• Member Since 4th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 2nd, 2019

Alternivity


Comments ( 114 )

ah, a necron fic...
may your arrows be swift and true, honored one

Warning: TECH HERESY DETECTED TECH HERESY DETECTED TECH HERESY DETECTED!

You may want to include a status message about if or if not you'll be meeting other Displaced. That way people won't ask you about it if you're readdy or if you're planning to keep your story pure of cross-overs.

Dat dere iz sum good riten ya got dere tin'ead. Keep up da good WAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHK.

Frum
ChRIsKruk

AhhhahahaHHH I finally found a story with the silent king in it hahahahahahahaha

This is getting me harder then terminator armor

9495477
(Maybe, if you were referring to this story being another of the countless blatant, one-dimensional self-inserts. If not, ignore me haha)

Hmmm... you’ve got my interest. I’ll admit that I’m not too familiar with wh40k, so some of the down side is I have to imagine your character based on limited knowledge. Aside from that, I hope to see more of this as it has a feeling of potential. :)

I demand more! The fanbase demands more!

9516107
Agreed let there be more

I love how this dude is so calm and collected

right, just something i'd like to say.

i'd like to start out with that this story started alright, no over exaggerated explanation on how detailed the costume was or how grand and epic it all is, and no large pile of items the reader could care less about. so good start.

the awakening was also handled fine, the shot of fear smacked down by the whole machine part was a neat way to get a move on.

the only real gripe i have with this is with the kid, while i don't have a problem with guardianship's in these kinds of stories the fact that it is so rushed just makes it seem like a lazy story plot.
i would personally recommend drawing it out with some lesser plot elements with added bonding paragraphs before going there.

otherwise this story's decent, good job.

Every sentient being demand more!

9516241
Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you're liking it so far. I have an idea for Harvest and Szarekh's bond I want to try, if it works, yay! :yay:
Elsewise I rewrite those bits.

I'm not altogether certain how a traumatized child would act in this scenario, but I've seen cases where they almost instantly bond to their saviors, and that's the situation I want to roll with.

I'm still working out the finer points of Szarekh's personality, so bear with me, and feel free to point out any mistakes or issues you find.

Thanks again,
Alt.

9516241
To be fair, we ARE talking about a child, who had a traumatic experience, then was rescued by someone who promised to help them... Between shock and the joy of being rescued, and also from being a magical pony foal, it is entirely possible that said child latched onto their rescuer this quickly.

After all, in reality, such things can happen almost, if not as, fast with children immediately trusting people who rescue them from similar fates...even if most of those are police officers and are told to trust said officers by parents and people in authority(teachers and such)

Edit: Also remember this is still the SAME DAY, that their parent's died...yeah, maybe it's a bit fast, but since the attack, all Harvest had was our Protagonist saying he'd take care of them, and made a promise about it... And to many children, a promise is unbreakable if said by an adult.

me when i see a new update for this story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-istquWjZ8M

I looked around, everything seemed normal until I saw a giant purple, gold, and gray shape right next to me, where the warmth was. I looked closer and the shape turned out to be mister Szarekh

From what dynasty is he from anyway? I don't know single one with that color palette.

not bad...not bad at all.

looking forward for more! :pinkiesmile:

9521654

Szarekh is the Silent King, the ruler of all Necron.

Seeing as there are no really useful descriptions of him, I used a bit of creative license with the standard colors of the triarch preatorians as they are said to represent Szarekh directly within whichever dynasty they are present.

Purple and gold are also traditionally used to denote royalty in Egyptian culture, which the Necron take reference from.

If you find any good detailed information of Szarekh's appearance please, please, please! Send me a link to it! It would be super helpful!

9518034
That's a really cool picture, even has the Sanguinus death mask. If I recall though Szarekh's mask had a small smile marking him as a keen negotiator.

Even so very cool, love the 80's style. Did you make it? Or can I have a link to the artist?

9522190
and i will provide, this is straight from the book "the word of the silent king"

He was taller than the rest, yet not as tall as I had imagined he might be. His mechanical body was a work of unspeakable xenos artifice, more finely wrought than any I had ever seen upon the field of battle. Where they might be skeletal, he was lithe. Where they were animated with grim, unyielding purpose, his every movement possessed an undeniable vitality. His form spoke of musculature and clean-limbed strength, perhaps touched by the divine, and his finery was simple and yet impossibly elegant.

