• Member Since 14th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 28th, 2017

JeckParadox


T

One thousand years ago there were six pony races: The Earth, the Pegasi, the Unicorns, the Crystal, the Shadhavar... and the Dragonponies, the Longma. With bat wings, draconic eyes, and reptillain frills these creatures were told about in myth and legend as tricksters and monsters. The demonic minions of the bogeymare Nightmare Moon. But this lost race has returned, a menacing force appearing far to the north. Twilight Sparkle decides to investigate and ask the Princesses about the details, but she soon finds herself responsible for an empire of monsters, worshipping Twilight as the successor to the Mare in the Moon. How will she handle the pressure?

Chapters (22)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 333 )

This plot has caught my interest, eager to see where this story goes.

This feels like it's gonna be a good one :pinkiehappy:

Update soon!

It's really not advisable for me to do this, considering how terribly behind I am on the fanfics I'm currently following, but the premise of this fanfic seems too good to ignore, so I'm totally and inadvisably faving and watching this puppy. :twilightblush:

Good start, needs more spacing and have it aligned to the left rather than center aligned.

2738246 Alright, but it's not center aligned, I just have all the paragraphs indented.

NICE STORY SO FAR,ESPESIALLY WHEN TWILIGHT NEARLY GOT A HEART ATTACK!:pinkiehappy::twilightsheepish::raritystarry::trollestia::yay::rainbowlaugh::moustache:

Glad I found this...

All hail Twilight Sparkle, Princess of the Night!

It's always a joy to see another interpretation of the Lunar Stallions from Nightmare Night. I can't wait to see where this goes, its very interesting. If they have such a dark and bloody past it should be very engrossing to see what sort of past-meets-modern world building you have in mind for a story like this. Just REMEMBER, world-building and story-building are two different things. Make sure it goes somewhere at the end of the day, or we'll just flounder around introducing new elements that don't actually go anywhere.


...Luna named a Longma "Stay", hahaha! :rainbowlaugh:

2836781 Thanks for the comment, I really enjoyed 'the return of Princess Nightmare Moon'... but when did Luna name a Longma Stay?

2837262

"Really? You've seen them before. Luna managed to find two of them, Night Owl and Stay I think their names were... anyway, they're acting as Luna's Chariot pullers now. I think you saw them at the last Nightmare Night."

Still friggin' adorable. :rainbowlaugh:

2839450 you guys were right, I needed to slow things down. There's a lot I could do with Ponyville and Canterlot and Twilight's friends along with the Longma. I wasn't really sure what to do with the Empire yet either... I was rushing when I could do anything I want. :twilightsmile: I need to focus on the story and on a few characters first, then move onto the world-building segment.

20 days later....

Hrm? Did this story die? But it had so much good potential... :fluttercry:

2925053 No, I just haven't really thought about it since then. I've been focusing on fanfiction on other sites and on my own stories... For now I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my current stories... but this one is the one I'm going to update first, don't worry.

Oohoo...I was already sold from the first chapter, but the twist of these Longma serving Twilight and mostly just Twilight just cements said interest in this story. i think this is going to be a fun read altogether. :pinkiehappy:

Oooh. I'm liking this . . . apart from one minor quibble.

"Millennia."

That's a plural. "Millennium" is singular, one thousand years. "Millennnia" is two thousand years or more. Sorry about being so pedantic.

2926635 I'm okay with you being pedantic because I don't even know what that word means :twilightsheepish: Where is the error? (I mean where in the chapter)

Heh heh. Twilly's got a lot to learn about being a Princess...

But then, these guards have a lot to learn about Twilight.

"Well that wasn't long at all." Pinkie said.

Oh, you.:facehoof:

Ah, this revision is much better paced.

A word of warning though:

Jaeger frowned. But he nodded his consent. "Understood." He turned to Crow Moon. "Crow, go alert Oscuridad to not change anything."

I'm assuming that this "Oscuridad" fellow is a Shadhavar, because it's really strange to suddenly go with a Spanish name when none of the others follow such a naming scheme. If I'm right about this pony being a Shadhavar, then you're gonna wanna stay consistent with how you name them.

