• Member Since 28th Jun, 2015
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Crimmar


If you find an instance of me being wrong, that's non-canon.

T

Twilight has a brand new theory. She has theorized that it is possible to create pocket dimensions and a way to enter them. Facing the ridicule of the rest of the theoretical magic community she has set forth to prove them wrong. She will construct a portal and enter it.

She does. Inside, she finds a field of empty white.

The story now has a dramatic reading by MrSnarky. Visit his channel on youtube.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 107 )

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

ookacha #2 · Aug 21st, 2016 · · 2 · Luna ·

So, it fits the tags well, but I still dont know if Luna ever actually sees the creature.

Like, did Twi thingthing out of fear? Is it other dimensional?
Also, why did Spike go first? Wouldnt the same logics apply to Luna if she were to witness the same things?

...
i am most confused.

BUT, it fits the tags well.

Also, I WAS gonna read the gdoc, but I guess now its posted I dont have to.

OH, and coz Ive never done this before, FIRST!

Eternal vigilance is the price of knowledge.

why can't I thumb this...

7499546
You probably did. If the thumb's up turns green, you successfully upvoted it. Note that if you're not the author of the work, you don't see the actual number of votes cast until the total upvotes + downvotes is at least 10.

And I upvoted it as well. This is very well-done existential horror.

wlam #6 · Aug 21st, 2016 · · 16 · Luna ·

Honestly, I don't really know about this. As in, I don't even really have anything to say about the story itself. It's really just short to do much of anything with its concept. At the same time, I think it's probably also the only thing that lets it even work at all. If the story would actually take a moment to explain some of its ideas, slow down for any time at all and give the reader the chance to take a step back and actually look at what's happening, it would probably fall apart completely over how much arbitrary contrived tragedy it's made of, by volume.

Twilight does a dumb thing, Twilight goes to a place, Twilight meets the Faceless Nameless Ageless Culturally Ambiguous Monster Plot Device - that is somehow powerful and scary enough to make someone break down an entire dimension in a futile effort to even just slow it down, but somehow can't actually leave on its own - and then everyone dies, off-screen. And that really already sums it up, the rest is just the admittedly evocative writing that its's wrapped up in. It's like, what's the word, a tech demo. It effectively shows off all the unique parts and functions of it that make it special, but at the same time, there's nothing you can actually do with it.

Also, I kind of want to kick the pretentious out of whoever it was again who had the nerve to call this an existential horror story. This has literally nothing at all whatsoever to do with existentialism.

7500757 calling it a tech demo is probably the most apt description. I wrote this mostly as a practice to see if I could, though I am not sure if I'm satisfied with the end result. Using the unknown and uncertain as a tool in horror is a good advice, but now that I posted it, and can see it with a more critical eye, I fear I have used it as a large tarp to cover all its weaknesses. It also IS too short, but as I said its an exercise. What I need to do is make a solid count of its shortcomings, and make attempt no.2 better.

VERY compelling. I finished the first chapter and thought, "This needs a sequel. I want to know what is happening."
AND THEN ... I realized that there is a second chapter.
Day. Made. Complete.

This is why you don't play with portals.

Wow. Just wow.

The tension in the first chapter was palpable as fuck. I was tense, on edge, dreading every coming line for fear that's when the monster would pounce.

But it never did.

I think the failing is using too much unknown. Without a bit more knowledge of this thing and its abilities, we can't really be afraid. Maybe if we knew HOW it killed Spike, or saw HOW Twilight died, then we would be apprehensive enough to be truly scared. The implication that it made a civilization destroy itself isn't enough. For the life of me, I have no clue why Luna trapped herself. If the thing was contained in Twilight's shield, then why couldn't she fight it there? Why did she even go into the portal?

