• Member Since 1st Oct, 2018
  • offline last seen Yesterday


I have wares if you're interested

Comments ( 453 )

Neat, I will follow. This has great potential.

Also, FIRST!!

This is a great start, the AI idea is a bit unexpected.
Guess when you get to the kinky stuff it's better to do the six reactions not 5 or something?

It'll be along the type of thing from the first chapter, so expect some disgusting acts to be described in this story.

Hmm not bad so far. While the whole black alicorn is a cliche it is done tactfully so I'll let that slide. Other than that nit pic the story is forming up to be interesting. It has a unique premise and has flowed rather well. However it does feel a tad rushed. However I'm going to put that up to this being the second chapter and needing to get the exposition out of the way. So overall an interesting story so far with a good premise and good writing. I can't wait for more

Thank you very much for the feedback, I agree with you on your critiques as well. I want this to have as little exposition as possible so I just got it out of the way here. I also forgot about that trop :twilightblush:, I need to say this that it wasn't intentional. I wanted to have an interesting character design while also making sense in universe since the main character is basically a living computer program.

Hmm well in that context it does make some sense for him to have that coloration. In a way it could be like it was ink but more in a metaphorical sense seeing as he was in the computer. It would be almost like he was printing a body that way and didn't have color ink. So in this scenario the trope works. The quick exposition isn't bad either given that it helps move the story along without feeling too unnatural. Seeing as he is a computer program so it maks sense that he has an accelerated view of reality. So props on that. All in all the choices you took made sense from a story telling point if not from a pacing point.

Love this story and can wait for more

Got some light grammer mistakes in chap 1.

"I understand." I don't understand. Why did this happen?! Why did she half to die?! Why are humans such horrible creatures?!

Like this for example. You put half when it should be Have

A little constructive criticism, the pacing and reaction of the character needs a little work. He sort of just went on his way after all the stuff that just happened to him, not once feeling afraid of the world he found himself in or being a program.

Plus he made his body and started exploring a bit quick. If he had started in the body it would be no issue, but he began a program. He has had no time to proccess what is going on or to even have a plan on what to do next

True, but his program self is going to be worked in with the idea I have, which will also fulfill the mystery part of this story.

Interesting story so far, I'll keep an eye on it but I'm more interested in your gamer story so far.

Ok, thank you for giving this a shot though.

Oh I'm not complaining about him being a program, im talking about his reaction to being one.

oh ok, well honestly, would you want to read an hie freak out for the thousandth time. I also did write him freak out a little bit at the end of the first chapter.

Sorry if this seemed a little rude.

Also I didn't want to write someone freaking out.

It's okay. Honestly, the Hie freakouts can be over done. And I wasn't saying he should be flipping out either. Hell one of my stories is a HiE , the character didn't freak out but instead got slightly depressed and wondered why. She doesn't show it around others but when she gets alone it shows. It just in my opinion needs a little something personal to the character.

Also, most importantly, you can take this and throw it in the trash. My opinion is worth shit. This is your story, have fun with it

I still value your opinion as a reader of this story, so I want to make sure people enjoy it.

And thank you, just remember to do what you want also

Np long as a story gets a update every once in awhile and the story isn't hot garbage, i usually try to give them the benefit of the doubt

Too many red tags, hurt my eyes...
BTW I will follow your story

Not bad. The backstory for the world is good & I find myself curious to see what will happen next.

My my. Another chapter so soon? You spoil me. It's a good chapter too.

Understandable mistake tbh. I say it more like half than have. Something like "halve"

I live to surprise. I also got tons of motivation from watching Hamilton, so I'm not throwin away my shot while I can get it done.

I used to think "halve" was an actual word tbh.

Sounds fun, I'll add my like to the pile to get you some more attention. Your pacing could use some work but I don't usually mind that. The concept is good and the setup for his intelligence works well. I do dislike the 'liar reveal' storyline, but if you want to go that way I hope you do it well or quickly.

Halve is an actual word. A synonym of 'half'. It's why you say "Halved" in stead of "Halfed"

Ha! Clever. Well I hope to see more chapters of this quality from you. Sadly I don't know enough of the lyrics to make a witty pun so I bid you adieu

Oh, well I just found out my 6th grade English teacher lied to me.

I mean, if you were using it in the sense of "Why did it halve to happen", then it's wrong. But it does mean something

I don't know if you know this but 000 is the actual number for the emergency services over here in Australia

I've had my share of typos or just being lazy when it comes to the various there/their

Humans aren't horrible creatures. Creatures in human form are horrible.

I get a lucifer vibe from this.

Why is a princess a common police officer? If anything I expected her to be chief of police.

Heh... He he... hrm.. That's debatable.

She has been an officer since before her ascendency, and I imagine she would rather work for the position despite her royal title.

I'm not doing the reveal storyline yet.

"How would you like a job."

Does he really have the need to set up this kind of mood just to ask him to join? And i'm pretty sure you have to go throught intensive training before trying to.

I just wanted to point this out, nothing big, jus' want to help this become an even better story

Well, it is Equestria, most interpretations (including this one to an extent) are pretty naïve and easily trusting.

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