• Member Since 22nd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 9th, 2020

RGLloyd


~100 ad'awwwable pictures and counting!

Sequels1

E
Source

Cover art by Neko-Me!

Rainbow Dash promised to take the rambunctious Scootaloo under her wing on the whim of pride. However, when Scootaloo's repressed emotions come to surface, Dash finds there's more to the little filly than fun and flight training. Can Dash master her own insecurities as she struggles in expanding her comfort zone to give Scootaloo what she really needs? Will she accept the responsibilities to a much deeper meaning with the title of Big Sister?

Dedicated to DawnFade who inspired, through elegant prose, a shattered writer to follow his dreams once again.

And to my daughter Ella, who is a wonderful big sister, but really needs a big sister herself sometimes.

Edited by Unknownlight
Pre-read by MasterLuke07

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 74 )

Hmm. Not bad. You certainly have a lot of potential. However, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out a few ways it could be better. :duck:

First and foremost, I wouldn't really call this a comedy. Most of the actions and reactions in this story are played rather straight. Pinkie's the only real source of humor in this story, and that's because she's Pinkie. There were a few things that I think were supposed to be jokes (like the purple prose describing Scootaloo blinking and Pumpkin Cake turning her tail pink), but they fell flat because the the latter had no lead up, and the former was just, weird. If you want to make this story humorous, you need to work on your humor. :applejackunsure:

Secondly, I'm not exactly sure how this story is supposed to continue. The whole premise is that Scootaloo's frustrated because Rainbow Dash is not the best role model, right? Then why have her confront Dashie on this in the very first chapter? If anything, that should be the climax. It's an odd paradox where you feel like there should be more, but at the same time, you've written yourself into a corner. :unsuresweetie:

Now, this is a good premise, and you actual convey it in a decent way (although you tend to delve into the purple prose a little too much). You got the characters right (at least in my opinion), and there weren't that many grammatical errors. I just think it needs a bit of tweaking.

2628338

Thanks for the input. The first chapter was written as a blur from the spastic perspective of youth. The second chapter is near complete and is much slower paced and a bit more mature. Its not meant to be really slapstick or anything. I wanted to convey that it wasn't supposed to be serious but a fun and light hearted story though I do plan to throw in some emotional moments. For now I will remove the comedy tag until it warrants one. Hopefully the dynamics between the two will shape up more vividly in the second chapter.

Feel free to brutally critique. I want to improve as a writer.

I managed to catch a few grammatical errors in this chapter, such as odd punctuation and capitalization. You might want to consider finding an editor.

Other than that, this is very interesting, to say the least. Rainbow Dash has a legitimate problem here, and solving it isn't going to be easy. Because of that, Scootaloo is coming off as a bit of a brat. I know she's just a kid, but does she really not understand that RD's life doesn't revolve around her and probably shouldn't? :unsuresweetie:

I bring this up because judging by the description, we're supposed to sympathize with Scootaloo. However, I actually sympathize more with Rainbow Dash. And honestly, I think that makes for a more compelling story. I don't know if it's what you originally intended, but I say run with it. Seeing Dashie being self-aware of her flaws and trying to fix them is much more interesting than Scoot trying to compete against the world for her big sister's attention. :ajsmug:

2632797

Really the confusion here comes from my horrible inability to write summary descriptions. Its a flaw.. and I'm working on it. :twilightsheepish:

In all honesty this story is being written for my daughter who is having some troubles in life atm. Namely with me, and for the most part I am attempting to use Dash as a means to help her cope with my infuriatingly complicated flaws. As well as understand her point of view a bit better, and perhaps as an apology for being so difficult. :twilightsmile:

I will work on seeking an editor. I know a guy, but hes pretty busy so I may be stuck rereading my work constantly. Then again just knowing I missed anything after rereading it 10 times really irks me.

2632921 I suddenly regret calling Scootaloo a brat. :twilightoops:

That aside, I can appreciate an author drawing upon real-life experiences to make a compelling story. You know what they say: Write what you know. :eeyup:

2633259

Hah, no worries. Just means the story is coming across loud and clear so far. I was hoping it would require a second read through to catch all the little nuances and hints I hid.

