This was really not my day. Or drug high. Whatever. First I'm turned into a horse, or pony. Then I injure myself multiple times, cause a mass panic attack, fall out of a chariot, and get dragged to some fairy tale castle. Now a big white pony and a smaller blue pony who kind of looks like me are glaring at me like prison wardens about to interrogate someone. Which, coincidentally, I think is what they're about to do to me. Fun.
"Explain thyself, Nightmare Moon," growled Luna.
"Are you sure you want that? I don't think you do. It's a very long and strange story," I said.
"We are not going anywhere," she said in return, leaning back slightly as if to prove her point.
"And neither are you, until you explain yourself," said Celestia.
Her horn shone gold for a moment, and suddenly my front legs were tied together with that glowing rope stuff that Twilight had put on my horn and wings, only this time it was golden. I nearly fell over, but managed to right myself. Then I processed what had actually just occurred.
"What just happened? Your horn lit up, and suddenly I'm tied up. How did that happen?" I asked.
They looked at me like I was asking them 'Why is water wet?'.
"Art thou mocking us, or art thou just stupid?" asked Luna, a slight edge to her voice.
"You tell me," I said.
"We won't listen to you or your mind games, Nightmare Moon. Now, how about you explain yourself peacefully, and I won't get Twilight and her friends to blast you," said Celestia with all the class of a criminal mastermind.
"You want an explanation? Fine, I'll give you an explanation. But don't say I didn't warn you."
"It takes more than a few carefully selected false words to sway us, demon," said Luna.
So, I did as they asked and told them everything. I told them about being perfectly fine earlier today, falling in a puddle and probably getting high off it, waking up in a strange place in a stranger body, and being shunned and disrespected until I arrived here and became very confused.
"That," began Luna, "was the most ridiculous thing we have ever heard."
"Two-legged creatures called 'humans'?" said Celestia. "Please. Such creatures exist in an entirely different world, and can only enter Equestria through use of a portal. A portal which is not open right now. Nor would such a portal give you the form of Nightmare Moon, unless you were that world's equivalent of Nightmare Moon. Your fairy tale holds no water."
"And as for us being mere figments of thine imagination, we have not heard such a nonsensical claim since thou first tried to convince us that we were unloved a millennia ago," said Luna.
"You're calling me a fairy tale, yet you're a pair of unicorn princesses," I said.
They looked at me, then at each other. They didn't need to say anything. The look said plain as day 'She's crazy'.
"Right," said Celestia, lighting her horn. A white crystal appeared in a flash, suspended in a golden aura that matched the one around her horn. "Let's try that again, shall we? Explain yourself. Truthfully, this time."
Her strange horn tricks were interesting. Could I do that? Nah, it seemed like something that'd be hard to master.
"What's that?" I asked.
"A crystal with a truth enchantment placed upon it," said Luna. "Shouldst thou attempt to lie, the crystal will crack. We are prepared to sit here all day until the crystal is broken, in which case we shall acquire a new one, or until thou tells us the truth. Whichever comes sooner."
Lie detectors. Yeah, my crap senses are tingling.
So I told them my story again. I told it exactly the same as before, and sure enough, the crystal didn't crack, not even once. The look on their faces was priceless.
"The enchantment must be faulty," muttered Celestia, examining the crystal and hitting it with her hoof.
"Summon another one," suggested Luna.
Celestia did just that, and I explained myself again. It was getting annoying to repeat it. According to the crystal, I was still telling the truth. The two ponies stared at the crystal, utterly dumbfounded. I must have had the most disgusting smirk on my horsey face.
Celestia took a deep breath. "Ok, let's try a different approach. We'll ask you questions, and you'll answer them truthfully. If you're lying, we'll know," she said.
"Can I also ask you questions?" I asked. I seriously needed to know about the stuff my mind was conjuring up. I probably needed to see a therapist or something. Also in the very, very, very unlikely event that this was in fact not a drug high, I needed to know as much about this crazy place as possible.
Luna glanced at Celestia, then spoke, "We suppose, but we reserve the right to not answer thy questions if we do not wish to."
"Deal," I said.
"How did you get here?" asked Celestia.
"No idea!" I replied cheerfully. The crystal remained intact.
"How didst thou create a corporeal form for thyself without the use of our body?" asked Luna.
"Uh...pass?" I said. "I'm not sure how to even begin to answer that question. It might help if I knew what it meant."
"In laypony's terms," said Luna, a frown creasing her face, "how art thou standing before us in the solid form of a pony without having possessed us." She paused. "Unless thou hast taken over one of our beloved subjects?"
"No possession over here. Still don't really know how to answer that question. Presumably, I am solid because I am real, and I exist. Can we not philosophise? I have a question for you now," I said. The crystal didn't crack at any point.
"Go on," said Celestia cautiously.
"Who am I?" I asked.
The two ponies blinked and stared at me.
"Just sum me up in a few sentences, and tell me: Who am I? Everybody around here seems to know me, but I don't know me, and that's problematic. So do me a favour and explain."
"Thou art Nightmare Moon," began Luna. Her eyes had the look of somebody who knows they're walking into a trap, but can't do anything to stop themselves from continuing.
"Partially, thou were born from the hatred and jealousy in our heart a millennia ago, however thou art mostly a dark spirit that preys on weakness and negativity. Thou possessed us, and took control of us. Under thine influence, we attempted to snuff out the light of the sun permanently and create eternal night, but our sister banished us, and thou along with us, to the moon for a millennia. We escaped, and Twilight Sparkle and her friends used the Elements of Harmony against us, and cleansed us of thy foul presence," she said. "Does that answer thy ridiculous question?"
