• Member Since 25th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

JumpingShinyFrogs


An Irish girl who reads, writes, reviews, and occasionally draws. Don't worry though. My hair isn't black, my eyes aren't blue, and I'm not from Galway, so you won't be losing your heart to me.

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Niamh, an introverted student of veterinary science, finds herself transported to a strange world inhabited by ponies. Of course, that means becoming one herself. Now she must prove to the other ponies that she is not the 'Nightmare Moon' they think she is, and earn their trust, while they must earn hers. Especially this 'Princess Luna' character.

But two questions stand out above the rest as being truly important: How did she get there, and why?


Featured 19/03/14 Didn't expect that.

Amazing cover art was done by the extremely talented MrFulp.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 415 )

Really damn good so far. :heart:

Hope to see more soon.

Not a bad start, I'll keep an eye on this.

Seems promising, we will be watching.
*skulks back under the bed*:pinkiecrazy:

Fucking brilliant good sir! I shall keep watch.

i like a story were trust is earn both ways and not I trust you off the bat like a brony does even when there not even friends.

So far, it's following a fairly typical HiE formula. Very short introduction to the main character who is then quickly thrust into Equestria.

You see, this is supposed to be a character-driven story, and yet we barely get a glimpse of who this person is and what she's about before she's sucked out of the world and plopped into an over-rated, underdeveloped (from the show's standpoint) 'dark-is-cool' character. There's about half-a-page devoted to the main character on Earth. That's less than we got with Luke Skywalker in the first "Star Wars" movie. More of the story so far tells about her arrival and discovery that she has become a mystical equine.

This is the sort of thing you can really only get away with when the story is a satire or straight-out farce, where nothing serious occurs and nothing dramatic matters.

This looks pretty good! Can't wait for the next chapter.

4105049 exactly this.

You have very good arguments Alondro. .... Most of the time.:twilightblush:

At least their story is published though, unlike mine lol... Still working on that...

This is different :pinkiesmile: nice different :pinkiehappy:
I like it :twilightsmile:

4105088 I do try to have a basis for everything!

I have so many story ideas... but not enough time to write. I am generally a slow writer who must think and plan out every major development of both event and character in advance.

Perhaps I should write a slice of life with a simple plot just to get my mind in motion.

look at the manes like nightmare moon now lets gues what it is made of space cotten candy?

This chapter is good. Another! :pinkiehappy:

Well, I have to say that as much as this premise has been thoroughly beaten to death in a plethora of ways, this actually seems to be a fresh take on an otherwise generic ponified HiE story. Perhaps it's because we rarely see the human turn into an actual pony from the show while that pony still exists in Equestria, and never do we see the human turn into Nightmare Moon of all ponies (strange, considering how beloved she is).

All in all, I've got my eye on this. Of course, from what the A/N says it'll be a while before more is given, but all the same I'm looking forward to it when the next chapter does come. :twilightsmile:

4105719 Actually, the first three chapters are already mostly written, so the delays won't be as bad, at least at the start. Chapter 1 just needs to be edited, and I may post it tomorrow or the day after.

Don't quote me on that, though.

you has caught my eye

This has definitely piqued my interest! I wonder what'll happen next!

Darn it! I knew I was forgetting something important.
*Tries to work on The Moon Shall Rise From Hell's Ashes*
*Gets less than 200 words written in that one sitting.*
Ah, flip it. I'll finish the next chapter later.

i read alot of fics like this there were good but for some odd reason the fic had died and was forgotten i hope this one survives....

4105049

I thought I read that in order for a story to get posted, it had to have pony content in the first chapter? Maybe I'm confusing the much MUCH higher standards of EqD with FimFic...

Tho I've seen ways around it with the story jumping part way into the middle, then falling back to the start of the timeline as one giant flashback of sorts.

Actually, now that I think on it. FimFic will let you post anything you want-- it'll just get an avalanche of downvotes and ignored. Ok, never mind then. :twilightsmile:

I hope to read more, this, intrigues me.

