Enternal
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A great introduction to your story Enternal, but allow me to point out a few things that made this first chapter a bit rocky:
1) There were occasional punctuation errors such as missed periods, capitalization errors, and a lack of commas to conclude a person's dialogue. Here are two examples of such mistakes:
There needs to be a comma after "perfect".
Shining is a name, and therefore a proper noun. Proper nouns are capitalized.
2) My immersion was broken by the displays of telling and not showing.
This right here was the biggest culprit of telling vs. showing. You could have easily put this into the text without straight up telling the reader who was speaking or thinking. You could have described Cadence in appearance and thoughts, along with telling of her recent memories and her surroundings to give the reader enough information to realize who the character was.
I'm fairly certain a number of readers would have understood if you had described a pink alicorn who was sent to the Chrystal Caverns after recently having her wedding in Canterlot crashed by an army of insects.
This is another example of telling instead of showing. This could have easily been incorporated into the sentence itself as the transition as opposed to being directly pointed out on its own, in my opinion.
3) Last, but certainly not least, was the last paragraph. I had to literally force myself to read through the wall of text despite its word count being relatively small. Walls of text are intimidating to behold and can cause readers to lose interest, as I almost did, as they come across as amateurish and grating to the mind; especially in the first chapter. A simple remedy for this error would be to go back through and divide the big block of text into separate, smaller paragraphs.
This is all I had to say that was particularly negative about the story, though. Even though it seems to be cut of the same cloth as Machinations in the Dark thus far, the background is rather interesting and I cannot wait to see how you expand upon it. You have gotten a like for this fact alone, so do not make me regret it.
I find myself anticipating with great enthusiasm how the characters will interact with one another, but I still think that you should have given them each their own respective chapters to develop their individual personalities and thoughts a little more before diving into the plot.
The world you have created has a lot of potential, and I expect you to use that to your advantage. This is quite a great story, though, for someone who's never written before, so do not feel discouraged at my criticism, for it is meant to help you rectify your mistakes and make you a better writer in the long run so that you may tell the greatest story you can. This is more quality than I've seen in quite a few of the more "popular" stories in this site so far, to be truthful. So it is with these parting words that I must bid you adieu, Enternal. See you in the next installment!
6121725 Thank you so much! I will edit the first chapter as per your suggestion, mostly. And I can see the similarities between this and machinations in the dark, they will not last I assure you.
6123676 Glad I could help, bro. Good luck with the rest of this story!
6124194 The first chapter has been updated, and I think it is much better than the original.
If you get the time please give it a read.
6124324 This is a noticeable improvement. I love how you fleshed out Cadence's anger (she's quite the potty-mouthed princess, ain't she?) and allowed that to factor into her finding the chambers. Great job, bro!
Man, liking this story so far. It's also been awhile since I've read story that follows the series. Can't wait to see more.
You want my honest opinion? Very well, these chapters are too damn short! *insert appropriate GIF here*.
Nice story pacing and I can't wait for the next one
.
...
...so where is the next chapter?
6126017 I am a thousand words deep in it right now, I will work on it more when I get off work tonight. I should release a longer chapter late tonight or tomorrow. Cheers and thanks for reading!
6126021 don't worry about it, take as long as you need. I prefer quality over quantity anyway. Most importantly I hope you have fun writing.
this story makes me poop happy. good job.
You're on your way, Enternal. Not sure why you never wrote before this, cuz it's obvious that you've got talent along with an interesting story to tell. Keep it trilla, bro!
6127945 Thank you!
Interesting, is the Wrath based on the characters from Darksiders the Video game series? Just curious.
6128210 not at all, or at least, not intentionally. I have never played them.
I like it. I'll admit, the use of alternating font sizes and bold threw me off a bit, as that is not somethin i see often but it's nothin I can't get used to. You're doin a good job mate! Keep it up!
6123676 There is a lack of a period after the last sentence.
6128259
I Recommend the first one, and the second one...well, check out playthroughs, the actual game difficulty can be grating at times. Still fun for me though, and i like the story quite a bit. Anyway, looking forward to more, and best of luck to ya!
That last line makes it seem like she's happy that Wrath appeared, as in 'his appearance made today a little bit better'.