"Uh, kinda?" I replied. Weird. So apparently, I'm some evil spirit thing that nearly destroyed the world for some unfathomable reason. The persona I'd found myself thrust into wasn't very intelligent. How would anything or anyone benefit from eternal night? Everything would just die after a few months.
Unfortunately for me, the crystal didn't crack, not even a little. So apparently it was true.
"Why have you returned and allowed yourself to be so easily captured?" asked Celestia.
A little bit of a stupid question. Why would I tell her that, even if I did know the answer myself?
"When a purple unicorn is telling you to get in a chariot to go to 'Canterlot', you get in the freaking chariot and go to Canterlot," I said.
The crystal remained intact. "Not good enough. Strange vagueness will not satisfy us," said Luna. "Answer the question. Now."
"I don't know," I said. "I honestly don't know. Why am I suddenly a pony? Why am I suddenly in magical pony land, being interrogated by ponies with multicoloured clouds and stars for manes? Strangest drug high I've ever seen. Not that I have prior experience, but still."
The crystal stayed in one piece. "You...truly don't know?" asked Celestia.
"I haven't the faintest idea," I said proudly. I'm not sure why I was proud. Maybe because I had confused them, and they were really starting to irritate me. I'll take small victories, I suppose. The crystal stayed in one piece.
"My turn," I said. "What species am I?"
If Celestia's eyebrow went any higher it'd be breaking a hole in the roof.
"You're an alicorn," she said. "A pony with the attributes and magic of the three separate pony races."
The crystal was still unblemished, so apparently I really was an 'alicorn'. Sounded straight out of a little girl's tv show.
"Why art thou asking such foalish questions?" asked Luna.
"Because I genuinely don't know, and would like to," I said. The crystal didn't crack, so we were all being really truthful here.
Celestia and Luna swapped glances. "Art thou suggesting that thou hast amnesia?" asked Luna. Her 'ye olde English' speech pattern was getting really annoying.
"I suppose?" I said. "I don't know if 'amnesia' is a fitting term if I never was Nightmare Moon to begin with."
"Fascinating," said Luna, stroking her chin with a hoof.
"According to your story, you aren't from Equestria at all, and you think this is a, how did you phrase it, 'drug experience'. Just state that, out loud, and listen to yourself for a second. You're clearly delusional," said Celestia.
"Um, ok?" I said. I looked at the crystal and took a deep breath. "I am experiencing a crazy drug high."
The crystal cracked with an audible 'snap'. I swear I felt my blood freeze.
The two 'alicorn' ponies looked at me with smug expressions. I started hyperventilating again, all the panic from when I first woke up here quickly returning.
"O-ok, I think your crystal thing is broken, because there's no way in hell that this is r-real and..." I trailed off, because somehow, I just knew, deep down, that this was real, and denying it wasn't going to get me anywhere.
The two princesses simply stared gloatingly, as I stammered to myself and searched for something, anything to prove that this was not real. I couldn't.
My mind shut down, and I collapsed to the floor in a heap.
I opened my eyes slowly, to the sight of eight faces with varying levels of concern etched on them. I sat up suddenly, causing the gathered ponies to recoil. I looked down at myself and realised I was still a pony. Unfortunately, that hadn't changed, further solidifying the idea that this whole ordeal was real.
"Are you alright?" asked the white unicorn.
"I just woke from fainting after being told that this whole abhorrent experience is real," I said flatly. "Oh, I'm just fine"
"I was just asking," huffed the white unicorn.
Celestia cleared her throat. "During your, ahem, 'nap', Luna, the Elements, and I have been discussing what to do with you," she said, opening her wings. "On one hoof, you are Nightmare Moon, the evil creature that took over my sister and tried to take over Equestria and shroud it in eternal night. On the other hoof, you don't seem to be dangerous. Nor do you seem to be in complete control of your own facilities, mental or physical." She gestured for Luna to continue.
"So we have decided that seeing how the Elements managed to reform Discord while he was as sane as he could be, it is no stretch of logic to assume that thou can also be tamed. And so we are sending thee to Ponyville, to live amongst the ponies who symbolise the very essence of the Magic of Friendship and hopefully be reformed into a pony who can have a positive impact on society." She spoke the whole time devoid of any emotion.
I was silent for a moment. "Are you serious?" I asked. "Isn't there something better you could do with me, like say, I dunno, semding me home!?"
Luna narrowed her eyes. "A most adrimirable solution, save for the fact that thy 'home' seems to not exist. And even if it did exist, there is no guarantee that we would be able to send you there," she said.
So I was stuck here. Great. Just great. I felt a headache coming on as the ponies around me began to fuss about for my impending departure to Ponyville.
Shortly afterwards, I was bundled into another chariot, along with Twilight's band of merry men. Or mares. Whatever. They tried to make conversation with me, but I gave them one-word answers at best and ignored them at worst, and eventually they stopped. Eventually we arrived back at Ponyville. Twilight led me to a small empty house and gave me a key. She removed the ring and rope from my horn and wings and told me that this was my new home and I should get settled in. Then she disappeared in a flash of light.
I unlocked my new house and went inside. It was sparsely furnished, with basic kitchen fixings, a small dining table and two stools, a bathroom, a living room with a small empty bookshelf and some large cushions on the floor that I guess we're supposed to function as chairs. Trotting upstairs, I discovered another small bathroom and a bedroom, which had literally nothing in it except for a bed and a small lamp on a tiny bedside table.
With nothing better to do, I crawled into the bed and tried to make myself comfortable. My strange new body meant that was easier said than done, and once I was settled I tossed and turned for quite a bit. Eventually, I succumbed to sleep, somehow still clinging to the hope that when I woke up this would all be over...