4106847
I thought it just had to have over 1000 words total across all chapters initially submitted, and pony content somewhere among them. Been a while since I read the submission guidelines.

4106847 Nope. There have been several fics I've read which didn't have ponies in the first chapter.

I have also seen a few that did... and then kinda forgot about them for several hundred thousand words after that.

So far so good! Nightmare Moon doesn't have feathers, though, so Niamh can't look entirely like her.

4106847 What are you talking about? This has pony stuff in the first chapter.

4107498 Actually, Nightmare does have feathers. They're just hard to see because of her coloring/how she is drawn.

4107551 You're right, I see them now. Weird, feathers and membrane in one.

So far go good but She gonna need rid of the armor on the way or end up bad for her (specially the helmet),but of course without hands taking away the armor could be a problem.
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/241/e/8/naked_nightmare_moon_by_90sigma-d5ctjwd.png
There , she look better isn't

I like your story and every other story where a human terns into Nightmare Moon but only two that I have seen are the best and your story is one of them.

don't be afraid to bring him back here," I said.

I feel this should have more description than it does. Having only an "I said" feels weak for an intro. You could probably just remove it since the next paragraph cues that the person feeling bored said something.

Unfortunately, I slipped in a puddle and landed flat on my back. In the puddle. Of course. Why would I land anywhere else?

This whole puddle slipping part seems contrived and not really important to the story as a whole. Is Niamh supposed to be clumsy?

When I reached my apartment, I sat down heavily on the couch. I was cold and wet. I stood up again and got changed. The sun was going down. I reached for a book and began to read. I would look at my list later.

There is a lot of "telly" language here. It feels more like instructions on doing a lab report than an actual story. Try adding more detail, "show" the reader what Niamh is doing instead of just listing things off.

Whatever I was sleeping on was not the comfortable bed I remembered sleeping on.

Word repetition.

I could feel whatever they were rubbing off the ground.

Maybe rubbing over the ground? Rubbing stuff off the ground just sounds odd.

The starry purple cloud followed me, billowing in the wind I created by moving.

I suggest removing that.

A single, spiral horn jutted from my reflection's forehead, through a hole in a pale blue metal helmet.

First comma shouldn't be there, second comma I think would feel better as a semi-colon.

I like your concept but I think some of the writing could do with revision. I noticed a lot of "I did this", "I did that", "I looked here". It honestly gets a little repetitive, we know we are in the character's head and this is a first person story. Finding other ways to describe actions while reducing the total usual of the word "I" will help a small amount. The story also seems to tell the reader what is happening and not showing.

If you want some examples of what I consider good use of the first person perspective ask, I am sure I have some buried away in my favorites somewhere.

I would like to read more of this:twilightsmile:

Interesting, more pleases

4105049
Not every fic or story gets into their character's backstory right from the get-go, dude. The Bourne movies didn't (due to his amnesia), and that series had several sequels. Smallville didn't. You learned some stuff about Clark in the first episode, but learned more about him as the series went on. Same thing for LOST. Especially for LOST. (Yes, LOST had a crap ending, but up until the last season it was a great show.
With the Indiana Jones movies there's a TON of stuff you don't find out about him besides his father was an archeologist and so was he and he is obsessed with making sure relics 'should be in a museum'. He wasn't really a 'Hero-Adventurer' until he got older. If you want his story, you have to read the books, and/or watch the incomplete 'Young Adventures of Indiana Jones' series.
Yes you barely get anything for this story's main character so far. But that doesn't mean that you won't later.

4108715
4105049

I agree with WorldWalker on that. People don't want the characters full life story right from the beginning, they get bored learning about her failed third grade math test and already went off to Flutterdash Fic #442. Keeping It minimal in the first chapter or so is good because you can reveal information about her in the coming chapters. That way people don't get bored and you learn as the plot moves along.