I'm glad to know he has some restraint, it one thing to obliterate the enemy, but to harm an innocent is unforgivable. Judging by wraths reactions o seeing the ponies outside the hole, alicorns were far more abundant during the time of the king and queen, what could have caused such a decline I wonder? There's much potential to build on. Have fun writing.
No. Can't do it.
You need to switch the formatting. Bold screams at the reader. It's best used for unique, singular emphasis or for extreme shouting (think Luna's Royal Canterlot whatsit). Italics are better suited for thoughts. Thoughts aren't heard by those around the thinker - they are private, quiet things. Italics separate while at the same time lending thoughts an ephemeral feel that suits them. The thoughts-in-bold thing is not only throwing me off due to it not being standard, it's also making me feel as though you are unduly shouting at me. Please stop shouting at me.
Aside from that ... I'm a bit concerned for the main character's characterization. Several thousand years of solitary and he never once questioned his methods or had a flashback but a few seconds topside and now he's realizing he might have anger management issues? Must be one huge, self righteous idiot. Also, ponies have spears but don't use them for their intended purpose? Seems a bit odd to have weaponry and such but no intent to cause harm, even in a protective manner.
It's just not something I would enjoy, to be honest, so I'm leaving no thumbs - but please keep in mind the formatting advice I left above. And thank heavens it's not yet another Displaced story.
But I can't back down now.
6130092 I see your point and I have been considering switching the format. As for the main character, his background will explain his actions a bit, I would give you a more apt reason but I don't want to spoil the plot just yet.
The ponies portrayed had yet to actually be moved to attack, and when they were getting close to being forced to use them, a much larger threat appeared, and all of a sudden Wrath did not seem like what made the threat against canterlot, so they directed their attention elsewhere. Namely the sky, which was falling down.
Thank you for the comment.
6130794 Thank you, it should be fixed.
I am intrigued. Tracked.
Tracked. Demand moar.
Good Read so far, I wish the chapters were a little longer but the whole "Human was locked up and has escaped" premise always intrigued me. Tracking for more updates.
The fight with Chrysalus was great. It was also slightly funny to see her get into a mental rant on how adorable Shy is.
Thank you!
stream1.gifsoup.com/view/327502/finish-her-o.gif
Ooo its gettin good now.
Too drunk to give a good comment, but drunken me really enjoyed this.
EDIT: Fixed a drunken typo. Copious amounts of alcohol are no excuse for blatant illiteracy.
Good story. Liked and tracked. Waiting for more.
P.S. Looks like you are close to 100 likes.
The edge is strong with this one.
So the changelings were being controlled? And the changelings present were not even a fraction of the entirety? This is either really good, or really bad.
6151296 Sober me really liked this too. ;)
Sorry, but I would have preferred if Cadance had just be turned vampire-pony and had been the main character, finding Twilight, getting both of them out of the cave, ...
This story captured my attention, and I ellected to read it. However, I feel like this chapter could use some work... it feels cluttered to me, and there are some missing commas and full stops. But other then that, this looks like an interesting story.
Good job.
A+ for effort.
The font sizing and bold being used for thinking, is throwing me off a tad.
But this is looking good so far.
heheh eue
Nice job.
I have to agree with Minalkra down below, he makes some valid points.
But, I am going to stick with this until the fourth chapter, and see what happens then.
Nice job.
Welp... I'm afraid that this is the end for me.
Good story so far, but I'm going to stop reading here.
You did a good job, only a few types and whatnot, but you did a good job nonetheless.
Keep it up, and farewell.
6152490 wut
Needs less capital letters.
6154275 How do you mean?
6154264
I was just expressing my opinion.
6155032 Nah i get it, the thought just never occurred to me
6154626 I found the story and read through it in about 20 min. I noticed a lot of different font sizes and lots of caps lock. Kinda distracting. Thoughts would better be displayed subdued or italicized than in bold, and caps just makes it harder to read without cringing, I like the story though. It isn't a bad premise, if a bit tired. It just needs some polishing.
6155672 I have gotten a lot of negative feedback over my style of formatting. I originally did it with a purpose in mind but...
If so many people are turned off enough by that alone then perhaps it is best if I change it.
6156091 It's your story man, format it how you want. I was just offering my feedback from a readers standpoint. It isn't bad enough to keep me from reading, I just thought I'd mention it.
6156091 I like the bold format on the thoughts.
6162425 That is very nice to hear.
