• Member Since 7th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 43 minutes ago


I am not contained between my hat and my boots.

Comments ( 238 )
ocalhoun #1 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · 1 · CJ ·

Hey guys, I put a lot of work into this story, so please don't say anything bad about it. I worked on it for hours, so don't disrespect me.

why do I get the feeling this shouldn't be taken seriously?

I came so fucking hard.

What a masterpiece. Best story I've read in a long time.

Comment posted by Waterpear deleted Jul 16th, 2014
Comment posted by Waterpear deleted Jul 16th, 2014

OMG I'm dying of laughter! :rainbowlaugh:

I so want to upvote it without even reading it, just to troll you.:pinkiehappy:

What I really fear (or embrace; your mileage may vary) is that I will read it and than upvote, based on the fact that you promised a train wreck, and then delivered a train wreck.

As the proud author of Twilight Eats a Peach, Scootaloo and Celestia: Adventures in Twilight's Gall Bladder [which actually has a reading on YouTube (and it's awesome)], and soon to be a fic inspired by a thread titled "What's the worst fanfic you can imagine" (hint: Being John Malkovich except with Flash Sentry and no gorilla flashbacks), I do appreciate a good crackfic more than most.

On top of that, given that Amethyst Star/Sparkler is a favorite background pony, based on you avatar I can't really hate it, can I?

Oh, the moral dilemma.

When you look at what you shot, though, you see that you shot Zecora.
You feel kind of bad about it, but she should of not snuck up behind you, so it's really her fault.

. . . considers upvote.:trollestia:

And then they had sex.

fap fap fap

And then they had sex again.

fap fap fap

And then they had sex again.


(fap fap fap)

ANd then they took a little break because Twilihgt was tired.
And then they had sex again.

I'm spent.

SHe's so dumb and weak. So you do the merciful thin and use you're Call of Duty knife to slit open her belly from top to bottom, and you strangler her with her guts.

Someone once asked me how I could write both well-thought-out novel-length stories and one-shot crackfics. I said, "I take what I'd do in a serious story, and then do the opposite."

Still, I can't help but think you died a little inside when you wrote this abomination.

You say: "AJ! You better go get an abortion."

Achievement unlocked: fanatic button pushed.

AJ, there is no God. Anyone who thinks there is a God is a moron.

Achievement unlocked: rabid fanatic button pushed.

So Rarity kills Applejack

Considering upvote for having BESTPONY win.

You kill Rarrity!

Achievement unlocked: pissed-off author.

It's okay because she's still warm and not stiff yet. It's like the five-second rule, but with horsepussy instead of food.

I don't even know what to say.

Someone had to read this abomination and make sure it passed FimFiction's standards. For that reason alone, I'll give you the downvote you're so craving.

You owe that poor bastard a beer or ten.

At the same time, I feel you've managed a pyrrhic victory, since there are stories of lower quality on the site.

EDIT: I'm favving it, too. You can't stop me.

I give this a 420 No Scope/10, would boost KD with the Author!

Cheers, Null

P.S. Seriously though I was in tears when Twilight dragged Flash into the library, great work as always. Out of sheer morbid curiosity I was wondering how long this took you to write?

Majin Syeekoh
Story Approver

OMG, this shit was so hilars!

After some reflection . . .

I have a terrible premonition of this being featured.

What have we unleashed? :twilightoops:
1000000/10 would read again.
Yes, I downvoted it just for you.

Yip #22 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · · CJ ·

It just isn't the same when you do it intentionally and people downvote you for the intent to get you below 50% rating.

Just isn't the same.

Comment posted by Epsilon-Delta deleted Jul 16th, 2014

21 downvotes and 18 readers?

How dare you downvote without even reading the story!?!??!!!
You have to give it a chance!

Nghhh you are trying to break me... I know you want down votes so if I down vote can we consider it a upvote since thats what you want?:facehoof:

downvoted, don't worry it's richly deserved.

I'll check it out. Before voting.

While painful to read, I can appreciate the concept and what I did read was hilarious.

I'm going to up vote and assume that 30 people don't know what the word "satire" means. (Or don't recognize it.)

I see a bit of this going on:

Now lets see who gets it. :trollestia:

Why you do dis?

I wonder.... there was something about a Bad fanfiction contest... something on a recent nightly roundup on EQD. Has this anything to do with that?

Comment posted by KaBar42 deleted Jul 16th, 2014

This is literally a perfect story. Where did you ever come up with this idea? :trollestia:

;You didn't get to have sex with her, but then you do anyway. It's okay because she's still warm and not stiff yet. It's like the five-second rule, but with horsepussy instead of food.

The magnum opus of your work. Magnificent.

What the heck did you just flipping say about me, you big meanie? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Tiny Tots Program, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the girl's bathroom, and I have over 300 confirmed noogies. I am trained in Nerf warfare and I have the most gold stars in the entire kindergarten class. You are nothing to me but just another butthead. I will beat you the heck up with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my dang words. You think you can get away with saying that baloney to me on the glowy type-box? Think again, doodiehead. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of teachers across the USA and your parents are being called to pick you up right now so you better prepare for the spanking, junior. The spanking that wipes out the dumb little thing you call your playtime. You're in big darn trouble, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can wedgie you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed fartfights, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States PTA and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your dorky bottom off the face of the playground, you little poopypants. If only you could have known what serious punishments your little "smartypants" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your goshdarned tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you silly doofus. I will spray boogers all over you and you will cry about it. You're frickin grounded, buttmunch.

Oh lord god, ocalhaun. Whatever did you do? :raritydespair:

For an obvious crackfic it still made me giggle so you get thumbs up for that.

Comment posted by Pump It Up deleted Jul 16th, 2014

Oh GOD I'M DYING!!! This is literally one of the best stories I have ever read.


That's Shakespeare if I ever saw it.

This is one of the best stories I've ever had the honor of reading. It bonded me emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually. Five star work, NO, 8 star work. Out of 5.

This story sucked so bad I cudnt even get imersed bcuz I got like a billino kills and no daeths. -5/10 wud not fap.

This is Shakespeare to the highest degree. I cried when Flash Sentry took the bullet for his sick grandmother. I clopped when Flash Sentry gave Twilight Sparkle AIDS. I relished the moment when Flash Sentry killed the ponies and fornicated with Luna's corpse.

You, my good sir, have written a masterpiece that is deserving of a downvote. Good day to you.

4702725 I ask the very same thing... oh my, ouch... :pinkiesick:

"This was absolutely awful, no redeeming qualities. 11/10" --IGN

This is an entirely serious story. :ajbemused:

I know, right? It's so sexeh.

It's my 'best' yet!

What? There were no funny parts at all.


Yeah... that did kinda suck.

Yes, that is one of the best lines I've ever written. :ajsmug:

It took hours of carefully thought out poor execution.
Saved a lot of time on proofreading, though. :twilightsmile:
(Heh, maybe I should have trolled some proofreaders by asking them to take a look at it.) :rainbowlaugh:

It's not funny. It's serious. :ajbemused:

I think we've avoided that tragedy, at least.

I owe it all to you guys! :fluttercry:

I guess not, but it still technically counts.
Achievement unlocked: more than 50% downvotes.
Bonus achievement unlocked: more votes than reads.

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