Sounds fun, I'll add my like to the pile to get you some more attention. Your pacing could use some work but I don't usually mind that. The concept is good and the setup for his intelligence works well. I do dislike the 'liar reveal' storyline, but if you want to go that way I hope you do it well or quickly.
9619635 Ha! Clever. Well I hope to see more chapters of this quality from you. Sadly I don't know enough of the lyrics to make a witty pun so I bid you adieu
Does he really have the need to set up this kind of mood just to ask him to join? And i'm pretty sure you have to go throught intensive training before trying to.
I just wanted to point this out, nothing big, jus' want to help this become an even better story
Now I'm sure that the author is perfectly aware that rape is an incredibly sensitive topic, it's one of those terrible experiences that are high up there in the proverbial totem pole after all which then puts this chapter into question since, for all intents and purposes, the rape scene in this chapter is basically used as a convenient excuse to crudely hammer in the fact that the protagonist is a good guy.
Now hear me out, I'm not denying that rape can be used as a medium to drive in the fact that the world an author establishes is not for the faint of heart, but what some don't realize is that the reason why those stories aren't hammered to oblivion is because they show respect to it, the tension, the dread and the psychological and mental effects accompanied by it are exposed to the readers in a slow but deliberate way so as to gently coax them into realizing just how bad it gets for the victims of such traumatic events.
Here, however, it's accompanied by the cliché bad guys trope where they corner a damsel in distress but at the very last moment, a heroic goody-two-shoes comes in and saves her. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if said rape scene wasn't cheapened by the fact that it was quickly side-lined after an exposition on the events leading up to the MC and twilight meeting which then quickly leads to the MC getting a job without completely addressing the rapee's mental state other than "she's afraid, move on."
Now first, I thought maybe the next chapter will address this issue but as quickly as that hope came, it went right out the window when I found that it was just a chapter that in it's most basic template was just about showing how badass the MC was.
I'm sure I'll get some flak for this and possibly a double-digit dislike but there is a reason why rape is scantly used in fiction and that's because it's immensely difficult to write a compelling scene which can successfully coax the reader into feeling sympathy to what are basically just imaginary figures made form by text without coming off as a cheap effort to create narrative tension, those that did accomplish this feat realize this and have taken the necessary steps to ensure that it is not something to be taken lightly of and that when they are writing such moments, they aren't just doing it single-mindedly, they do it with caution that it deserves.
To end this criticism if mine, if you want to add suspense to your story, think twice before choosing rape as an option. If you really want to use it, then at the very least give us a compelling reason as to why other than to elevate the MC into an easy good guy status.
9843703 I completely understand your stance on the subject, and as well as your reasoning for your criticism, and the criticism itself. As I look back on my choices on this story, I feel like I made a poor choice in this aspect in the story, and I feel like I could have used a different and more reasonable thing to move the plot forward. I could have simply made it something like a mugging, or a drug deal to hammer the idea, but those would probably be just as bad, or even worse now that I think about it. Drug addiction is a really serious problem that would also hammer the point of this world, but since I seem to never be able to go into enough detail or explanation in my stories, it would likely end up having the same problems.
My point is, I understand, and you're right.
Edit: also, if someone reads this comment before the original comment, give him a like for bringing up a very large flaw in the story, and addressing it.
My my. Another chapter so soon? You spoil me. It's a good chapter too.
9619609
I live to surprise. I also got tons of motivation from watching Hamilton, so I'm not throwin away my shot while I can get it done.
Sounds fun, I'll add my like to the pile to get you some more attention. Your pacing could use some work but I don't usually mind that. The concept is good and the setup for his intelligence works well. I do dislike the 'liar reveal' storyline, but if you want to go that way I hope you do it well or quickly.
9619637
Halve is an actual word. A synonym of 'half'. It's why you say "Halved" in stead of "Halfed"
9619635
Ha! Clever. Well I hope to see more chapters of this quality from you. Sadly I don't know enough of the lyrics to make a witty pun so I bid you adieu
9619642
Oh, well I just found out my 6th grade English teacher lied to me.
Feed me
9619645
I mean, if you were using it in the sense of "Why did it halve to happen", then it's wrong. But it does mean something
I don't know if you know this but 000 is the actual number for the emergency services over here in Australia
9619619
I've had my share of typos or just being lazy when it comes to the various there/their
I get a lucifer vibe from this.