I'm guessing that your headcanon is that Twilight returned to Ponyville after her coronation. Eh, to each his own. :ajsmug:

Despite the errors (see my previous editor comment), the emotion of the interaction between Dashie and Scoot really came across. And my word, was it beautiful. :raritystarry:

I have to say, I was kinda worried about how you would handle Scootaloo's home life judging from previous chapters. Reading this chapter, I'm glad you chose to handle it this way. Grinder Thundershanks looks like a fun character; sort of like a restrained version of Granny Smith. I don't know if that was what you were going for, but I like it. It's certainly better than other portrayals I've seen. :eeyup:

Also, Scootabee. That... That is simply adorable. :scootangel:

2637354

Thanks :pinkiehappy:

As far as Twilight coming back to Ponyville, I can't imagine the writers uprooting her friends and sending them to Canterlot or wherever she is assigned to. And cutting out 5 of the main six would be disastrous for the series. I'm actually curious to hear how you think they should handle it?

2637369 I dunno, I'm not them. :derpytongue2:

It's a tricky situation to say the least. Everything you mentioned is right, but at the same time, who ever heard of a princess ruling from a small town like Ponyviile? I'm probably just gonna sit back and let the writers over at Hasbro handle it, because honestly, I'm stumped. :applejackunsure:

On the subject of the story itself, I noticed that you've decided to add a Sad tag. I think that fits the mood of the story better, but are you still planning to bring back the Comedy tag later? Because Sad and Comedy don't really mix.

Edit: Just saw your blog post. Disregard that last bit. I was just trying to keep my comments relevant to the story at hand. :twilightblush:

2638074

Agreed, I think they really penned themselves into a corner. An intriguing corner.. but a corner nonetheless. It'll be an interesting season to see how they handle it.

Thanks for all your comments btw. It's been nice to actually chat with someone and get feedback. :twilightsheepish:

As for the editor thing.. still working on it. Most likely I will get him to do one big pass through after I finish the story. Almost done! :yay:

I wouldn't want you to get your fingers caught.

Ponies don't have fingers. Or arms, for that matter. :rainbowderp:

That aside, these were some sweet scenes. Now I understand Scoot a little more, and Dashie's frustration truly resonates. I like where this is going. :twilightsmile:

2641769

Fixed, thanks for catching that! :derpytongue2:

And thanks for the continued reading!

:applecry:

What a beautiful ending. Dashie and Scoot have both grown to understand each other a bit more, like real sisters should. I-I really think they're gonna be okay. :twilightsmile:

A job well done, good author. A job well done. :moustache:

2648286

Thanks, I'm really happy you liked it! Also, I appreciated you adding it to your group folder in Pegasi United :pinkiehappy:

That was beautiful, I had feels all the way through, fantastic job...

This was fantastic. I really loved it. :pinkiehappy: I really loved how the reasons for Scootaloo's emotional outbursts and "brattiness" (as an earlier reviewer put it) were revealed slowly throughout the story. This was really well-plotted. Well done!

However, the story was, unfortunately, hurt by many technical issues. A simple example is right in the title: "days" and "nights" should both be capitalized. It really would've been good if you had an editor to help you with this story while you were writing it. Of course, now that you've written and published everything, you're unlikely to go to the effort of finding an editor to fix something you're already done with...

...Which is why I'm going to do it for you. I can't stand to see such an interesting story hampered so much by technical issues. I've already sent an edited version of the first chapter to you in a PM. I'll send more your way as I get around to it.

2655370

Outstanding! :pinkiegasp:

I just reviewed and posted Chs 1-3. :yay:

Excellent Job! Thank, you for all the hard work! :pinkiehappy:

2655125

Gah! How did I miss your post? Thanks, I'm really glad you liked it. Ahm workin on a sequel, but the focus of that one will be more dealing with impatience and anger. :flutterrage:

"WHOA! Your tail looks ridiculous!" It's super effective!

And Scootaloo is out for the count!

Pokemon reference :rainbowkiss:

2671109
Aww, that makes me happy someone got that ref! :pinkiehappy:

Also I love your avatar!

Is Scoot some type of dogs chew toy?

What you change in the update?

2726999

Last three chapters were edited by Unknownlight. I just finished reviewing them and posted the updates. :twilightsmile:

2726999 Nothing was actually changed; the chapters just went through "clean up" (correcting spelling, grammar, punctuation, awkward word choice, etc.) You wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two versions unless you looked at them side-by-side.

