Ironwolves21
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The Crusaders had not abandoned their comrade, but that was mute. But the point was moot. Not mute.
The ghoul was lifted off the ground; the flesh on Jacks impromptu weapon was sloped off from the force. Sloughed, not sloped.
Still, not a bad start. I'd add more detail to the settings and get an editor to give it a bit of a fluff 'n buff, but overall not bad.
Couple of things.
First off, why squirrels? There is practically no meat on them and they are a bastard and a half to catch. Just curiosity there.
Without any ceremony or pomp, he lined it up with his pock-marked elbow and depressed the plunger. You just killed your OC. Unless there is a cath already placed you don't inject direct. Morphine doses are usually small so a small syringe is all that is needed. Pop it into the meat of the leg/upper arm/butt and call it good.
the gelding Huge nope there. Gelding/castrating males ruins them for pretty much any hard labor, let alone breeding stock. Hair loss, muscle loss, joint pain, memory loss, etc, etc, etc. Loss of testosterone production in males also can severely shorten lifespan and cause a ton of potentially deadly side effects.
The reason cattle are castrated is so they are docile and they get fat. Also, they don't remove the scrotum. Quick slit in the back, pull the testicles out, and sever the vas defrens. All it is. Bigger the cut, higher chances of infection/gangrene/sepsis.
DON'T PUT HUGE IMAGES IN DESCRIPTION!
Crop smaller or remove. It is really annoying.
Edit: Thanks.
Yeah, anything larger than, say, 200x200px is going to be too big to put in your description. It makes the story take up way too much space when viewed in a list. You can put it back when once you crop it down to a smaller size.
5024958 First off, thanks for pointing these things out, I really do appreciate the feedback.
Gelding: I have very little real world experience with this sort of thing, so I went with what we had been shown in the original YHaY. It seems to be a fairly common practice there to do it like (Or close-ish) to what was described. I figured they used some kind of magic to keep the human from dying. The life span wouldn't matter either way of course, due to the much shorter life span of the Equestrian human.
Love it. Best Contract ever. Run like hell.
True.
Do a barrel roll! And roll out!
Damn it I hate cliffhangers.
treasure.diylol.com/uploads/post/image/213123/resized_professor-oak-meme-generator-are-you-a-boy-or-a-girl-490ede.jpg
Bla bla bla.
That was a good chapter. Not many errors, but I did notice a few areas where the words could've been better used. Overall, nice, interesting backstory a bit in the end, and an interesting way of showing Flitter about Earth through his eyes, or helmet parsey. The ending was enjoyable, got a good smile from me, and that is good enough for me, as that was a needed mood booster.
...So he lost a round of Space Counter Strike?
5075722 If you ever run across any errors, I'd be grateful to know where they are! Besides that, I'm very happy that you enjoyed the chapter. I'm hoping to keep at it.
5075779 All will be revealed in time
Blood and tear?
This chapter was pretty cool.
The story is improving
The character of Flitter is getting more interesting and her interaction with jack is becoming mmm... Heart-warming?
i have not spot any great mistake, but i wanted to comment that you use to start more the sentences in the same way: jack this.... Jack that .... Jack there.... Same with flitter. I dont know if this is acceptable in English, but in spanish is ... recomended to do not do it. I hope it helps you
5079869 I've actually been having difficulties with that, I wouldn't mind any pointers on how to avoid it.
5080296 extend your vocabulary: use a synonym finder or thesaurus (ha that thibk that twilight mentioned once xD)
Longer sentences: use ellipses more often. Not sure if it s valid in english
Practice with other sentence structures: subject+verb+complement is too basic, there are more options
Read/use other as example: the rare times I write, I have find myself stuck in similar situations so I get a similar text made by an author, who I consider a good writter, and look for examples.
.... That is all that comes to my mind at 6am after awake xD
5081082 I'll give that a shot for my next chapter, wish me luck.
5081665 good luck, commander o7
That girl has no idea what she's getting into...
Can't wait to see what happens next.
How exciting! Can't wait for more!
Why is this not getting more love?this is a fantastic piece so far, and I love the characters. Please sir, may we have some more?
All of my yes
This... seems interesting. But the constant, unnecessary swearing/profanity is a bit of a turnoff. Not saying that you can't cuss or anything, but most of the swears in here seem randomly thrown in and have no context. Makes the story and Jack seem juvenile(not in a good way) and annoying, like they can't express the details of the situation without resorting to crude language. Not trying to put you down or anything. Just giving my opinion.
5331405 Jack is a profound believer that every word in a sentence can be replaced by 'Fuck' and still work.
Hmmm... Feels kinda forced at some points, but overall it's a good fic.
Uh oh (GULP)
I don't mean to alarm you, but I think bitch may have autism.
Been putting this story off on my reading list, but I finally got to it. Im loving every fucking moment of this
Well, fuck.
Amazing story/10
I want more ;_;
I'm sick of this fic not getting the love it deserves. Time to pester my watchers with it!
Jack...you have a strong mental will, right?
Please tell me you do...
Somewhere in there the italics got screwed up and the whole story after '-jack-[i/]' is in complete italics. It's a tad annoying too look at, and more so too read.
5505507 Thanks for the heads up, it's fixed now.
While I like what you have, I do have one complaint. Throughout your chapters so far I have noticed one recurring issue when switching between characters. Without any sort of indicators to show that you have swapped to a different point of view, it can leave the reader confused. I for one had to go back and reread a sentence on occasion to understand that I wasn't looking through the eyes of the same person from the previous paragraph. A simple way to fix that would be to break up those sections with a few dashes in between. It just lets the reader know that there has been a change and with that they will generally figure out what has happened from there.
Beyond that I don't see many spelling errors that really stand out, so just keep doing what you're doing on that front. Look forward to reading more of what you have written.
5515121 I started doing that in my later chapters, but I can easily go back and edit the older ones. Thanks for the heads up!
Hey good to see you back. I have not notice the lack of editor :)
Good to see some culture shock there with his rough housing and her panic over it. Its a sad thing but her just staying around like a beattendog makes for an interesting character trait to his PTSD, I hope they notice and try to help each other for their broken parts.
What is this garbage you speak of?
C'mon.
Wow, my mood is just change to became joy.
Nice to see another chapter. Keep up the good work kind sir.
5595515
Just make sure to take deep breathes between paragraphs buddy!
Double of.
>Flitter still ruts her "coldfriend" after he cheated on her
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?!
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