- Member Since 3rd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Jan 16th, 2018
Pastel Pony
Just a girl doing her best to write semi-entertaining whatnots. I'm a female brony, not a pegasister ...Get it right.
Pastel Pony
Joined 3rd Oct, 2013 ·
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R.I.P my eyes.
This was good. You could, however, use an editor. I'm on my iPod as of now, so I can't provide specific examples, but I can tell you that you have issues regarding dialogue. A quick run by an editor should fix that, however.
As for the story, it's an interesting concept that I've never really seen done before, and I think you pulled it off very well.
I liked it very much.
Blue used Sad!
It's super effective!
...
Crab Spy started crying.
Crab Spy fainted!
~~~
I enjoyed this story quite nicely, though, like the other guy pointed out, there are many dialogue and grammatical errors. Get yourself a decent proofreader/editor and you should be good to go!
Keep writing, keep improving!
Ow, my feels...
Feelsx1000
but, I must make a costructive critic
I see this story... too quick. I think that with more calm an two or three chapters this story could be better... But it's good, very good also in this way
They should really fix the upstairs plumbing, it's raining in my room.
The feels.... they hit like bucking meteor. Congrats dude.
Beautiful story! Although, I must say you should probably run this through an editor if you haven't already. Being how I'm really rushed right now, I can't provide specific examples, but one specific thing that I remember was during the scene when Rainbow was bringing Scoots back to her family and the family outraged, you forgot to put an I before the said. And, like a critic said before, this did feel pretty rushed for such a heartwarming tale, and maybe a bit more depth and pacing could have been used to make this better. But, I'll give you some serious props for tugging so hard at my pretty much broken heartstrings! Very nice!
Needs more Scootabuse
It's enough to make a grown man cry
........... BUT NOT THIS GROWN MAN!!...get back in there tear 
#CloudyWithTheChanceOfMeatballs2
I read Scoot's sister as "Star Scream" at first.
I guess, even in death, he failed.
3870962 honestly scootabuse is the worst thing in this fandom it be better off if it never existed. but this was AWESOME almost made me cry
Ouch!!! ...my manliness...
Not a bad story. Enjoyable, and different from all of the usual sad/feel stories of RD and Scoots.
3871202
I am so glad to hear that I was not the only one to think this. I had to double check to make sure I was reading it right.
3871226 Nonsense
Scootabuse is love Scootabuse is life
This is a beautiful, touching story. It definitely needs some polish, as has been noted.
Well, great. Now I need to go read a comedy to counteract this.
hurk! two. sad. fics. in. a row. I just died inside.
Like number 69 on a truly beautiful story.
I love it.
3871545 No!! Pewdiepie is love!! Pewdiepie is life!!
Very good. I hate to say it and sound insensitive but...
What is sad about this? She had a sister she would never know, and now she has one that may not be biologically familial but loves her the same. Maybe it's just that I never had grandparents, and don't feel sad about it that so it makes me immune to the feels here. I guess I just don't get it. I think it is a nice story though, and I'm going to favorite and upvote it. I just don't see it as a sad story.
3872612 If it's not Sad, and it CAN'T be Tragedy, what is it?
3870995 Second best part of the movie. The first being the Sea Cucumbers/Pickles.
3874035
Uh Slice of Life should suffice... But I didn't say take down the sad marker... I'm not a monster...
Am I?
Of course she cried, as it shoud be:
"picture of Rainbow Dash and me"
And the same mistake ~4x in the text
http://theweek.com/article/index/253544/you-and-i-vs-you-and-me
3875246
Ahhh she's a kid so no need for the Grammar strictness.
3875455
Ugh... "I hung a picture of (...) I" sounds to me the same as "me love you long time."
3875544
It's a minor grammar issue that 700+ other people didn't call me out on
I'll fix it if and when I have time,
But frankly if I did I'd probably just have a bunch of people tell me it's wrong then
No it is not minor.
You had two people before me telling that you need an editor.
He/She would call you on it.
What more do you need for a hint?
Some other typos:
"but its just not quite the same as having a sibling to rely and depend on"
it's
"My parents know your a good pony who looks out for me. "
you're
I have yet to see one comment where someone miscorrects proper use of "I vs. me".
3875642
I know I need an editor
I'm trying to find one
But grammar's never been something I'm good at...
And I'm doing my best
3875246 I'm PRETTY sure it's "Rainbow Dash and I."
EDIT:Huh....What do you know? I was wrong. I'll take back my thumbs down now.
You....have made a princess cry.but....animal deaths have always been my weak spot. you have gained a like and follow.
3876020 *cough* we *cough* exist
Well, that's a progress. No scotacripple, no scotaorphan... But still pretty the same. Tell me, author, why you and your kind like make tragedies with Scotaloo? Why her, not any other pony?
That was beautiful
Don't...cry...urg... you know what, fuck that. I'm just gonna cry.
... nice.
The feels. Yes, the feels.
I do not take much pride in stories like this, but I can say with a wholesome heart that this is one of those stories that make me love this fandom. Thank you for writing this.
I read that as Star Scream.
I really enjoy this story. Have two moustache out of 3.
But i need to point out one thing that i know a few others pointed out. This story would have been better if it wasn't that short. It feels like it's all happening to fast. Just a tip for coming stories.
PS: I had the same problem when i started writing.
3881241 Yes. I, too, am happy that there are no Scottish orphans in this story.
3884170
Same.
It kind of made my brain shut off for a second as I tried to imagine such a thing.
3884943
"AHAHAHA! Now that Megatron is defeated, I AM THE NEW LEADER OF-"
"Sis? What're you doing?"
"Shush, Scoots. I'm trying to initiate a hostile takeover!"
3876020 I can help!
sweet
3886799
You...want to be my editor?
That was pretty decent, really.
