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For one thousand years, Nightmare Moon wandered the moon, seeking perfection.
She found only dust.
Entry for The Writeoff Association's first writeoff: Lonely Happiness.
Special thanks to Cassius Littner and SpaceCommie for their proofreading/editing assistance.
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Yay...
Happiness.
Deep and an interesting concept.
Really not much else to say.
Oh, this story. I liked this. I forget what I scored this as (and I can't check, because I wasn't logged in, apparently). Good show, either way.
It may be a pile of balls, but at least it's a pile of Pear's balls. Thought this was pretty decent in the writeoff, so you get a little something special from me.
3707044
Thanks chum
Lonely Happiness... I'll say it here; you've captured that concept in a beautiful and disgusting way. You've definitely ventured down the dark path with this one, what with the mind-raping, the cold air of solitude, and the self mutilation.
Perhaps the most wonderful concept of this, is something I've ACTUALLY yet to see: Luna tormenting Nightmare. I'm actually a bit jealous I didn't think of it first! Though t'was merely a dream, Luna's contempt burned along side her compassion; I could see what she tried to do with her cruel words only after she begged Nightmare to stop. That was a terrific selling point I think.
The idea of Nightmare Moon being a masochist was ENITRELY unexpected, made even more chilling with her throne. I mean, seriously, WTF? The drive, the locomotion. All of it developed her character in a way that's a rarity and an absolute joy to behold. And that's the saddest part of this whole thing. After about half way through reading this, I remembered that Nightmare Moon was ALONE. She wondered dust and blackness, hearing only what she wants to hear, knowing only what she's heard, and acknowledging subjects that not only didn't exist, but mocked her still.
None more so, than Luna.
The heartbreaking, cringe-worthy determination I felt from Nightmare only added to this. She toils, cuts, and bleeds herself dry to build something nopony would ever appreciate, or even know about, and all Luna does throughout, is belittle and demine. It's perfect. The coldness of solitude, and the warm satisfaction of happiness all rolled into a psycho-thrilling, self-mutilating masterpiece that magnifies self-conflict. Something that--against all odds--you keep improving at.
I did, however, have one little problem with it.
The lack of detail concerning Nightmare's narcissism left me feeling a bit dry. The last three times she uttered the word 'Perfect', I just shook my head and asked, "How?" I suspect you intended to relay such a message through the narration, in which she is brilliant and perfect and godly and sexy and... Yeah. But it failed to resonate without a sentence or two of backstory, or an explanation on why she so goddamned perfect. If there had been, her inevitable breakdown would be twice as painful and INFINITELY more delicious.
All in all, while this piece won't get a standing ovation from me, it gets a long and resolute applause for originality and absolute, indistinguishable daring. You, my friend, have earned another fave from this guy.
Craine...
*Sighs*... I missed reviewing your stories.
3708508
And I missed getting reviewed by you, dude! That was another awesome review from the master himself.
Goddamn. If only I'd just added that little extra piece of development. That seems to be my problem; I just always seem to miss the mark through some lack of development of one thing or another. Gonna need to work on that for my next stories.
Thanks again, Craine.
...Now, if only I could motivate myself to finish this Chrysalis story. Think I might squeeze out another 500 words or so before bed.
This is an incredible piece mate. The way you've captured the desolation of delusion and the unending self doubting state of being completely alone. Beautiful and awful, terrifying because I know this state myself. I remember lying, staring at the ceiling age fifteen and my room being Nightmare's moon for me. So moving.
Just, so deep. I don't really know what else to say.
this story was very breath taking I never would have expected luna to come face to face with nightmare moon
I come away feeling like Luna was the monster here more than Nightmare Moon.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/060/f/5/princess_celestia_approved_by_ambris-d4rftlj.png
Approved for Celestia's Library.
Best pony can be evil.
3840535
And I can be evil to best pony.
3840542
WOAH...
This was fantastic. Why doesn't it have a dark tag?
You conveyed the absolute, never ending solitude perfectly. Most of that was masterfully written. I personally think that it could have done with more narration and less direct speech, but that's just me. My reasoning for that is that silence is hard to achieve when someone or somepony is speaking. Yes, using narration to replace speech doesn't rove what was actually said, but the silence isn't broken nearly as much by narration as it is by direct speech. Having been going for silence as a large part of this, that's a bit of a problem. Don't worry! You still got a favourite from me. The story is fantastic, and much better than I can ever hope to achieve, but that's a slight issue I had with it.
Keep doing this. You're fantastic.
~ Decaf
3961420
Thanks for the great comment! And that's a good criticism that I hadn't thought of before.
Glad you enjoyed.
3963783
No problem. I loved it.
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It seems almost as if Nightmare is stuck in a loop controlled by Luna. Torturing her over and over by making her rebuild the same castle time, and time again.
3708508 Your explanation made me like the story even more.
4055605 I missed that--now I see, yes, she must be rebuilding the same castle. I was puzzled on first reading as to how she couldn't know the castle was there, and how Luna could have built it. I don't think Luna is making her do it, though.
4067053
>internet is down for a day
>finally get onto fimfic
>tfw Bad Horse faves your story
Huh.
Seriously though, glad an esteemed gentleman such as yourself enjoyed my horsewords. :D
4067053
I thought it was some nice, twisted irony. Nightmare Moon steals Luna's body, taking what is hers. Luna makes Nightmare continually rebuild and destroy a castle for 1000 years with said body.
This has been sitting on my read later list for war seems like forever but I'm really glad I got around to finally reading it. Superb job!
4215243
Thank you very much!
Psychological chaos. My favorite. The epitome of the how far you delve into Nightmare's psyche is via her throne. It fits her perfectly.