Why is a princess a common police officer? If anything I expected her to be chief of police.
9620452
Heh... He he... hrm.. That's debatable.
9620299
neat.
9620480
She has been an officer since before her ascendency, and I imagine she would rather work for the position despite her royal title.
9619672
maybe.
9619638
I'm not doing the reveal storyline yet.
Does he really have the need to set up this kind of mood just to ask him to join? And i'm pretty sure you have to go throught intensive training before trying to.
I just wanted to point this out, nothing big, jus' want to help this become an even better story
9622520
Well, it is Equestria, most interpretations (including this one to an extent) are pretty naïve and easily trusting.
9622882
Hmm
Fair enough i guess😞
Do more please man
This story intrigues me, continue
Lul.
Now I'm sure that the author is perfectly aware that rape is an incredibly sensitive topic, it's one of those terrible experiences that are high up there in the proverbial totem pole after all which then puts this chapter into question since, for all intents and purposes, the rape scene in this chapter is basically used as a convenient excuse to crudely hammer in the fact that the protagonist is a good guy.
Now hear me out, I'm not denying that rape can be used as a medium to drive in the fact that the world an author establishes is not for the faint of heart, but what some don't realize is that the reason why those stories aren't hammered to oblivion is because they show respect to it, the tension, the dread and the psychological and mental effects accompanied by it are exposed to the readers in a slow but deliberate way so as to gently coax them into realizing just how bad it gets for the victims of such traumatic events.
Here, however, it's accompanied by the cliché bad guys trope where they corner a damsel in distress but at the very last moment, a heroic goody-two-shoes comes in and saves her. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if said rape scene wasn't cheapened by the fact that it was quickly side-lined after an exposition on the events leading up to the MC and twilight meeting which then quickly leads to the MC getting a job without completely addressing the rapee's mental state other than "she's afraid, move on."
Now first, I thought maybe the next chapter will address this issue but as quickly as that hope came, it went right out the window when I found that it was just a chapter that in it's most basic template was just about showing how badass the MC was.
I'm sure I'll get some flak for this and possibly a double-digit dislike but there is a reason why rape is scantly used in fiction and that's because it's immensely difficult to write a compelling scene which can successfully coax the reader into feeling sympathy to what are basically just imaginary figures made form by text without coming off as a cheap effort to create narrative tension, those that did accomplish this feat realize this and have taken the necessary steps to ensure that it is not something to be taken lightly of and that when they are writing such moments, they aren't just doing it single-mindedly, they do it with caution that it deserves.
To end this criticism if mine, if you want to add suspense to your story, think twice before choosing rape as an option. If you really want to use it, then at the very least give us a compelling reason as to why other than to elevate the MC into an easy good guy status.
9843703
I completely understand your stance on the subject, and as well as your reasoning for your criticism, and the criticism itself. As I look back on my choices on this story, I feel like I made a poor choice in this aspect in the story, and I feel like I could have used a different and more reasonable thing to move the plot forward. I could have simply made it something like a mugging, or a drug deal to hammer the idea, but those would probably be just as bad, or even worse now that I think about it. Drug addiction is a really serious problem that would also hammer the point of this world, but since I seem to never be able to go into enough detail or explanation in my stories, it would likely end up having the same problems.
My point is, I understand, and you're right.
Edit: also, if someone reads this comment before the original comment, give him a like for bringing up a very large flaw in the story, and addressing it.
Wut indeed.
Such an idyllic society where citizenship can be had with a form and half an hour's worth of time...
9845210
what do you expect, is a kids show.
That was kewl...I wasn't expecting that ending to this chapter
Yet in hindsight I probably should have
the hoof... wait a minute!
THE HAND!
MOTHER LUVIN DC DAGNABIT
On the second chapter I thought to my self 'what if he was a cop?' Now it's happening!
10178334
OI JOSUKE! I USED ZA HANDO TO ERASE MY FINGERS, SO NOW I CAN NO LONGER HOLD ANYTHING! IT IS EXTREMELY PAINFUL JOSUKE, PLEASE HELP ME!
Wait...NANI? Twilight is a cop and a Princess?! Talk about a career...
First of I just can't believe this is Ponyville
Secondly, I had the exact same reaction about the job thing at the end of the story, even though it is logical.