Not a huge tear jerker like some, but good all the same.
Could use a bit of a fix and you probably could have drawn it out a touch more. Y'know, to get that punch for it.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Well, I see a bunch of people saying "you need a proofreader / editor", but precious few of them actually giving you any useful examples or advice on how to spot and fix the problems, so...
(Oh, hay, here we go. Y'all punched his "persnickerty" buttons again.)
(Quiet, you.)
Welcome to a special Super Bowl Sunday episode of Pony Proofreading Theater!
(Super what, now?)
(Never mind, Applejack, it's not important.)
(Speak for yourself; I lost fifty bits on that stupid game.)
(Well, that's not too bad...)
(I lost fifty bits to Rarity on that stupid game. Since when does she know anything about hoofball, anyway?)
(We all have our little guilty pleasures, darling. Now pay up.)
(*sighs and shoos the ponies away from the keyboard*)
Okay... The first problem is dialogue attribution. Oddly enough, you're doing it almost right, in that you're not capitalizing the first word of the attribution after the closing quote mark, which is the usual error I see from fanfic writers. However, what you are doing wrong is ending the dialogue with a period when you do that. Examples:
When you have a line of dialogue followed by an attribution of who said it and how, you end the dialogue with a comma, not a period, and then do not capitalize the first word outside of the closing quote unless it's someone's name, or the pronoun "I" (which is always capitalized). If the dialogue ends with ! or ?, you still use those, but still treat it as a single sentence without capitalizing the next word outside the closing quote.
Second, related to this: After you've finished the attribution, you should normally end it with a period, not a comma. You only use a comma if the attribution is coming in the middle of the character's sentence, and what follows is a continuation of the same sentence the character began before the attribution:
If what follows is the start of a new sentence by the character, or a separate action being performed by any character, you must end with a period and start a new sentence:
If the dialogue after the attribution is a continuation of the same sentence, then again, treat dialogue-plus-attribution as one sentence, and do not capitalize the first word when you open the quote marks again. Example:
"She smiled" is a separate action that comes after the dialogue, so you need to capitalize it to start a new sentence. However, the dialogue after "smiled" cannot be considered part of the same sentence, because her smiling is a separate action that comes in between the two lines of dialogue. The sequence of events is:
(1) Rainbow begins to speak
(2) Scrunches up her face
(3) Finishes her sentence
(4) Smiles at Scootaloo.
(5) Begins a new sentence. Therefore:
(Ah think you've made th' point, sugarcube. You're gettin' pedantic again.)
(...Okay, moving on.)
These are called "compound adjectives" -- two or more words which are acting together as a single adjective modifying the following noun. Compound adjectives need to be hyphenated, like so:
(*raising her hoof* Um... I have a quethtion?)
(Yes, Twist?)
(How can you be thure when two wordth are making a compound adjective, and when they're jutht two theparate adjectiveth?)
(Very good question, Twist. Anypony know the answer?)
(*raising her hoof* Oh, I know!)
(Go ahead, Sweetie Belle.)
(If you can put the word "and" in between the two words and the sentence still makes sense, then the two words are separate adjectives and you don't need the hyphen. If putting "and" in between them messes the sentence up, then you need the hyphen.)
(Good answer, Sweetie.)
(Yay!)
(Geez, what are you, a dictionary?)
(Behave, Scootaloo, or I'll make you stay after class and clean the blackboard again.)
Anyway, yes. Basically, what you're looking for is whenever you have a case of "adjective adjective noun", is the first adjective directly describing the noun, or is it describing the second adjective? Here's how it works:
"She has a big blue book."
"She has a big and blue book."
This works, because the book can be described as being both big and blue. "Big" is not describing what kind of "blue" the book is, it's describing the book itself; i.e. "she" has a big book that's also blue. However:
"He is a world-famous singer."
"He is a world and famous singer."
This breaks the sentence, because the singer can't be described as being both "world" and "famous" ("world" isn't even an adjective!), and the only other way to interpret the sentence is that "he" is both "a world" and "a famous singer", which is also nonsense. Therefore, "world" and "famous" are acting together as a compound adjective, "world-famous", because "world" is describing what kind of "famous" the singer is. The first adjective, "world", is modifying the second adjective, "famous", and together they make a single modifier to the following noun, and so the hyphen is needed.
See how that works, Twist?
(Yeth!)
Now, "purple-pink" is kind of borderline, since the paper could be both "purple" and "pink" (as in a pattern of stripes), but generally the convention is that if you're describing something with multiple colors, you hyphenate it as a compound. (You can also say "purple-and-pink paper", which is somewhat clearer; triple-word compounds are acceptable when they help clarify what would otherwise be ambiguous; i.e. is the paper both "purple and pink", or is it "a purple-ish shade of pink"?)
Those two issues are really the biggest things to work on. There's a handful of minor spelling errors here and there, such as:
"Choked". "Chocked" is "to fit or secure by a chock", i.e. "The plane's wheels were chocked and chained down."
But overall, you seem to have a good handle on that; I didn't see any obvious mis-use of homophones like "you're / your", "there / their / they're", etc., so yay for that.
Aside from those issues, though, I did like the story; it struck a nice, bittersweet note, and it's a unique premise. I would've liked to see it developed a bit more, given a few more scenes and a couple thousand more words so the concept had more room to breathe and the events didn't feel quite so compressed, but not a bad effort at all! Have a "like".
(So, are ya done bein' persnickerty now?)
Yes, I believe that concludes tonight's episode of "Pony Proofreading Theater!" Class dismissed.
(Yay!)
Except for you, Applebloom, you get to stay after class and write "I will not shoot spitballs at Diamond Tiara's cutie mark" one hundred times on the blackboard.
(Awwww, dangit!)
(Busss-ted!)