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Rainbow Dash7,584 stories ·4,265 members
Scootaloo3,306 stories ·2,610 members
School for New Writers9,936 stories ·5,074 members
What starts off as a normal day for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, ends up with them being split up, and Scootaloo becoming the target of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Doubt and insecurity plagues the normally brash and confident young pegasus filly. Rainbow Dash comes to her rescue and they plan a camping trip to help strengthen their bonds. Will it work, or will it be a good time gone suddenly wrong?
Co-Written with Scribe of the Damned and Pvt Caboose
Edited by: AuthorGenesis
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Why no comments, but 12 likes!?
I'm confused here.
4219596
yea me to.
just some feed back would be nice lol.
There's waaay too much going on in this sentence. Break it up.
Same thing here.
So... let me get this straight. You made Big Mac injured as a way to get rid of Apple Bloom, but that still doesn't explain why Applejack is dirty. Twisting your ankle is no big deal. As for AB freaking out when she saw her sister all dirty, why? AB knows Applejack is tough, she doesn't have to be so concerned about her.
Two things here.
1: This is WAY too telly. It should be: Apple Bloom's eyes widened in shock. Or something similar
2: You need to put a "'s" on the end of Apple Bloom.
Times like these? Big Mac has a twisted ankle, it's not like he died or something.
Double space between about and ideas
This is bad. Reword this.
Once again, there is WAY too much info in this one sentence. Break it up.
Capitalize the W in Why
Comma, not period.
How can she know this already?
Missing comma.
Comma, not period at the end of the dialogue.
This is a location, so it must be capitalized.
"...shop today for the Cakes," she added, hoping to move things along.
Comma, not period
WAY too much information. When you do this, it really breaks the flow of things.
...what? They're already hanging out though!
I'm starting to see a reoccurring theme here. You try to pack a ton of detail into one sentence. Stop this.
We already know she's asking Sweetie Belle this. You saying it again detracts from the flow of the story.
Comma, not period.
Formatting issues here, and don't use the word man.
We already know that Scootaloo is both a filly and a pegasus. You repeating this is unnecessary.
Delete the comma.
she, not She
Once again, you are repeating useless details. We already know she's a small orange pegasus.
Several things here. First and foremost, this is long and needs to be broken up. Second: Why is she thanking the Cakes' foal?
Comma
Comma
There are so many of these errors that I'm going to stop. You see the mistake you're making?
You say convictions twice.
shot
Wait, so now Scootaloo has a body of not a filly, but a foal? What happened there?
Stroked
Rainbow says that Scootaloo is her sister, and then she says that she'll always be LIKE a little sister to her. That doesn't make sense.
So you're saying that Rainbow doesn't like hanging out with uncool ponies like Scootaloo, eh? Delete the word "fake"
You say Rainbow Dash twice in five words, and four of them consisted of them her name. Fix that.
Formatting issues.
As they flew higher...
Scootaloo gave a sigh
Formatting issue
Missing end quotation
You might want to combine these two sentences
Delete they
__________________________________
Overall, this story wasn't that bad. Once you find another proofreader or two, you'll be able to squash all of these petty little errors. Keep writing, because that's how you get better.
Also, you need to add this to a lot more groups.
4219600 How's this for feedback?
4219601
man you weren't kidding
4219611 Yeah, I don't fuck around lol.
Not bad let me guess scootaloo's mothers job is a wonderbolt or something
4220045
nope!
keep guessing.
4220046 oh boy this will take a while. Hmm she sells food maybe?
4220057
lol, nope! not even close
Is this going to get really sad? If so im going to read it. By the way when do you think the next chapter will be out.
4220356
really sad? well you will have to wait and see.
Next chapter? depends on a lot of reasons.
4220362 what may those reasons be?
4220374
eh, school, life, many others.
4220407 kay ill keep on the look out for more,chapters
So they're going on a camping trip! What could possibly go wrong?
. . .
OH NO, I SAID IT!!
Love it, sounds awesome man, can't wait for more
Aw that was awesome! I can't wait for the next chapter, keep up the good work
Uhm...I'm gonna guess her mom has a job that involves weather
4230874
nope!
4230874
Would be the case if she has to get "wet" every night
Awesome this is really well written and descriptive! Yay, finally someone dealt with those two bullies! Go Rainbow Dash!
4238837
you would have to wait and and see.
but no. no death.
I liked this, I think it has some polishing issues but it was good. The Abyss picked up most of them. I would say watch your dialouge. It can get a liitle monolougee for no reason. For example when RD is berating DT ans SS she uses more words then are nesecary. To me she is better..... for example. The to me is totally unessecary.
Element of Loyalty at work! That's what makes Rainbow Dash a great sister, she's Loyal. Sure, she's tough, but she knows how to show affection, and she's not going to desert her family. Anyone can be a good sibling if they try hard enough and put their heart into it.
I'm not sure how this story's gonna go, whether it will be an adventure or something with a villain, but I'm really looking forward to it.
Finish this please if you don't mind.
4959129
i would, but me and my co-writer hit a little snag.
Im thinking her mom is wonderbolt captin AKA spitfire tell me im right
4959129
4227749
4222374
New chapter posted.
Why is this on hiatus?
Well i guess if you dont have it on hiatus for more than half a dam year then the quality Really aint that bad
No but seriously dont wait that long just ridiculous
4220065 is she Firefly?
Is this story dead
It’s really sweet. Can we hear more about what happens next?