• Member Since 17th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen May 2nd


I came and I brought bad luck...


Some said that I'm a Spirit...
Some called me Monster...
Some even Hero...
They were wrong. I'm just a girl that wants to get home to her family, to get her life back and if I have to carve my path with my Black Blade, then so be it!

{Character-tags will be updated with the story.}
{Currently being Edited by Tensemasterhalo.}

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 442 )

4034766 'Tis just a monthly occurence.

There's a group called League of Humans Acting Villainously. This story would more than likely show up there in twenty to thirty minuets.

4034766 It's just a flesh wound.

I saw the title and thought my mate had ponified his RWBY fanfic, but sadly no :fluttercry: can't wait to see where this goes though

About time one of these came around with serious effort. Lets see where you take us.

4034766 I'm invincible!

Who... Who is this HEATHEN?

This looks great. I cannot wait to see what happens next.

4035012 noting as good as British humour...

definitely earned a fave and a like, hope for more : )

28 Notifications- All are this one story. Really.

...This...has enough errors to make the mass of flesh rolling around in my skull rot. That's discounting the incongruencies, the fact that I feel like I'm reading the words of a guy, and the storytelling of an amateur. I'm simply at a loss as to how this became featured. It's not good enough.

Honestly, it has a decent enough premise, but the author doesn't have the wherewithal or skill to pull it off. The air of the speaker, the tangents, the real lack of description just irks me in a way I haven't been before. I'm....at a loss for words. I think I've just seen the impossible happen.

What did just clanged?
What just clanged? Did I just clang? What was that clang?

because apparently there is humans that evolved from unicorns.
because apparently there ARE humans that evolved from unicorns.

Only ones I saw, but I'm by no means a master of proof reading.

4034986 I love this movie. So much. It makes me want to be British.

4035012 trust me, you don't. im british and half the time it sucks

Tags will be updated with the story.

Why? I'd like to know before I start reading what kind of story I'm going to be reading. It's pretty lame to jump that on people half way through. Besides, you're already using six tags. How many more could you possibly need?

I'm sorry, I want to keep reading, but I fucking can't. There are too many damn grammar/spelling errors riddled throughout this thing. I didn't expect it to be perfect, but come on man! Get someone to review your work before it's published! This story has so much potential, if you just fix those mistakes. I'll point out a few just in case.

I feel like I'm agreeing with IkioStar. This really isn't feature material, not yet. It's incongruent and poorly worded. More needs to be done with this. If english isn't your first language, please say so in your description, otherwise my comments may seem to harsh. If english is your native language, you have no excuse.

'Where am I?' I though.

That should be "I thought"

Yeh, twenty years old

That should be "Yeah"

Rosy had brown wavy hair that went down to her shoulders, pale-green eyes and tanned skin. She had an athletic build and actually looked a tad bit older than me, which was actually funny, considering that we were twins.

There's no reason for this description of her. You didn't lead into it. If you had said something along the lines of "And I looked over to Rosy..." or something to indicate you were looking at her before you just broke into description. Or you could have brought up the fact that they were twins earlier and then used that as an excuse. You really need work on your transitions.

wearing the Cosplay-costume

Cosplay should not be capitalized. It's not the first word in a sentence, or a formal name.

ike some Romance, Fluff or, God forbid Yaoi,

Even more unnecessary capitalization. I'm assuming at this point that english isn't your first language. In any case, get someone to proofread your stuff before publishing it. It's wrong not to.

I would go on, but I'd be here for hours picking out the problems. Remove this story, get it proofread by someone fluent in english (which plenty of people will do for absolutely free) and then re-upload it.

I'll reiterate everyone else, there are enough errors to be distracting and detrimental to the overall quality of the work. I'd like to point out wolfs instead of wolves and leafs instead of leaves. You need at least a copy editor, if not a general editor to make the story better.

Funny how my story with the exact same name didn't get featured despite, according to the below comments, being better written than this.

Ah well, no use crying over spilt milk . . . or wait, does that saying even properly apply here? Whatever, I'm not mad is what I'm trying to say.

This is good. I hope ther will be more

4035012 ...

4035045 Can you at least name the source?:rainbowderp:

4035074 The one with the fortress-smashing sword, apparently.:pinkiehappy:

4035402 I'm glad to 'Pinkie' you.:pinkiecrazy: I hope this site of Fanfiction will be able to provide you with more impossibilities.:scootangel:

4035415 Thank you for your help!:pinkiehappy:

4035551 Pardon, I was talking about Character-Tags.:twilightsheepish:

4035673 1) I'm from Russia, and it is really hard to actually write something in English due to the different rules and all.:fluttercry:
2) Thank you for pointing out the mistakes.
3) The capital letters are there because of my style of writing.:applecry:
4) Proofreading is a thing that I really can't see the point of, it is you who needs to get better, not someone else, so I don't see the point. People like you, who points out the mistakes are really helpful in getting my skills in writing up to the appropriate level, so thank you!:pinkiehappy:

4035937 1) 'leafs' - My bad.
2) 'wolfs' - I don't remember how this technique is called, but sometime authors intentionally write some words wrong, like here as a part of some kind of running joke, or something similar. Here it was the old joke about 'Wolfs are not Wolves'.

Read the whole thing and i think Trixie was more humanized then antro.

