• Member Since 8th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Sand Storm


I am a big Spike fan, so most of my fanfics will have Spike and/or CMC as the main hero's. If you have come here for some logic than this is the wrong place...maybe

Comments ( 168 )

Twi is an overbearing control freak

You need to work on your grammar and maybe not end with the magic book cliche. Also maybe add to why her magic went insane. As far as the rest goes I like this story and will continue to read it. :twilightsmile:

I'm interested in seeing where this goes... and seriously, Twi; He's 17.

This is an interesting concept, I could see a number of cool ways this could go, especially if that foreshadowing in the description is going where I think it is.

But dude, you need to work on your editing. Spelling mistakes don't usually bother me, unless they're so frequent that it distracts from the story, and this is definitely the case here. What's really disappointing is that I think most of these mistakes could be fixed if you simply double checked your work a little.

Also, learn the golden rule of formatting; new paragraph, every time a character starts a new dialogue statement.

For example.

Spike smiles back at her. "I'm just looking for the new comic book called 'The Darkness' I've heard it's a good horror comic."

Flare stared a Spike with a look of concern. "Are you sure? Does Twilight know about this? I don't want her to come hear with a "Why did you let him buy this?' speech... Sometimes I think she's alittle crazy when it come to this things." She says remembering the times when Spike buys a comic and Twi doesn't approves of it.

"Don't worry Dash, Pinkie, and Applejack will hold on to the book when they're around." He said.

Flare stared at him with a confused look. "So they on our side that you're old enough for this books? Because you're like 17 now, right?" She asked him. Spike nodded.

"Yup, I'm 17 and ready for anything!" He yelled to the heavens.

Flare giggled at his stated meant. "So you're ready to date anypony?" She said to him which made him blush.

This is the standard way of doing it, and you'll see a lot of the big authors on FIM using it.


Again, I really love the idea of this story. You've got me coming back just for the idea alone. Keep writing man. :pinkiehappy:

You sir have done something I can only dream about. This is going to be good.:pinkiecrazy::pinkiehappy:

I demand more. More darkness more awesomeness more every thing. Oh I can't wait till Spike tares and destroys the city with the darkness.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:


Rate :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache: out of 5

Twilight, no matter how much you argue with him, bottom line is that he's 17, an age where it is acceptable to read those things. Don't be :twilightangry2:, be :twilightsmile:.

Now that he has read The Darkness! Allow me to reveal another adult comic he can read! -takes out a comic with a cartoonish smiling face that has blood on it-...The Watchmen! :pinkiehappy:

A very nice Chapter, I don't see anything wrong with it.

3967089 I saw quite a few grammar and spelling errors, actually... like

It's was dark than the rest of Canterlot because some of street light were shut off for unknown reason.

but that being said, This story has a lot of potential and I'd like to see where it goes

Welp,Six fully sentient serpents sprouting from Spike's back.....Not even aiming for alliteration here,But still,Seven people in the one body makes for one hella dangerous team,I mean,One of the biggest reasons is the fact that pinkie and i think it was dash just showed the best combo possible,Instakill one mook,Grab his gun and then start going to town,Its the only way you can be a gun toting badass,And not need a concealed carry license

Please make more I really enjoy this. If I could give more thumbs up I would.:twilightsmile:

This is turning out to be a good story so far keep up the good work.

This is pretty cool. I can tell already that I will thoroughly enjoy this story. All, or at least most, of the girls seem to be very affectionate towards Spike. Is this notice towards a relationship, even if only in their minds, with all of the girls or just some? And what is the possibility of the Princesses and Shining Armor becoming Darklings? The Darklings are more of indirect help instead of the Dark Serpents, much like the Princesses and Shining. I really think that this project has potential and I would love to see the end of the story.

have u read the comic The darkness if so pleas tell me you will use some of the material in it. :moustache::moustache::eeyup:

Looks good but I can see quite a few grammer errors, you might need an editor. Either then that, keep going.

Some how before we get to the end I can tell the Darkness is lieing to him.

Next chapter please I love this story please continue.:pinkiehappy:

4468529 Well sorry, I can't really tell if I made a grammar error or a few spelling, Some reason I write what my mind says but my hands write down something else. But I'll try to do better next and find a good poofreader.

4468722 a good tip i learned in school is to read what you write out loud, because in your head mistakes have to be pointed out specifically, and reading out loud brings attention to your mistakes when it doesn't sound like the mistake makes sense

I find it interesting that Spike and the Six aren't more freaked out about having committed grusome bloody murder.

As stated by others, like the idea, but you need to keep your grammar and spelling in check.

4510773 When think about it they have in a way kill a few creatures and maybe a race. When you watch season one to four you will see that the kill creatures that don't bleed so for kids seeing blood in a show when the hero beats an enemy they'll bleed showing death but MLP don't show blood show it looks like they just knock out.

Decided to re-read this story since it's been awhile. Great story so far. Can't wait for more :moustache::moustache::moustache:

Dude can you Please, continue this? It is one of the only, and better, Darkness fics I have seen on this website.

4966419
well I'm hoping on finishing a chapter sometime today. Sorry for the long wait, had some family issues and stuff.

4967252 No worries, I know how that can be.

The love scene through off, but as long as you keep the classical Darkness ripping, tearing, and out right destroying, I'm good.

another question I have: how big are Spike and Rainbow in the dream? Is she now 4x his size or something? or the classic "f*** logic" of dreams and have him able to control everything, including how big he is

So that just happen...well then looking foreword to the murder and if you coninue Spike and Vinyal as a ship I would be ok with it.

While I do like the concept of the story...It reads as if it went through about fifty trips through google translate...

needs some touch up but it's coming along

hmm you sir are in need of editting help.
i VERY RARELY fell I know more about writing than others but looking at this it just all seems to rushed and not very through give more details, flesh it out, and CHECK THY GRAMMAR!:flutterrage: If you want I am willing to pre-read future chapters if you want but I will fave this because I wish to see how the future chapters will turn out..

Mr. Zelda C. Brony, AWAY!!

:moustache:

im hopping they will give him a thumbs for actually taking a bite out of crime but i can't help but doubt it:derpytongue2:

well if it aint obvious he s planning a get together with the element of kindness i mean they are friends

this is clearly based off of that game one The Darkness just make sure you don't forget to write all the dumbass's dying in incrisingly more violent ways other than that like dont forget what your tentacles did when you had to equiped yyou could force one up the bad guys ass where hes pulled inside out not sure how youd write that though

Blueblood however im gussing is still his usual ungodly self probaB;y the leader of those thugs who tried to knock off spike if they had succeeded then they would go for the mane 6 why because he could just fiegn ingorence and say what really i am not worried at all i mean really why does every dark story write that blueblood has to die in a horrible way imean really goodgod i know he was a dick in that one episode of the show buut comeon attempt to at least have him die in an orginal way

5284397 I agree with you on 'why everyone writes a dark story with a creepy death on blueblood.' But there are some who see a reason why he act the way he is. The many but the best know is that his real parents died somehow and Celestia took him in. It is also said the he hates being treated as a royal with he doesn't have wings like his sister Cadance, so trying to be an ass hoping to be kicked out would give him freedom but it hasn't worked well. So what I thought of doing is making Blueblood a good guy in this with a sad backstory and a shocking event that well blow all the readers' mind.

This feels like I'm watching a poorly done fan-dub of a Japanese Anime, or listening to a poorly translated fan dub of a really beast Japanese Metal Song.
To wrap that up: You need an editor twice as bad as America needs to get rid of their debt!

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