That's my two cents, though.

Frequently stronger for these stories to start off with a simple character introduction, then work in background detail as appropriate. You get right to the action and current events being contrasted or interwoven with background can be used to reinforce both for a greater effect.

Works well, if done properly. Definitely going to track this story.

Don't become a stranger, be an update ranger‼‼

Haiku fu:

Fantastic story
Reaching chapter number one
Will your Muse be kind

I keep forgetting that my Uni is the only one being awkward and calling the course Veterinary Medicine, not Veterinary Science.
This seems like an interesting concept, and the only error I spotted was was "enfluenza", so I'm looking forward to more :)
The only thing I took issue with was:

"False pleasantries. Why bother? I don't see many of these people on a regular basis, so what does it matter if I'm friendly or not?"

Because they make the client interaction much easier, calm stand-offish clients, improves the practice's reputation and often prevent misunderstandings; ~90% of complaints made to the RCVS (admittedly a British association) about graduate clinicians are due to poor communication skills during their consultations.

:rainbowlaugh:
Great story! I've never read one where a human gets turned into some sort of villain such as Nightmare Moon.

4105049
I'm going to mildly disagree with you here. We need enough to get a general idea of who the character is, but too much makes it feel like the author is just fixated on their OC. Here, we see that the protagonist is studying to be a vet and doesn't have great people skills (or doesn't like things she thinks are unnecessary, depending on how you read the bit where she's pretending to speak to a customer). Then, pony. The upside is that the switch to pony-related things happening occurs soon enough that I haven't wandered off to read something else, but there's still plenty of time to expand on the character of the protagonist.

Think of it this way--how many traits do the Mane Six have that wedon't see within two minutes of their first appearance?

I look forward to more, good job :pinkiehappy:

4109917 Your talking about the difference between characters in their own world versus one being thrown into another world.

In the latter case, there is much greater need to know the character more deeply, as they are suddenly thrust into a place they do not belong. It becomes difficult to then introduce them along the way, especially in a circumstance like this where not only has she been tossed into another dimension, she's also been stuck in the body of a villain.

I would point out that the entire first episode of MLP:FiM was introductory. That adds up to over 100 pages of writing.

If this was a short story, then summarization of all detail is a necessity. But this is very clearly going to be a novella-length story at the very least. Skimping on the intro info is unwarranted.

Let me ask you this, would you be satisfied with this prologue if the main character, rather than ending up in the body of a fan-favorite, instead ended up in the body of Daisy? Remember, with what we have right now, nothing written save a few details in the last few paragraphs would undergo any changes with that body swap.

The stage is set, the act was started, and now I only want to see how the plot will twist and turn from this wonderful beginning.:twilightsmile:

*nightmare moon gets blasted with the elements* *nothing happens*
NM:MURDERER! YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!
Twilight: SHE SURVIVED THE ELEMENTS!! IMPOSIBRU!! *sepukku* (yes it is a running Gag for me to have twitlelight spickle commit seppuku*

I want more More MORE

4110167
Honestly if she wound up as Daisy I never would have read the first chapter, I'm just here for the shitstorm when Nightmare Moon stumbles into town asking for a phone and a doctor.

I'll agree that more information would have been good, since we don't know very much about our main character aside from her career choice and whatever we may infer from that. I'm just saying that spending too much time describing the character going about her day gets really boring if we don't start to see signs of the plot starting. I usually wouldn't even advise most authors to start a story with their OC for risk of losing the audience, but in cases like this it's almost unavoidable unless you start the story at a later point and do a lengthy "how we got here" flashback.

More importantly, character traits are irrelevant if they're told but not shown. For example all the stuff about her being a vet goes out the window if she ignores suffering animals when she has no good reason for it. The author could pile all kinds of detail about her life and personality into the prologue but none it matters anyway unless Niamh actually shows those traits, so anything that can be shown and not told probably should be.

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