RandomChance
Joined 1st Oct, 2018 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Neat, I will follow. This has great potential.
Also, FIRST!!
This is a great start, the AI idea is a bit unexpected.
Guess when you get to the kinky stuff it's better to do the six reactions not 5 or something?
9610452
It'll be along the type of thing from the first chapter, so expect some disgusting acts to be described in this story.
9612291
Thanks for the heads up.
9612296
No problemo.
Hmm not bad so far. While the whole black alicorn is a cliche it is done tactfully so I'll let that slide. Other than that nit pic the story is forming up to be interesting. It has a unique premise and has flowed rather well. However it does feel a tad rushed. However I'm going to put that up to this being the second chapter and needing to get the exposition out of the way. So overall an interesting story so far with a good premise and good writing. I can't wait for more
9617357
, I need to say this that it wasn't intentional. I wanted to have an interesting character design while also making sense in universe since the main character is basically a living computer program.
Thank you very much for the feedback, I agree with you on your critiques as well. I want this to have as little exposition as possible so I just got it out of the way here. I also forgot about that trop
9617428
Hmm well in that context it does make some sense for him to have that coloration. In a way it could be like it was ink but more in a metaphorical sense seeing as he was in the computer. It would be almost like he was printing a body that way and didn't have color ink. So in this scenario the trope works. The quick exposition isn't bad either given that it helps move the story along without feeling too unnatural. Seeing as he is a computer program so it maks sense that he has an accelerated view of reality. So props on that. All in all the choices you took made sense from a story telling point if not from a pacing point.
More please~?
Love this story and can wait for more
9617440
Wow thank you.
9617478
Ok.
9612306
Got some light grammer mistakes in chap 1.
Like this for example. You put half when it should be Have
A little constructive criticism, the pacing and reaction of the character needs a little work. He sort of just went on his way after all the stuff that just happened to him, not once feeling afraid of the world he found himself in or being a program.
Plus he made his body and started exploring a bit quick. If he had started in the body it would be no issue, but he began a program. He has had no time to proccess what is going on or to even have a plan on what to do next
9617558
True, but his program self is going to be worked in with the idea I have, which will also fulfill the mystery part of this story.
9617546
Sorry
9617486
Interesting story so far, I'll keep an eye on it but I'm more interested in your gamer story so far.
9617576
Ok, thank you for giving this a shot though.
9617574
Oh I'm not complaining about him being a program, im talking about his reaction to being one.
9617633
oh ok, well honestly, would you want to read an hie freak out for the thousandth time. I also did write him freak out a little bit at the end of the first chapter.
Sorry if this seemed a little rude.
Also I didn't want to write someone freaking out.
9617636
It's okay. Honestly, the Hie freakouts can be over done. And I wasn't saying he should be flipping out either. Hell one of my stories is a HiE , the character didn't freak out but instead got slightly depressed and wondered why. She doesn't show it around others but when she gets alone it shows. It just in my opinion needs a little something personal to the character.
Also, most importantly, you can take this and throw it in the trash. My opinion is worth shit. This is your story, have fun with it
9617659
I still value your opinion as a reader of this story, so I want to make sure people enjoy it.
9617662
And thank you, just remember to do what you want also
9617666
mk
9617578
Np long as a story gets a update every once in awhile and the story isn't hot garbage, i usually try to give them the benefit of the doubt
Too many red tags, hurt my eyes...
BTW I will follow your story
9618044
Sorry.
Not bad. The backstory for the world is good & I find myself curious to see what will happen next.
My my. Another chapter so soon? You spoil me. It's a good chapter too.
9617546
Understandable mistake tbh. I say it more like half than have. Something like "halve"
9619609
I live to surprise. I also got tons of motivation from watching Hamilton, so I'm not throwin away my shot while I can get it done.
9619619
I used to think "halve" was an actual word tbh.
Sounds fun, I'll add my like to the pile to get you some more attention. Your pacing could use some work but I don't usually mind that. The concept is good and the setup for his intelligence works well. I do dislike the 'liar reveal' storyline, but if you want to go that way I hope you do it well or quickly.
9619637
Halve is an actual word. A synonym of 'half'. It's why you say "Halved" in stead of "Halfed"
9619635
Ha! Clever. Well I hope to see more chapters of this quality from you. Sadly I don't know enough of the lyrics to make a witty pun so I bid you adieu
9619642
Oh, well I just found out my 6th grade English teacher lied to me.
Feed me
9619645
I mean, if you were using it in the sense of "Why did it halve to happen", then it's wrong. But it does mean something
I don't know if you know this but 000 is the actual number for the emergency services over here in Australia
9619619
I've had my share of typos or just being lazy when it comes to the various there/their
Humans aren't horrible creatures. Creatures in human form are horrible.
I get a lucifer vibe from this.
Why is a princess a common police officer? If anything I expected her to be chief of police.
9620452
Heh... He he... hrm.. That's debatable.
9620299
neat.
9620480
She has been an officer since before her ascendency, and I imagine she would rather work for the position despite her royal title.
9619672
maybe.
9619638
I'm not doing the reveal storyline yet.
Does he really have the need to set up this kind of mood just to ask him to join? And i'm pretty sure you have to go throught intensive training before trying to.
I just wanted to point this out, nothing big, jus' want to help this become an even better story
9622520
Well, it is Equestria, most interpretations (including this one to an extent) are pretty naïve and easily trusting.