• Member Since 17th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 21st, 2018

Twilight Best Pony


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What starts off as a normal day for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, ends up with them being split up, and Scootaloo becoming the target of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Doubt and insecurity plagues the normally brash and confident young pegasus filly. Rainbow Dash comes to her rescue and they plan a camping trip to help strengthen their bonds. Will it work, or will it be a good time gone suddenly wrong?

Co-Written with Scribe of the Damned and Pvt Caboose
Edited by: AuthorGenesis

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 34 )

Why no comments, but 12 likes!?:rainbowhuh:I'm confused here.

4219596
yea me to.
just some feed back would be nice lol.

Sweetie Belle squeaked, her brows furrowed, and eyes narrowed, and unable to look directly at her pegasine comrade, as her eyes became unfocused, as she remembered the last time they had tried to get a cutie mark which involved fire.

There's waaay too much going on in this sentence. Break it up.

Sweetie Belle argued, mimicking Rarity’s voice and adopting a rear haunch sitting posture, while she bobbed her curls in one of her hooves, while turning her snout upwards as though even looking on a commoner would be exceedingly shameful and scandalous.

Same thing here.

As the crusaders turned towards the voice, Applejack was standing nearby the school house. She wore a worried look on her face, and her coat was covered in dirt and grass stains.

Apple Bloom jumped up and quickly rushed over to her sister. “Sis!? What happened? Is everything alright?” she asked, worry suffusing throughout her voice.

Applejack knelt down next her sister and placed a hoof on her head, stroking her mane in a calm fashion. “Big Mac had an accident while tending to the south field.” Apple Bloom face displayed shock. “Now don’t you fret none, everything is just fine. He just twisted his ankle after tripping in a gopher hole. He’ll be fine, he just needs to stay off it for a little while. But I need you to come home and help out on the farm. Now, I know you want to go crusading with your friends, but I need all the help I can get until Big Mac gets better. Okay?”

So... let me get this straight. You made Big Mac injured as a way to get rid of Apple Bloom, but that still doesn't explain why Applejack is dirty. Twisting your ankle is no big deal. As for AB freaking out when she saw her sister all dirty, why? AB knows Applejack is tough, she doesn't have to be so concerned about her.

Apple Bloom face displayed shock.

Two things here.
1: This is WAY too telly. It should be: Apple Bloom's eyes widened in shock. Or something similar
2: You need to put a "'s" on the end of Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom looked towards her sister and nodded. “It’s okay sis. I can go crusading another time. What’s important is that we Apples stick together in times like these.”

Times like these? Big Mac has a twisted ankle, it's not like he died or something.

just thinking about ideas

Double space between about and ideas

The town was bustling this afternoon the chatter of ponies

This is bad. Reword this.

Sweetie Belle greeted her sister, a smile on her face, and her eyes danced, as she pranced up to her sister, and gave her a hug and nuzzle, before noticing that her elder sister was all gussied up.

Once again, there is WAY too much info in this one sentence. Break it up.

before asking, “why were

Capitalize the W in Why

here alone.” Rarity said.

Comma, not period.

Applejack is busy working due to her brother’s injury.

How can she know this already?

before we miss the train” Rarity explained.

Missing comma.

look after me.” Sweetie Belle suggested,

Comma, not period at the end of the dialogue.

froggy bottom bog.”

This is a location, so it must be capitalized.

shop today for the cakes.” She added in hope to move things along.

"...shop today for the Cakes," she added, hoping to move things along.

“Oh okay, fine let’s go.” Sweetie Belle said in defeat, l

Comma, not period

Sweetie Belle said in defeat, lowing her head, her body language expressing a dejected appearance, before turning back to Scootaloo, her head still hung low, and her eyes looking down at the ground and no longer danced and sparkled as they had moments before and waving goodbye.

WAY too much information. When you do this, it really breaks the flow of things.

“I’ll see you later Scootaloo, sorry we couldn’t hang out today.”

...what? They're already hanging out though! :twilightblush:

She giggled when Sweetie Belle glared at her and Rarity’s face changed from a frown to a big smile and eyes sparkling and dancing together, expressing her excitement, her ears perked forward, and no longer splayed against her head, and her voice was really animated, expressing her glee at the prospects of modeling the latest fashions the vogue shops in Canterlot had to offer.

I'm starting to see a reoccurring theme here. You try to pack a ton of detail into one sentence. Stop this.

Maybe we can find you something this time Sweetie Belle! Oh, this will be fun! Don’t you agree?” Rarity asked Sweetie Belle.

We already know she's asking Sweetie Belle this. You saying it again detracts from the flow of the story.

o much fun. I can’t wait.” Sweetie Belle replied through

Comma, not period.

Man Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are lucky to have sisters. Sure I have Rainbow Dash, but she has been busy with work lately. Scootaloo sighed.
Well since I’m here I might as well grab a cupcake. It might help cheer me up, then I guess I’ll go look for Rainbow Dash and see if she wants to hang out for a bit, if she isn’t too busy.