So, in my humble and completely uninformed opinion, the first chapter was god dang beautiful, but the second chapter dropped the ball. Still, I'm not regretting having read this! :twilightsmile:

7502996 The purpose of the shield wasn't to keep the monster in. It was to keep ponies out. The implication behind the monster's actions is that it followed behind Twilight and kept hinting that it was there, throwing bigger and bigger hints all the time. First it took the apple that was supposed to be on the floor in front of the portal, then it threw down a paper, then messed with Twilight's arrangements on her desk, until finally it threw the apple down for her to see. After she realized it was there it stopped hiding its footsteps in the sound of her own but still remained behind, not touching her. It could do act at any time, it just preferred to torture its victims like this. It stayed in there with Twilight for days, just standing behind her and doing nothing to terrorize her.
As for Luna, she realized that a whole civilization could not stop it, and a powerful unicorn wasn't even able to inconvenience it enough to retaliate. She wanted that thing dead, but if she was going to fight it she would make sure that even if it won the battle it would have lost the war.

I might revisit the concept someday and see if I can fix it better and in longer form, giving more of a solid form to the threat.

Reminds me of Darkness Falls, kinda.

Hah! :ajsmug: If your intention was to make me completely terrified and afraid to turn in my seat...

You succeeded... :raritycry:

Seriously, though, this was a really tense story. I feel for poor Twilight, Spike, and Luna, though I'll take solace in the fact that Luna managed to give the metaphorical middle finger to the Unknowable by trapping it in with her.

wlam #14 · Aug 23rd, 2016 · · 4 · Luna ·

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7502996
Personally, I am reminded of the way someone once told me about the difference between "terror" and "horror" when it comes to moods in stories. Horror is when you see a character being ripped apart, blood splattering everywhere. Terror is when you hear horrible noises from outside, but when you go look, there's nothing... and then you look into the flickering light of a streetlamp and see an arm lying there.

Basically speaking, this story is all terror and no horror. One can argue about whether that's a good thing, but personally, I think any horror story needs a moment of actual horror at some point to give it a bit of emotional resolution.

7503041

I really hope you do. Like I said, I can't express how much I enjoyed the first chapter. You did a fantastic job of building tension, and until that second chapter, I was really on the edge of my seat. I just think you left a LITTLE too much unexplained. This is just me side-seat driving here, but maybe if we saw Spike's body, to see what this thing is capable of in real time, not just in reference. Or if Luna had shown a bit more emotion when Twilight did her thing right in front of her, to see how bad this had effected her in another way than just narration.

Either way, I'll be keeping an eye on you, as I think you really have a knack for horror. :ajsmug:


7505115

Yeah, Stephen King said something to the effect of, "Terror is coming home and finding every object in your house moved half an inch to the left."

wlam #16 · Aug 23rd, 2016 · · 3 · Luna ·

7505161
Not who I had in mind specifically, but yeah, the sentiment is about the same. Terror is all about powerlessness. It makes you ask "who could have done this" while horror makes you ask "what do I do about the thing that did do this?"

Xzrea #17 · Aug 23rd, 2016 · · 3 · Luna ·

Really good.
Is it in any way inspired by SCP Foundation?

Probably the first Horror story on this site that I'm going to favorite.

It was pointing behind her.

Words cannot describe the chills that went down my spine when I read that line.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

That would be a hilarious alternate ending.:rainbowlaugh:

That was...

You know, I'll just go with this. You've taken a very basic fear-fear of something behind you, stalking-and made it utterly terrifying. The first chapter especially kept me on the edge of my seat, and I found myself holding onto every line.

I don't know about others. Some are saying it's all terror but lacking in horror. All I know is that this story sent chills down my spine, and any story capable of that is worthy of my admiration.

Now, there is something very interesting I would like to see happen here, although I have the feeling the horror aspects would be mitigated in such a story. Specifically, I would like to see Discord breach the dimensional barrier of this void and pop in to say hello. The reason I don't think this would be as horror driven is that Discord, in my headcanon at least, shares more similarities with eldrich abominations and cosmic horrors than not, and if he had wanted all life in Equestria extinguished, he probably could have-it's just his sunny demeanor that's preventing this. Oh, and death is boring.

Also, I can picture him naming the creature Steve and annoying it to death. Literally.

I imagine it might go something like this.

A boom echoed throughout the void as a massive crack ripped through the skies, multicolored storms and root beer floats dripping through.

It stopped. Listened. And Smiled.

A single claw raised towards the blue one, but it stopped.

Something was wrong. It silently raised its claw again.

Something wasn't right. There was a millisecond echo to the movement.

"Okay, this reverse stalking schtick is boring me. Steve-is it alright if I call you Steve? you've murdered one of my friends and traumatized dear Fluttershy."