IEDs are fun to blow up

2903898
Only if you aren't standing on top of them...or if the idiot in your crosshairs triggers one. Besides a good chuckle, the works done for you, it saves a round, and that means early chow! It all adds up to be 200% more efficient! And efficiency is eevveerryytthhiinngg... :pinkiecrazy:

2903898 Not when you don't see it and your vehicle is next to it.

3054496

Yick. I'm hoping you aren't speaking from experience... :twilightoops:

Hmm. I didn't see too much of a difference from last time. Except for the last couple of paragraphs, which confused me. :unsuresweetie:

First, it's not typically a good idea to write out sound effects. I only do that when a character is out of breath, personally. Otherwise, it just seems out of place.

Also, what kind of word is flufflepuffly? Just, I don't get it. :rainbowhuh:

Otherwise, this is still pretty solid. :pinkiesmile:

3128989

O'righty then! That is exactly what I wanted to hear about the changes. I was trying not to really change the story in any way noticable, but make it flow smoother and less jittery. Also, I added a lot in there about her physical state and discomfort for leading into the plotline, short as it all may be. Overall I added or changed close to 600 words. I felt it was just enough. Any more I feared may be too much. :moustache:

Next, you are the third person to say that about my sound effects. I'll fix it. :fluttercry:

DUDE! Flufflepuff...right? Link time! :raritystarry:Flufflepuffly! Everyone, pay homage with me!

3128989

Dash grabbed Scoot, who squeaked in surprise, and gruffly shoved her under a foreleg eliciting an "erf" from the confused filly

Is that better? Or do you think the "erf' still breaks the flow?

3129735 I, think that's much better, personally. :twilightsmile:

3130530

Awesome, thanks for all the help. I really appreciate your critiques.:twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Matt11 deleted Oct 4th, 2013

when i 1st read this i honesly dint nodes this It's super effective!

Holy Fk. This was awesome. I can't wait to see the sequel.

3300391 Yep! Poke'ref's for the win, gotta catchem all! :raritywink:

3300640

Awesome! I'm glad you liked it.:pinkiehappy:

:fluttercry::fluttercry: Beautiful chapter.

3308720
Thanks! I remember pouring hours into each one of these chapters. :rainbowlaugh:

I originally wrote this story for my daughter who was having some difficulties in life. I usually write hardcore combat, adventure, and gore but she loves sad stories with heavy D'aww, so I kinda just went for it. :pinkiehappy:

Firstly, thank you, Unknownlight for editing those chapters, because I just read the story, and it flowed so smoothly, I was completely unaware it had been cleaned up. Secondly, thank you RGLloyd for this wonderful little story. I had a feeling you were drawing from real experiences, because it's right there in the text, and it leaps off the page, that somewhere is hurt, and pain, and you describe it quite well. As someone who stresses constantly while taking care of his own mother, and father, I connected instantly with Scootaloo, and her need to decompress.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you wrote this story free of your normal avenues of combat, and gore, as I don't read such stories (that's no offense to you, I don't read them at all, from anyone). So you've got another fan here, and hopefully you will write more stories like this. I think you have a knack for it, just as Unknownlight seems to know right where to poke and nudge. Great work, great story.

3335735 Wow, thanks, I really appreciate you leaving such an awesome comment on my work. This fic does have a special meaning for me, and my daughter. So, I am really happy that it came across so clearly. The sequels however, I'm just doing for fun, and maybe because my daughter asked with big pouty eyes. :rainbowlaugh:

3335884 - You're welcome, and pouty eyes? That's all the reason you'll ever need. :twilightsmile:

3336140 Then I accept my doom with open arms and D'aww in my heart. :rainbowlaugh:

3336143 - If you're going to accept doom, that's probably the most efficient way to do so. :pinkiehappy:

Before anyone could answer, the front door swung open and a wild Rainbow Dash appeared. "Evening, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Hey, Scoot, why are you still in—" It used merciless laughter attack. "WHOA! Your tail looks ridiculous!" It's super effective!

:rainbowlaugh:

Yeah, you get my like just for that. :rainbowkiss: A good first chapter here! Personally, I like the onomatopoeia (I do similar stuff myself) and the wordplay, such as "flufflepuffly". :raritystarry:

3345472 Hehe, I'm glad you like it! Watch out though! :rainbowderp:
Don't think it's all fun and silliness, or else the feelz will getcha'... :pinkiecrazy:

Dash, you done goofed. :facehoof:

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