If there's one thing I've learnt, it's that if your guards are being annoying jerks. You show them who's boss...before you have to terminate them.

:rainbowlaugh: those poor guards NEVER had a chance when it came to taking down Pinkie:pinkiecrazy: if it ever came down to it, I'd be afraid for those poor guards:twilightoops:

2928378 are you refering to just-an-everyday-princess? there's a new chapter on that one today that I've yet to read. those poor, poor guards:facehoof: at least these are more capable

2929488:rainbowlaugh: yes I did see your avatar pic and I did see what you were getting at and personally in that Transformers Prime they came out with here last few years or so I'd wipe the slate and start from scratch. MAYBE leave Soundwave but

You might try using the "cardboard box at the zoo" trick with the guards, haha. Place a box or something unusual in Twilight's front lawn, and let them go crazy over it for hours on end. They can't leave Twilight, but the box pisses them off so badly. (animals at the zoo don't like to see a box randomly appear in their home. The lack of "sameness" makes them very upset)

2930309 I think I might make that into a chapter someday... :rainbowlaugh:

The ones I feel sorry for are the troopers that just made a thousand year jump from battle conditions to a country that thinks of killing as something from a history book. Let's hope that somepony knows what PTSD is. Lots of possibilities in this story, up vote and faved.

Well, now I know what Shadhavar look like now. Couldn't seem to get a good picture in my head till this chapter.

2931054 it's essentially just a unicorn with a curved, featureless horn, dragon eyes, and sharp teeth.

Rapid-fire chapters! Excellent!
The constant blood-thirst is a little unsettling I gotta say. Your character development skills are clearly well-sharpened. Keep it up.

wooot this is great, fav and like : D

"As long as you never harm Princess Twilight."

Well, of course there'd be a catch. But, all things considered, things are going better than I thought they might. The Longma, on their part, seem to be catching on that things are different now, and are at least willing to play along for the time being.

Man, I keep going to fave this story, only to remember I did that five chapters ago. :derpytongue2: If it was possible to fave it twice, though, I totally would. :pinkiehappy:

I'm a little worried about that tragedy tag, but your worldbuilding is amazing.

Crow and Oscuridad sound a mite OP, but other than that this chapter is still well paced and filled with more fun world building~ :raritywink:

A craftsponys pride in his work. I love it

he was no longer missing out on the field trip a few months ago (which Celestia assured the populace, did not release Discord).

:unsuresweetie: it might just be me but if I remember that episode, the CMC did a heck of a job of busting that statue right OPEN

if nothing else Twilight's guards are doing their absolute best to do their jobs, they're just about three or so days early since it appears to be on one the off days for poor fan to be buried and the main 6 having to save Equestria

This story is awesome! :yay:

Excellent work with their teleporting princess freak-out. I enjoyed every bit of that scene.

2943725 The joke is that Princess Celestia is trying to protect the CMC from the populace because they released Discord.

This is awesome! :pinkiehappy: I really like your worldbuilding and it is well written as well.

I'd actually like to see the current Wonderbolts completely outclass Crow Moon, if only to shatter his Over Powered status. Thought it might be more satisfying if Rainbow and Crow had a rematch and she matched him move for move. I'd also like to see Oscuridad really piss Twilight off so she'll finally take charge, kick his ass out of the Lunar Guard and maybe show off some of her magic . When ever a fic divides ponies into Solar and Lunar camps I always think Twilight ought to be both. I don't think any Night pony would question their new princess if she demonstrated power over both day and night.

I think Twilight needs to ground some ponies, maybe imprison them on top of a cloud all day or something. For being "loyal subjects", they're awfully subversive.

Oscuridad must really want to get beaten into a pulp to be planning to get between Twilight and her friends like that. :facehoof:

Awaiting for more. :pinkiehappy:

Some excellent world-building, and Twilight's advisors really do fit perfectly into a corrupt court where failure is punished harshly and mercy has no place.

The Bearer of the Element of Magic (which is friendship) is going to be very upset with them.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!