It whirled.

This was impossible. Nothing could hide behind it.

"So, I'm going to give you a choice now out of common courtesy because you blundered into the big leagues.. Either you kill yourself now and get it over with, or I put a metal bucket over that thing you call a head and hit it with a metal spoon until the heat death of the universe while singing It's Friday."

A screech split the void and reality was torn asunder as it attacked in all dimensions.

Silence reigned for a moment, but something horrible caught its attention.

The blue one was gone.

Impossibly, a metal bucket was shoved on its head. "Welp, you made your grave-now you get to lie in it"

"Now, let's get this party started-It's FRIDYAY!-"

(Pauses, looks at above story segment.)

Huh. I guess I felt more about this story than I thought to write that.

7506874

Pfft. Friggin' brilliant. Please write this Omake. I shall pay you in pizza, beer, and fuzzy pony snuggles.

th the f##k!! I'm going to have nightmares for weeks

7506874. agreed I've never read a mlp horror like this

7517587 It feels very weird when you suffering is a sign that I did a good job...:rainbowderp:

You know it's good horror when you get up to pee and you turn on all the lights.

God... I cry for poor sleep deprived Twilight who in her blunder opened her eyes. As a personal preference I don't read, upvote or even comment on stories where any of the mane6 die. Just honestly not my cup of tea. It always feels edgy and forced and unecesary. If you want to shock or throw feels at your audience kill your own damn OC. That being said I did like this for what it was. Short and contained, its like pony creepy pasta without the 'but who was phone?!'

For those yelling against the story, honestly it's just an exercise in your suspension of disbelief. You're not supposed to know what it is, it doesn't even matter that much, just know that it is and there isn't anything you can really do about it. If you have to think of it like the fae from Xenophillia. Ancient and taking pleasure on the terror and torture of others.

Good shit m8 10/10, won't read again though, I cry everytime my waifu's mane6 die in stories and have to hold back the urge to downvote.


P.S. Luna is a badass.

Terrifying. It's after 1AM and I heard a light knocking at my door right when it was getting really spooky with the monument. It was just the neighbor toddlers playing around, I guess

Yup. That sure was some spooky as buck shit. Wow. Good Nightmare Night tale. :twilightoops:

I love horror stories with happy endings the most by far, but I wouldn't want to water down what you have going here... Really good, super scary.

I have mixed feelings about this story.

While the horror aspect of this story was well written, the are a number of plot holes that detract from it. For one, if the creature was so powerful that it could obliterate an entire dimension (or pocket universe), then how could Twilight's shield spell have contained it? It's implied that the creature needs something (or someone) that it can hide behind, yet if Twilight destroyed everything in the library that it could hide behind, then it should not have been able to "transfer" itself to Luna. I also noticed that it couldn't attack Twilight until Luna had shut her eyes. That should have given them enough time to get the rest of Twilight's friends and then blast the creature with the Elements/Rainbow Power.

Also, it was never stated if it native to the realm that Twilight visited, or if it came from some where else.

This... this was horrifying in all the right wrong right ways. Gave me the creeps, chills, and tears all at once. The deliberate vagueness of the creature was especially unsettling. Lovecraft would have been proud! :pinkiecrazy:

It's difficult to make something scary in writing. Since it's a medium where the reader controls the pace, the tempo, and such. But you managed it. The subtle hints that something was wrong, and the revelation of what was wrong. Furthermore, you present a... Danger without showing it to us. The Fear of the Unknown is one of the oldest and most deep rooted fears in every living thing, and you utilized it well here.

Nice job.

This is one of exactly three times I've ever seen the Hidebehind (or at least something exactly like it) tackled in fiction.

It's also the best of those. Well done.

Kapuchu #36 · Nov 2nd, 2016 · · 1 · Luna ·

An... interesting turn of events. However, I think this chapter detracts from the first. Instead of making it an ambiguous ending where we only know that there's something, and we never find out what, you instead give us a tangible threat. Yes, it is still frightening, but it is not on the same level, not in the same way.

You could have ended it all with the first chapter, never writing this one, and the story would have been complete. I feel that what you wanted to write was a psychological horror, making use of "The Unknown", but in this chapter you make it "Known" which lessens the impact of the first chapter. Does that make sense?