His face, though

Brothers, I can scarcely put into words what I felt in that moment. What all three of us must have felt. It was not reverence or awe, I can tell you that much.

It was closer to hatred.

Framed by a cowl of shimmering light and the traceries of his intricate collar, Szarekh – heralded as the last and greatest of the Silent Kings, and undisputed overlord of the necron race – wore a golden mask fashioned into the likeness of our Lord Sanguinius.

A rank blasphemy, indeed. The Chapter Master’s grip tightened around the golden helm in his hands, and he quaked with a barely suppressed fury. This time I saw Captain Tycho’s fist clenching, although he too managed to restrain himself. We had to see how this would play out before doing anything premature.

Dante looked from his own mask – the Death Mask of Sanguinius, holiest relic of the Chapter – to the benign, alien representation of the primarch worn by the Silent King. The similarities were astonishing, brothers. Though elongated and curiously more androgynous, the features were mournful and angelic in the way that every Blood Angel knew and recognised even from the first day of their Adeptus Astartes induction. The proud and noble brow. The suggestion of tumbling hair swept back from the face. Even the stylised halo crowned Szarekh just as it did the commander.

I'm a bit confused; in what ways did the displacement transform him? His description of his history imply that he gained not only the body, but also (at the very least) a part of the mind and experiences of Szarekh, something atypical of displaced stories. Did his transformation affect him this deeply? If so, then I think I might be even more interested in this story than I have been. If not, then I wonder why he said what he did to RD. Was it purely to intimidate her? Whatever the case, cool story, I look forward to more.

9522311

I read through 'Word of the Silent King' a few times, but aside from that section there's no other depiction of Szarekh. And even the excerpt you posted says nothing about his coloration or more than a set of differences from more common Necron and that he wore a Deathmask of Sanguinus, but apart from that he's not really described.

Thanks for trying though, I really appreciate you wanting to help me improve this story.

9522928

All I can say is spoilers!.

A very... typical beginning, but still.
Some of the best fics have the same sort of beginnings.

Eh, not bad.
I'll track this for now, as there is an annoying lack of Warhammer fics, from there, it just depends on the next couple chapters.

Hmm, intriguing. Best of the vein, colleague. Do keep up the intriguing work.

Hmmm. Interesting topic for a displaced story.

Unlike the blocky skeletal forms of traditional Necron units the Silent King was described as being almost organic in appearance, though I kept a few things from overlords, and from scraps and hints in the lore, plus a few long forum discussions, I elected to use a nearly gray faded purple heavily accented with dull gold as the color pallet.

A bit too big of a run-on sentence. Try shortening it. As for the rest of the chapter, it's good, just needs a bit more meat and polishing. Just between you and me, though, I'd recommend staying far, far away from the usual trope of conventions. It's just far too cliche, and you're not typically likely to get any traction with the description that kind of beginning entails.

I'd recommend just making up Displacers that

A: Fit Midnight/Witching Hours rules

And B: Are unique and have a reason to displace someone away from a convention.

I myself have made Trader, the Merchant's daughter, as well as a few others. Anyways, I'll be keeping an eye on this one. Do feel free to shoot me a PM if you need any tips, by the by. I've been in the Displaced Story genre for at least 5 years, and writing in general for more than that, so if you want advice or help, don't be afraid to ask. :twilightsmile:

9495563 It's just someone trying to grow their skills. Give them some slack.

I'm enjoying the non involvement of the main six. I know that may come off a bit hard, but it is stories like this that reminds you. The world besides them exist.

9527635
Thanks for the feedback! I know that the description of Szarekh may be a little long winded but I felt it was more important to give him a fleshed out appearance, rather than letting it be a point of confusion later on.

I understand that my Displacement setup was lazy, and I'm trying to decide whether or not I should rewrite chapter 0.

Thanks again for the critique and I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

”You will release your hostage immediately. You-”

You have fucked with the Papa bear with this line.

RD will get into some serious problems when properly interagated

The story is good so far, please update soon.

“Can I have some juice instead? There's some in the fridge.”

*Daaaaawwww*

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