Formatting issues here, and don't use the word man.

When she spotted Scootaloo, she put the cake down and addressed the filly pegasus.

We already know that Scootaloo is both a filly and a pegasus. You repeating this is unnecessary.

Scootaloo, snapped out of

Delete the comma.

those cupcakes over there?” She asked with a hopeful expression.

she, not She

The small orange pegasus

Once again, you are repeating useless details. We already know she's a small orange pegasus.

The small orange pegasus passed the bits over to the matronly mare, before picking up the muffin in her mouth, managing a muffled “ank ou” to Cup Cake, before she turned about and sat in a vacant booth with a window next to it, allowing her to look out upon the hustle and bustle of the ponies as they went about their day.

Several things here. First and foremost, this is long and needs to be broken up. Second: Why is she thanking the Cakes' foal?

blank flank all by herself.” Diamond Tiara

Comma

with their sisters.” Scootaloo said,

Comma

away at work.” Scootaloo retorted.

There are so many of these errors that I'm going to stop. You see the mistake you're making?

Both her mind and heart called her once firm convictions into questions, as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sought tear down the walls of her beliefs and convictions.

You say convictions twice.

Her wings were flared as she shoot daggers

shot

Scootaloo then felt something wrapped around her, sending a warm feeling throughout her small foalish body.

Wait, so now Scootaloo has a body of not a filly, but a foal? What happened there?

and gently stroke her mane.

Stroked

You’re the best little sis I could ask for and you always will be like a little sister to me.

Rainbow says that Scootaloo is her sister, and then she says that she'll always be LIKE a little sister to her. That doesn't make sense.

“Scootaloo is that how you see me? A pony who only cares about hanging with cool ponies?” Rainbow Dash said with fake shock.

So you're saying that Rainbow doesn't like hanging out with uncool ponies like Scootaloo, eh? Delete the word "fake"

Scootaloo followed Rainbow Dash out, Rainbow Dash knelt down so Scootaloo could climb up on her back.

You say Rainbow Dash twice in five words, and four of them consisted of them her name. Fix that.

What can we do together?
As they made higher to the sky, Scootaloo spoke up.

Formatting issues.

As they made higher to the sky

As they flew higher...

Scootaloo gave sigh of disappointment.

Scootaloo gave a sigh

just what I always wanted.
Scootaloo was brought

Formatting issue

What did you say?

Missing end quotation

Rainbow Dash laughed as she ran after her sister. Both laughing and having fun.

You might want to combine these two sentences

What awaited them they

Delete they
__________________________________

Overall, this story wasn't that bad. Once you find another proofreader or two, you'll be able to squash all of these petty little errors. Keep writing, because that's how you get better. :twilightblush:

Also, you need to add this to a lot more groups.

4219600 How's this for feedback? :twilightblush:

4219611 Yeah, I don't fuck around lol. :twilightsheepish:

Not bad let me guess scootaloo's mothers job is a wonderbolt or something

4220046 oh boy this will take a while. Hmm she sells food maybe?

Is this going to get really sad? If so im going to read it. By the way when do you think the next chapter will be out.:derpytongue2:

4220356
really sad? well you will have to wait and see.
Next chapter? depends on a lot of reasons.

4220407 kay ill keep on the look out for more,chapters

So they're going on a camping trip! What could possibly go wrong? :pinkiehappy:
. . .
OH NO, I SAID IT!! :pinkiegasp:

Love it, sounds awesome man, can't wait for more

Aw that was awesome! I can't wait for the next chapter, keep up the good work

Uhm...I'm gonna guess her mom has a job that involves weather :rainbowwild:

4230874

Would be the case if she has to get "wet" every night

Awesome this is really well written and descriptive! Yay, finally someone dealt with those two bullies! Go Rainbow Dash! :pinkiehappy:

4238837
you would have to wait and and see.
but no. no death.

I liked this, I think it has some polishing issues but it was good. The Abyss picked up most of them. I would say watch your dialouge. It can get a liitle monolougee for no reason. For example when RD is berating DT ans SS she uses more words then are nesecary. To me she is better..... for example. The to me is totally unessecary.

Element of Loyalty at work! That's what makes Rainbow Dash a great sister, she's Loyal. Sure, she's tough, but she knows how to show affection, and she's not going to desert her family. Anyone can be a good sibling if they try hard enough and put their heart into it.
I'm not sure how this story's gonna go, whether it will be an adventure or something with a villain, but I'm really looking forward to it.

Finish this please if you don't mind. :fluttershysad:

4959129
i would, but me and my co-writer hit a little snag.

Im thinking her mom is wonderbolt captin AKA spitfire tell me im right

Well i guess if you dont have it on hiatus for more than half a dam year then the quality Really aint that bad
No but seriously dont wait that long just ridiculous

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