John hasn't been sleeping well lately.
Every time he tries to sleep, his slumber is disturbed by a horrifying nightmare. The rest of the night is spent lying on his bed waiting for the sun to rise. When morning finally comes, he's little more than a sleepwalker.
Then one night, he meets a mystical princess from another world who shows him the horrible truth behind his nightmares. A truth that's slowly, slowly killing him.
Authors note: Don't go easy on me. If this fic is good, tell me it's good. If this fic is crap, tell me it's crap. If this fic is so bad it makes My Immortal look like The Grapes of Wrath, don't hesitate to tell me.
I'm a big boy. I can take it.
EDIT: I give my eternal gratitude to HerpDerp for proofreading chapter 6!
Chapters (7)
bitsandchips.it/images/2013/06/11/and-so-it-begins1.jpg
3335018
It has indeed.
I will now be of minor help.
1. Try putting italics and quotation marks to separate narration and thoughts. You also missed a comma there.
2. You missed the beginning of the sentence below
3. Again, use italics and quotation marks for thoughts
4. Nothing wrong here really, you just have an extra space.
5. More thoughts
6. I'm not one to say what to put here, but if you were looking for a verb to replace flies/swims then you could use "drifts" or "glides". *shrug*
Anyway, all the suggestions aside, it seems good enough. Not too many errors. NOTE: I am not a professional
Now putting THAT aside, I look forward to what will come. Does it have to do with some demon that feeds off of fear made by nightmares [THAT IT MAKES TO FEED ITSELF] ?
This looks goo so far keep it up
3335370
This looks "goo"? Doesn't look gooey to me.
3335250
6. I'm not one to say what to put here, but if you were looking for a verb to replace flies/swims then you could use "drifts" or "glides". *shrug*
It's simple: she's flying and swimming at the same time. I'll explain more later.
WOW. I normally hate human crossovers, but this...this is something good. I have a particular affection for grimdark stories and creepypasta, and this has tickled my fancy. Will continue to read as it is updated. Aside from a few plot-flow corrections (which Citadel Felguard attended to), this is looking great. Keep it up, and contact me if you're looking for help with editing!
3335388
Flying and swimming at the same time
Sounds like what Discord does when he defies physics
3335397
Thanks. 'Fraid it won't all be grimdark though.
3335399
You'll see.
I am intrigued by this. Aside from the issues pointed out by Citadel Felguard, it seems well-written so far. The prose is neither purple nor beige (not that either one is inherently bad). This looks like one I'll have to keep track of.
This reminds me of the game Knock Knock. Will definitely be checking this out.
3335770
Never heard of it. What's it about?
3335776 Great, you had to ask me. The best way for me to explain this gigantic mindfuck of a game, is to not explain at all. Some youtubers already have videos, such as Markiplier. Go watch a video on it, it will be worth your time.
3335785 And a link to the game, hopefully this'll help.
3335791
Looks interesting. I'll have to check it out.
3335250
How do you edit these stories?
3338172
You click the edit option at the top of the page below the chapter title and story title.
I'd like to see an increase in the levels of pony involvement, but this has potential. Let's see where this goes...
3338544
You won't be disappointed...I hope.
3338840 be there human magic?
3343885
You'll see.
3344691 if so, wanna join my group?
3349123
Which group?
3349230 "Human Magic".
Ah. Dream demons. KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
3357250
Not demons. Creatures.
Every. Dang. Time.
I wondered who was doing that.
Well, (I guess this is after editing) this is really good! Better than my first story. You have my xupport, keep it up.
Ye, like you was, once upon a forgotten time, a plural. It was used like the royal We as an honorific. In modern old English, this is fine, but Luna'd have said 'thee.'
*MINE. 'Thine' would make it the nightmare-thing's wrath, and the nightmare thing isn't angry (if it has any brains, it should be afraid), it's getting punished by her anger. You could also say "face thine appointed fate" or "face thy doom" if you wanted what the thing was facing to be its own.
Blah blah blah... I only include these criticisms because you request them. This was actually quite engaging, and whining about grammar that hasn't applied in 400 years feels like it detracts from the glowing review I want to give. Please continue.
I really enjoy the characterization of Luna, both as vengeful dreamwalker and gossippy prankster.
3360842
What? She's just doing her job.
3357315 So...kill it with fire?
3365423
Not exactly.
3365537
3365552
Don't worry, I assure you that it will be awesome.
3368928 okay.*sad*
Welp,Given a mortal absolute power....We're fucked
This is why us wizards are so rare.
Luna says she's old....
But really, she's a dumbass on the highest of levels, even surpassing Adam Sandler. God, that's a scary thought.
3406653
What do you mean?
3407063 Giving alicorn powers on a whim, and caring so much about a foreign being? Just a tad silly
3414712
Who says she's doing it on a whim?
http://i.imgur.com/WBn0uv5.gif
the hamster is a nightmare, Macho Man is Macho Man.
3423166
What?
Not a bad chapter. I will say however can he dance like this? i.imgur.com/49cVk9b.gif
What's that power armor from?...And the blades?
3424429
How should I know? It's his imagination.
3424429 Seems like WH40K, just a guess.
3425385
I admit; John's armor was partially inspired by Space Marine Terminator armor. Though it is much more advanced.
3425398 Yeah, definitely.
I have never played warhammer, ever.