4036229 Ponies are humanized in this story, other races like Gryphons are Anthropomorphic.:ajbemused:

... GAH!!!
I am so frustrated right now! I've been working on a "super-powered human in Equestria" fic for weeks now, with the main character given all the skills and powers of a Servant from Fate/Zero, and now this comes along, so I'll look even more unoriginal then before when I finally post mine. Ah well, such is life. Great minds think alike, and all that. :twilightsmile:
I think a few other people have mentioned the spelling and grammar issues, so I'm just going to focus on the actual story. I think you've got a pretty good start here. The pacing is good, the protagonist's reactions are very cleverly tongue in cheek, although you might be a tad heavy on the exposition. Although my personal belief is that it's better to have too much exposition than too little, and not everyone is a dedicated TypeMoon fan as well, so it may be for the best.
I look forward to seeing what comes out of this story next, and to the inevitable Black-calibur blasting of everything.

*Looks up at picture and reads description*
*Assumes that the story is a fate stay night cross over*
*favorites story then goes back to sleep*


4036205 Fire Emblem: Path or Radiance and Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn

4036308 1) Post it anyway, I really think there should be more F/MLP stories in general!:scootangel:
2) My position is that the person must be able to read my story without looking into Wikia every three minutes, so I'm trying to put at least some basics into it.:twilightsheepish:
4036325 Eh, sleeping, it claimed the best of us at some point or another.
4036397 Thank you!:pinkiesmile:

Not cool.

Keep in mind that this story is, independently of yours, well-written.
It has the advantage of belonging to the LoHAV, which has a tendency to turn out interesting fiction. As such, it was more likely to be noticed than was your Holy Grail rehash, no matter how good the rehash was.

Also keep in mind that similarity of title indicates nothing.

Eh... you need an editor / proofreader for all these typos. Other than that, I'd like to say where it goes if you continue it.

I am unfamiliar with your personality, and I encountered a very passive-aggressive post of yours. I know some artists take criticism very poorly, so I decided it would be worthwhile making my opinion of such posts known, if for no reason other than encouraging future writing.

Regardless of your reasons for posting it, and regardless of the outcome, it was the right decision at the time.


Considering I don't Know Saber Alter...

Not Bad. However, Prana is a new term to me. Took me going to the Wikia:pinkiesad2: to basically understand it as [Mana] as its typically referred to in most other mediums of Fate.

Still, I prefer Saber Nero (Red Saber to the Uneducated:facehoof:) to Most other Sabers, cause of She was basically a Villain, and her Noble Phantasm is Much more Interesting instead of "Herpderp Sword Lazer."

Still, Good Job. Keep it Going!


It has the advantage of belonging to the LoHAV, which has a tendency to turn out interesting fiction

Seriously? Almost everything in the LoHAV is just a rehash of the exact same premise, sometimes with amnesia thrown in for no logical reason. The basic concept was interesting, but the flood of awkwardly written "a cosplayer gets dropped into Equestria, makes terrible decisions" has really killed the uniqueness of the whole idea.

Man, fuck English. It's a bullshit language.

FINALLY! FINALLLLLLLY! AFTER THREE! GOD! DAMN! YEARS! SOMEONE HAS FINALLY MADE A GOOD SABER ALTER STORY! Granted it's not really saber alter but someone with her powers in equestria, but I digress, the fact that her powers are there and that someone's wielding them is more than I'd hoped for! Great first chapter, can't wait to see more. Keep goin and stay golden^^

Regardless of 're-hashes', the title of a story has little relevance here.

What makes me the most sad is that I can actually think of things that are more stupid than this. I can think of things that have less entertainment value.

But not many.

Really? Out of all the characters you chose Arthur? Why not Alexander? If you had used him this story would have a permanent place in the feature box along with a thousand likes on the first day you posted this.

Alexander The Great, coolest guy you'll ever acknowledge as your King.

4036063 i read that black knight fic of yours which im assuming is what your talking about i thought it was kinda funny because the prank backfired in the end on another notw im seeing comments that this is a movie or anime what would the name of it be and could i find it on youtube

4036705 I already said why I won't ask one for help.:twilightsheepish:
4036730 What do you mean?:rainbowderp:
4036756 You prefer Nero because she flashes everyone?:pinkiehappy:
4036783 I had to agree with you.:facehoof: Yes, my OC will be considered a Villain, but there will be an actual reason to it, and it all will be because of her actions and her actions alone, not because of some misunderstanding/corruption/etc.:rainbowdetermined2:
4036901 Thank you!:pinkiehappy:
4037085 He was one of the Servants I considered to use, but there is one big NO that makes it impossible to use him in this type of a story.:twilightsheepish: Two words: Reality Marble.
4037302 1) Main Character is using the image of Saber Alter from Visual Novel 'Fate/Stay Night' with the story going through 'Heaven's Feel Route'.
2) The joke about 'Black Knight' is the reference to the movie 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'.

only the Official Art does she flash.

In the Game, Fate/Extra, Her In combat Model has a solid white front. So No Flashy!:pinkiehappy:

I just like the fact that her Spirit is not basically a Cliche. Not to mention, She Grew and recognized her Mistakes in her previous life, unlike Arthur, who was "Oh Im King Arthur, Blind Paladin Mode Go!"

I may be a bit jaded about Lawful Good Characters being blindly Good...

4035415 Trust me...there's more.

Info-Dumping and putting things in bold. You must really have a bad habit of doing that. I skimmed much of it. This is not good.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!