance in anaerobic conditions, and endurance (i.e., it delays the onset of fatigue), while improving reaction time.

I only paid notice to this part, and didn't check its effects on the brain. I didn't know it's also used as that, but based on what I read, amphetamines wouldn't even be a speed bump on Pinkie.

7360322 Nope, not really :derpytongue2:

...When did Douglass Adams return to life and start writing pony fanfiction?

>> Crimmar
So it is an enhancer?...Well I guess I owe a friend of mine an apology then. :twilightblush:

grips the majestic proto-god in her attuned magic

Stars are proto-gods?

*The only ones who had signed were Rose, Applejack, and Princess Luna who felt it was about time she had a new roommate at the castle.

And thus spawned a series of stories about Luna's attempts to get Twilight Sparkle as her roommate but she keeps ending up with Fluttershy's brother.

This is enjoyable and cute. Though the last scene with the clock and its implied changing don't fit with ponies having to reset their clocks after Celestia sneezes.

7360401 *Checks Calendar*
Hmm... I'd say... about fourteen to seventeen hours ago?

Thoroughly enjoyably silly.

So did that mean the clock jumped back when celestia sneezed?


How many times have the stars gazed down on the sentients that looked up to them, and wished for the unlimited freedom they offered?

sapient ("thinking" like in Homo Sapiens)
Any frog, rat, whatever with a brain is sentient (feeling pain and such)

7360648 No, but now he's in the same boat as the rest of ponykind. He'll never be able to trust a clock or a sun again.

7360695 I'm pretty sure you've made this observation on The Lunar Guardsman story too. I hope this time I'll remember the difference :pinkiesmile:


No, but now he's in the same boat as the rest of ponykind. He'll never be able to trust a clock or a sun again.

Spaceships set their clocks by galactic pulsars!

This story is brilliant. Just brilliant.

Really, the sun's irregular motion is the least of it. The sun circles the planet, which is impossible to begin with. (There's a strong theory that in fact Equestria's sun is a lot smaller than Earth's Moon, which would seem to explain the previous, except that that's also impossible). Equestria is also circled by a number of "stars" which which are a lot smaller than it's Moon, and a solid, dark Night both of which are polite enough to stay on the opposite side of Equestria from the sun. All this is, of course, impossible. :pinkiecrazy:

Amusing, although I was hoping for a more conventional alien abduction.

"What is the holdup with the anal probe?"

"Commander, I am afraid we have so far been unable to find an anus: there does not appear to be anything but fur under the tail."

"But how does this lifeform excrete?"

"We'll probably have that sorted when we figure out how they reproduce." :derpyderp2:

7360834 *blinks*
Well, I guess there's nothing else left for me both of us to do now other than delete this story and PEE UPON THE ASHES!!! accept that I will miss a fact or two, but shouldn't let this get in the way of telling a story, lest we end up like this;

(Please don't take offense. I'm just teasing.)

But.. Time isn't tied to the passage of the sun? o-o :applejackconfused:

I had to check, it wasn't me: 6944843
but... I did nag you with some typos there (its vs, it's) ;)
(As a side note to myself; read it whole some day)

Very nice, I imagined the whole thing being told by one of those high and might narrators with a foreign ascent.:rainbowkiss:

Did you see what I did there?

I think you established that clocks stay constant through the slight variations of the sun cycle through out the year only to also establish that ponies keep track of when the princess does an irregular variation for whatever reason to change their clocks and as such pony culture is giving the princesses the ability to practically decide what time it is at any moment.

Or did I miss something? Did you happen to mean something different by asking that question?


Oh... dear.... lord... I was just cracking up throughout the fic! A big thumbs up to you, sir!

Are we sure these aliens aren't kerbals? They've got that air of "how did we get this far into space without dying horribly?" vibe about them. :trollestia:


True, but without some sort of regular natural standard, it's hard to determine how to cut it up into standardized chunks. The years probably aren't exactly the same length either, even if there is a set number of days.

7361042 Time as a dimension is independent of the position of orbital bodies and is instead basted on the vibration of some molecule I can't remember the name of. 'Time of day' however, is generally governed by the position of the sun.

7360942 To be fair, these intrepid interstellar explorers were, well, a little less than stellar. :ajsmug: Don't rag on them too hard for being blind to the rest of the local scenery in their solar fixation.


Stars are proto-gods?

The sun is what humanity first considered a divine being, yes.
A giant floating ball of light beyond our grasp was pretty astonishing back then.

If you cut about 1/3 of the words, the story would have been less of a chore to read. Still funny.


That picture is hilarious

But is it an apt descriptor in this case? Celestia is referred to as being almost a goddess in the sentence right after.

7361380 I can't speak for the author on the reasoning, but before Celestia, ponies could have worshiped the sun.

I like it. A lot. A whole lot.

7360942 Your comment reminded me of the you know what from the you know what.:trollestia:

If you wish to skip the intro music go to 1:18 for the start of the narrative,

or to 6:47 for the part that your comment reminded me off.


I know the sun was seen as a god figure, the Egyptians had Horus and Ra. But that shouldn't apply to this story unless there is some previous context linking it in. As it stands now, proto-god really isn't a good way to refer to the sun. It's pushing the first couple paragraphs into a realm of purple prose.

Mark and Wade, eh?

Now we need the sequel to have Jack and Bob in it.


It's more accurate to say caesium atomic frequency is the basic unit for modern scientific time-keeping: time will continue to march forward whether or not Discord turns all the caesium atoms in the universe into cotton candy. :pinkiehappy:

(Hmph. Photo Finish gets an emotion face, but not Discord?)

7361618 um... if I may ask why did you feel the need to post the exact same video I posted here?:twilightblush:

I mean if you posted part 2 that would make sense; but why post part 1 twice?

Here is part 2,


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