I'm really, really impressed by this one, Pearp.
4227807
Thank you. It really means a lot coming from a guy I respect.
I really enjoyed this, excellent work. Among other things I love that you put NMM through an endless cycle of creation and destruction, ultimately being tormented endlessly by her victim (and thus, by herself).
So Luna continues to remember all that happens, and NMM doesn't. I didn't recall line this until the second run-through. Nicely done.
The comments helped me come to terms a little more that there is no particular side to root for: seems like while NMM is the usual "villain" with the pride and the insecurity, there's that Luna who I can only hope is projecting... there's a trade-off of catharsis for momentum that stretches past the end, and I can appreciate that. Either way, definitely fresh concept and characterization, great style.
EDIT: I AM A SILLY PONE
4461450
Part of SA? Do you mean as in, my other fic got featured, and therefore I can't get featured again? I'm a little confused.
4461542
I... huh. And we had featured that after you joined... must've missed the policy change in the chat then. Never mind me then.
4463735
Joined? Joined Seattle's Angels? But I'm not a Seattle's Angel...
4463809
And of course I realize this afterwards. I dun derped.
4463834
Haha! It's cool, bro. I do hang out in the SA public Skype chat a lot, and I was on one of the podcasts as a guest once as well, so I can see why I might be mistaken.
I'm really, really glad you liked this story, though. Thanks for reading.
Oh my... another gem in your story pile!
And this gem has sharp edges and a strange hunger - one that cannot be assuaged by food, or love, or even a planet to rule.
Now if only I could remember just what would, actually, sate it....
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
5128544
:D
Powerful story that almost makes one sympathetic to Nightmare Moon stuck in an endless cycle of despair, destruction and shattered pride. Almost. Superb job in my mind.
I could never take 'NMM is physically on the moon' stories seriously, but for 2.2k words, it was worth a shot.
I think I probably missed something regarding the story itself, but as an aside, I have to ask: why, oh why, is it so common to unnecessarily deify Luna and Celestia? It's like every writer willfully ignores canon to define them as goddesses and it always rips me right out of a story. I find it rather infuriating.
5446507
I know how you feel, actually - I just felt like trying to make the concept fit in my head and this was the sort of imagery it invoked.
I don't know about other writers, but I just do it because I'm really a big fan of that sort of mythos so I like to experiment with it in my stories. Sorry to hear you're not a fan.
Thanks for reading, broheim :D
Ahh...
Brilliance. Just brilliance. This was a very interesting take on the relationship between Luna and Nightmare Moon, one that I haven't seen before.
And while the writing style is, admittedly, not gaining any points for originality- it's been used in many, many other stories, in many other places- it still fit the story very well.
You could add a bit more towards the middle of the story, about the building of the palace- like, where she got all of that onyx from, for example... there was this bit in the beginning:
which tells us that she's using magic, but I had to re-read the story to really notice this line. It felt a bit... forgettable, and that left me feeling slightly confused throughout the rest of the story. (Of course, I also like to over-analyze things...)
You could also, if you wanted, add a bit more in the end. It's a little unclear weather the whole experience was supposed to be a dream, or... something else. But this is more personal choice, if you wanted to leave it open-ended like that, or if you actually wanted to give more of an explanation.
I also have to mention- good job with the length of the story. I'm finding, in my own writing experience, that it can be hard to write a story that's neither too short nor too long for the topic, but you did very well here, I think.
So, overall, I say... 9 almost-but-not-quite-creepily huge pinkie pie smiles out of 10.
I'm not a huge fan of the banishment being on the Moon (though it doesn't annoy me as much as it does Mr M!) but I still enjoyed this, especially the unusual angle it takes. Vague non-spoilery comments go!
I approve. This really puts a(n somewhat) new perspective on Luna's banishment.
Man, I can see why Aragon recommended this, it's really good!
I'm gonna have to read the rest of your stories sometime, but for now I'm going to bed.
I'll do my homework tomorrow.
Fantastic prose, I honestly wish I could think of more to say but 1) I'm pleasantly surprised 2) also speechless 3) also also on a mobile device.
Tiny nitpick: any particular reason behind the slice of life tag?
8080690
Not really. It felt appropriate for some reason. And technically it is a slice of life, it's just not a very pleasant life to take a slice out of. :D
8080779 I would not eat this life cake. So, yeah, not pleasant.
A wonderfully cold, atmospheric wee piece. Well worth the recommendation.
For whatever reason, I read the above line as Luna, chiding the Nightmare for making a poor deal, meaning that the whispering is the Nightmare, sending forth a stream of negativity with the bladed throne as a tool for penance.
On rereading, I can see that this interpretation was wrong but I still think it's an interesting perspective.
There have been many stories about Luna, Nightmare Moon and the Nightmare on the moon.
Yours is a great one and reminded me of what I think is my favourite, Hoofprints.
There have also been stories of what they actually did during that thousand years.
In The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon, Luna spends the time by running ahead of Equestria's shadow as it passes across the moon, constantly racing the darkness.
In my own mind Nightmare Moon spends a thousand years dancing across the lunar plains, exulting in her physical perfection and patterning the moon with her hoofsteps.
8805447
EEEEEE~!
Someone referenced Hoofprints!
One of my all time favourite shorts.
According to the checkmark on the chapter, I read this at some point but never commented on it. Shame on me. A fascinating look at a cyclical psychological breakdown that becomes all too literal. Nightmare Moon's masochistic throne is especially telling of the self-loathing lurking under the surface. Great work. Glad I reread it (apparently.)
Luna sounds like the bad guy here. Not really Nightmare Moon's fault she was made