Were I to be completely honest (and perhaps a little mean, you have my apologies), I would say that Chapter 2 was a bad idea. Chapter 1 was great, Chapter 2 was... kinda bad. Instead of our lack of knowledge being something that makes it interesting, our lack of knowledge becomes annoying (to me, at least). You confirm that there is something, but you don't tells us what it is. You tell us that it killed Spike, but we never see his corpse or find out how--the same with Twilight. Luna turns to look at it, but we aren't told what it looks like.

So instead of making the reader uncertain if there really is something there (like you did in Chapter 1. Even the end isn't definite), and this uncertainty being used to make things scary and intriguing, Chapter 2 simply withholds information for no obvious reasons.

I hope what I've written makes sense. Please don't think I didn't like the story, I did. But Chapter 1 was definitely the best of the two :twilightsmile:

Crimmar #37 · Nov 2nd, 2016 · · 1 · Luna ·

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In hindsight, I am in total agreement. Chapter 1 was the most well thought out part. I was working on that in my mind for days. Chapter 2, not so much.
The story has always been a test, to see what works and what doesn't. Was ambiguousness, vagueness, and the unknown in general scary enough in the first chapter? By the reactions, total success. Chapter 2 was a test to see whether the sense of unknown could work differently. You know there is something there but don't know what. That... doesn't work quite as well. As the writer I can't see the story with your eyes since in my mind I know exactly what the "monster" is, but you don't, and I can guess now how annoying that was.

I am working (read; spinning in my mind) a reimagining of sorts. An expanse of the idea, reworked enough to be original. A multichapter horror story that will have a similar theme of an encroaching fear as the first chapter of this one, then the reveal of the monster, it's capabilities, and motives. As much as the protagonists will be able to guess at least. I don't intend to have it appear and say, "Hi, I'm Alfonso. I can juggle and I'm a boss at coordinated marching."
The problem I have is; I cannot kep riding on horror. There must be a point where it transforms on terror, and actual tangible threat. I am not sure whether I wish to kill ponies for the scare factor, so I am left with the question of how to achieve this. Any tips or ideas welcome.

P.S. That was mean? If it was, then do me a favor and be just as mean any time you comment on my stories :twilightsmile: Critisism is always welcome! And thank you for reading!

Kapuchu #38 · Nov 2nd, 2016 · · 3 · Luna ·

7690588
Not everyone takes criticism well, and some people see it as mean when I say something they made isn't "good" :derpytongue2:

But a tip I could give: Think of what is terrifying.
Something I find terrifying is the idea that there's something chasing me (or I'm convinced something is), and that if I stop fleeing I'm gone. I don't think killing characters helps, not if the Fear of the Unknown is what you want to base the story on. Part of what would be terrifying is also not knowing what it would do if it caught you.

I don't think you even actually need to have the ending be a "Bad End". Basic premise (very basic) example:

Ponies investigating some place
They start thinking something is there with them
"Unknown Predator" ?
Ponies are Prey
Ponies fleeing from Unknown Predator.
End - Ponies escaped, but never found out what chased them.

Perhaps you could make something like that work?

This made my sides f***ing tingle. Holy crap. This is legit horror!

7670058

The way I understand it, the creature didn't obliterate anything. The original inhabitants of that other world created the portal on their side, and mistakenly brought that goddamned SCP through, and then they destroyed everything while trying in vain to stop it. Creeeeeeepy.

Absofrickenlutely creepy!! THIS is true horror!!!

7691289 Pure confusion........what SCP are you talking about?????

7692845

I was speaking figuratively. It's not really an SCP, but it may as well be.

7506874 That would be a very Discord thing to do, and I love the idea. Obviously, it doesn't mesh with horror very well, but... I would read the crap out of that anyway.

Dang. I always love these dark and horror stories. Very nice, very nice.

I really liked the first chapter, I didn't enjoy the second as much.

*shivers* this was freakin scary as hell.

................I don't know what to say....................while Luna accomplished her task and delivered a f:yay:ck you to the unseen creature, it is still sad that two good people have perished from it's own hands......................at least, it will not hurt anyone else and I wish Luna the best.

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